Life As a Man Without a Face
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NSFW WARNING
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Hey. You may not know me, but, my name is Mike Keys. Today, I'm gonna tell you about my life. But, this time, it's not normal. I've got no face. I lost my face in a TERRIBLE accident thet I'm too lazy to think off because this story is supposed to suck ass. So, onto my actual life. I was trying to walk around. Right? But, these stupid people kept on freaking out.
I went into a Wallgreens the other day. Everyone ran out. Screams of horror were ringing out. My face was gone. I couldn't scream. The screams I made were so muffled that you couldn't even hear them. At that point, I had some ideas. Mostly ideas relating to plastic sugerey and different operations to get my face back.
But, no luck. The doctor said that he was 'out of ideas', bruh, he didn't even have a medical license. This freaked me out. The doctor was a serial killer. Who I recently became friends with. He's nice. His wallpapering skills are interesting. My face was still gone. Never to be seen again.
Supposedly, there was a way to get my face back. I couldn't find a face I wanted. I went into a old Toys-R-Us that got turned into a warehouse called The Face Shop. Yeah. It was boring. I obviously was kidnapped by a man. This man was a very unknown man. He was, my brother. His name was Holden Cox. We did everything together.
He realized that his girlfriend was cheating. So, he sprayed her eyes with pepper spray and she made her bleed blood from her, uhh, vagina. Yeah. That girl is dead now. Yeah. She is.
I went to court soon after. I was framed! The judge looked at me. With his super and hyper-realistic angry eyes. I was shocked. Screaming and screaming. I was afraid that someone was watching me. The judge said something.
"Behold, my lawyer!" The judge said. The doors swung open. A black figure was standing there. Someone, a theme song was playing. It was the Better Call Saul theme. Saul Goodman put his briefcase on the table, and then he smiled.
"Let's get down to business!" Saul Goodman said. I was surprised. He. Was. Beautiful. From his handsome cheeks. To his crystal-white teeth. His suit was ready. He dusted himself off. I had no lawyer. So, I know that I was fucked.
"People of the court, I believe that Mike Keys is gulity of the murder of a girlfriend!" The judge said. The audience gasped a mighty gasp. I took out my gun and spun the barrel, aiming towards the judge.
"That's where you're wrong, bucko!" I said, wearing a ten-gallon hat. The judge was in shock. You could see the sweat dripping down from his scratchy and old-looking wig. Which was fake. He uttered a single sentence.
"Oh dear..." With that sentence uttered, I spun my barrel, as I put my bullets in. Yeah. I. Did. That. Shit. Up. As the cool kids say? Am I cool yet? I spun the barrel. I aimed for the judge's head. I slowly raised my gun. To the rim of his crusty forehead. I stood up and I took the gun, as I pressed it gently against his thick skull. The gun clicked. Then, I pulled the trigger. I shot through his head. Blood went everywhere. It was super gross! The audience seemed to love it. Even Saul Goodman clapped. He gave me a nobel prize. He said something.
"You better call me!" I fainted. Yeah. I woke up. On the floor. Saul was looking over me. The judge was being arrested for pretending to be a judge. Ha. Loser! Am I right? I then went to a Amazon warehouse. I delivered at least 3 packages before I made the working conditions even worse. With cum and piss and a whole lot of blood, I managed to make Elon Musk sad.
"You're ruining my company!" Elon Musk shouted. "I ruined you!" I shouted back. Elon Musk was shocked. Suddenly, a light shone down. I realized that it was a broken light. It later crushed me. Ouch! Elon Musk had given me a restraining order. I flipped him off. I then popped into his Tesla and I drove away. The drones tried to chase me. With blood and stuff. But, I was too fast for them. The next thing I knew, I did the Floss. I couldn't stop. Elon Musk felt like he was being disrespected by a 'dumb old kid with no social life or outside time', yeah. Elon Musk was just a jerk.
I ran home and I got attacked by a hundred drones. Yeah. They poked me. But, I managed to burn them with gasoline. Yeah. That's the way I roll. Saul Goodman gave me a medal and a small wink. He told me that a man was selling candy in a white van. I couldn't resist. So, I ran up to the van. Saul Goodman laughed a evil laugh.
"He fell for it!" He said. He had hired. That. Man. To. Give. Random. Guys. And. Also. Kids. Candy. From. His. White. Van. Yeah, this was weird.
I went to the van. I saw the man. He said one thing.
"Heya, Mike Keys!" He said, cheerfully. I stared at him. "How the fuck do you know my name?" I said. "I know you." He said. I walked up to his van. "Get in." He said. I got in. The van was covered in blood. "Is that ketchup?" I said. The man smiled. "No, it's blood." He said, laughing. I saw the lights turn off. I was suddenly completely naked. I was fucked for hours. Then, I woke up. On my big coach. I was fully-clothed. Was it a dream? It wasn't. My face was still gone. I cried. Very loudly. I might add, m-m-mind your own darn business, budderoo!
So, yeah. That was my true tale of pure horror. I'm not just normal. I'm the opposite. I wish I wasn't like this. People kept on saying that I was next. They all want me. They. Want. To. Kill. Me. And. My. Family! Uh oh! I should've died. But, I can't. It's too cold.
Living without a face is a hard life. Also, one more thing. Never trust white vans and never trust me because I'm a faceless guy who will kill you in 2 months time. See you soon...
Written by TheBigLG
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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