Joker: The Dark Honk
This is a fictional joke story, so don't take it seriously fellas.
I'm sure you've heard of the Joker movie that came out in 2019. Those involved have several awards to their name thanks to the film, which was a surprising success, considering the uncertain pattern of previous DC Comics film adaptations.
An old friend of mine, Harold, was a bit of an odd case. He had been involved in a couple of incidents with the police- mainly just drug possession, as he was known to be a bit of an addict. I met him in college and we stayed in touch, although after his addiction got worse, he became distant and was pretty much impossible to reach unless he wanted to talk to you.
I heard from him back when Joker came out. Harold texted me out of the blue one night, said he had the movie, and wanted to know if I would come to his house to watch it with him.
At first, that didn't make any sense. The movie was too new to be out on DVD or anything like that, but I remembered that Harold never liked paying for anything, so him owning a legitimate copy was unlikely anyway. He'd probably downloaded it from somewhere on the internet. I'd heard about the film leaking online, but I wasn't really the kind of person to go looking for some crappy copy of a film when I could just go to the theater or wait for it to come out elsewhere.
Honestly, I didn't really WANT to take Harold's offer, in case he just wanted to do lines or something instead, but I figured someone needed to try to help him, so I agreed.
After a 30 minute drive or so, I got to his apartment. The door was disgusting, and the number on it was barely visible, but, I knew this was Harold's place.
When he opened the door, he looked worse than I remembered. He just kept laughing at his computer and told me to give him a second to get the movie ready. Sure enough, it was a pirated copy, but the name of the film was wrong.
The title of the film Harold had just downloaded was Joker: The Dark Honk.
I knew right away that the movie wasn't supposed to have some stupid fuckin' subtitle like "The Dark Honk". The fuck was this, some shitty porno?
"Hey, Harold, what's with the title?" I asked. "The Dark fuckin' Honk? Seriously?"
Harold just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, man. Seemed kinda stupid to me too, but it works."
I figured maybe he was just pulling some dumb prank, so I decided to just give it a try as Harold sat on the couch next to me and hit play.
The movie opened on what I'm pretty sure was, actually, the right scene, so I wasn't too concerned. We see Arthur Fleck, the man who is to become the Joker, putting on clown makeup for his job as a party clown, or whatever.
But suddenly, Arthur whipped out a fucking LEGO separator and ripped off his fucking jaw. He SCREAMED as blood splattered fucking EVERYWHERE, and some guy burst into the room and screamed "Yo Arthur, what the FUCK is wrong with you? Fuckin' basket case crazy ass mothafucka, you're fuckin' fired, ya freak."
Arthur looked at him and tried to laugh, but fucking blood came pouring out of his mouth instead.
Ok, THIS wasn't supposed to be in the movie. I looked over at Harold but he was already falling asleep. Why did I even agree to hang out with this guy?
This then inexplicably switched to INCREDIBLY low quality footage of Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street driving a Beamer like a couple of assholes and throwing cocaine out the window. They started driving on top of other people's fucking cars, resulting in hundreds of thousands of property damage. At one point, Bert stuck his ass out of the car and blasted a powdery coke shit at the nearest driver, causing a massive pileup and some woman to scream "OH MY GOD!!!!" over and over again.
Damn, what the hell? How the fuck did this scene even get in here? Warner Bros. didn't even own Sesame Street. It had literally nothing to do with the fucking plot, just Ernie and Bert being a couple of assholes.
The next few scenes were just a shitty slideshow of pictures of stuffed dogs.
There was no audio.
Then Arthur appeared again, fully transformed into the Joker. He was playing fuckin' Rocket League on the Nintendo Switch in a fucking Olive Garden and fucking SHRIEKING and slamming the table every time he lost a game, disrupting people's fucking dinner.
This didn't make any fucking sense, because the movie was supposed to be set in 1981, and Olive Garden didn't exist until 1982. Also, the Nintendo fuckin' Switch? Seriously? That didn't exist until 2017!
I lost my cool and SLAPPED Harold across the face with the might of a fucking M67 grenade, which woke him the fuck up.
"This isn't the right fuckin' Joker movie, man! What the fuck, Harold?"
Harold just leered at me like he was fucking dead and said "Yeah it is, dude."
Joker then walked over to some couple having a romantic dinner and FLIPPED their fucking table, spilling a 300 dollar bottle of wine all over the fucking room.
"That's what you get for eating at this FUCKING DUMP!" Joker screamed at the couple.
Joker then LAUNCHED over the table and started eating someone else's fucking dinner before saying "Damn, that tastes like ASS" and writing a bad Yelp review.
Finally, Joker RUNS over to some guy who's about to propose his girlfriend, pulls down his pants, and unleashes a massive shit, BLASTING the ring out of the guy's hand.
Joker then starts running away to the fucking "I Got 5 On It" horror remix from the movie "Us" as EVERYONE in the fucking restaurant starts chasing him down.
The crowd eventually catches up to Joker and starts beating the shit out of him, until Ernie and Bert show up and start spraying fucking tear gas everywhere, dispersing the crowd.
Joker began to thank Bert and Ernie, but they pulled out fucking metal whips and started whooping his ass. They then started loading him into the back of a fucking truck and driving off.
"Go the FUCK back to Sesame Street!" Joker screamed at Ernie and Bert as they started driving into a fucking lake and splashing water EVERYWHERE as the truck began to sink.
Ernie then turned to Bert and said "Well Bert, I guess we're shit's crick up this fuckin' lake.",
whatever the FUCK that meant.
"Ya know, guys, we're all gonna drown in this fucking truck." Joker says, and so everyone agrees to work together so that they don't drown in the fucking truck.
Bert carved a massive fuckin' 3 on the side of the truck for some reason, and everyone swam onto dry ground before Bert started offering everyone weed.
Joker, Ernie and Bert all smoke the weed and become friends.
Yes, that is an actual fucking sentence that I just wrote.
We then see Joker eating in the cafeteria at Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin, when suddenly, these weird fuckin' guys walked in wearing robes and massive turbans with HUGE fuckin' number 5's on them.
The "5 guys" started fuckin' leering at Joker and laughing before pulling out a fucking basketball and throwing it at Joker's food, spraying fuckin' fries and burger grease into the air and covering Joker in DISGUSTING fuckin' food stains.
Joker then SCREAMED at the guys and pulled a fuckin' pipe off the wall to attack them with, at which point I PUNCHED Harold so fucking hard he fell off the couch, tried to get back on, and fucking fell off again.
"Dude, what the FUCK is this movie?" I SCREAMED, before Harold started SCREAMING BACK and leapt at me.
The scene then changed to 3 men playing cards in some fuckin' casino. Joker approached them and said "who the fuck wants to die?" in a really fucking creepy sounding voice.
The guys all started screaming louder than a fucking air raid siren before Joker started fuckin' laughing really loudly. This entire scene was recorded with a REALLY unprofessional shitty mic, and everything was loud and crackly.
At this point, EVERYONE in the casino was staring at Joker, who was laughing so FUCKING loud most of the gamblers completely lost their focus.
This was fucking infernal. It felt like Joker was laughing at ME.
Suddenly, BATMAN came crashing through the fucking roof.
What the HELL? Batman was supposed to be like 10 years old at this point, why the fuck was he a grown man already?
"Time to FUCKIN' DIE, Joker." Batman yelled, which was REALLY fuckin' weird, because Batman isn't supposed to kill people.
Then the fucking Batmobile BURST down the doors and started firing lethal rounds and mustard gas everywhere.
Joker SHRIEKED and jumped through the window before damn Ernie and fucking Bert show up to save him.
Ernie started praying backwards in Latin and a shitty beamer appeared in the center of a pentagram. Joker tells Ernie to quote "stop making fucking instagrams" to which all audio stops, Ernie looks up at Joker, and says
"Pentagram, you thick fuck."
in what was probably Seth Rogen's voice.
Bert kept chugging these weird fucking pills and fidgeting.
That reminded me of Harold.
I turned around to the overpowering smell of marijuana as Harold lit a fucking joint and said "movie's pretty good, dude."
"Dude, no it's not." I said, as I got up to just fucking leave.
"Uh, yeah it is." Harold said, with a REALLY fuckin' serious look on his face. I expected him to start laughing or something, but he didn't.
Suddenly, Joker looked into the screen and said "movie's pretty good, dude."
What the fuck?
Then I heard police sirens outside, but the fucking "5 guys" got out of the car instead, at which point I realized that the entire room was filled with smoke, and I must've gotten high as fuck off of the various compounds Harold was smoking.
Then the cops kicked down the fucking door, started dragging Harold through the apartment, punched ME like 5 fucking times for no reason, and started loading Harold into a fucking Ambulance as the fire truck started spraying water straight through the fucking windows for no reason.
"What the FUCK?" one of the cops screamed at Harold. "Your fuckin' smoke is everywhere, man!"
The cops asked Harold his name, before one of them punched me in the fucking face AGAIN and yelled
"Yeah, and what's YOUR fucking name, asshole? Kumar?" he SCREAMED.
I kept trying to explain that I wasn't trying to do drugs with Harold, but the cops just sat down on the fucking couch and started watching Joker.
"What the FUCK is this?" the cops started screaming at the TV. "Pirating a FUCKIN' movie, dude? Your ass is in HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE trouble now."
I passed out.
When I woke up, I was in my own house. The cops were gone, thankfully, but it definitely hadn't been a dream, because I felt like total shit, and my leg was sore.
I tried texting Harold, and then calling him, but to no answer. The police probably hauled him off to who-knows-where. I got a text that said "LOL" after like an hour, but it was probably just from the cops.
After that, I tried looking into "The Dark Honk" to see where it could've came from (aside from Hell, obviously), but at first, all I found was some random Pinterest page trying to be edgy, which was disappointing.
About 3 hours later, though, I found an anonymous thread from someone who had worked on "The Dark Honk".
Apparently, The Walt Disney Company tried to frame Warner Bros for creating some fucked-up Toy Story parody in an attempt to damage Warner's reputation. So, in retaliation, Warner Bros. created "The Dark Honk" and attempted to frame Disney for it as revenge. Realizing the damage this would do to both companies if the information got out, WB and Disney signed an agreement to keep the films from reaching the public, but not before both the Toy Story movies AND the Dark Honk leaked online.
What followed was an excessive amount of damage control as both companies tried to claim the films were made by angry ex-employees, in an attempt to hide the truth of how fucked up Disney and Warner had really become.
Warner Bros. then decided to purposefully let the film leak online to discourage people trying to illegally download the real Joker movie, but nearly got into serious legal trouble thanks to the appearances of Ernie and Bert, which pissed off Sesame Workshop, who, for some reason, seemed to also be involved in whatever corporate fuckery was going on.
You can't trust the entertainment industry, I guess.
The moral of the story: We live in a society. Oh, and go watch Joker, or something.
Credited to Chimichangar
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