Jack Box: The Man And His Dream

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Picture this; a crispy chicken sandwich. I would like to if I may take you on a strange journey as I tell you the origin story of Jack Box; the mascot for the Jack In The Box fast food company, or rather a possible origin story for that particular fast food mascot. Allow me to explain, there is a film in the works entitled Jack Box: The Man And His Dream which is to be produced by Jack’s partner in the film trade; Malcolm Rosenberg. Rosenberg and Jack have been friends for years, and one fine afternoon at a movie studios lot, Rosenberg drove Jack around in a golf cart as he told Jack that he had a very good idea for a movie he was planning on making, and he planned on making Jack the star of said picture. Jack, while initially chatty and pleasant with Rosenberg, quickly became cagey and quiet once the wily director suggested making an origin story based around the dreaded snowman headed mascot’s origin story. “So, what do you think?” Rosenberg inquired like some kind of Bear, as Jack attempted to deflect answering the question by pitching a movie idea of his own as he said, “picture this; a crispy chicken sandwich.” Rosenberg claimed to love the idea as he took Jack out to eat at their local Jack In The Box, but just as Jack was about to take a bite out from his bacon ultimate cheeseburger, Rosenberg placed his large meaty hand upon Jack’s shoulder as he said, “Moby you must try.” Malcolm Rosenberg was using a calming method taught to him by Moby Dick’s mother Mother Dick back in the Summer to end all Summers, and back when seahorses became infamous in the West Coast at least for hoarding gold bowls. After some initial reluctance, Jack ultimately agreed to share his origin story with Rosenberg, who after hearing the story produced a screenplay or rather a first draft of one. He also inserted himself into the film, because he is quite vain like that. Also, I had been odfather for Rosenberg’s son earlier in the year, so he offered to make me pumpkin soup. I turned that offer down, but he sweetened the deal by offering me a sneaky peak at his screenplay. He had warned me from sharing it, but I’m sorry Mal I can’t keep something like this a secret.

The film starts exactly the same as the anecdote I just explained. Jack and Malcolm ride around the Hollywood studios lot, and have themselves a nice lunch as Jack begins to tell his origin story to the delight of Rosenberg and the intrigue of the Corleone Capos who were using the restaurant to wash their dough in a sink. All tables at Jack In The Box come with a sink so you can wash your burger and maybe even possibly your fries. Born in Michigan, Jack was born not Jack Box, but rather Jack Burger. A really embarrassing name I know. His childhood and adolescence was rather unremarkable, but when he was in his early to mid twenties he got a job as a fry cook at a rundown restaurant called That’s My Number which was run by a man named Wilt Built. He co-owned the restaurant with a band of old ladies, and each every lunch time and I really do mean it when I say every single one he and the ladies would sing a really cringey song about how you need to call his number. They don’t even keep their musical number inside the restaurant as they dance on the cars in the parking lot. Jack didn’t join his tenure at That’s My Number very much as he repeatedly tried to resign, only for Wilt to remind the young and ambitious snowman that he did not yet have the knowledge of how the fast world of fast food works so he must stay at the restaurant until he gains the knowledge. Jack was viewed with ridicule by society because he had very different ideas on fast food such as his ideas for a bacon ultimate cheeseburger as back in those days, burgers only ever had one slice of bacon if you can believe that. His parents also really weren’t happy with Jack as they had wanted their son to become a man of the cloth, but Jack didn’t trust the Men Of The Cloth as they used to spy on him as he swung on a swing in the park. He also refused to deal with them, because they were responsible for Wilt closing his restaurant on Christmas. Wilt was a former member of the Cloth, and he decided to honour his former brothers in the waistband trade by always closing his restaurant’s doors on Christmas day much to Jack’s grievance.

One evening while leaving That’s My Number, Jack was confronted by Cosgrove Shulane, a homeless man on Jack’s estate who was a regular tormentor of his. Shulane stole Jack’s lunch of a cheeseburger as he then held Jack at gunpoint, and forced him to listen to his story about how he believes certain Halloween masks could cause a bad case of hippo face. Cosgrove was a known lunatic who believed that the burgers that Jake was making were far too cheap, and he suggested raising the price up so that Jack could rake in the dough. “Um no.” Jack said as he didn’t own a rake as he made his way home in order to watch some telly. He had spent his life savings… so far anyway to get that telly even though his father Drew really wanted a ferrari. More specifically, a red horse named Ferrari, and he wanted it for FREE! Drew was the only one in the family to have the snowman shaped head, and he initially resented it until he came to respect the head after being given a novelty Jack in The Box toy which his grandpa had found in a toy store during the Olive Oil War. Toy stores were shut during the Olive Oil War so as to preserve the toys that could get damaged. Jack too was inspired by the toy as he really liked the name Jack In The Box, it seemed to suit him well he thought as he puffed on a cigarette as he clicked on the telly. Jack’s only safe haven during this time was his idol, the world famous chef and popular talk show host; Eddie Gourmand. Gourmand was incredibly fat and was also incredibly vain as he often insulted pizza places on purpose because he knew that people took his word very seriously, and the pizza place would be closed immediately. In spite of this, Gourmand had his own little army of pizza cooks who cooked him pizza every day, and he kept up a good public image by starting his own charity entitled Gourmand Aid which pledges to raise money for hungry crickets even though Eddie had been caught on at least two occasions stepping on crickets with his sneaky sneakers. Gourmand also owned a culinary school in New Hampshire which Jack had tried to join once upon a time, he passed all of the tests, but alas it was not to be.

While watching Gourmand’s show Gourmand’s Tasty Treats, Jack fantasised about himself appearing in the audience and during this Gourmand called him down to the stage by proclaiming, “oh come down here boy come down here!” Jack made his way onto the stage where Gourmand asked for Jack to show him how a real chef makes a bacon cheese burger. Jack provided Gourmand with a prototype of the bacon ultimate cheeseburger as Gourmand took a bite as he said, “mm, now that burger is genius.” Even in Jack’s fantasies, Eddie Gourmand was incredibly rude as he spoke with his mouth full of food. Jack didn’t care as he received a hug from Gourmand which sent him flying to the other side of the recording studio as a result of Gourmand's humongous belly Awakening from his daydreams, Jack headed to bed as he stared at a sign for a theme park which had Mr Bean’s blasted on it which sat across the street from his apartment. The sign was also a GIF before GIF’s were a thing with Mr Bean sticking a weird silver ball up his nostril as he said sinisterly, “brace yourself.” The following day at That’s My Number, Jack got into trouble after he made a rookie error. He gave a customer a chicken that had no bones, no that was a joke son in reality he gave the customer an apple as the restaurant had run out of salads. Jack was unaware or rather too stupid to read the crate that the apples came in which stated that the apples were ridden with pesticide. The customer took a big bite from the apple and held his chest in disgust as he cried, “oh no!” “Oh Sir, please stop!” Jack protested as he tried to keep the customer away from the restroom by offering him several free dessert items including an arctic roll coated in mould, blue cheese pudding, and bowtie french fry, a compliment from the Plaza Hotel.

Jack loved the Plaza Hotel even though he had only been there twice, as the concierge Tim Curry treated Jack and his parents like royalty with them being treated by Curry as being personal friends of the management. Curry really liked Jack back then, but these days he suspects the mascot of being a major counterfeiter. Why exactly does Curry suspect this? Ask the dishes! Anyways, Jack’s attempts to buy the customer off with sweets caused him to trip on a puddle of apple juice or at least I most certainly hoped it was that Jack was actually supposed to clean up. The customer tripped backwards, and ended up falling inside a cauldron full of boiling hot custard. He came out from the cauldron clutching his chest as he cried, “ah Calippo! “ And to think, all Jack needed to calm the customer down would have been to get him a Galippo lolly.” In reaction to this incident, Jack was let go from his job not that he minded anyway as before he left Wilt and his band of old ladies sang their song again and Jack was not allowed to leave until he listened to the song, and wrote a review. “If you need someone to call, you can call me girl.” Wilt sang as he came towards Jack in slow motion. Jack collected his personal belongings from the changing room, but he got the last laugh as he stuffed a rotten burger into Wilt’s locker which had a black bun, green cheese, fungus stop the bun, and a grilled shoe was in the middle. Jack’s prank ended up backfiring as a heavily built street thug opened up the locker to see if Wilt had been borrowing his slippery dog detrodant when he spotted the grilled shoe rotten burger. He picked the burger up as he proclaimed, “oh man how did ole Wilt know? I love a grilled shoe!” He bit into the burger, as Jack made his way into the town and across a rickety old bridge which had a troll sitting beneath, and he was walking for a while until he reached a park. He sat down on a bench, and reached inside a brown bag and pulled out a prototype of the bacon ultimate cheeseburger. He had spent evenings and nights preparing the burger, but just as he was about to dig in he was stopped dead in his tracks by a smooth talking trio of Wall Street looking tycoons who Jack recognised instantly as being employees of Eddie Gourmand. The trio worked as camera operators and script editors for the show.

Jack enjoying the burger caught the eye of the Gourmand Three, who came up to the bench and the fattest one of the three asked for a bite. Back in those times, Jack was a very kind hearted fellow so he split his burger into three halves for the three men as he wasn’t feeling very hungry as the incident at work had made him lose his appetite. The tallest man ate his piece as he grabbed Jack by the carrot looking nosey as he yelled, “is this some kind of joke!? This burger tastes like a sweat sock dipped in wax.” “There’s no reason to be rude.” Jack said politely as he rubbed the man’s shoulders affectionately as he tried to explain to the trio that one day when they were very old and cold, they may be pulled out of their car by a street thug, but if they keep the lessons that they learn today they may be able to get out from the situation unscathed. The fattest man turned to his friends and asked, “what?” He didn’t even sound like he was deliberately being stupid so as to aggrevate Jack, no he sounded legitimately confused and his friends weren’t doing much better. Jack was thrown down onto the ground, as the Gourmand Three decided to beat him up. Jack was beaten for a while, until he reached inside his cap and pulled out his service revolver which he had gotten from family friend; Luca Brasi. Rest in peace. I heard someone had bunked him off. I wonder what the story was behind that. In any case, Jack unloaded all of the bullets into two of the men, while the fat attempted to escape down an old abandoned briar patch. Jack chased the man through the briar patch, but the man ended up causing his own death after he walked into an incredibly large forn which impaled him through the gut killing him instantly. Jack lowered his gun as he sang, “I simply must go!” He ran through the streets and headed inside his apartment in order to ponder about aerodynamics. Jack always had a problem when it came to taking criticism which is why he had to kill the Gourmand Three.

Knowing that his burgers could be a real hit someday, he decided to ignore recent events and opened up his own burger van located just across the street from his former place of employment, and Jack was forced to move shop after Wilt broke into the back of the van and poisoned Jack’s burger meat by lacing it with cyanide. Oh come now, it’s just a goof. Could it be Goof Troop? Following the incident with the poisoned burgers, Jack decided to close up his burger van and accompany his mother and father for a holiday over in the Cornish countryside in a hotel which was ran by Austin a very friendly butler who smiled a smelly smile at Jack as he made his way up to the hotel’s main lobby in order to get his room key. In spite of some initial misgivings about the butler, both Jack and Austin grew to become very close friends. Austin opened up to Jack about how he really wants his master to buy a brand new floor, but they are just not caving in. Likewise, Jack explained to Austin about his desire to open a world famous restaurant someday which is when Austin suggested that Jack ask the Kameal Brothers for a place where he could sell his burgers. The Kameal Brothers are landlords, and they own several homes across the United States including some rundown warehouses which had caught Jack’s eye whenever he passed by on the odd evening jog. Austin then invited Jack to a BBQ, but to his sadness Jack had begun running down the lane like a mad man. Jack looked back at Austin who looked really sad, and he started crying as he entered the hotel’s restaurant where a customer asked for a cheese sandwich. “No problem Sir!” Austin proclaimed happily as he produced a plate full of not cheese sandwiches, but rather jam sandwiches which the customer did not like. The customer was forced to eat the sandwich as Austin stared at him sinisterly.

The Kameal Brothers, as they had been with all of their customers in the past, were very rude with Jack and they refused to sell a warehouse to someone of Jack's social standing. Jack then offered to make the Brothers one of his bacon ultimate cheeseburgers and they agreed. The Kameal Brothers sat down at a table in Jack’s apartment, and helped themselves to a platter full of Jack’s burgers and they seemed to be very impressed about what they were eating. Although that could be because Jack sprinkled a small dose of cocaine over the burger which caused the Kameal Brothers to become so coked out of their minds that they agreed to give Jack ownership of the warehouse which was located in Michigan. Jack had chosen this particular warehouse because well I don’t really know. I should also mention that while drugged out, the Kameal Brothers hallucinated that Jack had a crocodile standing next to Jack who snarled at the pair, and they were afraid that if they did not give Jack the deeds to the warehouse they would end up getting eaten by Jack’s pet. The warehouse was not big, and was about the size of your average McDonald’s. Jack decided to name his restaurant Jack In The Box after that beloved novelty toy of his father’s. Jack was so committed to this name that the day after he selected it, he headed to the courthouse and had his name legally changed to Jack Box. He felt like the name Jack Burger wouldn’t be doing him any favours which is why he felt the need to have it changed so that it fit with his brand. Business started off slow, but as more and more time passed Jack gradually started to gain more and more customers. As the money started multiplying, Jack started to renovate the joint but as that was going on he received a phone call from Eddie Gourmand’s PA who asked Jack if it would be okay for Gourmand to visit his restaurant. According to the PA, Gourmand had been scouting restaurants all along the United States in order to see if someone was worthy of becoming his personal chef and protege. You know; someone that Gourmand could project all of his cooking secrets onto. Ole Gourmand had heard about Jack through his contacts inside the newspaper companies who told the fat chef that Jack was doing good deeds for everyone by making them such lovely burgers.

Nearly fainting over the possibility of possibly meeting his idol in the flesh, Jack agreed to let Gourmand to scout the restaurant. Sadly, the visit was to cement Jack’s new title as the snowman prince of the fast food empire. Gourmand arrived at Jack In The Box, and was very rude indeed not treating Jack with much respect as he rolled his eyes when Jack yapped on and on about how he and his parents never missed a show. “So, what’s in the box sport?” Gourmand questioned Jack as he held up a bag full of two bacon ultimate cheeseburgers. They were in a bag not a box so what pray tell is the matter with Eddie Gourmand? I think he’s box blind or something. Guessing ole Gourmand won’t be enjoying that movie Box Trolls anytime soon now will he? Eddie sat down in the main restaurant area having refused a booth. He picked up one of the burgers, and gave it a good sniff. He then squeezed it like an air horn as he ate the thing in one bite. After consuming the goods, Gourmand groaned as he cried, “oh dear lord that was terrible! I dare say Mr Box you could quite possibly have the worst restaurant in the entire United States.” Since Gourmand happened to have the health inspectors in his apron for big money, he ordered for the restaurant to be closed down but that’s when Jack rose from his chair and pulled Gourmand’s apron over his many chins as he cried, “you’ll never take me alive!” Jack ran through the streets, and Eddie Gourmand chased him like a mad man as he roared, “come back here boy! You owe me fresh meat for my pot.” Oh yes, Gourmand planned to cook Jack into a hot pot, and this was an age-old tactic taught to him by his grandmother Mable last Summer, and things were very different back then. I mean were they really though? Alleyways are often times a good place to get turned up, but Jack found himself stuck in a dead end when he reached an old abandoned alleyway and when he turned around he found himself getting confronted by the big chef cheese himself; Eddie Gourmand. Thinking quickly, Jack reached inside a dustbin which was full of sulphuric acid and pulled out a revolver. Jack Box was immune to sulphuric acid so that’s why it had no effect on him.

With the revolver in hand, Jack unloaded three bullets into Gourmand’s body but they had no effect as they bounced off from the chef’s fat body as if he was wearing some kind of spongy material. Gourmand ran towards Jack, but he ducked away just in time as Gourmand ended up slipping on a banana peel and he fell into the dustbin full of sulphuric. Gourmand died instantly as a result of the poisonous chemicals. With Gourmand disposed of, Jack's company becomes a multi million dollar empire with Jack himself becoming one of the richest men in the United States. However as his fame and success grows, Jack's personal feelings fail as for example, he felt no empathy when his father Drew died after eating a rotten burger that Jack had given him for a discount rate of $3.99. In truth, ever since launching his company, Jack had grown distant only coming to see his parents when it suited him as he was now living in a lovely council house far away and yet not so very far away. He had come to see his mother one day for Mother’s Day, and told her that he was going to be making his breakfast sandwich a little cheaper, but that’s when Drew came into the kitchen suffering from a gentleman’s complaint. Jack gave Drew a free burger, and he ate the burger and began gagging violently as he asked Jack for a doggie bag. He then DIED, and Jack’s mother of course naturally blamed Jack for the death but he played dumb. In fairness, Jack’s mother should have been able to see that the burger was deadly as the bloody thing had poop all over it, worms were coming out from the bun, and there was seaweed in place of sesame seeds.

In truth, Jack’s mother was in deadly fear of her son though she and him treated each other with cold politeness. He had always been a good boy with his mother awarding him with sweets for attending church and doing chores. She also blamed herself partly for Jack’s descent as she was responsible for introducing Jack to family friend Scrooge McDuck. McDuck was an old friend of Jack’s family, and when Jack was a child he was regularly babysat by McDuck who acted as Jack’s mentor during this period. Scrooge tried to be a good role model, and he often gave lectures to Jack whenever he did something bad such as stealing cookies from the church’s Christmas bake sale and so on and so forth. Whenever Jack misbehaved, he was sent to his bed. Scrooge would sit on the edge of the bed, and shoot Jack with the most sinister glare that the world has yet known. Scrooge ended up not being a very good mentor as he convinced Jack that being rich was the flavour to favour, and he lectured Jack on how when he was a little lad living in Scotland he never got his one and only Christmas wish; the bagpipe. Jack too became obsessed with bagpipes, but much like Scrooge McDuck before him he was never able to get them. Well, in fairness, he could just buy the bagpipes instead, but don’t judge friend because ole Jackie Box ain’t too bright you know, Much like Gourmand before him, Jack kept up a good image by having a wife and child. He also grew a murderous side during this period as he decided to pay his old friend; Cosgrove Shulane a little visit. You remember ole Cosgrove don’t you? Jack and two of his men confronted Cosgrove in an old abandoned train track. Cosgrove begged for forgiveness, but it was too late for Jack had seen clearly that there was no love in his heart. Jack’s men held Shulane down as Jack and I’m not even joking here proceeded to lift his damn head off. Once he was decapitated, Jack threw Shulane’s head into a cake box, and ordered for his men to send it to Cosgrove’s widow. He also wrote FREE CAKE on the box in order to trick them into thinking it was a freshly cooked lobster because he’s quite sadistic like that. After disposing of Cosgrove, Jack cursed the Shulane name and said that if he were to encounter someone with the same surname he would fire them on the spot.

As his company became more and more powerful, Jack became something of a con artist as he started up a scam competition entitled Win Jack’s Stuff. The aim was to buy stuff from any participating Jack In The Box in order to win some of Jack’s stuff including his private jet, penthouse suite at the Plaza Hotel, and even his pet pig who was rather fat for a pig just saying. So fat as a matter of fact, that Jack had to add a damn pigsty to the side of his restaurant. Two kids passed by the pigsty one day with one of them remarking, “you know that really is one fat pig shrimpy.” He called his friend shrimpy because he was deathly allergic to shrimp. Jack chased the kids down for calling his pig fat, but they stole his hat which made him cry as he sat down on an old stump which was full of maple syrup as he cried, “there goes all that I have loved!” Win Jack’s Stuff got off to a very bad start when one of Jack’s employees mused that Jack was not giving his wife away as he wanted to win a night with her, and who wouldn’t am I right. Let’s just say she knows her way with a box if you know what I mean. Jack made the competition have a sinister twist and that was that none of Jack’s employees were eligible for the winning ticket. The employee who I’ll just call Raul ripped the display poster off from the sliding door only to learn that Jack was standing right behind the door with a cup of coffee in hand. Still the moment had passed, and Jack remained impassive like some kind of Tom Hagen as the terrified Raul tried his best to rectify his mistake by putting the poster back up, but it failed as Jack gave orders for Raul to be sent to Timbuktu. Timbuktu was Jack’s favourite location for sending renegade employees to, as they do things differently down there so the papers claim or rather that’s what I’m told anyway.

Raul was taken outside into the parking lot, and placed into a trunk which was then thrown into the back of a moving truck. One of the trunkers hit the back of the truck with his gloved hand as he yelled, “take him to Timbuktu!” “Not tonight it’s Christmas Eve!” The truck driver proclaimed in the dumbest voice you’d ever hear as both he and the truck disappeared into the sunset while really cheesy music played in the background on a nearby stereo which was riddled to the brim with cobwebs, and that ain’t nice. Can’t hear anything with a stereo like that. Jack didn’t really care about Raul’s comment about his wife, but what had concerned him was when Raul tore the poster down. He considered all of his employees to be like family even if he never really talked with them. The aim of Win Jack’s Stuff was that people would buy more of Jack’s stuff thinking they were going to get a prize, but in reality there were no prizes as it was nothing more than an elaborate red herring. Jack had to cancel the competition early as he was due to receive a visit from his uncle a doctor Evertt Scoltt whose name was not unheard of to Jack. Why was Jack so afraid to receive a visit from his uncle who he had not seen in years? Well you see; Doctor Scott worked for the government or more specifically he worked for a special unit inside the government which investigated fast food anomalies, and Jack’s mother had hired her brother in law to investigate Jacks food in order to see if he had tampered with the burger that had killed his father Drew all of those moons ago. Jack was worried about other things too as he had recently began selling olive oil at his restaurant which earned the attention of Don Vito Corleone who offered the up and coming millionaire some bottles of his finest Genco Pura Olive Oil. Jack took the offer, but Don Corleone warned him that one day and that day may never come he would expect Jack to perform a service for him.

One evening after making the olive oil trade of a lifetime with the Godfather, Jack had himself a terrible nightmare. He was standing in the parking lot of his restaurant and Vito Corleone appeared in a hearse. He unloaded the hearse, and revealed that there were two coffins stacked in there. Vito opened up the coffins, and they were full of Molinari Family members who had been gutted like a fish. Vito was dressed in old Victorian bedwear with a nightcap, dressing gown, and was holding a candle as he said in an echoey voice, “remember Jack bury them quickly.” He groaned so heavily that his wife jolted him out of sleep. “What kind of man are you?” Jack’s wife had asked him as she then continued with, “having a nightmare on the day of my mother’s bake sale.” Jack then proceeded to throw his wife out of their ten story bedroom window as he helped himself to a cup of espresso. On the morning of Doctor Scott’s arrival, Jack attended a show at his son’s elementary school where the kids were talking about what they wanted to do when they were older. Jack wasn’t having a very good day as while making his way into the assembly hall he was intercepted by the incredibly annoying choir teacher who had a very high pitched voice as she sang, “would you like some chips and mushy peas?” Jack smiled grimly at her, and even as a young man there was something so chilly in his smile that the choir teacher hesitated for a moment before forcing the line behind Jack to sing Doctor Knickabocker. The less said about that particular song the better I tell you what. Before we continue, I feel as though I must in fact address that ever since his murder of Eddie Gourmand, Jack had become extremely judgemental towards anyone who dared to think less of him. He was also becoming judgemental of his son in recent days as he wanted his son to join him in his trade, and he didn’t care one bit for his son’s attitude after he told Jack that pride was the reason behind his sudden level in jerkness.

The show was really bad with Jack’s son announcing that he wanted to become a vegetarian, and this offended Jack so much that he was actually fully prepared to disown Little Jack until he revealed that he had actually mistaken the word vegetarian for veterinarian much to Jack’s delight as he rose from his chair, and clapped gleefully completely unaware of the fact that he was being watched from afar by Doctor Everett Scott who was mesmerized by how watery the orange juice that the school was selling for $99 as they were clearly trying to make back the loses that the Great Mushy Pea Scandal had lost them. The Great Mushy Pea Scandal was a massive scandal in which Clifford Elementary School received 1000 cans of mushy peas, and the school not having the funds to sell the peas back they decided to instead mix every single meal with mushy peas including mushy pea sushi, mushy pea pizza, mushy pea shaped like the Eiffel Tower, and even the leaning tower of mushy. The parents of the children that attended the school including Jack Box himself were offended, because they had been led to believe by those journalists over at the Daily Otter that the school was constantly using mushy peas so that they didn’t have to pay their regular farmer to grow more garden peas for them. That farmer wasn’t very good anyway as he takes like 60 days just to plant one potato which he then turns said potato into a french fry. He picks the french fry up, and looks at it with an incredibly cheesy face as he says, “that there is Paris.” A pelican with a toilet for a beak then stole the fry out from the farmer’s hand, but he did not care for he knew better than to cheat a friend as guilty pelicans have got no rhythm. As a wise Wallace once foretold, the Mushy Pea Scandal had cost the school a great many pennies so they were trying to get back their loses by charging extraordinary and ludicrous amounts for orange juice and the cheese and onion sandwiches which taste so bad that you’ll get nausea just by being in the same room as one of them. Yeah, that's not a word of a lie! Those damn sandwiches are taking everyone for a ride!

Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yes, once outside in the parking lot, Jack was loading up his car with fruits and vegs he stole from the school’s farmers market when he was confronted by Doctor Scott who said, “Jack we met again.” “What do you want Doctor Scott?” Jack inquired, and that’s when Doctor Scott quickly brought up the matter of his brother’s mysterious death which just so happened to occur just after Jack gave him the rotten bacon ultimate cheeseburger. Scott’s questions caused several onlookers to gaise in Jack’s direction with judgemental faces. Not wanting the public to start asking questions of their own, Jack opted to take Doctor Scott out for lunch at a Jack In The Box which was located just across the street from Clifford Elementary. This meal was not a very pleasant one as Jack played a wicked prank on Doctor Scott by pouring boiling hot coffee upon the elderly German doctor’s lap, but Jack failed to realise that since he was in a wheelchair and thus disabled from the waist down, Doctor Scott felt no pain from the boiling hot coffee that landed upon his groin. Jack sat down and expressively waved his hands as he said, “okay talk then friend.” “I’m not your friend Jack, I am your uncle.” Doctor Scott said as he started moving his shoulders around as he sang a song about how Drew Box was troubled from the day he was born. “All he ever wanted was cheese and ham toasties.” Doctor Scott sang as Jack then added that Drew was quite a guy and his story would make you cry, as Doctor Scott then admitted, “und I did.” Doctor Scott then told a mini anecdote about the time he gave his brother a chicken that had no bones, but Drew had spurned him in contempt, preferring instead the taste of a southern fried chicken sandwich from Jack In The Box. Drew’s grateful attitude, and love for Jack In The Box had sparked Doctor Scott’s envy which is the reason why he had agreed to investigate into the restaurant to see if they had anything to do with the death. Rising from his chair, Jack pointed towards the ceiling panels as he sang, “look up there! What do you see? What do you see?” Doctor Scott, Jack’s wife, and Little Box all became horrified when they saw Drew’s body had been stuck to the ceiling with super glue as if to remind Jack that even in death, he will always be watching over him.

Doctor Scott ended up passing out due to Jack spiking his burger with homemade otter sauce which the old doc was highly allergic to if you didn’t know. I mean how could you unless you happen to have read his file. Hmm yes, quite the file quite the story. Doctor Scott like some kind of Colonel Bolonel then had an allergy induced dream about being a dancer in Las Venturas who wears fishnet stockings, and clicks his heels together and yaps on about how he can’t join in with a team of mice who plan on robbing the local restaurant. Truly a fantasy we all wish to have at least once in our lives. Hmm, when he awoke, Doctor Scott found himself stuck in the middle of the train tracks as a train came speeding towards him. “Oh no!” Doctor Scott cried out at the top of his lungs, but don’t worry I’m sure he’ll be fine und he is! Satisfied with the defeat of his uncle, Jack went back to running his business as normal, but that’s when he had an idea. An awfully wicked idea. He decided that it was time to start biggering, and so in the next few months and years he had expanded his restaurant to be across the entire United States. While all of this was going on, Jack made sure to construct a will so that if anything were to happen to him he would have insurance that his family and accounts team would all be okay. He was mostly concerned about his accounts team, but you didn’t hear that from me okay? You probably think that Jack would want his son to become his heir, but in reality he didn’t want his son anywhere near the family business as himself to be the only Box ever to know the secrets of the Jack In The Box. He had actually originally intended to hand ownership over to his loyal right-hand man; Phil. His surname cannot be mentioned here for legal reasons, but it rhymes with McCoy and salad dressing. Sadly, Phil ended up losing his chance to inherit the Jack In The Box brand after he became quite the eager beaver following a little accident that Jack got himself into.

While walking through town one day, Jack yapped on and on to an uncaring Phil about how he wanted to expand the company even further, possibly into the United Kingdom and maybe even Oakton City. Jack ended up walking across the street without looking both ways which resulted in him getting hit by a bus. The impact of the crash forced Jack into a coma, and it seemed highly doubtful that ole Jackie boy would be able to get out of this one. His doctor; Doctor Hap was dressed like a 14th century doctor as he said to Jack’s stijl yet to be named wife, “as his doctor, I would advise pulling the plug Mrs Box.” Phil then stood at the side of Jack’s hospital bed smiling gleefully as he did so as he told the still comatose Jack about his plans to take Jack In The Box into the future. His plans included abolishing the breakfast menu, charging extra, and renaming the company to Phil In The Box. Get it? It’s like fill in the box! Ha! It’s word play! Stop looking at me like I’m ill. “PHIL IN THE BOX!?” Jack barked at the very top of his lungs as he got out from his bed and grabbed Phil in a headlock. He crushed that man’s head with his bare hands which caused Phil’s eye to spring out like a… well… like a mini mall! With Phil disposed of, Jack ordered his associates to bury him in Burgundy as he just didn’t care. Nothing was left for he had searched everywhere. It didn’t take very long at all for Jack to find a new right-hand man replacement for Phil as he quickly met a man named Derek Rice. Derek was so British it hurts, and he was also a total wet blanket as he would constantly lecture the employees at Jack’s establishment about how Jack Box was a great man. However, much like Phil before him, ole Rice secretly had his own agenda as once Jack became old and frail, he would take control of the company and he would start his reign over the Jack In The Box empire by renaming every restaurant Roll The Dice, he would also swap chairs with toilets so that people could empty themselves as they ate, and he also planned to strike up a brand deal with his best friend; The Once-Ler who runs Thneeds Incorporated. Thneeds Incorporated and Roll The Dice would become partners in the trade, as every meal served would come with a Thneed. A fine thing that all people need! The Thneed is new, the Thneed is great, and it’s just 3.98! Ooh what a steal! Oh yes, you don’t get a Thneed free with your meal as you have to buy that separately. Still, you will get some free cawl so that makes it all okay.

As the years passed, Jack grew to become more and more judgemental indeed as he refused to take advice from anyone and started falsely accusing everyone of conspiring against him. Derek Rice knew better as he was the only one who would never question Jack as he repeatedly told his lover Scuba Diver Moe that he would not make the same mistake that Phil made. Only time will tell if that happens or not. The film would then end with a question about whether absolute power and corporate greed changed Jack, or perhaps his pride was the real problem as pride was a worm that feasted upon Jack’s soul and caused him to forget about all of the important things in life. In the last scene, Jack sits on a sidewalk drinking a beer as an incredibly scary looking street enforcer sits next to him who in spite of his appearance sounds like Mickey Mouse inside my house. He also looked a bit like a walrus, but without the tusks suggesting he may have paid someone to remove them. Presumably Doctor Bellwether. Jack asked the enforcer if the choices we make are permanent but he got no answer. He never did Remy he never did. Back in the present day, Jack sat at his booth with Malcolm Rosenberg who was jotting notes down in a journal as he asked, “and all of this really happened?” Jack puffed on a cigarette as he said, “sure did.” Jack then said that for his film debut he would be played by Jack Nicholson. Rosenberg pulled a very weird face as if he had smelt a nicotine sandwich as he said, “but he’s so old.” Jack shoved a massive apple into Rosenberg’s mouth as he made his way out of the restaurant to play catch with his son. He had been inspired to spend more time with his son after seeing a really cringey moment between his next door neighbour and his son. The son’s father was heading to work, and this made the boy upset as he wanted to play some catch. The father decided to say, “screw you,” to work as he and his son began playing catch as he proclaimed, “I love you son!” “I love you too Dad!” The son proclaimed happily with tears in his eye as he made his way into the street only to get run over by Jack’s pickup truck as he couldn’t stand emotional moments like that one to not have some kind of payoff.

So, that’s the origin story of Jack Box, but I must ask did it all really happen or did Jack make up parts just to make his story seem more interesting. Well my friends; the choice is ultimately up to you. As I spin my globe, I begin to realise that someone is watching from my office window. It’s Jack Box, and he doesn’t seem very happy that I’m spoiling the plot of his movie. He’s making his way up the patio steps, I had better hope I have a good excuse on hand because otherwise I’m in for a rough night.



Credited to Bruno Tattagllia 


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