LA Noire Cursed Copy

This is the story of how I died. I bet that got your attention didn't it you cheeky reader? Well this story all began on a warms summers evening in my flat in the Hammersmith District of London. I had just gotten done beating up old ladies at my small corner store when all of the sudden there was a knock at my door, and I got up to go and see who it was.

It was the gas man! "Oh lord not you!" I cried in despair. "Oh ello sexy I was just wondering if I could read your meter." The gas man said to which I replied with, "why the heck do you want to do that!?" "Well because the gas board have been getting complaints from people in this flat that they're paying too much for their gas. They've ordered me to test every meter in the complex to make sure that everything is okay." The gas man explained who then revealed his name to be Mark Desmand.

If you're wondering about my weird attitude towards Desmand, and where it stems from. I shall tell you. You see I've been stealing gas from my neighbour Mr Smelly Hound who works in the Chinese Quarter under the tutelage of Mr Chu and his lover Mr Wong. If the gas board were to uncover my secret they'd send me to prison along with my former flatmate Tony Hartfield who ate a smelly sandwich in a shopping centre on Christmas day. He was thrown into the big house on the instructions of police commissioners Sam and Max.

Anyways, Desmand headed inside the living room, and made his way over to my meter. That's when I saw it. A ps3 copy of LA Noire was sitting in his very back pocket. Why was I looking at his butt? You may be asking dear reader. Well to be honest he was hot alright. I pulled the game out of his pocket, and demanded to know what he was doing carrying such a thing.

"Well love... after I was done checking the meter at Mr Hound's flat. I was planning to head back to my house, and play this game while my son attempts to eat his vegetables." Desmand explained. "Well how's about we play it right now?" I asked curiously. "What here in this flat?" Desmand asked to which I replied with, "no in Texas of course I mean in this flat!" I rudely pushed Desmand towards the TV, and plopped the disc into my ps3.#

LA Noire for those of you unlucky gnomes not in the know is a game that chronicles the rise and fall of LAPD Detective Cole Phelps from Department golden boy to the enemy of the state. Spoiler alert he dies because of the antics of the smelly police chief Worrell. I've beaten LA Noire countless times back when me and Tony were flatmates, and this flat had class in the ass.

Also, the cover looked really weird, and had a picture of Cole drinking lemsip in a café somewhere while Baymax from Big Hero 6 was seen flying in the sky. The back of the case had a picture of District Attorney Donald Jay Sandler eating a chicken bone. Also, the cover smelt like someone who hasn't showered in 9000 years, and then ate a smelly dog named Chilly Charlie. It was also covered in weird brown stains which nearly melted my nose off completely from the horrifying smell they gave off.

So Desmand and I made ourselves on the sofa as the game began to load itself up. There were no Rockstar or Team Bondi logos instead a weird logo for a company named Rabe Maniels Incorporated was shown. "Huh? Whose Rabe Maniels?" I asked Desmand who replied with, "is your water heated by gas boiler then?" He completely ignored my question. The bastard. I wanted him dead because he stunk like Derek Pappalardo's laundry basket.

Whatever, the game finally started with the main menu which looked normal. It was so normal that I actually died... but then came back because I needed to eat my Weetabix to keep me going. While making them Desmand told me that he had already beaten all the cases on the Patrol Desk, and that he had just started the first case on Traffic.

I came back into the living room, and proceeded to violently eat my cereal while Desmand let the opening cutscene of the first case: "The Driver's Seat," play out in it's entirety. It was odd to say the least. Cole kept farting violently, and the commander looked like Chris from Family Guy. Also after Cole is introduced to Stefan Bekowsky, Roy Earle did not appear to make fun of Cole like he normally did. Instead Cole began making out with the commander which disgusted Stefan who wanted Cole all to himself.

The captain of the Traffic Department was James Donnelly instead of Gordon Leary, and he had a Jamaican accent instead of his normal Irish one. As soon as Cole and Stefan entered the room, Donnelly turned to them, and yelled, "boys go down to Woolworths, and get me a toaster." "Righto Skips Pips." Cole said as the cutscene ended.

"The fuck was that!?" I asked angrily. "What's wrong?" Desmand asked to which I replied with, "this is not how this game is supposed to act." "Oh calm down love. Look the thing is... I shouldn't tell you this, but this is actually an early reel of the game." Desmand explained to which I questioned, "what do you mean early reel?" Desmand sniffed his pooey fingers before saying, "my wife works at Rockstar Games, and they supplied her with an early reel of the game. Hence why it is so different."

So back to the game... Cole was um shopping at Woolworths with Stefan as they picked out the perfect toaster for Donnelly. They got it, and then drove it back to Central Police Station where Donnelly yelled, "you got the wrong fucking toaster boys!" He gave Stefan a big glass of scotch while Cole cried because he had a real thing for that salty captain you see on a can of Birdseye's Mushy Peas. You know the ones where he's winking at the camera, and smoking a pipe. I'm getting distracted. I don't apologize for that. How can I anyway? I'm dead remember?

After this the case ended, and moved straight onto the next one, "A Marriage Made In Heaven." This case was semi-normal with Cole and Stefan investigating the death of Lester Patterson as normal. Though somethings were off like Mel Caruthers not being present being replaced by Dr Carrot, and they actually charged the driver with the crime instead of Lester's wife Lorna and her undercover lover Leroy Sabo. So then came the next case: "The Fallen Idol," and the case was so fucking glitchy.

I mean seriously. Cole kept saying, "easy Cole easy pole," and Stefan just wouldn't follow him. Cole would yell for Stefan to follow him, but he just wouldn't budge. Then the game cut to a clip of a man eating Kellogg's Cornflakes in his kitchen. A male voice in the background could be heard asking, "do you remember what happens when you eat Kellogg's Cornflakes?" Again and again in an overly serious tone. Then Squidward's face came on screen, and he said, "eating apples Spongey Bob?" He then did his trademark laugh.

At this point I had gotten pissed off, and demanded that Desmand switch the game off. "No can do Richie," Desmand said, and I asked, "how do you know my name?" Desmand proceeded to explain that his bosses at the gas board had a file on me, and my crazy antics. I then asked if we could possibly play a less glitchy case, and Desmand explained that since this was an early reel/beta all the cases were already unlocked straight from the gecko.

"Bastard." I said while hitting Desmand on the head with a frying pan repeatedly for smelling so bad. Whatever, I headed onto a case selection screen which had a horrifying picture of Rap Rat in the background smoking cheese. I selected the second case of the Homicide desk entitled, "The Golden Butterfly."

The case started like normal with Rusty Galloway getting a call from Donnelly asking for him and Cole to come to a crime scene. When they got there the usual cutscene played with Donnelly telling them about the woman who had been murdered, and that he wanted daily reports. He also talked about how he really craved a piece of spotted dick.

"Weird," I said to myself as the game did a random time cut to the part where Cole interrogates Hugo Muller. "What size shoe do you wear Mr Muller?" Cole asked like normal. Then the game froze again, and a picture of some random dudes came on the screen. Luckily it froze for long enough for me to see who they all were.

It was a picture of some bald head guy, District Attorney Donald Sandler, Governor Phil Green, Desmand, and Harry Gaye Editor-In-Chief of the Daily Otter Newspaper. They were having tea consisting of spotted dick and ham. "Uh Desmand since when you were friends with the DA and Governor Phil Green?" I asked when all of the sudden Desmand put a gun to my head, and said, "keep playing if you know what's good for you." "So you're not really working for the gas board at all then are you?" I asked confused to which Desmand replied with, "nope. I'm actually a hardcore criminal, and I was sent out to give you this game by my boss Mr Maniels."

Mr Maniels? Did he mean... that Rabe Maniels who went crazy, and then became Prime Minister. Then it hit me. The logo at the beginning of the game was for a company called Rabe Maniels Enterprises. Rabe was behind the game along with the DA and the Governor.

With no other option left I selected another case which was "The Black Caesar," the first case on the Vice Desk. It started with Cole and Roy Earle arriving at a hotel in some weird countryside area. "What are doing here Roy?" Cole asked confused to which Roy replied with, "we're here to collect my winnings Cole." Cole and Roy made their way towards the top floor of the hotel where a man sniffing cheese greeted them. "You got the money?" Roy asked, and the man replied with, "you don't see da money until I see the stuff!" Roy and Cole then proceeded to give him some bird seeds. "Bird seeds! I pledged money me!" The man yelled before pulling out a large tommy gun from his pants.

Cole and Roy then engaged in a large gunfight with the man along with some members of his gang. They managed to survive, and they escaped to the Hollywood Police Station. They tried to tell Donnelly about what had happened, but he refused to believe them as he was still craving a piece of some precious spotted dick.

Cole and Roy then attempted to bust the illegal popcorn racket that the case was actually about, but failed to get any evidence about it which caused Donnelly to get proper cross with them. I mean proper cross. Like he legit threw them out of the window of his office for fucking a simple fucking case up so terribly.

The next few cases were just a pile of glitches to be honest with you dear reader. "The Set Up," just had Cole and Roy walk an entire boxing match with no sinister motive behind it, and "Manifest Destiny" did not feature Cole's affair with Elsa Lichtman. Instead Cole actually managed to bust Harlan Fontaine and Courtney Sheldon for the stolen morphine. Police chief Worrell and Donnelly congratulated Cole on his success, and offered him a promotion to captain of the arson desk.

Cole of course said, "yes," and became the captain of the arson desk where he assigns Herschel Biggs a case to investigate a house fire. The rest of the game was just Cole running the arson desk with Herschel trying to tell him about a scandal involving Suburban Redevelopment Fund, but Cole refused to listen to him.

The final case of the game: "A Different Kind of War," had me playing as Herschel instead of Cole. Herschel was taking a dump in his toilet, and says, "oh no." He then dies. At the coroners office, Caruthers explains to Phelps that Herschel had died after relapsing into his spotted dick addiction. Cole was then offered another promotion by Donnelly to become captain of the Traffic Desk, but Cole yelled, "enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking promotions on this motherfucking game!" He then murdered Donnelly and Carruthers before making his way over to Central Police Station where he murdered Worrell as well.

"I'm the police chief now bitches!" Cole proclaimed happily as it showed a time montage of him running the LAPD with the narrator from The Krusty Krab Training Video talking about sinks and broccoli in the background. The game then ended with the normal credits, and had a post credit scene of Fozzy Bear drinking scotch, and he turned to face the camera saying, "I could have been a doctor."

The game then popped out of my ps3 by itself. Only joking I pressed the eject button on the console, and the disc slid out as normal. I then turned to face Desmand, and punched him in the face. I then began beating the ever loving daylights of him, and even began smashing his head in with the frying pan. "Yeah that's what you get ya bastard!" I yelled angrily as I shot him in the head 69 times with his own handgun.

I then dumped his body onto a bus passing by outside my flat, and if anyone asked me about it I would just say he was taking up on his hobby of bus surfing. I grabbed my coat off my kitchen table, and grabbed the game shoving it into my pocket. I then flew out of my flat, and headed down the street.

I caught a cab to Rockstar Studios in London, and showed the executives at the studio my game. They claimed to have never seen it before, and were about to call for security before I offered to play some for them in order to prove that I was not lying to them.

After playing through a couple cases, the executives all agreed that this was far too professional to be a student prank or anything like that. "And uh who gave this game again?" One of the executives named Jeremy Harkshore asked me. "Some guy named Mark Desmand. He was pretending to be a gas man, but said he was actually working for a man named Mr Maniels."

Twenty minutes later, the whole outside parking lot of the studio was filled with cop cars, and even a motherfucking tank appeared on the scene! From one of the cop cars emerged police commissioners Sam and Max, from another emerged Croydon police commissioner Strickland, and finally another car emerged with none other than General Asquith himself emerging from it.

General Asquith made his way inside the Studio with a large group of soldiers walking behind him armed to the teeth with very powerful weapons. Asquith then entered the game testing room with his bodyguard Sergeant Charles Dunne by his side. "Well let's have a look at this game then." Asquith said while making his way towards the TV. "This had better be good you scumbags. We've got important army things to be doing." Charles Dunne barked harshly into my face. His breath smelt of urinals and flowerbeds.

Harkshore proceeded to play through some more of the game, and it completely disgusted and terrified Asquith and Dunne. "Good God and this is real? It's not some kind of a hoax or a prank maybe?" Asquith asked. "Yeah because if it is then we're fucking pissed!" Charles chimed in. We explained to Asquith that it wasn't, and he explained that the entire building would be evacuated, and be placed under military control until further notice.

Outside in the main hallway of the Studio we were lectured by Asquith about what would be happening. "I repeat: the entire building will be under strict military control until the game has been completely investigated by detectives provided by the Croydon Police Department." Asquith explained before beginning to make his leave with Dunne following behind him like a loyal little dog who needs love, but not from a dentist named Liz and her lover named Jon Waistband. We're not that sick.

I managed to catch up with them, and I asked if it was true that the Prime Minister was involved in the game. Asquith didn't respond instead of Charles spoke for him by saying, "of course not! It's just a student prank or something, but until we get to the bottom of this thing this place is under our direct control." Asquith nodded before saying, "and now if you excuse us we better be on our way. I have to inform Mr Maniels, and the rest of the Cabinet on the situation."

Asquith and Charles then disappeared outside the building with a large group of soldiers following behind them as I excused myself to the bathroom. I had been holding a shit in for seven months now, and it was causing me a great deal of grief.

In the bathroom, I was shitting violently when all of the sudden police commissioners Sam and Max came in. "Oh dear merciful Neptune!" Max cried out as his face turned green like Shrek. "Oh be quiet Max. Sir we need to ask you some questions." Sam said while pulling out a small brown notepad. "Is it true that the man whom gave you this game worked for a man named Mr Maniels?" Sam asked, and I replied with, "yes it is true why...." I was cut off as Sam asked, "and is it true that there was a logo for a company known as Rabe Maniels Enterprises?" "Yes but..." Once again I was interrupted this time by Max who was now wearing a gas mask. He proclaimed, "See Sam told you that Rabe was behind it!" "Yep looks like Shadow was right all along." Sam said as he and Max then left the bathroom. Before they left however, Sam gave me a card with someone's phone number on it advising me to ring it.

After they had left from outside the bathroom door I could hear the pair being told off by Strickland who yelled, "there you are you two! Upstairs in the testing room now!" "Sir we..." Sam was interrupted as Strickland yelled, "as of now your investigation is on hold until my detectives come back with something." Strickland then made his way upstairs with Sam and Max following behind him.

Suddenly, a big fat man in a well dressed suit climbed in through the window farting violently as he did so. "Uh this toilet is occupied." I said awkward as I recognised the man as being Greg Blakeman: headteacher of Hartley Dale High School.

"Oh no love I don't need the toilet." 'Blakeman' said before continuing with, "but it's time for you to sail away sail away to the great beyond." He then proceeded to unzip his forehead, but I died from holding my shit in for so long before he had finished unzipping. "Well didn't even have to get my claws dirty." 'Blakeman' laughed before disappearing back outside the window farting violently as he did so. Outside, he began speaking to himself, "with Richie dead that limits Shadow's Army's intelligence, and soon me and Rabe will be able to buy some star liners, and activate the final phase of our plan!" He then skipped down the streets to the beat of the Mario Jungle.

As I lay here dead on this disgusting bathroom floor I realise that Rabe had behind the game, and that Desmand had been his employee. It all made sense. The real Greg Blakeman had been killed. and something was wearing his skin. The Prime Minister, the DA, and several other powerful people were plotting something sinister, but what?

Only The Shadow Reader can save us now, and if he fails... then no one will survive! Not even Squidward's house.

---

Credited to Bruno Tattagllia

Comments • 0

Loading comments...