Kentucky Fried Nightmare
I am the Extra Crispy Colonel, and my extra crispy $5 fillet is now 100% meat. Ooh sorry about that little sponsorship moment there, but I would like to take this moment to mention that I am in no way getting sponsored for this. Don't worry. You know the drill; my name is Buckie O'Buck Neil. I was a famous war hero during the Olive Oil War. Fast food agent Johnathan Maguire was meant to be recounting the downfall of KFC, but he's got a bad case of ass flu which he obtained after eating a spoiled bacon double cheeseburger from Jack In The Box. The les said about that place the better I say! In any case, if you don't know I work as the official mascot and spokesperson for the Rough Riders Chicken brand. It's basically an arcade where you can eat chips and con old men out of their hard earned millions by using a broom to sweep up the rewards. Times are changing. However, as a young man, I truly wanted to be Colonel Sanders. Mainly due to the fact that Rough Riders was nothing more than a cheap cash in on KFC. Don't believe me? Well if you were to zoom in on the Rough Riders sign by 100,000,000% you would see a tiny picture of Colonel Sander's local washing machine dealer.
Rough Riders was actually founded out of jealously for KFC by a man named Jules Ferro. According to Ferro, he had helped Colonel Sanders with making the iconic gravy that KFC is so famous for. We'll talk more about that damn gravy later on in the doc. Mr Ferro claims to have grown up with Colonel Sanders and that the pair both served a six year stint at Hartman Federal Penitentiary for the illegal distribution of federal rational stamps. You see back in the 1920's, times were rough and all fast food companies had their rations at an all time low. There weren't as many fast food restaurants back then as there are now. Back then there was only like two places open in the whole United States known as Quan Too and Quan Chu. Ever been to these two places? They were closed in 1931 for killing a governor. I mean how could that be anything other than a political statement? The ration stamps were unveiled by the Federal Government in an attempt to ensure that fast food was doled out slowly and surely. When the Feds caught wind that Colonel Sander and Jules were selling stamps they were thrown in the slammer. After Jules passed away in 1968 from a mishap involving a Henry Hoover, his pet black widow spider revealed in a press conference in Acapulco that Jules had made the entire story up. and that he and Colonel Sanders had only met once at a Kentucky styled cook off in New Bordeaux. Colonel Sanders wasn't very nice and rolled his eyes when Jules went on and on about how Sander's chicken had changed his life.
Colonel Sanders created the original KFC recipes without any help from Jules Ferro, however a lot of people don't quite know the SICK origins of how the original recipes came to be. Get ready cause this is going to be quite the emotional rollercoaster. In 1930 during the mist of The Great Depression, Colonel Sanders was feeling very sad there wasn't any fast food places open in Kentucky. He wanted there to be a place where you could eat French fries and a big fat greasy burger in peace. Over the course of the 1920's, Colonel Sanders had debated again and again on opening up his own restaurant. He already had loads of recipes and he was sure they would become a hit with the locals. Only problem was Mr Sanders barely had any money so to combat this issue he decided to take out a loan from Don Ennio Salieri of the Salieri Crime Family. Yes Salieri has seriously been alive since 1930 and yet he is still alive and well despite being 58 years old at the time of his encounter with Colonel Sanders. This is because Mr Salieri is actually immortal and once accidentally bathed in the Fountain of Eternal Eternalness mistaking it for being a bath of cinnamon sinners. An easy mistake to make I'm sure. Using the money he received out of the loan from Salieri, Colonel Sanders purchased an old abandoned warehouse in Kentucky. Colonel Sanders was right. His recipes were an instant hit with the locals, and this made him a great deal of dough. Using said dough, Sanders was able to buy off the loan to Salieri. However that's when things started to get more than a little dicey.
When it became clear that Colonel Sanders was making some serious money out of his restaurant business, Salieri manipulated Sanders so that he would be able to become a major shareholder in the company. In truth, Salieri was the one who helped Sanders with founding the KFC company even being the one to give the company it's iconic name. So the next time you're eating from your bonus bucket you better be thinking of ole Ennio Salieri. Also, Salieri was very nasty as he started attaching diamonds onto the chicken legs in order to help earn him a killing on the black market or in a deal with the Jewish Mob. Wink. One time, Colonel Sanders discovered the diamonds attached to an old mouldy chicken leg, and quickly deduced that Salieri had attached diamonds to all of the chicken legs. Needing more proof, Sanders asked if Salieri wished for him to unload the chicken legs into the containment room. Salieri suddenly became very cagey as he said, "uh..... no and why the hell should ya do it?" He then laughed a mighty. Colonel Sanders laughed with him too back then, but he knew he wanted to get out from Salieri's influence, but Salieri had a lot of influence. Salieri preys on people's fears of losing what they have so they become obedient to the protection he promises them.
As the 1930's went by, Colonel Sanders began making the first steps of turning his small town restaurant into a multi million dollar empire. He started off slowly. He opened a few KFC stores across Kentucky and initially he was perfectly content with having his business just based in Kentucky. This was until Colonel Sanders' mentor from Buckinghamshire: David The Duke Dickinson suggested that Sanders make his company worldwide. "Sounds a little too simple." Colonel Sanders remarked to which David Dickinson responded with, "oh what a bobby jaguar!" Dickinson then began rubbing his chin all over Sanders' hand for an uncomfortable amount of time. Colonel Sanders knew that it would be unwise to question the man with the tan on such affairs as this, and so with some initial reluctance he started making moves towards turning his company worldwide. David The Duke Dickinson was a very stubborn man as he wanted Colonel Sanders to provide him with complete information regarding the recipes. In stark contrast to Dickinson, Colonel Sanders was a very intelligent little Easter egg and he threatened to expose Dickinson for his controversial theatre show; Pleasure For Treasure.
Pleasure For Treasure was a theatre show that was produced by David Dickinson during the late 1920's. Though the show was very successful with one show being attended by President Calvin, it only ran for one season. The aim of the show was to reunite families and couples with items they had parted with many moons ago. However it all went wrong in the finale for series one. Alfie and Wendy a couple from Salford were reunited with their long last gramophone. Alfie had given the gramophone to Frank Bowler. Alfie and Frank Bowler had co-starred in a play called Fare Play in 1915 or thereabouts. Alfie needed money at the time to buy an iron lung. He believed that iron lungs were the way of the future, and that by having one you would be able to live forever. Little did Alfie know how wrong he was. During the show, Frank made a rookie error by saying that due to the recession and the fact that gramophones were incredibly rare now, Alfie's one was now worth over 7 million dollars. He had previously only been given 2 mill by Bowler. Furious beyond belief, Alfie grabbed the gramophone from Bowler, and ran down the streets with it. This ended up costing him his own life as he was ran over by an old horse who knows all about Grand Central Station, but will his master whose a corrupt cop let him go there with his zebra homies? I think not! "Bloody hell." Dickinson remarked.
David Dickinson never liked that damn Frank Bowler despite only knowing him for like twenty minutes. Less than that really. This was made all the more clear with the utter distain that was present on Dickinson's face when he was first introduced to Bowler. Frank Bowler was a very rude man as he insulted Dickinson by slapping him on the back 37 times. He also laughed his ass off when he saw Dickinson fall down the stairs outside the courthouse in Benning. He was certainly quite the bastard that Frank Bowler. He couldn't do anything about since Bowler's brother Francis owned the company which produced Pleasure For Treasure. After Dickinson made a harsh remark about Bowler's teeth looking like rat teeth, Pleasure For Treasure was cancelled. Dickinson was forbidden to make any comments to the press, and as such the reason behind the cancelation of Pleasure For Treasure became a mystery. For who would be stupid enough to cancel Pleasure For Treasure? Could it be you? Sorry about that massive tangent, but I just really wanted to discuss Pleasure For Treasure. Colonel Sanders knew all about Dickinson sucking up to Francis like a little bitch, and threatened to expose him to the Pope. Fearing for his safety, Dickinson packed up his bags and caught the first plane back to Great Britain. Also, the plane had a massive picture of David Dickinson on it because the company were big fans of Pleasure For Treasure
When World War II broke out, Colonel Sanders was summoned to fight. Not wanting to fight, Colonel Sanders came up with a cunning plan and presented it to Prime Minister Winston Churchill who puffed on a huge cigar as he said, "well go on then show us what you got kid!" The cunning plan was to host a KFC themed play with lots of training montages and pointless musical numbers which were sweeter than Sweet Johnson's sweet tooth. The play was entitled, "Made In Kentucky." It followed the story of Colonel Sanders playing an American soldier named Lance Chance who wishes to marry the daughter of a wealthy Kentucky businessman and State Senator. To win the Senator's approval, Lance has to create the best Kentucky fried chicken the world has ever seen. Only then will he ever be able to get into the Senator's good books. There's also a totally pointless side plot in the play involving some shrimp who want to murder some penguins including one named Pepperoni who was quite the ladies man on set according to my contact over at Widdecombe and Pump. There was also another side plot which involved some dogs that wanted to win the war by putting poison in the German's chocolate bars. it was a very complicated script with lots of typos due to Colonel Sander's manager only being 11% English. Regardless of that fact, the play was a huge success and Colonel Sanders performed the play a record breaking 546 times. Churchill was so impressed that he put in arrangements with some of his boys to stop Sanders from having to fight in the war. Isn't that swell?
Made In Kentucky though incredibly successful it made very little profit. As part of the deal he made with Winston Churchill, Colonel Sanders was forced to pay all the money made from the play to charities. What a bobby jaguar! Needing to make some money and fast, Colonel Sanders decided to start adding a weird array of items to his menu. Thankfully, Sanders was much more careful with where he got his merchandise from which meant that we never had an incident like the Great Lamb Hotpot Fiasco again. However, much like Burger King, KFC was known for it's extremely weird menu items during the 40's and 50's including Beefy Bap, Kentucky Style Dodo which was really just the regular KFC chicken coloured red, and Kale Street. Kale Street is this really bitter thin piece of flat bread which has like a stack of kale on it. It was so fucking much kale that it literally went up into the ceiling. Good luck getting that home with ya. You were not permitted to take it home in a doggy bag as Colonel Sanders was worried that people might be spies and leak his recipes to the public. Kentucky Style Dodo was just the regular Kentucky chicken just painted red via red spray paint. There was also 1% more salt added to the Kentucky Style Dodo which is what makes people think that it's a completely different dish. Just don't tell Colonel Dodo will ya? Now as for the Beefy Bap.... oh man and as for the Beefy Bap well let's just see shall we?
The Beefy Bap is this really disgusting thing that was first produced in 1946 by Colonel Sanders in an attempt to attract beef lovers to KFC. It is honestly the worst thing on menu. This is because the beef was really bad. It wasn't rotten or anything like that, but it was just not right. It was however extremely slimy, and it would roll down kitchen tables creating a huge fucking mess in the process. It also didn't help that every time you bit into the damn time you would end up getting beefy beef juice everywhere. The Beefy Bap becomes even more disgusting when you learn the tragic origin behind it. Colonel Sanders having ran out of beef after just one table serving of Beefy Baps decided to ask a local farmer for some of his livestock. Most farmers turned down the offer, however one such farmer named Thomas Downes offered to give Colonel Sanders his entire cow livestock in exchange for $600. Downes used the money from Sanders to buy his own yacht as the pricing on yachts at that time was at an all time low. Downes though he appeared to be a very meek and frail man; he was actually incredibly cunning and a con artist as he often scouted the streets of Walnut Pass pretending to be a charity collector. Downes used the money that locals gave him in the form of donations in order to buy more Grinch merch as he sure did have a thing for The Grinch. I'm not really sure how Thomas Downes knew that The Grinch was given the fact that this all took place in 1946, but whatever just roll with it. Roll with the croc! That's bloody dangerous that is sonny boy!
Mr Downes had no intention of paying the debt back to Colonel Sanders. He was planning on using his newly bought yacht to sail around the world. Sadly however it was just not meant to be. Once Sanders caught wind of this development, he headed to Downes' ranch and started beating the ever living snots out of the farmer. During the beatdown, Thomas Downes coughed out eggshells which came into contact with Sanders' eye. "Ya bastard!" Sanders bellowed as he proceeded to throw Downes across the field, and laughed a wicked onion cat laugh as the smelly farmer flew all the way up to Hushaby Mountain. With Downes disposed of, Colonel Sanders evicted his entire family and took control of the ranch. Once in control of the ranch, Sanders started breeding his own livestock including cows, bulls, pigs, geese, chicken, and fish too. Wink. As it turns out Downes was not the one to worry about as it was his grass that had the real problem. Allow me to explain. Basically, Downes wanting his animals to become the biggest animals in the whole damn world started lacing his grass with crack I think or some kind of drug. This caused the animals to become super fat and lazy. This was the reason why Sanders had so much meat to use whenever Downes supplied him with a cow. The use of drug laced grass would come to haunt Colonel Sanders in the years to come. In more ways than one. So sad. Actually no nothing ever came from it due to a problem with the files or some shit. Let's make up the files!
In the 1960's and 70's, KFC started sucking as Colonel Sanders started taking a backseat in running the company. Decisions he made were no longer getting taken seriously by the company, and he had left management in the care of his old friend Marcell Toing. Marcell Toing was a really stupid rat who used to work as a lieutenant for the Morello Crime Family back in New Bordeaux. During his time in Bordeaux, Toing would eat his own marshmallows because mice are fucking monsters and that really impressed Slimer who was in bed with the Marcano's you could say during that time. Anyways, Marcell moved to Empire Bay in 1964, and by then Empire Bay had become the central headquarters for the KFC company as oppose to Kentucky. Marcell Toing was very cheap, and cut corners on everything. The biggest problem that Colonel Sanders had with Marcell's new direction was the gravy. The gravy sucked. Like it legit tasted like ass. "That damn gravy tastes like a darn swamp rat." Colonel Sander had told an interviewer in 1971. The gravy tasted so bad because Marcell and his enforcer Greg who wears a Mickey Mouse cap from Disney Land at all times stole it from the sewer. During the 1960's and 70's, gravy factories were pretty darn infamous for pouring their gone off gravy into the sewers thinking that no one would notice, but they did oh they did. Using the gone off gravy, Marcell was able to earn a killing and bought himself his own super mansion which has a room for a view and a swimming pool inside a swimming pool inside a rubber dingy inside a bowl of Jell-O. There's a grape in the centre. In fact, Colonel Sanders was so angered by the direction that Marcell Toing was taking his company that he refused to be featured in any of the company's advertising.
Under Marcell's tenure, the menu became very boring and lacklustre and it lost any real flare that it had once had. Marcell also started increasing the pricing of everything on the menu, and because this was at a time when KFC's stocks were at an all time low it meant that sometimes ole Marcell Toing and his staff would have to improvise. One time, Marcell supplied a cheese burger to a kid named Jr. However, the cheese was actually plastic. This disgusted his parents who tried their best to get their son to stop eating it however Jr simply responded with, "it just so happens that I'm quite impartial to plastic." What is wrong with that fucking rat?
However, Marcell Toing was certainly not a stupid rat as he had decided to boycott all of the weird items that Sanders had added to the menu during the 40's and 50's. Appointing Greg as his enforcer, Marcell was able to scare the entire Empire Bay Police Department (EBPD), onto his payroll. Marcell practically controlled the cops. Knowing this, Colonel Sanders attempted to get rid of Marcell by sending a really ugly cat after him. However, Marcell was very cunning and he pulled out a strawberry from his ass which he then fed to the cat. The cat then became solely loyal to Marcell and Greg as it also became a frequent diner at KFC. Marcell knew that Colonel Sanders was behind the attempted assassination, but he refused to do anything about it due to his love of crime novels. "He certainly is a character that Colonel Sanders." Toing remarked while stirring some gravy into a stirring pot. In 1980, something terrible happened which ended up rocking the entire nation. The great Colonel Sanders died.
The death was expected given the fact that Sanders had not been well for a very long time, but it still came as a shock to Marcell and the rest of his staff. After the funeral, Marcell held a meeting at KFC's official headquarters in Sand Island where he discussed closing the company for good. "I just see no point in keeping the company running with the Colonel dead. I mean with Sandy gone, who else is going to be our mascot?" Marcell inquired to which Greg simply responded with, "precisely!" That's when one of Marcell's staff members offered a solution. He then proceeded to have Marcell and Greg knocked out by some tear gas which he had managed to leak through the air vents. "I really need to fix that damn AC." Marcell said tiredly as Greg responded once again with, "precisely!" After this, the pair both fell into a deep slumber. When they awoke, Greg and Marcell found themselves inside a large recording studio which had been decorated to look like a big ole block of cheese. At that moment, an an announcer could be heard saying over the intercom; "the TV the TV is on. The TV The TV is on."
Suddenly, Rap Rat appeared from a small hatch which had been placed inside the recording studio. "Rap Rat?" Marcell asked confused. "I'm history in the making, I'm the talk of the town." Rap Rat explained as he climbed through the hatch along with several incredibly awkward looking BBC extras. They all began dancing to an incredibly cringy rap which was so fricking bad like seriously I won't bother assaulting your eyelids or eardrums by relaying it to you. Though Marcell and Greg appeared to have enjoyed Rap Rat's little musical number, they would honestly fight to give it a star on Yelp. "What's going on here Rap Rat?" Greg inquired as Rap Rat responded with, "I got me a little session. So let's get... so let's get cheesy!" It's also worth noting that while saying that, Rap Rat got extra close to Greg's face. Rap Rat X Greg? Now that's the love story I want to see. Get on that Mr Tomasino. Sorry about that, in any case, Rap Rat gave Marcell and Greg a chicken that had no bones. No that was a joke son. What actually happened is that Rap Rat brought Marcell and Greg out of the recording studio, and into the old rundown ruins of Cortex Power which was where the dreaded rat had made the base of his operations. Once inside the lab, Rap Rat made a large black cauldron appear magically. He turned to face Marcell and said, "say cheese!" "Cheese..." Marcell said awkwardly as Rap Rat began sticking his huge scissor like ears into the cauldron.
Eventually, the cauldron started shooting out some disgusting smelly green flames which stank so bad. It smelt like that time the smelly beaver did the Chilly Charlie cha cha in front of a cynical Canadian news station who have ties to the Colombians. I heard they got a shipment coming in on Friday. Cue the sinister music. Using his monster rat feet, Rap Rat kicked the cauldron onto the woodened floor of the lab as something or rather someone began to climb out of it. Thinking quickly, Greg reached inside his Mickey Mouse hat and pulled out a shotgun which got knocked out of his hands by Rap Rat who screamed, "wait you turn!" "He's Rap Rat and he's the sauce." A man could be heard saying in the background in an overly serious tone. Marcell was tempted to make a break for the fire exit when the creature that Rap Rat had created finally made itself known to him and Greg. It was Colonel Sanders. Well rather it was a series of Colonel Sanders clones. Marcell Toing rubbed his chin for a good half hour. He then realised that the true reason KFC was falling in popularity in recent years was not because of the OG Colonel Sanders dying, no it was really because the company had no mascot and no advertising campaign to speak of. KFC needed a gimmick that would enable them to stand a chance against their rivals most especially McDonalds and Burger King.
Rap Rat then went on to explain that Colonel Sanders' local washing machine dealer was responsible for his creation. The dealer worked for A Couple 'A Cowboys for a brief time during the 1980's around the time that Rap Rat was created. During the creation of the Rap Rat puppet, the dealer ended up coughing out washing up liquid into the puppet's stuffing which is what allowed for Rap Rat to become the sentient and insane stone cold killer we all know today. Looking to repay Sanders, Rap Rat broke into the moratory and stole Sanders' body. Taking Sanders' body back to Cortex Power, Rap Rat cut off one of Sanders' fingers, and then had him delivered back to the morgue. Placing the finger into the black cauldron, Rap Rat was able to combine it with a series of tubes which somehow meant that he was able to create the Colonel Sanders clone army. Well it wasn't really much of an army, but it was still an army nevertheless. Rap Rat didn't demand payment for his services, but he did request for Marcell to wet his beak every once and awhile, and Marcell Toing was more than happy to oblige.
Despite Colonel Sanders' will clearly stating his face was to not be used in any of the company's advertising, Marcell and Greg continued to plaster Sanders' face on every KFC store in the world. By this time, KFC had become a multi million dollar empire, and there were several KFC restaurants located all around the place. Marcell and Greg became media sensations, and very rich and powerful mice. In 1981, Marcell bought a casino in Kentucky, and two years later, he opened up another casino. Marcell's goal was to turn Kentucky into Las Vegas Part II. By the time the 2000's had rolled around, the Colonel Sanders clones had appeared in over 9001 adverts. However, there was of course problems when it came to using these clones. For example during the filming of one such advert, the stage lights on set were so damn hot that it caused the Colonel Sanders clone's skin to melt off like a slice of cheesy pizza. They were extremely reckless clones as they had walked straight into on coming traffic, and Marcell made his way through the entire clone army in a span of just two years. Marcell tried making adverts without the clones however this created a big controversy when the people in the adverts ate with their mouths open as they were being force fed by Freddy Krueger. "Bon appetite!" Freddy proclaimed as he stuffed some chicken salad into the mouths of BBC extras. So sad. Controversies aside, this is when Marcell met the most important Colonel Sanders clone to have ever been conceived. The Extra Crispy Colonel.
The Extra Crispy Colonel was the very last Colonel Sanders clone to exist as all the others had been wiped out. Although, he appeared to just be Colonel Sanders with an extreme suntan. There was just something about The Extra Crispy Colonel that Marcell Toing opted to make him the new star of KFC's advertising campaign. The Extra Crispy Colonel added a lot to his own character even creating his own catchphrase which was; "I am The Extra Crispy Colonel." Wow how original. The Extra Crispy Colonel and the adverts featuring him very quickly became the subject of controversy. One time, an ad featuring Extra Crispy was accidentally shown on a local news station. It couldn't have been shown at a worse time considering a man was being interviewed at that exact moment about his thoughts on Donald Trump's Xbox collection or some shit. The news station intended to showcase a video of Donald Trump showing off his Xbox games, but instead the entire station was treated to a video which had Extra Crispy Colonel sitting on a sun lounger. He looked at the camera with an incredibly smug expression before introducing himself with, "I am The Extra Crispy Colonel and my extra crispy 5$ fillet is now only 99 cents. You can afford that for God's sake!" The new station managed to cut the ad off, but the man being interviewed nearly let out a laugh but he had to hold it in as the news station was known for sending hitmen after people who dared smile on their show. The sick bastards! No one wants to go on that news show!
The Extra Crispy Colonel was not without his own defects as in one such advert he was shown shoving a bargain bucket into his ear. In another advert, he was shown feeding people who had buried him in the sandy sand of Sand City. The Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham were very offended by The Extra Crispy Colonel because of course they fucking were. I mean it's kind of in their job description to get offended by things. Marcell and Greg were eventually taken to the court with the Knights. During the court case, the Knights broke out into a large musical number which was led by Lady Birkshire. "We want the rappers set the rappers free Crispy is guilty crucify him." I should also mention that during the song, the conductor pulled an incredibly smelly face which made it look as though he had shat in his pants or in the very least let out a massive fart. I just hope nobody noticed. I think Lady Birkshire noticed as she started smiling an incredibly smug grin. Too smug for my liking anyway! The song inspired Marcell and Greg to kill The Extra Crispy Colonel. The pair tracked Crispy down to an old abandoned oil yard where he was attempting to dig up some Kellogg's Golden Nuggets. Greg leaped on top of Crispy, and started beating the snot out of him. Very near death, Crispy coughed out two chicken wings into Marcell's face as he asked rhetorically, "what now ratty what now?" "Have it your way ya prick." Marcell said evilly as he and Greg set to work on killing Crispy.
They crucified Crispy on a cross in the town square, and then proceeded to light the cross on fire. The death of The Extra Crispy Colonel had sent shockwaves throughout the nation. Commissioner Al Priss was asked about who he thought committed the murder by Overly British News Reporter 1107. "It's those gosh darn rats Marcell Toing and Greg something or other. They need to be rounded up and shot!" Al Priss yelled at the very top of the lungs. However, Al Priss was a notoriously corrupt cop and was only saying that so that the press wouldn't catch onto the fact that he was actually on Marcell Toing's payroll and for big money too. Al Priss was a regular patron at KFC, and thanks to his senior status in the police department he was able to earn large cash bribes and freebies from Marcell just as long as he kept his mouth shut about the recipes. Now even though Al Priss posed no threat against the KFC company, another Kentucky fried chicken themed restaurant in the area posed the real threat.
The rival restaurant was named, "Well You're Hardly Going To Eat Here Anyway So Maybe Eat At Joe's Actually Don't Do That Because That Would Be Going Against Our Moral Code Kind Of Like The Time You Ate Pineapples In Front Of Dorchester Hound Remember That We Do." That might just be the shortest name for a restaurant that I have ever seen in my life. The rival restaurant conspired with the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham to close KFC down. The rival restaurant's owners all went out to their local KFC, and decided to scare all the patrons of the restaurant into thinking they had a rat problem, that Marcell didn't want to do anything about it. To do this, the rival restaurant rats started having a large drugged out frenzy or some kind or orgy in the middle of the restaurant. It was truly a sight to see, and they kept making weird moaning noises which was enough to evict the entire restaurant in five seconds flat. This was much easier than the rival rats' original plan which was to simply ask Marcell Toing and his staff for the recipes. This was much easier.
The presence of rats in the restaurant completely destroyed KFC's reputation for a few years and as a result, Marcell and Greg fled the country after giving a tip off to Al Priss which allowed for him to arrest the rival rats. He sent the rival rats to a laboratory where they were experimented on for the rest of their days. Isn't that wacky? In any case, Marcell and Greg fled to Rio De Janeiro where they opened up another restaurant entitled, "Ratatoing," and this restaurant was even more successful than KFC could have ever hoped of being. Sadly Marcell has now lost any moral code as he has began stealing food from the kitchen of the human restaurant located next door. Marcell and Greg completely took control of Rio's food market, and they were planning to next take over the world. Will the bad guys let them do it? I don't know probably.
Also, Marcell and Greg before they left KFC in the hands of their part-time lover Mr Broccoli, they tried a last ditch attempt to make KFC great again by adding a KFC flavoured sunscreen. The way the sunscreen worked is that it would make your skin as dark and as crispy as the Extra Crispy Colonel. Sadly, Marcell and Greg failed to test the bloody thing as it ended up causing people's skins to melt off. We were never able to deduce quite what made the sunscreen so deadly, but it did contain at least 7 doses of heroin which had been supplied to Marcel by Winston Chu a Red Pole in the Sun On Yee Triad. "You know what happens to rats Marcell?" Winston had asked Marcell one day as they had lunch at Winston's Mother's restaurant. "Uh..." Marcell said awkwardly as Winston proclaimed, "they have a pillow fight!" And so, Marcell and Winston engaged in a violent pillow fight. Two members of Winston's gang were killed in the pillow fight, and loads of customers were injured. Some story. Some Chu.
Anyways, with Marcell Toing and Greg departing, the company was taken over by vegetable philanthropist Mr Broccoli. Mr Broccoli has always been a piece of broccoli and he claims his mother was a roast potato and that his father Saint Foot was also a broccoli. Mr Broccoli was an old friend of The Easily Offended Knights, and on their persuasions he started adding a series of more healthy items to the menu including a salad. However, problems began arising because Mr Broccoli would lose his shit whenever he saw people eating salads. He lost his cool because he claimed the lettuce leaves were his children. Mr Broccoli also loved protesting against the British Government, and often held big protests in the middle of a Mafia controlled Deli. The Mafia tipped off the cops, and Mr Broccoli was given life behind bars. Well he would have done however he was able to escape prison by letting the prison warden Terrence Stone take a bite out of his delicious broccoli head. It is worth noting in that sense that Mr Broccoli though he despised other people doing it he was known for eating broccoli by the packet as he was secretly a cannibal. He required low ranking street enforcers to steal packets of broccoli from Tesco and Asda for him. After leaving prison, Mr Broccoli returned to running KFC. Mr Broccoli converted all the KFC's in the world into BFC which stands for Broccoli Fried Chicken.
Mr Broccoli and his wife who has no toenails turned KFC into a healthy hangout for their vegetable friends. If wanted to buy some food from there; you were forced to run on a treadmill and then carry your food along a path of boiling hot coal. Can you handle that? Well that's good because neither can I. Mr Broccoli was known for being a very cynical piece of broccoli. Bet you didn't know that broccoli could be cynical did you reader? Well it can! Mr Broccoli often insulted Larry The Lobster for his love of protein shakes. Larry lost his shit and tried to attack Broccoli who responded by punching Larry right in the gut. Larry gagged in pain, but recovered quickly and thought nothing of it even thanking Broccoli for given him such a good fisting. Wink. Sadly, the owner of the local gym refused to allow Larry to continue adding the gym. The owner did not want people thinking that the people at his gym could get beaten up by pieces of broccoli. He was just a little too respectful. However, this move ended up biting that gym owner in the ass as Larry went on to found his own gym ably named Larry's Gym which is based in Bikini Bottom. Mr Broccoli meanwhile was delighted when he heard that Larry had skipped town, and went back to running his business like normal until it all went pear shaped.
On May 25th 2018, KFC was raided by the NYPD after they received a tip off from a mouse with a severe nose injury. The NYPD headed inside the restaurant's backroom, and discovered what appeared to be an opium den. I knew there was a reason I was addicted to that bonus bucket. Mm what? Yes, Mr Broccoli despite warning his employees against it was actually dealing in opium. This was also supplied to him by Winston Chu. Broccoli helped Winston with gaining a steady market in New York City's drug trade, and as thanks Winston would provide security for any KFC store in the world. Despite raiding the KFC, the NYPD were unable to find Mr Broccoli due to him faking his own death and leaving a mushed up piece of broccoli on the kitchen counter. That same day, the NYPD put out an official police statement that Mr Broccoli had boiled himself to death. In reality, Mr Broccoli moved to Great Britain. The NYPD decided to not pursue Broccoli despite receiving tip offs about his survival. I keep an active file which held all the answers to Mr Broccoli. However, the file ended up getting stolen by a pigeon who may or may not be in the bed with the Molinari's. How will we know?
After Mr Broccoli vanished, Daddy Derek took control of KFC and he was no better than Broccoli. He was very weird as he kept pestering people to come into his restaurant in order to eat his heathy produce. Daddy Derek also provided some entertainment for the patrons by practising with nunchuks in the backyard of every KFC restaurant. Every KFC has an Elm Street and every KFC has a backyard. Daddy Derek also had a son named Cool Cat who was a giant humanoid cat thing which sings and dances much to the chagrin of all of Derek's customers. Cool Cat was usually very docile, but when he got mad he'd let you now about it. One time, Erik Estrada was eating from the held back reserves of Daddy Derek's kitchen unit. Upon catching Estrada doing that, Cool Cat cried, "oh no what should I do?" He then decided to have a right go at Erik and yelled at him for a good half hour. "DARE HE IS!" Erik proclaimed while pointing at Cool Cat. He did this because Daddy Derek had gotten him hammered on spoiled milk at a BBQ a few hours prior. This was actually just a test that Daddy Derek had created in order to see if Cool Cat truly had the skills to pay the bills.
Daddy Derek having grown up in California for his entire time had a lot of connections to actors and celebrities down that way. He hired 'well known actors' who were really just dodgy BBC extras. He also attempted to get Will Smith to appear at his restaurant around the time that the live action Aladdin hit theatres, however he was unable to get into contact with Smith but he managed to reach Smith's agent who simply told Derek that they were very happy, and that's just beautiful. It's also worth noting before we cap off that Derek is a massive stoner, and he smokes so much fucking weed that it sometimes fills up the entire restaurant in obnoxious gas which smells so bad you can smell it from as far North as Frisco. North by North Frisco am I right? Daddy Derek gets very stressed when it comes to running his company, and so every Tuesday night he runs out into the desert to fire some machine guns. Now in all fairness, Derek was not completely heartless as he tried his best to make some vast improvements to the KFC company by attempting to add some entertainment to the company which included a really shitty ventriloquist whose parrot puppet contains the soul of Albert Einstein, a magician who murders a parakeet by stuffing it into a top hat, and a cruise ship comedian who attempts to entertain Derek's customers by proclaiming, "hey sailor!" The cruise ship then proceeded to bust into a groovy dance number, and what makes matters worse is the fact that Daddy Derek would join in with the dancing. That's just sick! These days, people have come to known KFC as the home of Daddy Derek and Cool Cat.
The only time that Daddy Derek ever really got a really famous celebrity to perform at KFC was when he hired famous race car driver: Guy Gagne. Sadly, Gagne was no longer held in very high regard by the public after he lost a race to a snail. "I lost to a snail!" Guy Gagne ranted as he downed a bottle of scotch while Daddy Derek danced with Cool Cat on the stage which they had built on the very top floor of KFC. Guy Gagne joined in with the dancing by hopping on the tables and dancing to Queen. Hard to imagine isn't it?
Now believe it or not there is a reason I wanted to talk about KFC. I lied at the beginning of this masterpiece when I said that Johnathan Maguire had gotten ass flu, what really happened is that I threw a goose into Maguire's basement. Mr Maguire is very scared of geese, and the goose ended up chasing him around his entire basement which gave me Buckie O' Buck Neil the opportunity to steal his notes on KFC. KFC deserves to be talked about, and while it certainly didn't have quite as bad as a downfall as Burger King and Jack In The Box. There's still something there you should think about the next time you head into your local KFC. KFC killed my grandma's shoe shiner after he ate a Beefy Bap. KFC covered up the death very quickly by giving my grandma a 600,000 year old gemstone, but nothing will ever absolve them of their crimes. So if you excuse me readers it's time for din dins. I think I'm going to go help myself to a bonus bucket or maybe just maybe a nice little corn on the cob. Ooh yeah wouldn't that be something?
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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