John Cheeseburger saves the world from communism

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There is only one place in the world that has freedom. And that place, is the United States of America. All other countries are being run by evil communist dictators. I've decided to free these countries. My name is John Cheeseburger, and I shall save the world from communism.

I grab my gun collection and took my American flag and put it on as a cape as I run down the stairs. My mom looks at me and says: "John, you're 42 years old. Aren’t you a little old to run around with a cape?" "Shut up, mom!" I replied. "I'm gonna save all other countries from their communist dictators!" "Can you even name another country?" She said, in an annoyed tone. "Yes I can, mom. In fact, I'll name all countries that exist! We have the United States, Canada, Mexico, Russia, China, Vietnam and Europe." My mom looked at me, with a disappointed glance in her eyes. "That's not all countries, boy. You're missing the country of Africa." I look at her, with a smile on my face and say: "You're right mom! That should be all of them. Well, I'll go save them now!" Before I run out of the house, my mom yells: "Just be back before dinner!"

I quickly drove to the airport and flew to Canada. I had to order two seats, because my 400-pound body could not fit within a single airplane seat. After landing in Canada, I got my guns and walked right towards the home of their prime minister, Justin Trudeau. On my way there, I aggressively bumped into many different Canadians, who kept apologizing to me, even though I bumped into them. This just shows how far gone they are. They don’t have the freedom to get aggressively bumped into by other people? How far this country has fallen. Shortly after, I arrived at Trudeau’s home. “Trudeau, I am here to bring Freedom to Canada. I will free them from your communist dictatorship!” Trudeau stood up from his chair and said: “I’m sorry, but I am not the prime minister of Canada anymore. We’re also not communist nor dictators.” “You can not trick me with your lies, you communist! Now, I shall defeat you with the power of the American Constitution!” Afterwards, I grabbed my copy of the constitution I always have on me. Upon revealing the constitution, Trudeau started melting. “Nooooooooo! My one weakness, American Freedom!” Soon, only a puddle remained where Trudeau once stood. “Good, his evil communist ideas are gone. Soon my lord and savior, Donald Trump, will come and make Canada the 51st state. Then, they will know true freedom.” Afterwards, I moved to Mexico.

After arriving in Mexico, I was immediately kidnapped by a drug cartel. They tied me to a chair. Shortly after, their leader entered the room. The drug lord told me his name, but I forgot. It was probably Juan. I told Juan about how I would stop his communist drug cartels with the power of freedom. Afterwards, they called me “stupid” and “broke”. They thought they had nothing to gain from me, so they decided to leave me. After they left, I prayed to my lord and savior, Donald Trump. Trump answered my prayers and came to Mexico. He started to speak: “Do not give in to despair, John Cheeseburger. You need to bring freedom to the world. I will untie you so you can continue your quest.” Afterwards, Trump untied me. When the cartel members came back to check on me, I shoved a 1 000.000 calories cheeseburger in their mouths, which is considered a small meal in America. The cartel members could not handle the taste of American freedom cheeseburgers, so they all died of heart attacks. That’s when I knew I freed Mexico from the communist drug cartel. Well, next up is Vietnam.

After I arrived at Vietnam, I did what we Americans do best. I shot up innocents at a school. If they died, they could not be tricked into believing in communism. After shooting up a bunch of schools, the Vietnamese government came to me and said: “We’re sorry Mr. Cheeseburger. We were wrong during the Vietnam war. We will now reject Communism and accept true American freedom. As a token of our appreciation, please accept all our oil and other natural resources. All oil around the world should belong to America anyway.” Satisfied with my actions, I left for Europe.

When I landed in the country of Europe, I was shocked. I had never seen something like this before. I could walk around in the city without needing a car. This shows how unfree they had become. This was clearly an attack on my freedom to drive cars. Anyway, it had been quite a long day, so I ordered some food at a restaurant. But this shook me even more. First of all, the large portion was way too small. What about my freedom to eat as much as I want? What about my freedom to be unhealthy? Did I enter a communist restaurant? When I got the bill, I was not even forced to tip. What about the freedom of restaurant owners to not pay their employees? This showed me they had no freedom in the country of Europe. Enraged, I asked the restaurant owners where the European government was located. They told me it was in this place called “Belgium” and that it was “A few hundred kilometers away”. What the fuck is a Belgium? What the fuck is a kilometer? Why don’t Europeans make sense? What’s next? Are they gonna tell me I can’t own guns here? No, they would never fall that far.

Shortly after eating, I shot up the restaurant, because they were communist and I have the freedom to shoot communists. Then, the ambulance came by to pick them up and help them. But that’s not the worst part. They did not need to pay $1.000.000 for their healthcare. This was clearly an attack on the freedom of insurance companies. Was even their healthcare in the hands of the communists? Afterwards I drove to the European government. After arriving, I found a council of 27 people. “Who is your leader?” I shouted. “What do you mean? We are all leaders of our own countries.” A guy replied. How is this possible? They had 27 presidents of Europe? How could they accept the American president if they had 27 different leaders? The communist propaganda must have gotten them. So, to free the country of Europe from communism, I shot up all 27 people in the council. I broke all their chairs, except one. “Now my lord and savior, Donald Trump, can rule the country of Europe from this seat.” Afterwards I left the country of Europe to go to the Country of Africa.

After arriving in the country of Africa, I realized they did not need freedom. So, I just took all their rare metals and other minerals and left. Now they have the freedom to not have rare resources.

After leaving Africa, I went to China. This was my last stop before my ultimate battle at Russia. I walked right into the CCP headquarters. “I want to speak with Xi Jinping!” I yelled. Then, I heard someone talking from behind me. “I’ve been expecting you, John Cheeseburger.” It was Xi. “Xi! I will free China from your evil communist dictatorship!” “Oh yeah? How will you do that?” Afterwards, I wrote something on a piece of paper and slammed in on the floor. Xi picked it up and started reading. “No way. Another 20% tariff? What will we do now? All other tariffs you put on us, we could handle. But with this one, we will all die. Please forgive us, Mr. Cheeseburger!” “I will forgive you, Xi. But only if you give us TikTok. Only the Americans deserve the freedom to spy on people through social media!” Afterwards, Xi gave me TikTok and I gave them freedom and the American constitution. Afterwards, I left for my final destination, Russia.

After arriving in Russia, I was greeted by their president, Putin. Putin explained to me that Russia was actually a very free country. They had an election where they could vote for two people, just like in America. Putin’s opponent just happened to die of natural causes right after signing up to run. That could not be Putin’s fault, right? And you can’t vote for a dead guy. So Putin automatically won their very democratic elections. However, Putin was fighting his own war for freedom. His war was against the evil Nazis of Ukraine. To help my Democratic brother, I nuked the fuck out of Ukraine (which I definitely knew existed before talking to Putin). Now the entire world had freedom.

After my quest was done, I sat down on a chair, painted to be like the flag of America. The American anthem was playing while bald eagles were shouting. Donald Trump came up to me and said “You’ve done it, John Cheeseburger! You brought freedom to the world! You will now be awarded with the Nobel Peace Prize!” I looked at him and said: “I would rather have a McDonalds meal.”

The end.

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Written by EvilLuigi.EXE
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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