Krusty Killers (SpongeBob Lost Episode)
Hello there my little pigeon! I got a little story to tell you all today. So please listen closely because I shall tell this only once. Three years ago, I came across a lost episode of SpongeBob SquarePants which was so disturbing it led to the firing of my co-worker, and me replacing him as head chef. I guess I should explain some things.
I work as a lunch lady at Hartley Dale High School, and have worked there since the 1960's. Yes I'm incredibly old and smelly but cut me some slack will you? I could really do with some slack on toast right now. Anyways, now working as a lunch lady is hard work ya know? You think that being a teacher is hard? Oh boy you ain't see nothing yet! I've had countless stories over the years involving my experiences working as a lunch lady. You get belittled constantly by the rest of the staff, and also none of the students treat with you any respect. I also don't have any toes due to the fact that I have been a smoking addict since the age of three. As you might expect; having no toes hasn't exactly won me any popularity contests.
Hartley Dale High School is rotten to it's core with the amount of bullies and corrupt sons of b*tches. Magra who inhabit it's walls. Even the teachers are corrupt and taking bribes from local street gangs. Headteacher Greg Blakeman tries his best to improve any problems the school has, but is clearly unable to combat every single one of them. Now that's just asking too much of old Greg that is my little pigeon! Now because of the bully problem at Hartley Dale, I am frequently mugged and threatened by the student body.
One day, I was just finishing up cooking some beans on toast when all of the sudden these really annoying students came into the kitchen and asked, "hey where's our beans? Where's our beans?" They were so fucking annoying. They then proceeded to have me beaten to a pulp by their enforcer. While I was getting beaten up, the annoying students helped themselves to the good food fridge. Yes you see: to keep with the current sociological mandates we have to store the really good food in one fridge and the bad food in another.
I also don't get on very well with the rest of the staff, but most especially: Francis Bakewell. Francis Bakewell is the head chef at Hartley Dale High School, and has some serious anger problems. He hates my guts, and is constantly trying to get me fired by Greg Blakeman. Bakewell doesn't like the fact that sometimes I take leftover food home with me. He has been trying his absolute best to try and catch me in the act. He never succeeds in doing so however. I was annoyed because despite being at the school since the 60's, I was still eclipsed in power by Bakewell. Oh that fat salmon sandwich I certainly hope someone gives him indigestion!
Francis Bakewell is also corrupt, and is in the pocket of several gangs operating in the area. Sadly, Greg Blakeman refuses to listen to my plight as he is more worried about an impending visit from the inspectors. I certainly hoped it wasn't Inspector Gadget! Oh I'm hilarious aren't I my little pigeon? Oh don't even try and deny it. I can see you trying to hold back that laugh. Heck your face is even beginning to turn yellow like some kind of Simpson.
Ahem! Now another one of my enemies at the school was none other than the cleaner. The cleaner has no name, or at least I've never heard him be called by it. The cleaner was an extremely creepy man who had a real thing for things that weren't clean enough for his liking. One time, I was trying to do a cross word puzzle when the cleaner appeared behind me saying, "dirty!" "Who the heck are you!?" I cried in despair as the cleaner responded with, "I'll tell you who I am. I'm the cleaner!" I tried my best to go back to doing my cross word only for the cleaner to get right up in my face as he said, "oh dear what are we going to do with you?"
Moving on from Bakewell and the cleaner; allow me to explain some really boring things about my current situation. Even though I'm pretty sure you don't care about any of that do you my little pigeon? I live in a super mansion a couple clicks down the road from the high school. I own 25 cats as pets, and as such often have loads in fur in my clothes when I go to work. My cats make my life quite miserable, but I don't have the heart to get rid of them cause after all they do have a lot of friends in politics. Oh how quaint.
Now as I said in the very start of this tale; if you were paying attention, I recently came to view a lost episode of the hit animated children's show SpongeBob SquarePants. Even after handing the episode into the police, I must admit I'm still 100% baffled as to how this episode came to be. Now this story isn't just about a lost episode of SpongeBob. No it's also all about how Francis Bakewell got fired, and now I replaced him as head chef. Buckle up duckies cause this story is about to get heated like a radiator!
It all started on a chilly afternoon in 2017, I don't remember the exact date. I mean how could I? That's just asking too much of me that is my little pigeon! Anyways, I had just got done serving tables, and lunch time was about five minutes away from ending. I made my way inside the kitchen to look to see if Bakewell was around. Thankfully he wasn't. So, I began stuffing some sesame seed buns into my handbag. I was only to be hosting a huge BBQ party when I got home. However, while loading the buns into my handbag, I noticed that Francis Bakewell had left his laptop in the kitchen. The laptop was playing a horrid instrumental of the SpongeBob theme song. It sounded so bad! I nearly vomited. Not because of the music, but because I had gotten food poisoning from a really bad ham shalab I had gotten from the store across the road.
I put my handbag down onto the floor, and waddled over to the laptop which sat by the microwave. I lifted the screen up so I could get a better look at it. As I expected; it was the opening main menu of some random SpongeBob SquarePants DVD. That's when the bell went, and the entire cafeteria emptied out as the students and teachers hurried onto their next lesson. I meanwhile grabbed myself a chair from the far side of the kitchen, and then brought it over to the kitchen side so I could watch some SpongeBob. I may be an old crone but I sure do love me some Spongey. I mean who doesn't really?
The main menu aside from the horrible instrumental was nothing special really. It was just a generic picture of Mr Krabs being yelled at by some angry residents of Bikini Bottom. There were two options. One read, "play episode," while the other read, "the care and feeding of a Grinch." I decided against my upmost wisdom to click on it. Oh man I should not have done that!
A brief clip came on screen which showed Max the dog telling me the story of the Grinch. "The care and feeding of a Grinch." Max said as he began telling the story. So I was then forced to sit through Max's re-telling of How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Then he got high or something. I don't even know if I can explain what happened to be perfectly honest with you. And with that, the clip ended as the main menu came back on screen.
After all that nonsense, I decided that I would finally watch the episode. You had better believe I clicked on play! The episode started with the theme song which was normal. That's when the title card came on screen and it read, "Krusty Killers." That doesn't sound like any SpongeBob episode I've ever seen. Then again like most people, I stopped watching the show after the first movie came out so it was probably a newer episode. The music that played in the background was; "This Grill Is Not A Home," only it was in slow motion and sounded nasty.
The episode then started at the Krusty Krab, Mr Krabs was sitting in his office sniffing some money when he heard a noise coming from outside his office. Mr Krabs left the office, and saw that two police officers had entered the restaurant. "Can I help you two officers?" Mr Krabs asked nervously. Only Mr Krabs didn't sound anything like Mr Krabs. No his voice sounded like it had been dubbed in by a Welsh farmer who has a chimp sidekick named Sebastian Cole.
Sorry for that massive tangent, the officers then proceeded to ask Mr Krabs if they could have a word with him in his office. Mr Krabs after a moment of hesitation allowed for the officers to follow him into his office. In the office, Mr Krabs sat down at his desk while the two officers sat on the chairs across from him. One of the officers pulled out a small black notepad and said, "you know why we've come here Eugene" "Nope can't say I do." Mr Krabs said as he began sweating violently. "Oh yes you do!" The officer proclaimed as he began writing in his notepad. "Oh screw this!" Mr Krabs yelled at the top of his lungs. He then proceeded to pull out a large flamethrower. He set fire to the two officers killing them both instantly.
After disposing of the two officers, Mr Krabs then proceeded to pull off his eye sockets, and began using them a skipping rope. He skipped his way out of the office, and out of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob ran after Mr Krabs and asked, "hey what's going on Mr K?" "Ahoy me bucko!" Mr Krabs proclaimed happily as he skipped all the way towards his house. SpongeBob headed back inside the restaurant, and upon seeing the burnt dead officers made a urgent call to the Bikini Bottom Police Department.
Arriving at his house, Mr Krabs realised that he didn't have the key to get in. He then heard loud siren noises, and turned around to see a huge group of police officers waiting to apprehend him. They were led by Commissioner Al Priss. "Throw him in the car." Al Priss said as the officers threw Mr Krabs into one of the cop cars. Al Priss turned to face the officers and said, "we're taking him downtown, and tomorrow morning, he'll stand trial." Mr Krabs tried his best to break out of the car window but it was no use. Mr Krabs was then taken to the Bikini Bottom Police Station, and was in for a rough night.
The screen then cut to show an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Courthouse. Mr Krabs was standing trial with SpongeBob serving as his lawyer. Judge Claude Frollo slammed his gavel down as the court came into session. "Mr Eugene Krabs." Frollo said before continuing with, "you have been found guilty of using crab meat in your world famous Krabby Patties. You have decided not to appeal." Mr Krabs sighed heavily and then said, "no your honour because the rumours are not rumours. They be true." "What!?" The entire court including SpongeBob cried in unison. "Allow me to explain." Mr Krabs said as he made his way towards the witness stand. Arriving at the witness stand, Mr Krabs began to tell his story.
A time card came on screen which read, "60 years earlier." Mr Krabs was shown sitting in his bed chamber. He was feeling very depressed having just come home from the war. He then decided to take his beloved pet worm Mr Doodles for a walk. While walking, Mr Krabs talked to Mr Doodle about how he desired to one day open his own restaurant. Just as they were about to turn back home, Mr Krabs saw that the local retirement home The Rusty Krab had put up a "For Sale" sign. According to a local that Mr Krabs asked, the retirement home was closed due to bankruptcy and that the owners were looking to sell it to anyone who could afford it.
Mr Krabs was able to negotiate a sweet deal on the retirement home by giving the owners a small loan of a million cod livers. With the owners bought off, Mr Krabs converted the home into a restaurant and gave it the new name 'The Krusty Krab.' Sadly, problems quickly began to arise when Mr Krabs ran out of the ingredients needed to make his acclaimed Krabby Patties. Unable to make the Krabby Patties, Mr Krabs was ready to close up shop until thankfully a solution was offered up by the local mob boss Danny DeMito. DeMito was a fellow crab who controlled Bikini Bottom's drug trade.
Danny DeMito held a meeting with Mr Krabs at his office one day. DeMito asked, "you know something Mr Krabs.... why don't you try and put a little bit of crab into your Krabby Patties?" "I love money!" Mr Krabs cried happily as he once again began using his eyes as skipping rope. "Follow me my little son of wood." DeMito said as he and Mr Krabs made their way out of the Krusty Krab, and towards the local crab farm ran by none other than Farmer Francis. Oh Farmer Francis that sweet poor dishwasher tablet.
Suddenly, the episode cut to show a brief clip which had a bunch of really bizarre looking toys singing to the screen. "Shame on you young Pinocchio not allowed to mock your Daddio." They sang as the screen then froze and then cut to another clip. This clip had some bishops hanging out in a nightclub. "Oh Fido please!" One of the bishops cried as his fellow bishops began to play on the drums. At that moment, I could hear the bell for the final lesson going off but I decided to ignore it. I must admit however I was kind of baffled as to where Francis Bakewell. He usually stayed at the school for the entire day. So I must ask: where was Francis Bakewell?
Anyways, the episode then came back to normal and showed Mr Krabs and DeMito arriving at Farmer Francis' farm. "We'd like to buy a crab." DeMito said as he handed a huge bag of fake dollar bills over to Farmer Francis. "I'll give you twenty!" Farmer Francis proclaimed happily as he began farting violently. "I think I'm gonna be sick!" Mr Krabs cried as his face began to turn green. DeMito headed inside the farmhouse, and then came back carrying a cat carrier which contained 20 crabs. Mr Krabs and DeMito thanked Francis for his help, and then proceeded to make their way back to the Krusty Krab.
At the Krusty Krab, Danny DeMito headed inside the kitchen with the cat carrier. He poured a huge pot of boiling hot water, and then proceeded to throw the crabs into it. "What the heck are you doing!?" Mr Krabs cried at the top of his lungs. "This is the true secret Mr K." DeMito said before continuing with, "the key to our success." "Ours? Who said anything about ours?" Mr Krabs asked rhetorically before proceeding to kick DeMito into the pot. "Oh my it's pretty darn warm!" DeMito cried as Mr Krabs put a large lid on top of the pot in order to drown out DeMito as he screamed and screamed and screamed some more for Krabs to get him some custard creams and some PG Tips.
The screen then cut to show Mr Krabs removing the lid from the pot, and having a small taste test. "Hey this is pretty darn amazing!" Krabs proclaimed happily as he placed the crab meat onto the Patty buns. He then began selling the Krabby Patties onto customers, and told them that they were part of the new and improved Krabby Pattie formula. The new and improved Krabby Patties were quickly with international critical acclaim, and Mr Krabs became one of the richest and most powerful residents of Bikini Bottom.
Mr Krabs was able to establish a good friendship with Farmer Francis who became Krabs' partner in the trade. Twice a week sometimes more depending on the direction of the Sun, Francis would send a boat full of crabs up to the Krusty Krabs. In return, Mr Krabs would send up a boat containing bags upon bags of fake dollar bills. Francis was saving the fake money up in order to buy a house made entirely out from solid gold. Isn't that swell? It's sweller than Swell Meller. We all know who that is don't we dear? However, problems soon began to arise when Mr Krabs became too greedy for his own good. He began taking business trips out of Bikini Bottom, and began kidnapping crabs from other towns and cities including Shell City. Oh Shell City the smell of shells and honey nut cheerio's.
One time, Mr Krabs and SpongeBob attended the cheapest crab convention with Krabs having won the contest after stealing his entire hotel room. The other crabs looked on in amazement and said, "that is the cheapest display we have ever seen!" After leaving the hotel, Mr Krabs had SpongeBob go home first as he had a party to attend with the other cheapest crab convention attendants. At the party, Krabs had his fellow crabs killed and made them into Krabby Patties which he then went on to tell at the Krusty Krab.
In order to stop SpongeBob and Squidward from finding out the truth; Mr Krabs created a fake secret Krabby Patty formula which he then gave to the pair. The pair were successfully fooled into thinking it was the real formula. Mr Krabs was able to keep up with this cannibal formula for another 60 years until Plankton finally caught wind of it.
You see: one day after yet another failed attempt at getting the Krabby Patty formula, Plankton headed up to the window which looked into Mr Krabs' office. Inside the office, Mr Krabs was shown butchering a fellow crab to death with a butcher knife. "Well that's a funny way to say I do!" I yelled at the very top of my lungs as I shoved a massive slice of cheesy and rather smelly pasta into my mouth. Anyways, Plankton then proceeded to ring up the police which explains their appearance at the Krusty Krab at the start of the episode.
The episode then came back to the court room, and showed that Mr Krabs had just finished telling his story. "Mr Krabs." Judge Claude Frollo began as he then continued with, "because of your crimes against the people of this good town and several other good towns I'm having put you in the electric chair." However, just as Judge Frollo went to slam his gavel down he was shot in the head by Mr Krabs who proclaimed, "not today!" Mr Krabs then proceeded to kill the entire courthouse using a machine gun which he had gotten from Pearl many Christmas mornings ago.
Mr Krabs then proceeded to make his way out onto the streets where he continued to massacre the entirety of Bikini Bottom. He would have continued had it not been for a nuke being dropped onto the town killing Mr Krabs and everyone else including SpongeBob. General Asquith came on screen and said, "what? Did you expect maybe the Easter bunny?" And with that, the episode ended with weird credits. The credits had Crash Bandicoot dancing with Disco Stu from The Simpsons while really weird 1970's music played in the background. It sounded like a song that would have been made by the Bee Gees or something.
Before I could even register a reaction to the episode, I was rudely pulled out of my chair by Francis Bakewell who screamed, "what do you think ya doing!? Do your damn job you old crone!" "Oh I don't think so Francie." I said as I then continued with, "Mr Blakeman will want to see this." "Oh go ahead tell like he'll believe you." Francis barked in his sickly wrong voice as he poured himself a cup of tea from the vending machine. "Prick." I muttered under my breath as I gave Bakewell the middle finger. Before he could say anything, I had already made my way out of the kitchen and towards Greg Blakeman's office.
Arriving at the office, I knocked on the door 69 times before Blakeman finally showed up to answer it. "Oh what do you want can't you see that I'm busy?" Blakeman asked as he was busy trying to play a heated game of scrabble with his pet goat. That pet goat is Greg's only friend in the world. How unbelievably PG Tips if I may say myself. I then proceeded to explain the events of the lost episode to Blakeman who didn't believe a word of it. "A lost episode ya say? Oh what a load of pugwash! Get back to work before I have you sent to Timbuktu." Blakeman laughed a mighty sailor's chuckle as I asked, "well why don't you come and see for yourself?"
So, Blakeman followed me back to the kitchen where we saw that Francis Bakewell was packing up his suitcase. "Oh my where you off to Francis? Off on a little summer haul are we?" Blakeman asked. "It's only March you fat fuck." Francis said bluntly as he then continued with, "so you want to see this lost episode then?" Bakewell pulled his laptop out from one of the suitcases, and placed back onto the counter. He then proceeded to click on the play button, and Blakeman sat there in utter horror and disgust as I was once again subjected to watching the horribly horrible episode. Did I mention that it was horrible?
After viewing the episode, Greg Blakeman announced that Francis Bakewell would be fired immediately and that I would replace him as head chef. "Fire me? My boss'll stick a firecracker up your ass!" Bakewell responded as he spat right in Blakeman's eye before making his leave through the fire exit never to be seen again. Last I heard, Bakewell went on the run to Paris where he got a job running guns for a local resistance group. This was until the group were defeated, and disgraced, Bakewell got himself a job at Gusteau's. From what I've heard from Bakewell's co-workers and locals, he doesn't talk anymore and has developed a love for romantic comedies. I always knew there was something fishy about Bakewell. One day, I'll write a book about him, and I'll call it: "There's Something About Bakewell."
With Bakewell gone, I replaced him as head chef, but I still don't get any respect from students and my fellow staff. I'm still treated like scum by everyone in the damn school. Also, Blakeman has recently mysteriously vanished and has been replaced by deputy headteacher Dr Crabblesnitch. Crabblesnitch is a proper bastard if you don't mind me saying. Well I don't care if you do or don't honestly. Anyways, Crabblesnitch knows nothing about running a school. Whereas, Greg Blakeman was a true leader. Though he was an asshole, he had a heart made of pickled onions. Believe me I uh asked his doctor.
Now in regards to my feelings towards that SpongeBob episode, I don't really know what to make of it quite honestly. It was good but kind of smelly and rancid at the same time. It felt more like a joke that would have been made by the animators for a Christmas party or something. Also, in regards as to where the episode is now. I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T! Last I heard, Blakeman gave the episode over to the police. The episode is currently in the hands of former Assistant Commissioner Rabe Maniels. So at least I know it's in safe hands don't I my little pigeon? Wink.
Oh my duckies! I better be going for it's time for me bingo at the local bingo hall up in Walnut Pass. I hope to see you around. Oh and there goes the door bell. I think that Old Lady Windago is awaiting for my arrival. So just remember please always eat with your mouth closed. It's just good manners. Also, always be nice to dinner ladies, because they might just have the ingredients to ruin your life. I ruined Bakewell's life and I may ruin yours by giving you an incredibly smelly milkshake before you take the biggest exam of your life. The exam which will decide your future. The exam that all true heroes strive for. Yes that's what I can do. Bye my little pigeon. I hope to see you around.
Originally on Geoshea's Lost Episodes Wiki
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