Martin Scorsese (The Muppet Show Lost Episode)
Hey neighbour, I was fixing myself a nice cup of coffee and then I realised I was out of sugar I was wondering if I could borrow some of yours? Oh what's that? You don't have any sugar on you right now, hmm well then perhaps instead of that I could maybe tell you a little story about the time I got fired from my job as a maintenance worker at Disney HQ. Allow me to shed a little light on the subject. I got myself a job at Disney back in 2011 during a time when the world wasn't made of bricks and no one had to pay for air! A much simpler time but also a much more dangerous time as Disney HQ back in those days was ran by the local Mob who always had their say in every decision that Disney made. I applied to be a script writer, but the execs at Disney thought that my skills would be better suited for that of a maintenance worker. It had been the Kameal Brothers who had influenced Disney to make this decision as they were known to be major shareholders in the company at that time, and they regularly harassed me because I look a bit like a frog. Don't believe a word of it!! I assure you I am no frog I am a man with a plan as they say in New Hampshire. I got off to a bad start on my very first day, when I accidentally set fire to the entire kitchen. The miserable head chef; Gordon Potts looked at me with contempt as he remarked, "bloody hell!" Thankfully, the fire was put out as it was only a very minor one, but from that point onwards I had gained myself the nickname of The Burner much to my grievance. I never wanted a nickname! Especially one of such harshness! That very same day, I also earned myself two arch nemesis in the form of the aforementioned head chef: Gordon Potts and casting director; Big Sal.
Gordon Potts was very dangerous as he didn't know the first thing about running a kitchen. The kitchens at Disney were always incredibly dangerous as Mr Potts brought his big hairy Doberman to work with him, and allowed for the mutt to run wild around the entire place getting fur in all of the food which 9 times out of 10 puts someone right off their steak, and quite rightfully so! He also never helped his employees out when they were in times of need. For example one time, one of Pott's employees and an old friend of mine from high school named Eddie accidentally found himself in a real pickle. You see; one day, Potts had tasked Eddie with moving a huge pot of boiling hot stock over to another part of the kitchen. "Oh it's a bit hot!" Eddie complained as he went over to another part of the kitchen and got a big pair of incredibly smelly and sweaty gloves. He tried to get Potts to give him some help, but Potts simply responded by holding his hand in Eddie's direction as if to say, "just get on with it!" Needless to say, Eddie failed to hold the huge pot of boiling hot stock and he ended up burning to death after the pot spilled right on top of him. Okay, I'm exaggerating but Eddie ended up looking some kind of Freddy Krueger and was forced to take up a job as a street poet in a rough neighbourhood dominated by fire flies. I openly roasted Potts at a company luncheon over how appalled I was at the handling of the Eddie situation, and this is what lead to me earning his wrath.
Unbeknownst to me, I became the subject of Potts' harsh pranks. One time, Potts slipped laxatives into my soup and this is led to a rather embarrassing incident when I was asked to introduce myself to a bunch of the company's shareholders at a meeting which forbade bathroom breaks. Let's just say; I should not have worn my white pants to work that day! Aside from disfiguring my friend Eddie for life, I also knew that Potts was getting his supplies from shall we say less than reputable sources such as a truck found in the middle of a ditch. The truck was carrying bags upon bags of smelly quiche, and the truck driver offered to hand over the supplies to Potts in exchange for $35. Oh what a bargain! The quiche was incredibly rotten and it caused the entire company to suffer a severe case of food poisoning. The worse kind of food poisoning that has ever been yet known. Gordon Potts was a tight fisted hand at the grindstone! He often hired very incompetent workers and didn't even bother checking if they were actually qualified or not. He gave a job to his daughter which may sound really sweet, hut his daughter is a right onion no seriously her head is an onion. How delightfully Yorkshire Tea. She always handles raw chicken with her bare hands and starts making out with it which as you might expect causes a massive case of cross contamination. Now, in spite of all these things, Potts isn't actually that bad as he's nothing more than a mild case of constipation compared to the big cheese; that being Big Sal!
Oh my lord! Big Sal has hated me ever since the day we met even though I never did anything to him. I had actually gone to school with Sal many moons ago, and he used to regularly torment me by stuffing ass noodles down my shirt collar day in and day out. I really wanted Big Sal to like me as I knew that he was in tight with the higher ups at Disney and I wanted to get myself a paid paying job at the company. I tried loads of different things to try and get Sal to notice my hard work like making a short film for him to present at an annual company picnic. The short film was about an onion that wanted to murder people, but was held back in life by a platoon of religious hot dog zealots. The short film was very dark and Big Sal claimed it would scare people away. That prick is one big hypocrite however as he and his production team have just gotten the greenlight from Disney to make an animated movie all about guess what? That's right! A hotdog and an onion! I can't believe that he would steal my idea! Bully me all you want Big Sal, but you don't steal a man's idea. Not even Sollozzo would sink that low! I also once tried impressing Big Sal by making something known as the ultimate teapot. You see; as a result of a certain virus we have at the moment, tea making at Disney has become a little tricky as they are trying their best to stick to the social distancing quota. I made this thing known as The Extra Long Tea Pot which is basically an ordinary teapot but with an extremely long spout. With the extra long spout, you will be able to pour tea in cups as far north as Frisco. Sadly, it all went pear shaped when i ended up poking someone's eye out with the spout. I was then given my final warning by Big Sal, and he told me that if I made one more big mistake my ass would be history.
Now the story of I how got fired all started on a miserably hot afternoon you know the ones. I was in the staff room looking for a big bag of sugar when Big Sal came in from behind me and threw me down onto the ground. Once he had floored me, Big Sal pointed his feather at me and yelled, "you should of been looking where you're going shithead!" What made Big Sal so dangerous was the fact he held so much power within Disney's inner circle, and this meant that no one could lay a finger upon him. There were plenty of witnesses to him flooring me, even an executive saw it but he was very cynical and demanded that I get back to work. After everyone left the staff room to go back to their work, I was picked up by Big Sal who said, "I've got big plans for you my boy, Big plans." "Yeah... like I've never heard that one before." I remarked in a rather sarcastic tone which caused Big Sal to slap me very aggressively with his left flipper as he yelled, "don't sass me ya cheeky little fucker!" Basically, Big Sal wanted me to check up on the projector on the 12rh floor as apparently it didn't seem to be working. Oh, I agreed to fix the projector just as long as Sal issued me an apology. "Oh I'm so sorry!" Big Sal proclaimed while getting extra close to my face. He also laughed the smuggest laugh that I have ever heard, but I didn't have time to dwell on that however as Sal had dragged me by the ear towards the elevator. Sal left me to take the elevator up to the 12th floor. Oh man, the 12th floor is horrid and very scary! There's loads of hornet nests up there as a result of the ceiling panels not being very good and there's also rumours about a ghost being in the restroom. As some people claim to see an elderly man in a red lumberjack outfit watching them while they take a dump.
After a brisk walk through the 12th floor, I arrived at the projector room and found that a janitor named Mike was mopping the floors. We exchanged some friendly words and I set to work on the projector. There was nothing really wrong with it. The reason it wasn't working is because a wasp was trapped inside of the feed tray. I took the wasp out and crushed to death with my bare hands as I declared a job done. This was when I noticed a small film reel sat on the table next to the projector. The film reel had a sticky note on it which read, "Muppet Show MS." There was also a warning written in olive oil which read, "DO NOT WATCH! ACTUALLY YOU CAN WATCH IT IF YOU WANT TO, BUT DON'T EAT ANYTHING OKAY LOVE CAUSE YOU MIGHT GET SICK REAL QUICK!" I ignored that warning because I'm pretty dumb and I asked Mike if he wanted to watch the reel with me. "Why do you want to watch it anyhow?" Mike asked as he pulled two chairs out from his ass. "Because I want to prove to Big Sal that I am capable of things by checking to see if this reel has any bugs or glitches before I take it with me to the viewing room on 5th." I explained. I was actually a pretty big fan of The Muppets and watched their show and Muppets Tonight countless times as a kid much to the chagrin of my mother who hated the Muppets. My mother was a very angry Shrek looking woman who once threw my Kermit and Miss Piggy plushies out of the window. I wiped some sweat from my brow as Mike set the projector up, Smoke started coming out from it which I laughed at. Yeah, I'm not very smart but can you blame me honestly?
On the projector screen, a brief promo came on which featured two Claymation monsters named Morrie and Bertie. Morrie ended up beating up Bertie as he then cried at the top of his lungs, "what have I done!?" There was another promo which had Rilla Roo sitting in a large office settling some accounts but he ended up getting distracted by typing up a story all about a farmer who had an ass for a face but he owned a pony which could projectile vomit golden nuggets. It was quite a read but sadly the computer ended catching a nasty virus which caused Rilla Roo to lose his cool and throw his computer at the wall. He then proceeded to leap up into the air and he ended up jumping onto the ground with so much force that he fell through the floor down towards the very bottom floor of the building. After those two hot promos finally ended, the theme song to The Muppet Show began but it wasn't right. For starters, all of the Muppets kept walking into walls and each other. There was a brief plug for Coronation Street as there's a scene involving Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie sitting on a sofa and talking about how they love to have a cuppa and a crumpet while watching Corrie on the telly. Mike grabbed his hair in distress as he yelled, "I can't take this!" He then proceeded to jump out of a nearby window which I laughed at. I never liked Mike anyway after he got the police to look into my many parking fines. I'd of gotten away with it too had it not been for him! The intro then played like normal, but during the part where Gonzo plays his trumpet it blew out French fries which caused Gonzo to look very aroused as he said, "ooh sea sick." I couldn't be too sure, but Gonzo sounded like he was Polish for that two seconds. He didn't sound like that for the remainder of the episode, so I'm guessing the creators had to get whoever was on set to record that line for him.
The episode then started inside a large café inside the Muppet Theatre, Kermit was shown drinking a cup of tea and crying about how he had no more guests left to appear on the show and that now the Russian Mafia who own the Theatre were now breathing down his neck. Many of Kermit's fellow Muppets including Rizzo had began gambling at the Russian's private club and during one of these gambling games, Rizzo ended up handing the ownership papers over to the Russians. Kermit was deathly afraid of them as the last time he upset them they ended up beating the snot out of him with an old rocking chair which was covered in spider webs. Not wanting to see Kermit spend the entire day sulking, Miss Piggy came in and said, "oh Kermie stop being such a sissy fuck. I got you a little present." I vomited out of my ears after hearing Miss Piggy say that. Who taught you guys such vile phrases? Kermit then turned to face Miss Piggy and asked, "a present really is it?" "This!" Miss Piggy proclaimed as she yanked three red tickets out from her ear. These were not just any tickets however as these were actually entrance tickets to the most exclusive and successful nightclub in the entire neighbourhood. In truth, Kermit had always wanted to go there, but he could never get a table as you needed to book there well in advance. The nightclub was named, "The De Niro Plunge," and it was everything that Kermit's theatre aspired to be. That's when Kermit noticed there were actually three tickets not just two which is when he asked, "hey hang on a second there's three tickets here so who are we...." He was cut off from his speech as Gonzo came crashing down the halls on his brand new motorbike. "Did somebody call the Sinker?" Gonzo asked Kermit. No they didn't Gonzo you hook nosed salmon finger!
The episode then cut to show Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Gonzo standing outside The De Niro Plunge in a massive que, but that's when the bouncer recognised the Muppets as he came up to them and asked, "oh my gosh are you the Muppets?" "Well yeah...." Kermit was rudely cut off by the bouncer who pulled the red rope up as he yelled, "well come on in!" He yelled that so loud that it made Kermit grimace violently. The trio made their way inside the nightclub which had a door that was shaped like Robert De Niro's nose hole, and never in his entire life had Kermit seen anything as beautiful as the club in question. It was beautiful and there loads of really snooty guests at the club who glared angrily at the Muppets as they made their way through the club towards the main sitting area where the entertainment was going to start. They sat down at their table as Kermit began scanning through the menu. He gulped heavily. He had no idea the prices would be this high! The incredibly fat manager then came up to the Muppets and introduced himself as being Mr Foxy who announced that he would be performing music for tonight's show, and he would be delighted if the Muppets could rate his performance as he was massive fans of them. "Well sure, we'd love to." Kermit said before continuing with, "but I must ask; do you get any celebrities like really famous ones in this joint or..." Once again, Kermit was cut off as Mr Foxy proclaimed, "well...nope. But for one night only, you can talk to our temp bartender Robert De Niro." "What is Robbie De Niro doing working at a nightclub?" Gonzo asked while puffing on a massive cigar. "He's working temp so his agent has landed him a role in this big blockbuster all about a bartender who becomes a bishop with a plan. A plan to rob the Savings And Loan." "Sounds like a pot smashing riot." I remarked while eating some shrimp tales. Where had I gotten the shrimp tales from? Well my friends, I had stolen them from Big Sal's locker. Screw with me you pay the price!
Before Kermit had a chance to question Mr Foxy further, overly loud music started to blast through the speakers as Mr Foxy and his smelly backup dancers then appeared on the show and began to sing a song. It was all about how Mr Foxy longed to find a fox. Particularly, an abusive fox who runs a floral shop down in Florida. "I'm looking for a fox. I'm looking for a fox." Mr Foxy sang. Kind of ironic he's singing about looking for a fox when his surname is Foxy isn't it my pork? The song was very cringey which mainly came as a result of the horrid background dancers. It was so bad that I got ready to turn the projector off, but that's when Robert De Niro's face came on screen. He was taking up the entire screen and I could see his nose hairs. Robert De Niro pointed at me as he yelled, "oi! Don't you dare press that stop button! The game could change." "What are you talking about?" I asked as I sat back, but I got no answer as De Niro's face had already left the screen. Having nothing better to do anyway, I decided to just watch the rest of the damn episode in order to see what De Niro meant by saying, "the game could change." The Muppets left their tables mid-song which caused Mr Foxy to look at their now empty seats while pulling an incredibly sad face. I don't even think he was acting. I personally believe he was genuinely upset that his idols had not enjoyed his little song. Well I'll be honest with you matey, I didn't really like it all that much either! The Muppets made their way over to the bartender who was indeed Robert De Niro but he was wearing a dusty old fedora on his head which was drenched in cod liver which made Gonzo gag violently as it reminded him of a dodgy salad he had at Souplantation that morning before coming to work. Gonzo ran over to a nearby dustbin and started vomiting violently out of his beaky nose.
Robert De Niro did not bother to help Gonzo, for he was busy getting interrogated by Kermit and Miss Piggy. "Robert? Robert De Niro?" Asked Kermit to which Robert De Niro responded by saying, "might be. Whose asking?" Miss Piggy then grabbed hold of De Niro's shirt collar and thrusted him across the table to face with her and Kermit. "Are you Robert De Niro or not?" Miss Piggy asked as she got ready to skin De Niro alive with her claws. I didn't even know that pigs could have claws, but whatever I'll buy it at a high price! That's when Robert De Niro brought up the fact that he actually appeared on The Muppet Show many moons ago, and he couldn't understand how and why the Muppets were unable to recognise him. "But you're so.... old." Kermit said while pulling the smelliest face you'd ever see. De Niro politely but sternly at the same time turned down Kermit's offer to appear at the Muppet Theatre citing that he had a good thing going with his jo as a bartender at The De Niro Plunge. The club had been named after him and him alone after all. "You're the boss." Gonzo said having recovered from his whole vomiting ordeal as he then asked, "surly you can take just one day off from work right?" Having finally had enough of the Muppets and their zany antics, De Niro grabbed a hold of Gonzo's beaky nose and threatened him with, "I'm not the owner me buddy Martin is the owner. He's in the backroom playing Tic Tac Toe with the crows." "Martin who?" Gonzo asked as tears began to form in his eye. "You got a brain in that oversized head of your son? It's Martin Scorsese who else could be?" De Niro asked rhetorically as he released his grip on Gonzo's nose. Kermit and Miss Piggy looked at each other and then back at De Niro as they both asked in unison, "Martin.... Martin Scorsese?"
Yes indeed, the nightclub was owned by Martin Scorsese and he had named the club The De Niro Plunge after his dearest friend Robbie. That's when I recalled something the sign above the door of the club had a large neon picture of Robert De Niro on it. Oh buggering buggerton why did I fail to bring this fact up until now? Scorsese was sitting in his office playing Tic Tac Toe when Kermit came in wearing a fancy tailored suit. Where did he get that suit from? An incredibly fat oil salesman who he skinned and ate the liver of. Yeah look it up, Kermit's a sick frog. Kermit pulled himself up a chair as Scorsese asked with an iconic grin, "what can I do for you Mr Frog?" Kermit was very rude during his interactions with Scorsese and basically demanded that he come to the Theatre to act as the guest for their next episode. In spite of Kermit's rude attitude towards him, ole Scorsese smiled an ear to ear grin as he had always dreamed of being in The Muppet Show. He had even made himself a puppet based on the show and showed it Kermit. It looked bloody awful as it was missing an eye and the nose had cockroaches coming out from it. However, that's when Scorsese slapped himself on his head as he said, "oh my wickers son! I cannot come to your theatre tonight you see; I've got this big important thing on and...." Gonzo pushed Kermit out of the chair and placed a large stack of Dominos onto the table. He challenged Scorsese to a game of Dominos, but Scorsese was confused and asked, "but I said I'd come to your theatre tomorrow just not tonight." That's when Gonzo made the biggest mistake of his life. He yelled at Scorsese and called him an old fart with smelly ears.
Martin Scorsese started tearing up into his large smelly handkerchief and I started doing the exact same thing. Seeing my sweet Scorsese sob like that made my ass leak water. Yes, seriously my ass leaks water it's quite serious so please don't laugh okay love? Don't think I can't see you smirking behind your hand there! Scorsese grabbed Gonzo by the neck as he yelled, "you dare to mock me boyio? I have shopping malls that I would not employ you clowns in for a million years." Sensing that Gonzo's outburst had cost them the chances of having Scorsese perform at their theatre, Kermit then proceeded to challenge Scorsese to a game of Dominos. "Start talking cookie." Scorsese said as he held a revolver towards Kermit's shivering head. The rules of this particular Dominos games were very simple indeed. If Scorsese won, the Muppets would be forced to leave the De Niro Plunge empty handed, but if Kermit won Scorsese would have to come with the Muppets first thing tonight! "You got yourself a deal son." Scorsese said as he and Kermit shook hands. Sadly, the Dominos game ended up going terribly as Kermit didn't really know how to play the game and Scorsese ended up yelling at him for a good half hour. Though a very nice old man, Scorsese had a temper and he could be quite scary a fact that Kermit had learned the hard way. Scorsese eventually gave up and grew tired of waiting Kermit to finish his go. He got up from his chair and flipped the Domino pieces into the air as he ordered for his security to escort the Muppets off from the premises much to Kermit's chagrin.
The screen then cut to show a dimly lit alleyway located just north of The De Niro Plunge. A small car was sitting there, and the trio were thrown into the back of the car by Robert De Niro on the orders of Martin Scorsese who smiled gleefully as it happened. Kermit after falling into the trunk of the car looked at Scorsese who simply responded with, "sorry kid it's just business." De Niro then slammed the trunk of the car down, but he failed to lock it which allowed for the Muppets to escape the scene undetected. They were going to need stronger tactics! Sometime later, Scorsese was shown back in his office reading a book on traditionally made Swedish meatballs when he heard someone a knocking at his door. "The door's open." Scorsese said as he went back to reading his book, but the person behind it would not stop knocking. "Oh for crying out loud!" Scorsese bellowed as he got up from his chair farting violently as he did so. He made his way over to the door and opened it only to get knocked down onto the ground after it was kicked open by Miss Piggy. "Grab him by the feet." Miss Piggy commanded as her rat minions grabbed a hold of Scorsese's shoes and threw him into a massive trunk. Carrying the trunk to the back entrance of the nightclub, Miss Piggy using all of her strength was able to throw the trunk into the back of a rusty old blue Cadillac which was being driven by the Swedish Chef. Well it didn't last long as when the car got a few blocks down the road, a plate of spaghetti which the Swedish Chef had sitting on the seat next to him ended up coming to live and it strangled Swedish Chef to death. I never liked that prick anyway as he known to not pay his taxes. Yeah, I sure do love taxes have you got a problem with that? Oh my wickers! This episode would appear to be turning me into the rather cynical shithead wouldn't it my pork?
I relaxed into my seat and poured myself a glass of ass when Big Sal came and asked, "what is the hold up with that projector punk ass?" Big Sal then took one look at the screen which had a still image of Kermit humping a fire hydrant and this caused him to start breaking down and crying. When I asked why he was crying, Big Sal told me that a fire hydrant killed his father. I laughed like a mad man or rather a mad Robert De Niro. Wink. This caused Big Sal to glare at me, but he couldn't do anything to me now as he was just as curious as I was in seeing how the rest of this episode played out. When he awoke, Martin Scorsese found himself stuck on the ceiling of the backstage at the Muppet Theatre, Fozzie Bear was trying his best to get Scorsese down from the ceiling by using a broomstick. He ended up hitting Scorsese in the stomach which caused him to yelp in pain as he yelled, "hey stop that shit asshole!" Fozzie then tried his best to entertain Mr Scorsese by trying out his new fart shoe routine which he practised on the penguins some moons ago. Though the penguins enjoyed the performance very much, Scorsese grimaced as he had never liked fart jokes and he called Fozzie stupid for thinking that would make him laugh. Fozzie was then carried off set by two of Kermit's bodyguards and he ordered the pair to throw Fozzie into the furnace as that's where all unfunny Muppets go. Sorry Fozzie it's chicken town now. In any case, the screen cut to black and when it came back it showed Scorsese back on the ground chatting with Kermit. "I simply must go!" Scorsese sang as he made his way towards the fire exit only for Kermit to say, "but won't you stay for lunch? We're about to have some sausage and peppers. Real Sicilian style." Scorsese then looked at Kermit with an iconic Scorsese grin that only a Scorsese could pull.
The Muppet Labs segment then came on, and Doctor Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker were shown collecting some money for a collection tin. Honeydew pointed at the screen and asked, "what might I put you down for?" "Nothing." I responded which Honeydew to ask, "you wish to remain a hippopotamus?" I groaned heavily into my sleeve collar as the rest of the segment played out like normal... well at least it did at first anyway. Honeydew was yapping on and on about these earwigs he had created which could live inside someone's brain and make them smarter. He wished to test the earwigs out on Beaker who was having none of it. "Meep meep!" Beaker cried but it was no use as Honeydew began shoving the earwigs out from the jar into Beaker's earhole as he laughed, "oh come now Beaker don't be silly! This won't hurt a bit!" Oh Honeydew you sweet little garden pea when does it not hurt? When does it not hurt? Nothing happened for five seconds, but Beaker then started screaming in pain as earwig after earwig after earwig started falling out from his ear. These were mutant earwigs which had super sharp teeth and were covered in disgusting red hairs. Honeydew laughed while making notes on a clipboard as both he and Beaker were consumed in the river of monster earwigs.
After the Muppet Labs segment ended, Gonzo was shown walking down the street when he saw what looked like a bicycle parked outside the local candy store. Gonzo made his way over to the bicycle only to for someone to stick their leg out at the last second. Gonzo tripped over the leg as someone asked him in a very condescending tone of voice, "oh sweetheart did you hurt yourself?" Gonzo looked up to whoever had tripped him up, and was horrified to find himself being confronted by Hector Alcazar a major drug baron who was a known patron to the Muppet Theatre whenever he and his boys spent an infrequent night out on the town. Alcazar had attended Fordham with Scooter's uncle who owned the Theatre, and Scooter's uncle looking to repay his dear friend offered him free visits to the Theatre whenever he wanted. Alcazar was a very scary man as he had his men pin Gonzo to the ground. What's with all the Gonzo abuse lately? If I was you friend, I'd seriously consider donating to the Gonzo Trust Fund. Anyways, Hector Alcazar pulled a switch blade out from his pocket and held it towards Gonzo's neck as he said, "where is Mr Scorsese?" "I don't know." Gonzo said which caused Alcazar to jam a huge splinter right through Gonzo's beaky nose. Gonzo's eyes watered as Alcazar said, "you see; the problem is I'm having all of these doubts enter my mind. I heard from a little birdie that ole Scorsese was doing our show at your Theatre is that correct?" "Yes but..." Gonzo was cut off Alcazar had him picked up from the ground by his henchmen. "Maybe we'll pay a little visit." Alcazar threatened as he rubbed the switch blade mockingly along Gonzo's head. Hector threatened Gonzo that if he lied to him he would end up getting sold to Grandmother Darth Vader who was very racist towards aliens. There was also the fear in Gonzo's head that Alcazar may do something even worse than that, but he didn't have time to think about these things right now as he was rudely thrown into the back of Alcazar's smelly van.
Back at the Muppet Theatre, Scorsese was getting ready to perform his own segment for the Muppets' new show. After Kermit got done doing his whole introductory spiel, Scorsese was brought onto the stage accompanied by Sam The Eagle, Ralph The Dog, and a human man named Gus Polinski who was the poker king of the Midwest. Perhaps you've heard of him? I know I certainly have! The scene then transitioned to show Scorsese, Sam, Ralph, and Polinski sitting in an old Italian looking diner. They were mimicking the scene from the movie Goodfellas with Ralph telling Scorsese that he was a very funny little duckling which Scorsese to ask, "funny how? Funny like I'm a clown I amuse you." I chuckled at the Goodfellas homage, but that's when the scene turned weird when Sam The Eagle and Ralph both pulled out tommy guns and aimed them directly at Gus Polinski. Polinski remained rather impassive about the whole thing as he asked, "is there any particular reason why you're giving me such a hard time?" "Sorry Gus, but the poker business is mine now. You should have paid your debts." Scorsese said as he ordered Sam and Ralph to shoot Polinski, but he was able to defeat the pair by grabbing them by the neck. Once in his hands, Polinski proclaimed, "poker twist!" He then proceeded to twist the pair to the point of no return. The curtains were then drawn and the segment came to an abrupt end as Kermit didn't want to get sued. "And now it's time for A Close Shave starring Rizzo The Rat!" Kermit proclaimed as he started dancing like he was on crack.
A Close Shave featured Rizzo receiving a visit from Robert De Niro who had apparently not been tipped off about Scorsese doing The Muppet Show. That's when he noticed Rizzo holding a razer and a can of shaving cream. De Niro rubbed his chin knowingly as he sang, "first Sir I would like a shave." De Niro sat down on the chair as Rizzo began applying the shaving cream to De Niro's chinny chin chin. Suddenly, De Niro's chin turned green as it began to froth like a can of coca cola. "Huh?" Rizzo asked dumbfounded as he looked at the can of shaving cream only to be horrified to discover that it was not shaving cream it was actually Super Deadly Poisonous Foam For The Adventurous Slug. The foam was meant to be used for slugs that break into people's cars because slugs are monsters didn't you know? Robert De Niro's jaw ended up melting off and that's when Rizzo gave him a mirror in order to see the damage that had been done. De Niro gasped at the sight, and he was shocked in fact that his jaw ended up falling off. The camera then panned down towards the broken jaw which seemed to be looking at the screen as it actually started speaking with, "I told you the game could change." "Yeah you did actually." I said as I looked over to see what Big Sal was doing. He had huddled into a ball on the other side of the room and was sobbing heavily like a little turkey sandwich. Serves you right Big Sal! Now if only, ole Potts can come up here too then we would really be in the money!
The episode then did a rather smelly cut to a brand scene which featured a parody of The Godfather. Kermit was shown lying in a massive bed. He felt something at the foot of the bed, and lifted up the sheets only to see the decapitated head of a penguin. Kermit screamed in pain as this was not in the script as it was supposed to be celery sticks that were in the bed with him not a decapitated penguin head. Kermit was very much afraid of celery sticks as his old love Edmer left him for a bag of celery sticks many moons ago. Even longer now than it may seem to be. So sad. Kermit headed backstage and asked Scooter what the heck was going on. "How the heck should I know Kermit?" Scooter asked as he was busy trying to sort out Martin Scorsese's next scene which would be a scene where Scorsese gets into a Taxi cab that is being driven by a monster hybrid Muppet named Joe who used to work as a fencer in London back in the 1990's. I would know. I sold him my old shower curtain rings as the old Joe did indeed have a thing for shower curtains just like the papers had once claimed. Before Kermit could question Scorsese about what was happening with tonight's show, the door to the Theatre swung open as Hector Alcazar came in accompanied by a huge gang of shotgun wielding assassins. "You took Scorsese away from me Kermit! Now I'm gonna make you pay!" Alcazar yelled at the very top of his lungs as his eyes turned red for a brief momento. Gonzo was still being held captive by Alcazar then suggested using mores code. Alcazar rolled his eyes at that and then proceeded to shoot Gonzo in the head with his 1911 Colt handgun killing him instantly. They can't hurt you anymore Gonzo!
Why did Hector Alcazar care so much about Kermit stealing Martin Scorsese? Well you see; Scorsese was actually planning on making a biography all about Scorsese's past life and his decent into the criminal underworld. Alcazar was going to be playing himself in the film. He wouldn't even need to act. He would just have to be himself. Alcazar and Scorsese had spent the last couple nights at The De Niro Plunge working over the script to the film. When Alcazar learned that Scorsese was doing the Muppet Show, he assumed that Scorsese was flaking out on him purpose and it caused him to fly a little bit off the handle. "Well gee I'm so sorry." Kermit apologized in a rather nasty tone which seems very out of character for someone of his standing in the frog trade, but I shan't let it worry me too much. Well I'll certainly try to anyway. "Well is there anything we can do to make up for it?" Miss Piggy asked as a massive cartoon lightbulb appeared above Alcazar's head as he proclaimed, "I have an idea!" Much to Kermit's chagrin, he was forced under threat of death to make a show all about his son William. William was a man but he looked remarkedly like a Muppet. He spent his entire episode flexing his muscles, and Kermit was forced by Alcazar to complement his son's muscle mass. After that, the episode ended with the normal credits which had William dancing with Kermit over them. There was a post credit scene which featured Statler and Waldorf snorting crack I think or some kind of drug. Statler took a big old snot of the stuff as he joked, "what a crack up!" The pair began laughing hysterically as they had gone quite insane. Well this episode had not been very kind towards Gonzo and Fozzie, so I'm honestly not all that surprised that those two also ended up getting shafted.
After the episode ended, I barely had any time to collect my thoughts as the door to the projecting room was kicked open by a band of pirates... or rather a band of Disney execs led by a mouse with a severe nose injury. The mouse pointed at me with contempt as he said to the execs, "I've had a tip off. He's the culprit that you seek." I found myself pinned to the wall by the rough and tough Disney execs who basically told me that I was going to be fired as they believed I had personally made the episode in an attempt to defame the Jim Henson Company. Furthermore, they also believed I was using the episode to torture poor ole Big Sal who was crying in the corner begging for fish and chips. I tried to explain my case to the annoying Disney execs but they responded to my pleas by having me thrown out of the building. No joke, they actually threw me out of the window and the only reason I survived was because I ended up getting my leg caught on a nearby clothes line. I was thankfully eventually helped down by a band of firemen who may or may not have been on the Molinari Family's payroll but perhaps it's best that we never know. Not wanting to end up on Disney's hit list, I ended up faking my death and I moved all the way to Greenfield, Empire Bay where I became quite infamous for pestering neighbours for a bag of sugar. All my neighbours groan heavily when they see me as I seem to be always running out of sugar, but what they fail to realise is that I truly want is a friend. Only joking, I'm just really bad at keeping sugar and I keep losing it. i need to get myself a sheep tank to tie around those damn bags of sugar.
So there you have it. I guess it's true what they say. Society is to blame. This was the reason I got fired from Disney. How could I ever have been stupid as to watch that damn episode? I should have left it play with Big Sal in the room and then maybe I could have tricked Disney into thinking Sal was responsible for it's inception, but as it stands it was sadly just not meant to be. My life has been upturned ever since I got fired with my fat ass wife cheating on and eventually leaving me for an incredibly cool walrus gangster who is known for shooting penguins that occupy street corners. The penguins dance to impress the walrus, but all they get is a shotgun shell to the face. And that's honestly kind of sad. Not too sad just a little bit. I've got nothing else to say so I guess we're gonna have to end it here, but do come back soon though please. I've got lots of stories to tell. Oh and before we close off, you'll never guess what just happened. Underneath my sink, I found myself a whole package of sugar ha ha. So I guess ha ha I guess I won't be needing yours then will I? Oh and one more thing, I learned from my contact at Disney HQ that the episode I watched was actually just some raunchy joke episode that was made for a Christmas staff party back when The Muppet Show was still airing. Well that's good to know.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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