Jefferson the Ender of Lives
One evening, I was sitting at home watching Rocky 2, and eating the world's 3rd largest pizza. My roommates were out at the pub getting drunk. As I got up to go to the loo, I noticed someone had left the door open.
"God dammit," I groaned to no-one in particular. "Can't those idiots perform the simple task of CLOSING A BLOODY DOOR? It's so draughty in here, I'm surprised the walls haven't frozen!" As I headed through the kitchen, I noticed a figure standing by the fridge, bending over. He was wearing a white hoodie and had long black hair. "DAMMIT, JEFF! STOP PINCHING MY MILK! GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN!" I bellowed. The figure turned around, and, to my surprise it was not Jeff the killer. He looked like Jeff, but he was wearing a top hat and monocle, and had a monopoly mustache.
"Pardon?" said the man. "Who is this Jeff fellow?"
"Oh. Sorry, sir," I replied. "I thought that you were another guy, called Jeff the Killer."
"Who on Earth is that?" inquired the man. "My name is Jefferson the Ender of Lives. I have never heard of this 'Jeff' fellow, but I'm sure his... er... confidential is gigantic, and he has 700 girlfriends and boyfriends."
"Oh, quite the opposite," I replied. "He's a fish-faced loser, who is despised by all."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Well, anyway, I must continue my life ending. Hold still, please," he said, nonchalantly, "and kindly return to your slumber."
He pulled out a knife, but I kicked him in the balls. He fell to the ground, hard. So hard, in fact, that his mustache, hat and monocle flew off (somehow).
"Wait a minute," I said. "You're not Jefferson the Ender of Lives... You're the Rake!"
"... You're an idiot." said 'Jefferson'. "I'm obviously Jeff the Killer, you moron."
"Oh yeah." I said, feeling like the buffoon I was. "Well, why were you wearing such a ridiculous disguise?"
"Well," explained Jeff, "I thought that I would get insulted less when I showed up to kill someone. It has apparently not worked."
"Well, any attempt to get people to stop insulting you would always fail," I said mockingly, before Jeff killed me. Come to think of it, if I'm dead, I'm not even sure how I wrote this.
And then a skeleton popped out. Because original jokes? What are those?
Written by Yorkshirebacon
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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