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The other day, me and buddy Todd were out and about harassing people at our local electronics store.

I don’t know why, Todd was piss drunk and I was bored. And we wanted free games.

When I said Todd was piss drunk, that was literal. He ran to the bathroom not ten minutes in almost pissing himself.

I just aimlessly browsed around looking for something that wasn’t unbearably boring like the radios and TV sets around the store… until suddenly, my buddy burst through out of the bathroom as he exclaimed ‘JOEY, HOLY SHIT! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!’ he had found a copy of Super Mario Maker 2, fully paid for with receipt, sitting in a store bag on the urinal.

There was also two hundred bucks.

I told him to shut the fuck up and eyed the store around us nervously. Some people had looked our way but no one was trying to steal our shit. When I looked inside the bag, I noticed something was off… Someone had gotten a black and red marker and had shaded mario and lugi’s eyes black with red on their pupils. I carelessly shrugged and thought ‘God, kids these days.’

Todd immediately said “Dude, we should split this.” Then pocketed the two hundred and tossed me the game. “Let me play that sometime, huh?” Then he headed home without another word. His nasty sandals making a squelching noise from the sweat that had soaked into them as he walked off.

What an asshole.

When I got to my apartment, I noticed a suspicious gift wrapped box at the front of my doorstep, it had writing on it written in marker on the wrapping paper that said “Dude give me my shit back.” I was getting serious mixed messages from this bipolar package.

Especially since inside the box was a Nintendo brand Nintendo Switch Labo VR kit and a little note that said ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ The scary part was, I’m not jewish. But I just shrugged it off as I took the box inside.

I didn’t own a Nintendo Switch but I had recently stolen one off of a park bench. It had also been sitting there similar to the game in the bathroom. I took it out of the case and there was a white slime-like residue on the screen. It made my hands smell very stinky.

I wiped it off with some toilet paper, and placed my recently acquired copy of Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros Maker 2 into the Nintendo Switch video game cartridge slot. Which is located at the top-left of every single Nintendo Switch console, in case you didn’t know.

But as I was putting the cartridge in, I noticed something weird. The eyes were covered in marker there too. But it was shrunk, like the marker was actually on the image they used to print the cover picture rather than the particular cover I had here.

The game was also not named the right correct name that is Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros Maker 2. Instead it was simply labeled “Nintendo Maker Special Edition.” With a little tiny oculus rift logo in the top right corner of the teeny cartridge label. I was unnerved that the man who’d left this game would do such a thing to a poor innocent little video game cartridge.

Or maybe he hadn’t done it at all.

I popped the game into my switch regardless. I was no chump who would pass up on a free game.

As the game loaded into my switch and logo popped up on my home screen, I realized that there was STILL marker marks on Mario and Loogie’s eyes.

When I loaded up the game, that famous day old title screen popped up. Mario looked fine. But there was NO GREEN MARIO. I screamed in shock and started to shi- I mean, sweat profusely in fear, but then I thought wait, I’m no chump! And wooshed my arms towards my forehead and wiped the salty sweat from my brow. That’s right, my brow.

But then Lujie popped up and I realized that I just hadn’t pressed the start button. I had a little chuckle at this and I quickly changed my pants. As I sat back down in front of my Nintendo NX(name pending) console, and pressed start, nothing happened. I realized I had to press the shoulder buttons instead, but then I was ready to play that famous fun-time story mode.

Except instead it automatically loaded into a user level by “Don’t turn around joey.” I don’t know how it did this as I did not own Switch SCAM Online. And besides, I was too broke to pay that and knew I would get caught anyways if I did it on my stolen jizz switch.

The level loaded and there was a big massive “fuck you, give me my shit back” drawn in coins.

I stared at it confused, was this the same man sending me weird bipolar messages? I collected the coins and got a one-up, though they were useless in Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros Maker 2.

But instead of getting a one-up, mario died.

I nearly dropped the Nintendo About-Face console in shock. I began to weep for the little plumber man. All he wanted was to be immortal. But then I thought, wait. Does this mean greed is a bad thing? Nintendo would never have such beautiful symbolism in their innocent child people’s game.

I replayed the level, this time without picking up a single coin. It was nothing but the same message over and over and over and over and over. When I finished the level, I got a notification telling me “VR mode has been unlocked!” It automatically engaged.

VR mode? I thought to myself, but then I remembered the box of the Nintendo branded Nintendo Labo VR Kit that’d been left at my doorstep when I got home.

I didn’t want to play with nasty gross cardboard VR but it would not let me progress until I put on my Labo VR Headset. I didn’t know how the game would detect a piece of cardboard, but it still would not let me do anything. Not even go back to the home menu.

So to my great chagrin, I began to dig my teeth into the box and open it. As I began to wrestle it, sheets of beautifully crafted cardboard flew out of the box and landed some feet away on my living room floor. Upon further inspection of the box, I realised I had to put the pieces together to make it. But by some miracle, the cardboard pieces had fallen into place and assembled themselves with no effort on my part.

I looked at the peculiar thing and realised, there was no head-strap! What a scam! So I grabbed a piece of elastic band that for some reason was just resting on my table and I strapped the device onto my head.

The screen turned black until I saw a first person view of a big ol’ coin in front of me and strange dark orange bricks below my feet.

I reached out and touched the coin, the Switch somehow tracking my hand movement, and I felt like I had just touched a hot pan cooking a grilled cheese.

“YOUCH!” I yelled out to no one in particular.

I realized that this must be more of that symbolism. But this meant that the game could not have possibly have been Nintendo’s game.

This must be an evil hacked copy, I realized. Nintendo would never tell me not to follow my dreams of thievery and debauchery.

I ran into as many coins as I could see, crashing into my walls more than once or twice. I was surprised that my neighbors and landlord hadn’t complained.

I screamed from the pain with every sandwich heated coin, “Mama mia, that’s not fucking cool.”

One time I fell down right on top of a coin and cried for help as loud as I could but not a soul listened to my cries. “Owowowowow”

Suddenly a loud banging knock rang out on my front door.

I thought it had to have been my landlord. Or the police, for stealing that Nintendo Switch. I quickly took the Switch off my face and hid it behind my back.


It was Todd. But he sounded funny. His voice was higher pitched and raspy.


It couldn’t be Todd. Todd was a greedy asshole, he would never give me money. And I knew now that accepting that money would be bad because greed was bad.

Suddenly it clicked in my head. Todd was only one letter off from… Toad… Oh god. The door fell off its hinges as I made this realization.

I exclaimed SORRY THE PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE! I didn’t understand why I said that. I wasn’t Toad, he was toad. And as I thought that, he said “You can’t lie to Toad, buddy boy.”

He quickly squished his giant bulbous toad head through the door, and snatched up my Nintendo Shift console. “I TOLD YOU TO GIVE ME MY SHIT BACK.”

I was shocked. And I felt such a giant sense of guilt. I had stolen from the one and only Toad Nintendo.

Maybe I was the asshole all along.

I got up off my floor, having fallen down when Toad snatched the console out of my sweat drenched hands.

I got up to go wash the sweat off my face and hands and general bodily area. But then as I looked up in the mirror… I saw.

A face staring back at me that could not be my own.

Mama Mia.~~

YouTube reading

Credited to Dogman_35 and Hawkeren 

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