Mario 3D All-Stars - Every Copy Is Personalized
This is a fictional joke story based on the 'every copy is personalized' meme from a few years ago. Don't take it seriously.
My entire life, I've loved Mario. As a matter of fact, I can still remember playing Mario for the first time on my NES.
Ah, those were the days. Playing Mario like nothing else mattered, chilling with my childhood friends and drinking way too many carbonated beverages. We used to feel pretty damn cool doing that.
Anyway, Mario is my hero. I've voted for him every election. I've played all his games. I've burst into a climate change protest with a sign begging Nintendo for Mario Galaxy 3.
I like to think I'm Mario's biggest fan.
Or, at least, I was.
You see, one day, after a particularly stressful week, I decided to drown my sorrows in a 6-pack of cheap beer and Super Mario Odyssey. Sure, maybe nowadays it was shitty beer alone instead of soda with friends like the old times, but I was stuck at home due to this stupid fuckin' virus, so what do you want? It's not like I could go see anybody at this particular moment, at the time of my writing this.
Anyway, I may be older now and have bigger problems to deal with, but my love for Mario games had never faded.
Although, I'd played this particular game before, to completion. I knew it's ins and outs. Then again, that was true of every Mario game, since I'd played them all, but I was getting particularly tired of Odyssey.
But what about some of the older Mario games? The ones I hadn't played in years? I had a Gamecube and a Wii as a kid, but after I moved out of my parent's house I only took the Switch and the Wii U.
And might I add, FUCK the Wii U, just so you know.
Luckily (or not-so-luckily, as you're about to find out) for people like me, Nintendo released Super Mario 3D All-Stars, which lets you play 3 classic games, Mario 64, Sunshine, and Galaxy, all on the Nintendo Switch.
I was originally not going to buy Mario 3D All-Stars, but after today, I closed out of Mario Odyssey, went to my computer, and decided "What the hell, I'll buy Mario 3D All-Stars."
I found a copy on eBay that had a decently short arrival time, so I bought it. To my surprise, I got a message from the seller almost immediately with a download code for the game. He said he couldn't send me a physical copy, which annoyed me because I specifically went to eBay to find a physical copy, hence why I didn't just search the Nintendo E-Shop for a digital download- but the game should work fine digitally.
I decided this was actually kind of perfect for me, because I needed my Mario fix fast. I opened the Nintendo E-Shop, typed in the code, and sure enough, it went through.
Although, one thing was a bit bizarre.
I got a message from the E-Shop that said "Warning. The following software cannot be verified by Nintendo. Download anyway?"
I clicked yes, not really caring that much- y'know, it was probably some kind of glitch, right?.
Right?
The game downloaded within about 15 minutes, and I headed back to the main menu.
That's when things got.......weird.
The game opened on the Nintendo Logo, but it was red and dripping with what was either mud, choco milk, or shit.
"NINTENDO!" screamed what sounded like a choir of demon Mario voices.
Alright, that was kinda fuckin' disturbing.
The menu screen was a shitty logo that just said "Mario" floating over a fucking real life city full of crime and shit. An uncharacteristic angry man's voice then said the word "MARIO" really fuckin' loudly.
Sure enough though, I then got the option to either select Mario 64, Mario Sunshine, or Mario Galaxy. I figured I'd go back to the beginning and play Mario 64.
For some reason, the logo of the game read "Mario 69". What the fuck? Were they trying to be immature and edgy now?
Menu options started showing up, so I clicked the one that said start, and then the game fucking blacked out to a ridiculously loud gunshot noise.
I waited for what felt like 90 fuckin' hours before the game finally loaded.
Whatever game started playing was NOT Mario 64.
It began with Mario and friends (several of whom weren't even supposed to be IN Mario 64) just chilling when suddenly, Bowser appeared and kidnapped Princess Peach.
I was expecting Mario to, y'know, go after Bowser, but to my shock and horror, he walked into some random house, opened the fridge, sat down on his ass, and started drinking a fucking Coors Light.
Beer is being sponsored now? What the fuck?
I was a bit surprised by the usage of a realistic fucking Coors Light beer in a Mario game, and the usage of any beer in general. Did Mario struggle with alcoholism now? Why the fuck wasn't he saving Princess Peach?
"I'm-a tired of this shit." Mario said, which I guess was kind of answer to my question.
That's when Mario whipped out a fucking credit card and started trying to snort a fat rail of cocaine off a table. I tried pressing the B button, but this only made Mario dice faster. The Home Button wouldn't work at all.
I did the only thing I could think of and powered off the Switch. That didn't work, so I tried just unplugging my fucking TV.
The game did not stop.
Mario suddenly looked up and a cartoony dialogue bubble appeared as he said "Please plug that back in" in his usual, happy voice.
I did not plug it back in.
Mario started reaching into his pocket.
The LOUDEST fucking screamo music I had ever heard started playing as Mario began to yell in the voice of a very angry American man as he pulled out a gun and the screen started to shake.
"PLUG THAT BACK IN, MOTHA FUCKA!" he started yelling over and over again.
I screamed.
Mario began cupping his hands to his cheeks mockingly and screaming back at me.
Then he said
"ARE YOU OK, DIPSHIT? YA GOT FUCKIN' PROBLEMS? PLUG THAT THE FU-"
The game finally died.
What. The. Hell? Seriously, what?
Against my better judgement, I plugged the TV back in.
The home screen was littered with fucking dead Miis.
This was just ridiculous. You probably know what Miis are- they're like little avatars you can make on the system. And they were fucking dead all over the screen.
The game then suddenly started playing again. It resumed right where it left off, with Mario on the couch.
"LUIGIIIIIII!" Mario SCREAMED.
"LET'S-A FUCKING GO!" Luigi WAILED as he BURST through the fucking ground revving a massive chainsaw.
Mario started cocking a fuckin' gun and they walked out the door to finally go defeat Bowser.
Finally, a gameplay segment.
The first level started normally.
I jumped on platforms and Goombas, collecting coins along the way.
Then my finger slipped and I hit the B button.
Suddenly, Mario took aim at the nearest Goomba and fucking shot him in a realistic explosion of gore.
Morbid curiosity got the better of me and I tried it again.
Mario killed another Goomba and started laughing.
I couldn't stop myself. I kept pressing the B button as Mario kept shooting and laughing, suddenly going on a really disturbing tangent about some kind of cleansing.
I almost shut the game off again after that, but I decided to finish the course.
Mario rolled up a blunt and started smoking as the game tallied up my points.
We then see him going to some Toad's House. In Mario games, this is usually where a Toad would award Mario with something, but this time, Mario KICKED the fucking door down, shot the Toad, and started taking like 9 thousand fucking powerups.
Mario walked out with HUGE pupils and collapsed.
The game suddenly cut to real life footage of a guy in a Mario suit lying on the side of the road.
Suddenly, a fucking demon starts shaking him awake, but the demon is Luigi, and Mario is just REALLY fucking high. What was with all the fucking adult content? This had to be some sick mod.
The game then randomly asked me if I wanted to play Luigi Mode.
The fuck was Luigi Mode?
What the hell, why not, I figured.
Luigi Mode was fucking bonkers.
For some reason, the gameplay system for Luigi was REALLY in-depth. There were multiple weapons I could select from, including one that looked like a fucking nuclear bomb. I picked the chainsaw, and Luigi immediately approached the nearest Goomba and sawed him in half as loud music started playing.
Luigi kept screaming and hollering as he approached the nearby Koopa Troopas and ripped their fucking shells off. This was even more brutal than Mario was.
I decided to select the nuclear bomb and end it all.
Immediately, Luigi pulled out a phone and called some angry dictator and started screaming at him to quote "send the nukes, biatch."
A missle then crashed in the distance and everything erupted in a massive graphic fucking explosion.
The message "Course Clear!" then appeared on screen as happy music started playing.
A cutscene then played.
We see Princess Peach taking a shit.
Bowser suddenly BURSTS through the door and says "Here's your toilet paper, honey!" in the voice of a middle aged man whilst dropping like 200 fucking boxes of Chinese takeout everywhere.
Peach screamed.
The game only got weirder from here.
There were 3 more levels in the first world that all involved even more blood and gore than the previous one, then finally, I reached the first boss fight.
His name... was Linclio.
He was supposed to be some weird parody of Abraham Lincoln, but he looked like a fucking Middle Eastern Wario with a neckbeard and a big top hat.
I guess I could kind of see the resemblance.
It was the hardest boss fight I'd ever played in a Mario game. Linclio would glitch half the fucking screen and kill you at random.
When I finally beat him, he randomly turned into the "V for Vendetta" mask before static images of the fucking Joker started flooding the screen.
The longer I played through the game, the weirder the boss fights got. Metal Mario showed up at one point, but he kept yelling "METAL MARIO GETS WHAT METAL MARIO WANTS" in a very uncharacteristic voice. The boss fight ended with Luigi pulling out a fucking flamethrower and melting Metal Mario down.
"That-a fire sure is-a hot, Luigi." Mario said. "You know what-a would help?"
"What, Mario?" Luigi replied.
"Cold Stone Ice-a-cream!" Mario said as he suddenly whipped out a bunch of Cold Stone Ice Cream and started fucking shilling for Cold Stone for like half an hour.
That was fucking enough. I closed out of Mario 69 and decided to play Mario Galaxy instead.
At the start of "Mario Galaxy", I was greeted to Mario shoving a purple marker up his ass to hard rock music. Seriously? Fucking seriously? Sony and Microsoft were just about to release their brand new next-gen consoles, and the best they can do is Mario shoving a fucking marker up his ass?
The game abruptly cut to Mario on some other planet picking tulips. A text box appeared above Mario's head that said "Ah, marijuana."
"What the FUCK? That's not marijuana, those are fucking tulips!" I yelled out loud exasperatedly.
Somehow, the game fucking heard me.
Mario dropped his tulips, and the next scene was horrifying.
The game zoomed incredibly close to Mario's face as the graphics became disturbingly realistic. I could see the fucking pores on Mario's skin, and his eyes suddenly looked like large, incredibly life-like human eyes. His nose was COVERED in fucking zits, and his moustache hairs were rendered at an extremely high realistic graphical quality.
"It's marijuana."
Mario said in a deep, American voice. It sounded like he was being voiced by Sam Elliott.
I literally screamed. How the fuck was the Switch even able to handle such high graphics?
Mario then started ripping a massive blunt as the song "Mask Off" by Future started playing. The song sounded like it was playing throughout my entire fucking house. How the hell was this happening? Was *I* fucking high?
I then noticed that fucking pot smoke had started coming out of the fucking Switch somehow, so apparently the answer was yes.
Mario then burped at the fucking screen and I could fucking smell it. It smelled like bad breath and stale HALLS cough drops.
I was beginning to seriously wonder what fucking coke'd out, meth'd out, herion'd out, crack'd out, roided out fucking paranoid trip I was on when suddenly words began appearing on the screen.
"Every copy of Mario 3D All-Stars is personalized."
What was this about? How in the world could every single copy of this game be personalized?
Mario then said "fuck this" in angry voice, decided to stop exploring the galaxy, got in a fucking Jeep(™) and somehow drove straight through the fucking Sun down to Earth, crashing straight into some guy's fucking apartment. This played out much like a very disturbing version of a Simpson's Couch Gag.
Apparently it was supposed to be Halloween, because a bunch of kids started knocking on the door asking for candy, which happened to be sitting in a bowl next to Mario.
"Mario's-a coming!" Mario said cheerfully, but the impatient kids started fucking knocking harder.
"I said-a MARIO'S-A COMING!" Mario yelled.
The knocking got even stronger.
"KNOCK IT OFF!" Mario SCREAMED with a loud, uncharacteristic voice (again) before he opened the door and fucking dumped candy all over the kids, who cheered UPROARIOUSLY.
Mario then opened a microwave, pulled out the biggest fucking burrito I had ever scene, and threw it out the window, causing a MASSIVE fucking traffic jam below the apartment.
The game then fucking ended and told me I got the secret ending of Mario Galaxy.
We see Mario going to the Moon and detonating a fucking nuke on it, causing it to rain down to Earth and cause the fucking apocalypse.
I sighed and decided to try Mario Sunshine for the heck of it. After what I had just seen, I honestly don't know what I was expecting, but even still, I was a bit shocked when the title suddenly read "Mario Moonshine".
I clicked on it and the game was just Mario sitting at a fuckin' desk drinking illegal alcohol. I know it was illegal alcohol because there was a fuckin' wrapper on the bottle that said "illegal". This just seemed like a lame attempt to look edgy and cool.
I pressed the B button and Mario backflipped off the desk so fuckin' hard he tore it out of the ground and sent it flying through the roof to an incredibly loud fuckin' BOOM. Mario was exceedingly drunk, it seemed. The game let me play as Mario, but I was hopping through a fuckin' kitchen and breaking pots and pans and shit before Mario fell over in a drunken stupor and fucking vomited everywhere.
Well, that was a bit gross. Mario then kept getting up and falling down over and over again.
"Call-A FUCKING Ambulance!" Mario SCREAMED. A fake phone appeared on the screen and the game made me type "911" into it.
Mario then said "Remember-a kids, don't-a call 911 unless there's an emergency. OR ELSE!"
Alright, what the FUCK was the point of that? Were parents just neglecting to tell their kids not to fucking troll 911 these days?
I had completely and totally seen enough. I closed out of the game.
Be careful with Mario 3D All-Stars, folks.
Because ever copy,
Every single one,
Is personalized.
Who knows what you'd find?
Credited to Chimichangar
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