LambSauce.exe
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NSFW WARNING
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Part 1
"Now Raiden, I know you that you know you're guilty. So why don't you spare us both the bullshit and plead guilty?"
"Sorry, officer daddy, I can---'t. You know me,"
"Fine, then let the ass probing begin"
1 year earlier
Hi, my name is Raiden Jinx, and I have a borderline sexual love for Gordon Ramsay.
I have played all of his games, watched all of his shows, and fapped to all of his modeling pics in Sizzlin' Chefs bi-weekly. So yeah, I love Gordon Ramsay. It was a cold July day, the sky was a hyper realistic blue, and the sun was just rising. I was on my way to the laundry store to pick up my freshly cleaned dakimakura of Chef Ramsay in anime form. Who am I to deny daddy his sauce. After I picked up my dakimakura me and Ramsalicious daddy made our way to our favorite eatery, In 'n Out. I got the usual, A Double Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, 4x4 animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease; make it cry, burn it, and let it swim with a kids size diet pepsi. Gordon got a Chesseburger with onion rings and a diet water.
We enjoyed our meals and left to go back home for mouth mating time. As we were making our way downtown, walking fast, faces pass, and I'm homebound. I noticed the local game x change had filled up their trash dumpster.
"LUCKY US" I told the Glorious chef.
We walked over to the dumpster and dove in. Among games with single scratches on them I found something.....ominously ominous. It was a case in perfect condition, only I didn't recognize the cover, or the developers, or the platform. It said "LambSauce.exe" on the front. It displayed Gordon Ramsay skinning..something in a very dark place. His eyes were dark holes, and his face was very spooky to say the least. "wow" i says. I checked to make sure those money whoring fucks didn't ruin this game, and luckily, the didn't.
"SOCRE" I told Gordon excitedly. I gave him a little peck on the cheeki breeki, and we went off to try our new game.
Part 2
Once we arrived we went straight into our fun dungeon. The room was decked head to toe in pictures of Chef Ramsay. Some where professional, some were crayon drawings, some were candid, some had holes cut out of the mouth, all made me horny.
And at the center was peace el resistaunch. A homemade gaming PC, dubbed, "the Beef Wellington." On the front was a cutout of Gordon Ramsays face that lights up when I turn it on. pretty dank/10 if I say so.
Anyways, me and Gordon sat in our chairs and booted up the game. The title screen was pretty edgy. It showed a gif of Gordon Ramsay placing body parts into a blender. While say things like "yes" "excellent" "good job" "nice work" "good cooking good looking" "wow wow" "I wonder if I can suck my own dick if a do more pilates" And in the center was the word LAMBSAUCE.EXE in bold, red, satnic fonts. I clicked yes and the game began.
The main character was Gordon, the main object of the game was to jump from platform to platform while avoiding things. I'm a pro, so I finished the level in .6969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696965394586 petaseconds-ish. The ending was a big bottle of lamb sauce. Once I clicked the bottle a video pooped up. IT WAS GORDON. He was in his usual chef attire, only it was covered in the bloodiest blood I have ever seen. What he said next shook me to the bone
"Raiden, I need your help. You are one of my most devout followers, and I can only trust YOU to finish this task. I have been kidnapped by Jake Paul, I have locked myself into this room, but the door can only hold for so long. Hurry Raiden, my life is in your hands., and KEEP THAT FUCKING CUM RAG OF A PILLOW THERE, FOR FUCK SAKES YOU FUCKING ANIMAL" and the video ended, and a pair of coordinates showed up on screen.
I tattooed them to my ass and set out on the most sexually electrifying journey anyone has ever went on on one of these stories.
Part 3
I arrived 2 1/16ths of a fortnight later at the coordinates Gordon had given me. It was lonesome without my pillow, he was my other half, but I must soldier on, for Gordon, for Lamb Sauce, and for that sweet, sweet pusspuss I'm gonna get out of this. The house was modern, and big, the door had a "please come in" sign stuck to it. So I did as I was told and journeyed down the massive hallway. As I took a left I heard someone screaming from a room at the end of the hall.
"LEEEEEETS GET ROOOIIIIIIGHT INTO THE NEEEEWWWS"
I made my way into the room to see Keemstar sitting at his desk, reading off news about various Youtubers. I finally worked up the news to speak up
"umm. Mr. Keemstar sir?" He turend 1080p degrees in his chair and face me.
"WHO THE FOOK ARE YOU!" he said in an agitated tone.
"UMM. Gordon Ramsay sent me here, he needs our help"
"Gordon? that fucker can die for all I care"
I was shocked "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT!!"
Keem looked NaCl "You wanna know why I can say it? BECAUSE THAT PIECE OF SHIT KICKED ME OFF HELLS KITCHEN! YOU REALLY THINK I WANNA TELL A BUNCH OF UNDERAGE BITCHES ABOUT TWO TARDS GETTING INTO A FIGHT WITH ONE ANOTHER OR HOW SOMEONE TURNED THEIR PENIS INSIDE OUT AND ARE NOW IS WOMAN? FUCK NO, I WANTED TO BE A FUCKING CHEF, AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER TOLD ME i WAS A COCKSUCKING DONKEY!"
He composed himself and spoke in a calmer tone "I want nothing to do with that man" I pulled out the backup file I made on a USB and gave it to him.
"The fuck is this?" he asked
"just watch it, and you'll know"
He reluctantly plugged it into his laptop. To my astonishment, the video had changed. His clothes were cleaner, and the dialogue were different
"Daniel-san. I know I kicked you off Hells Kitchen, but it was either you or that black chick, I mean, have you ever slept with a black chick? bitches are crazy. Anyways, you have always been a great chef, and I'm sorry for what I did to you. If you help this gay little child here save me, I'll see to it you can live out your sexiest chef fantasies!" and the video went off.
He looked up to the skies, pondering, and spoke up. "Okay, I'll help, but first, what's your name?"
I smirked, "My names Jinx, Raiden Jinx."
Part 4: Retribulation
"Jake Paul nabbed Gordon?" Keem asked
"looks like it" I said. Keemstar was sitting there, dumbstruck.
"Okay Raiden, so we just go in and grab Gordon? You think it will be that easy?"
I smirked like my favorite anime character "No, we need firepower, and lots of it. Lucky for us. I know someone"
"We'll take my car." Keem said. "It's faster than your MLP trike."
We showed up to pop pop's house in just a few hours. He was sitting outside on the porch smoking the fattest doobie I had ever seen.
"Raiden? Is that you, Is it time for another blowey joey alredy?"
"not this time, pop pop, we need some firepower, you still friends with that 5-star general?"
pop pop smirked like his favorite anime character "yes, yes I do"
Part 5
I could barely hear him over the sound of the engines.
"WE'LL BE OVER THE DROP ZONE IN 1 MINUTE! I'M YOUR JUMPMASTER, SGT. DREADNOUGHT! THIS WILL BE A HIGH ALTITUDE LOW OPENING DROP, OR A HALO JUMP! SO MAKE SURE YOUR GEAR IS STRAPPED ON TIGHT AND YOUR O2 TURNED ON!"
Me and Keem checked our gear. I was brandishing a Remington 500 12 gauge, while he had a basic bitch M16A1 with ACOG and Stopping Power on. We stood up, I put out my cigar, and we waited for the light to go green. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, it was time to jump.
"GO GO GO" Jumpmaster Dreadnought screamed as we dove out of the plane like tier 0 operators. As we made our descent we could slowly make out our drop point as we descended. Once we hit 69 ft I did a few front flips and pooped muh shoot. As we landed I was sure we were at the right place. The Team 10 house.
We stacked up on the fence and prepared to make our entry. I tried a passcode out of curiousity, and unfortunately, 420696980085 wasn't the passcode. These fucker were smarter than I thought. Imagining MY sweet Gordon in there, cooking for those fuckers, filled me with pure tard rage. Keem took point and placed some thermite bomb on the fence. Next thing you know a huge hole was burned into the fence. We made our way through and tactically stacked up on the front door. I tactically tried opening the door, which was locked, so I tactically looked under the rug for a key, which there wasn't. So I tactically loaded up a door breacher round into muh gun and unloaded into the doorknob. I tactically kicked open the door like those scenes in Call of Duty and tactically entered the hallway. We tactically used tactical tactics to sweep through the whole building, until we reached the top floor. The house was empty. We kicked in the final door to find dear Gordon, handcuffed to a chair with duct tape over his mouth. He tried saying something, but was too muffled for meh to understand. So I tactically removed the tape from his mouth.
"THE HOUSE IS RIGGED TO BLOW YOU STUPID DONUT!" Just then Jake Pauls voice came over the intercom.
"Haha, lmao, you idiots really think I would stay in the Team 10 house with Gordon? How stupid do you think I am? Now that I have you all in one place, I will now kill THREE birds with one stone, hahahaha. #rekt"
Just then a timer on the table beside Gordon started counting down.
"We gotta go, NOW!" Keem said.
"Agreed" clammed Gordon.
We untied him and tactially joomped out the window just as the house exploded. It looked just like my animes. Once we were safe I offered Gordon my Dual-wielded Golden Deagles, he turned me down and unshitted two sharp as shit butcher knives.
"Will that be enough?" I asked.
Gordon undid his Chef's shirt. Revealing not only his sick 8 pack, but a whole set of knives, ranging from Kukris, to Karambits, to steak knives. dank as shit.
"Daniel-san...it has been quite some time" Gordon said
"it has" Keem said coldly
"now that we've saved you, where's muh shit?"
"uh uh, Jake Paul is still out there, and if he's willing to grab ME. Then he's willing to do a lot more. We MUST stop him."
"Gordon's right" I said to Keem "With Paul still in the game, there's no telling what might happen."
Keemstar looked up to the hyper realistic black sky. "fine..FINE FUCK IT...LEEETS GO FUUUUUUCK UP JAKE PAUUUUL" Keem sad excitedly.
And so we set off. On a hunt to find Gordons capturer.
Part 6
As we pulled out of the In n' Out, we decided our next plan of attack.
"Okay, so now that we know where he's at, how are we gonna do this?" Keem asked
"Simple, we go in, fuck his shit, then get the hell out and get SOME MORE FUCKING IN 'N OUT BURGERS FUCK YEAH!!!" Just then Gordon bailed out of the car and sprinted back in for more burgers, leaving only me and Keem.
"Raiden, these past 9 months have been tough, and it has taken a toll on all of us, but somethings really off about Gordon. And take it from me, I've spent a lot of time around him."
"It's gotta be the stress, Keem. I'm sure he'll snap out of it once we get Jake Paul."
Just then Gordon rushed back into the car carrying 5 bags filled to the brim with burgers.
"If either one of you cockgobblers touch my burgers i'll cut your fucking wanker off" Gordon said as he dual wielded two triple cheeseburgers.
Keem drove us out to the Mojave desert. We had his coordinates, we could smell his blood. It was time to get that son of a bitch for all he had done.
"That reminds me" Gordon said between mouthfulls, "why exactly ARE we hunting down Jake Paul? I mean, I know he kidnapped me and all, but we haven't heard dick out of him for months, so why bother?"
Keem slammed the breaks and stared blankly forward down the dark desert road.
"we have to, this isn't about us anymore. This is about youtube, this is about the community, and this is about saving what we love before it's too late."
"Yeah yeah, I get that, but...he's in the fucking desert. It's not like he can upload from a fucking cave or some shit"
Part 7: Jake Paul
"WHAT'S UP LOSERS, IT'S ME, JAKE 'TINYPENIS' PAUL. I'M HERE TODAY WITH TO PULL SOME EPIC PRANKS. AS YOU CAN SEE THIS IS A NATIVE GIRL TIED TO A ROCK. AND THIS IS MY 9mm."
Jake brandished a 9mm Glock and Wesson.
"NOW, IF i MISS THIS SHOT, SHE GETS TO GO FREE, BUT IF I DON'T? WEEELLLLL...IT'S GONNA BE A ROUGH DAY FOR HER! LMAO"
Jake took aim at the native woman, and cocked back the hammer.
ONE...TWO........this Savage Prank is brought to you by my new rap song 'Born to Be Dank' featuring tupac and Eminem. now, back to the epic prank.......THREE
*BANG!*
" ...DAMN. THAT PRANK WAS EPIC AS FUCK! BE SURE TO LIKE SUBSCRIBE AND COMMENT WITH YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY AND BIRTHDATE TO BE ENTERED INTO THIS WEEKS SWEEPSTAKES FOR ONE OF MY USED CUM SOCKS. PEACE!!!"
*place annoyingly loud techno music here*
Part 8
"On second thought, maybe we should go through with this" Gordon said
"ditto" I chimed in.
Eventually we decided to hoof it the rest of the way to get the drop on him. Luckily pop pop still had some connections, and we were able to get some gud shit. I had a M249 SAW. Gordon stuck with his Knife set, and Keem got Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle.
"Alright, Keem. You should find some high ground a provide Overwatch. Gordon, you and me are going in."
We split up, as me and Gordon made our way towards the cave. As we descended down the shaft, we noticed lights at the end. As we got closer we realized it was a computer monitor with a chair in front of it. Draped over it...was a bloody apron.
"What THE FU...." Was all I could get out before I was knocked unconscious.
I came to some time later, tied to a chair. Gordon was to my left, tied up in the same way I was...and Gordon was standing up in front of me? I was confused and thought that I had a major head injury. Until the standing Gordon produced a knife a cut down the midline of his body and began tearing the skin off. Only to reveal...IT WAS JAKE PAUL!!!!
"It...was you with us the entire time?" I said.
"muahaha, yes. I was the Gordon you rescued from the Team 10 house, while real Gordon was here the entire TIME MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHA lol."
Real Gordon chimed in
"YOU SCHTUPID IDIOT, YOU REALLY THINK I'D CARRY A BATCH OF KNIVES WITH ME? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? GOOD GOD WE'RE FUCKED."
"yes, yes you are" Jake Paul said.
Just then, Jake Paul went down in a heap.
"AHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK!!1"
Standing in the doorway was Keem, who had launched a knife right into Jake Pauls shoulder.
"LEEEET'S GET ROIIIIGHT TO BEATING YOUR AAAASSSSS"
Jake Paul took a swing, but Keem ducked and punched Jake in the kidneys. Jake fell to one knee, but headbutted Keem in the dick. Keem fell in a heap, and Jake mounted him and started wailing on him. Just as I thought Keem was finished Gordon leaned over to me and whispered in my ear:
"Raiden, use your mouth and reach into my right front pocket."
I'm really good with my mouth, so I reached down and grabbed at his pocket with my teeth.
"THAT'S MY DICK YOU FUCKING MORON, MY GODDAMN POCKET NOT MY FRONT PANTS!"
oopsies. I tongue punched his pocket and pulled out a syringe. It was a sp00ky red liquid with the label "LambSauceXXX". I aimed the syringe and stuck the needle straight into his arm.
Gordon started twitching. His eyes turned bl00d red, and he gritted his teeth. His sick muscles flexed against the rope binding his hands to the arm rests and he launched up at mach 69 speed; the binds holding him destroyed. Gordon tackled Jake Paul and took a massive bite out of his throat.
"THE MEAT'S FUCKING RAAAW!!" Gordon thundered. Hearing him say that gave me a category 5 erektion.
Jake Paul fell to the floor, finished. Keem untied me and we limped our way to the computer. on the screen was his YT channel. now at 69million subs. Keem decided to do the honors and deleted his channel, thus releasing the world from his evil grasp.
As we stepped out from the cave, the sun came up. and news had spread about his channel being deleted "under suspicious circumstances" The stock market reached an all-time high. Test scores of children all across the world had skyrocketed, and the general IQ in 1st world countries had went up 15 points.
As we made our way back home. We promised to stay in touch, which we never did. Once I finally returned home, My dakimakura had kept the house clean and in running order while I had been gone.
Keem quit DramaAlert and opened up his own 5 star restaurant called "KeemsCooks."
Gordon went back to cooking like always, but he mailed me a comfy check every few months.
As for me, I slipped into major depression since I wasn't as successful as Gordon or Keem. I began injecting Marijuanas to keep from being too depressed, which inadvertently got me in trouble with the law (hence the beginning.)
Raiden will return....
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