Mario.jar
Author's note: So, the idea for this story originally came from a .exe style pasta, but the Wiki disallowed those, so I changed it to .jar, thinking of Minecraft-style files, and this is what became of it. A really good pasta, if I do say so myself. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll get some rest from typing so much.
And yes, the story is fictional. Have a nice day, and I really hope you enjoy this pasta. :)
...Alright. I have nowhere else to go. My name is Mason Railson, and I used to be a normal, carefree person that liked video games. Until something happened.
Something demented.
Something...I don't even want to talk about. Do you want to hear this story? It's a long one...
It's definitely not for the faint-hearted.
The Story
I was an employee at Nintendo in 1992, and at the time, we were looking forward to developing games for the SNES. But there was one game that topped everything else, something that we knew would make us a LOT of money. (Everybody says that doing things isn't for the money, but how will you run a company if you have none of it?) It was an extremely popular, awaited game from a beloved children's series.
The game was Super Mario World. I became one of the programmers, and immediately I was hooked at the job. I put AFTER-HOURS into that freaking game, and it started to look AMAZING. The sky looked like the type of blue straight out of Japanese manga. The ground and bushes looked very nicely textured, and the sprite and texture for Mario looked really HD for the time. I eventually finished an entire THREE of the planned 8 worlds in about (get this) less than 2 WEEKS. The staff was appalled; they were looking at me I was God's Hero or something.
I continued to work on the game for the next 3 months, and I continued to work more and more. The staff were impressed at what they saw every time they walked past my Commodore, and they were saying things like, "You really do an incredible job. The boss should give you a pay raise," and "You work like a God. You should get more time off to program your own game."
I was ecstatic, because if the staff likes it, then the whole world will like it, right? WRONG. There was one guy that the entire staff hated, and for good reason. The guy's name was Mildrew Andes, and he HATED the way I did things. He was one of the snottiest bastards you could meet. One of the sayings he could always be hated for was, "I should be the LEAD programmer, not one of you shrimpies."
Well, we all took the programmer's job for granted, and we never, EVER hated it. We all wanted to punch his face in order to show him who the real shrimpy was, but we knew that we would get sacked if we did that, so we all kept our fat gobs shut. At least for a little while.
But there was one thing that was MAJOR that he got blamed for, and that was what I'm currently talking about.
It happened when Andes was away for the day.
When three-quarters of the game was done, right up to the middle of the Forest of Illusion, there was a staff showcase, and Shigeru Miyamoto HIMSELF was there to see things off. We were incredibly anxious to see what had become of the game, myself included. The game computer file was called Mario.jar, which in itself sounded suspicious in general. We were all thoroughly interested though. So, the game starts up, and IMMEDIATELY I notice something is wrong.
The title screen was only two colors, black for the sky and blood red for the ground. My fellow programmer Liam was the player, and when he pressed start, there was a loud, and I mean LOUD screech that lasted for almost ten seconds. It was easily 95 decibels, and it popped my freaking ears.
"Damn, Liam, turn that freaking thing down, I'm going deaf over here!" I said after it ended.
"Not possible, it's at it's lowest setting possible!" he replied, shakily.
This scared me, and I could tell it it scared Miyamoto, too. The lowest sound setting was 95? That means it could probably go all the way up to 125 decibels, which I knew for a fact is much louder than a jet engine. Liam selected the first file, and immediately from here there was no sound, literally no sound, the only thing that you could hear on the television was the Sound Effects, the most common one being Mario jumping.
Then something happened. Liam fell down a pit in level 2. We laughed, but then something shocking happened. The TV burst out the loudest possible Music for the little tone that happens when Mario dies. It had to be something like 88 decibels, but this time it only happened for about half a second, and then...oh god, I don't even want to say it, but...there was a picture of Mario, and he was dead, sore, and bleeding on a bunch of spikes, and somebody was EATING his...you-know-whats.
I BARELY stopped myself from throwing up, and Miyamoto choked back his own. Then, a caption box popped up, and it said, "hIs oRgAnS WeRE lAtER sOLd FOr MOneY."
Then, one final image managed to appear before Liam shut the cursed thing off. It was a picture of Mario's body without any of his organs or his genitals, (the spots that had them were dripping with blood,) and the caption above it read:
"gAMe OveR."
Pissed, Miyamoto yelled, "WHO DID THIS???!!! THEY ARE GONNA BE SMOKED IF I CATCH HOLD OF THEM!"
I was the only one that spoke from the entire group, and I replied with, "Mildrew is currently on sick leave, sir."
Miyamoto looked as though he was about to explode with anger and frustration.
"MIRANDA! GET REGGIE IN HERE SO HE CAN SEE THIS SHIT!" About three minutes later, Reggie dashed through the door in confusion.
"What happened? Something not good, I take it?" Miyamoto is still steamed.
He barely manages to control himself, and he says two words.
"Show Him."
Then, he simply stomps out the door. We show Reggie the entire thing from start to finish, and he was almost scared.
"Whoever fuckin' did this deserves to be in jail." I also told Reggie that Mildrew is on sick leave, and he said the two words you never want to hear about jobs.
"Fire Him."
Reggie also demands that he sees my Commodore, and I show him every binary digit.
"Hmm...seems legit enough to me. Somebody must have altered it in some way."
Both Me and Reggie checked the memory storage, and we were taken aback. There was almost 50,000 bytes more than planned.
"Uh...check the directory next. Something's wrong here," Reggie said.
Eventually, we found three files, one for the screeching we heard, one for the black and red, and one for the images and lettering. They were all titled Mario.jar with and underscore and a respective number. We deleted them, and that was that.
Epilogue
Mildrew came in the next day, and we finally got the permission and the chance to tell him to fuck off. And we were happy for it. Reggie and Shigeru weren't at the programming room; they were at the police station, telling about everything that had happened, thank god, and later three squad cars and a truck showed up later on to take Mildrew to the station for questioning and mugshots. To make everyone feel better, Miyamoto issued another staff showing, and THIS time it went much better.
They said that they loved it, and that's the version they ended up using, the version that turned into the Super Mario World we know and love. Mildrew got a 10 year sentence, and Miyamoto and Reggie even did two more things for us, both of them AMAZING. He raised our pay to 15% MORE, and took everyone for a nice relaxation day at MALIBU BEACH. It was awesomely kind of them to do such a thing, and we couldn't stop thanking them. We went back to our jobs as programmers, and life was good to us.
So you have learned the tale of me, Mason, and have experienced through my eyes what I have experienced. It was one hell of a problem, and I hope it never happens again.
FIN
Credited to Snap Flash
Originally uploaded on January 23, 2013
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