Mary-Sue Perfectpants
Mary Sue the Killer by Shittyauthor
EXCERPT FROM LOCAL NEWSPAPER
"Yeah, there's been a scary killer going around killing people" the sloppily written newspaper read in an unprofessional manner that you would never see in an actual newspaper.
"She's been going around killing people, but SHE HAS NEVER BEEN CAUGHT! What's up with that?! Just last night some 6 year old little boy narrowly escaped being her next victim. We talked to him."
"It was around midnight when my slumber was disturbed." said the young child who for some reason talks poetically. "The moon hung high in the night sky, and I noticed that my window was ajar.
"I looked around my room, and caught sight of something terrifying: a girl with a face white as snow and no lips or eyelids. She jumped on top of me and shouted 'GO TO SLEEP FOREVER' before raising her knife to slay me. Then, to my advantage, father came into my room with a gun. My would-be assassin fled out the window."
It was a warm summer day when Mary Sue Perfectpants moved into her new home in Shittycreepypastaville with her family, because that's how Jeff the Killer starts.
Mary was like the most perfect person EVER! She was soooo beautiful, and good at EVERYTHING she did. Everyone loved her except when the plot calls for them to abuse her.
Mary tripped on the doormat and dropped the heavy box she was carrying as she fell face first into the hardwood floor.
"YOU STUPID BITCH, DON'T THROW THINGS!" shouted her father, whose name was Cartoonishlyabusivedad.
"I'm ever so sorry father," Mary Sue said in the most perfect little voice as she climbed to her feet "I did not mean to drop the box."
"THAT'S FUCKING IT! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, FUCKER!" he shouted, because swear words are overused and presented as terrifying in these kinds of stories.
Cartoonishlyabusivedad grabbed Mary by the wrist, took his belt off, and started beating her with it. Despite Mary's loud screams, and the fact that this was happening on the porch, none of the neighbors or passers-by on the sidewalk did anything about it. This could be social commentary on how abuse is often overlooked in real life, but because this is a poorly written OC story, there is no message here.
After much of a struggle Mary pulled herself free from her father's grasp and ran upstairs to her bedroom. For some reason Cartoonishlyabusivedad did not chase after her.
Life was NEVER easy for Mary. You see, she was depressed and heard voices in her head. Not only do authors of these stories not understand how mental illnesses work, they also use them as an edge for their otherwise bland characters. Unfortunately, ignorant authors are proof that there is still stigma against the mentally ill.
This was based on Shittyauthor's real life. Well, kind of. You see Shittyauthor slipped on the rug while carrying groceries into the house one day, and her loving father gently helped her up and told her to be more careful. Because Shittyauthor has a victim complex, she decided to write this scene into her OC story, but with her distorted version of reality placed in.
Also, as you might have guessed, Shittyauthor wasn't the goddess she wrote herself to be. She was very ugly and weighed almost six hundred pounds. She also sucked at everything. Her "poetry" was just a string of things she thought was dark like death and black roses, and most of the verses didn't rhyme unless you said them with an accent or mispronounced them. Her "stories", as you can see, are shittier clones of stories that sucked to begin with. She thought she was good at playing guitar, but could only play songs off-key. She thought she was a great artist, but all her drawings were done on Microsoft Paint, using the basic pallet and, as you might have guessed, they looked like a toddler drew them. And, because this is an edgelord story, the pictures she drew were violent.
Anyway, back to the story. Mary cried into her $50 Frozen pillow for three hours before calming down and going on her $3,000 computer which an abused child would certainly not have in real life. How the computer got there before the family finished unpacking their belongings is anyone's guess, because bad stories have plot holes. While on her expensive computer she came across an anime-esque drawling of Jeff the Killer and fell in love with him. She read his story and thought that they were alike, even though most of the things in Jeff's story didn't happen to her yet, therefore making what he went through worse. Even though Jeff suffered more by that technicality, Mary somehow decided that their suffering was equal.
TENSE SWAP! Mary goes to her new school the next morning where she impresses her classmates and teachers with how good she is at every subject, drawling, writing poetry and stories, and playing guitar. Everyone loves her, except they don't because authors cannot decide rather or not they want their shitty insert OC to be worshiped or a victim.
Mary also had bullies who were meanies that did bad things to her! Of course because this is a low effort OC story, we aren't going to tell you what those bad things were, we are just going to tell you that they did bad stuff. These "bullies" were your cliche uppity rich girls who are reminiscent of the Debbies from the Oblongs. Why rich girls are going to a shitty public school instead of a nice private one is never to be explained.
The bullies were soooooo mean to Mary Sue because they wore expensive clothing and jewelry that Mary could not afford. Instead of using the logic that she would wear the same things if she could afford them, Mary held a grudge against them because they were more better off than she was and somehow came to the conclusion that they were wearing these expensive things as a way to tease her.
Her teacher was soooo mean, too! One day the bullies were doing bad things to her, and she was late for class. Since these stories are always lacking in detail, we're not going to tell you what they did, you just have to use your imagination.
"MARY! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU'RE LATE!" shouted Cartoonishlyabusiveteacher in all caps.
"I am ever so sorry, teacher!" she said. "I would have been here earlier, but the rich girls ambushed me!"
"BLAMING THE RICH KIDS BRIBED ME?!" he shouted, pointing out a common plot point in these stories. He grabbed a ruler and shouted "THAT'S IT!"
He beat Mary across the face with a ruler. Despite there being witnesses and security cameras, Cartoonishlyabusiveteacher didn't face any backlash for this. In fact, he retired at a young age and married the star quarterback.
"I'M! GONNA! KILL! YOU! WHORE! BITCH!" he shouted with each whack.
The teacher returned to his desk and pointed to Mary who he looked in the eyes and shouted "YOU'RE SEEING THE PRINCIPAL FOR THIS!"
The other kids, who we have established worships Mary and have seemingly stopped existing while this abuse was going on, started laughing. Mary hid her face in her book as she started silently weeping.
This is another part based on Shittyauthor's real life. However, like the last autobiographical scene, this one too was exaggerated. You see, Mary willingly showed up late to class, which her teacher excused. She started making a farting sound with her hand and arm-pit which got her a warning from the teacher, who was so mean for doing so! She kept doing it, and giggling. He called her out for it until it got to the point where he had not other choice but than to send her to the principal's office.
Now let's go to lunch time. Because these stories are so wild with their tenses, this next scene is going to be told in future tense, which I'm surprised hasn't been done yet in one of these shitty stories. Anyway, Mary will go to lunch where those mean rich girls will be abusing her by sitting together, with no room for Mary's fat ass to sit.
Mary will go to the lunch line, where some crusty old hag who is just as cartoonish as the people she is surrounded by will be serving the nondescript other children their food. The Creepypasta universe is apparently on Cartoon Network.
"May I have chocolate milk with my lunch?" Mary will ask.
"NO, YOU LITTLE SLUT! TAKE SOME REGULAR AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!" the lunch lady will shout as she slams the carton on Mary's tray.
As Mary will walk to her table, tears falling from her eyes, some kid she does not even know will slap the tray out of her hand.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, DORK!" the nondescript co-student will shout.
Mary will return to lunch line where the mean old bitch of a lunch lady will give her stale chili and a bottle of water.
This too is a huge exaggeration of something that happened in Shittyauthor's real life. You see, the lunch lady wasn't mean at all. In fact, she was a kind old lady who volunteered because she loved children. And the reason she didn't give Mary chocolate milk was because they were out. As for the kid who slapped the tray out of Mary's hand, he, in real life, accidentally walked into her, and dropped his lunch as well. The lunch lady actually cooked Shittyauthor some chili which was slightly flavorless because it was old and stored in a dusty can.
Back to normal tense.
Mary went to her seat and cried in her chili. She overheard the rich girls talking about going to a concert that night.
"Can I join?" Mary asked.
"NO! GO FUCK YOURSELF, FATTY!" shouted one of the rich girls, which elicited laughter from the others.
In real life, Shittyauthor asked if she could go, but the "rich" girls, who weren't actually rich, their fathers just made more money than Mary's, told her they had just bought the last tickets. Of course Shittyauthor felt as if it were an affront because none of the girls offered her one of their tickets, even though she is by technicality still a stranger to them.
Now a paragraph dedicated to making fun of the poor spelling in these stories. mary goes to teh art class an makes good picshur every1 luvs. mAry so good at stuff liek dat, she good at everyfing. why do rich gurls n0t liek hur? dey asshools! She do gudt, dat teech dem asshuls!
One day after class the bullies ambushed Mary in the hall and beat her up. They stabbed her, shot her, set her on fire, strangled her, drowned her, buried her alive, hit her with a car, and injected her with a fatal disease. Because these stories are unrealistic about what can and can't kill or seriously injure someone, Mary only suffered a black eye and a scratch across her face, but don't worry: this is Shittycreepypastaville and her face and eye healed by the time she made her way to the class room. Also notice how I didn't bother to go into detail while any of this was actually happening.
One day Mary got a text from John. I'm not going to tell you who John is because bad stories like this just bring people in and out of existence without explaining to you who they are and what their relationship to the main character is, and we are, at best, only showed any of this by their interactions. Also because stories like these go nowhere, we are going to forget about John in the next paragraph.
Once again Shittyauthor made armpit noises in class and got detention, and of course she saw it as some kind of conspiracy against her. Since the world is soooo mean to her, and she feels like letting everyone know what goes on in her life, Shittyauthor wrote it into this story.
Mary was allowed to leave school at midnight, because realistic timing doesn't exist in these shitty stories.
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!" shouted Cartoonishlyabusivedad.
"I got detention because some bullies made me late for class!" whined Mary Sue.
"DON'T LIE TO YOUR FATHER, BITCH!" shouted Sometimesabusivemom, who we are introducing half-way through the story. As her name suggests, she is only sometimes abusive. Other times she is a loving and doting mother which confuses the reader, but not the authors who often forget about scenes after they have finished writing them.
"I... I..." was all Mary could say before breaking down into tears.
"My poor baby!" Sometimesabusivemom said in a sympathetic voice and hugging her daughter as tightly as she could. "I'll make you some cookies. In the meantime, you go upstairs and try to calm down."
Mary took her mother's advice and ran up to her room. Somehow Cartoonishlyabusivedad forgot the whole thing a mere second after it happened.
The next morning while Mary was walking down the school's unsurprisingly empty hall, Clichefootballstar tackled her to the ground. His girlfriend, the leader of the "rich" girls (who was also a cheerleader because this story is cliche as fuck), appeared out of nowhere with her clique strutting behind her.
The girls poured a concoction of alcohol, bleach, and fire retardant on Mary's face while Clichefootballstar held her down. Somehow Mary did not get any of this in her eyes or ingest any of it, despite her screaming and no indication that her eyes were shut. Unfortunately, because the schools in Shittycreepypastaville only have bullies and OCs in them, no one was around to help Mary (not that they would...).
Mary somehow watched as one of the girls lit a match and walked slowly towards her. The nameless girl touched the match to Mary's face and set it ablaze. Clichefootballstar somehow neither got burnt, nor did the concoction make contact with him.
Mary ran, flapping her arms up and down like a chicken. She ran out the entrance door and plunged her burning face into the fountain in front of the school. When Mary pulled her head out she saw her reflection in the water. Her hair was burnt black instead of charred and crumbling. Her face was white as snow, unlike in real life where her face would be red from the burning and irritation from the concoction.
"I'M A FREAK!" Mary cried.
"No, you're beautiful!" said the voice in Mary's head that we only mentioned a while back but have not actually heard from until this point.
"I... am?" said Mary.
We are going to summarize that the voice convinced Mary to get kill her bullies, because apparently detail requires too much creativity even though it is simple dialogue.
Instead of going to a hospital for her severe burns, Mary went home to put together her totally cool killer outfit.
While we have been skipping a lot of important details, we are going to remain true to the fashion of bad Creepypastas and go into excessive detail on things that don't matter, and cut sentences short. Mary climbed all eight of the stairs in her house and walked five feet to her bedroom. The walls of the room were painted pink and littered with printed-out photos of Jeff the Killer and characters from the Nightmare Before Christmas, which Mary thought was the most edgiest movie ever. Mary's bed stood in the middle of the room in between two night stands. Under her bed she kept her diary, her guitar, and a notepad of unfinished poetry. Mary's sheets were green and her pillows were red. Behind the door was a mirror.
Mary closed the door and stood in front of the mirror. Her face had just been horribly burnt, but somehow she seemed unaffected by it.
Because authors sometimes like to sexualize themselves, we are going tell you that Mary stripped naked in front of the mirror and put on a pair of black panties, and a matching black bra that showed off her large breasts, which were only big in real life because Shittyauthor was a fatass.
Mary put on a black t-shirt, skirt, and a matching hoodie. She slid on a pair of black and white striped stockings, because she thought they looked cool. She crept into her parent's room and stole some of her mother's make-up. After applying her whore make-up, Mary clipped a costume tail onto her skirt and put a headband with fake animal ears on.
She pulled a gigantic knife out of nowhere and posed in front of the mirror with it. She thought she looked sooooo cool! "This was the knife she cut herself with every night" I say, mentioning this only once because, for some reason, things only need to be mentioned once, but never shown. Apparently self harm is just a joke to Shittyauthor.
After this little suit-up Mary ran to the forest in her backyard. Mary sat behind a tree, waiting for her bullies who had to pass through the forest to get home for some reason.
Finally they came. Mary jumped from behind the tree and shouted "GO TO SLEEP... FOREVER!"
The girls screamed and tried to run away instead of laughing at Mary's ridiculous costume and lame catchphrase.
One by one Mary chased them down and pounced on them like a lion. They begged, cried, and pleaded for mercy but Mary only grinned and stabbed them repeatedly. Of course, since this is a poorly written story, we won't go into any detail. We are just going to tell you that they happened, so you have to believe me, ok?
Also, you would think that since we are supposed to hate the bullies the murders would be more cathartic. Unfortunately, Shittyauthor was too lazy and too sloppy with her writing to care.
Suddenly she heard police sirens. You see, the police in Shittycreepypastaville somehow have the ability to know the exact moment someone is murdered, and where, but unfortunately, they blew their entire budget on these powers and did not have any left over to buy the powers that tell them who did it, and where the murderer is currently located.
SHORT SENTENCE! Mary ran to her house.
That night Mary waited until her parents were asleep. Somehow she did not see them any time before then because PLOT HOLEZ! She took the knife, sneakedededed into their room and climbed on top of her father. Somehow her parents didn't wake up until she raised the knife over her father's chest.
"GO TO SLEEP FOREVER!" Mary Sue shouted, plunging the knife into her father's heart.
Mary repeatedly stabbed her father while her mother either didn't do anything or just poofed out of existence for a moment.
Mary then moved on top of her mother who seemed not to put up any fight.
"GO TO SLEEP FOREVER!" the stupid child shouted again before killing her mother.
Suddenly she heard sirens! Damn those police for magically knowing when a murder is committed!
Mary was scared and did not know what to do.
"Go to the woods, my daughter." said the voice in her head.
She fled to the woods behind her house and tripped on a twig. She heard the sound of footsteps and crunching leaves coming closer and closer.
"IT'S THE POLICE, I KNOW IT!" Little OC bitch shouted loudly.
Suddenly she saw a figure coming closer and closer. She closed her eyes tightly. Suddenly they stopped. Mary looked up and saw Jeff the Killer, holding his hand out.
"May-May I help you up?" Jeff the former-killer-now-pussy-boyfriend asked Mary.
They blushed as Mary took his hand and was helped to her feet. They stared into each other's eyes for a moment before being disturbed by another sound.
"JEFF!" Jane's voice came out of nowhere.
Jeff turned around and saw Jane the Killer, his non-canonical girlfriend that somehow became popular.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME! I KNEW IT!" she shouted in all-caps. "I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU THE FUCK TO DEATH IF YOU DON'T COME HOME WITH ME RIGHT NOW, YOU PUSSY-ASS..."
She was cut off when lightning came out of nowhere and struck a tree branch that fell on her and killed her.
Jeff and Mary took each other's hands and stared into each other's eyes once more. Apparently Jeff wasn't very much of a romantic, as he did not give a damn that he just saw his girlfriend die a humorous death.
"Mary and Jeff kissed." types Shittyauthor, blushing while she ignores the fact that Jeff doesn't have lips so Mary must have been kissing his exposed teeth that had bugs on them because there were nothing covering them.
"Daughter, I have finally found you!" it was the voice that Mary heard inside her head all her life, but it was behind her. She turned around and found herself face to face with Slender Man.
"D-Daddy?" Mary said.
Slender Man hugged his daughter with a tear falling out of where his eyes should be.
He took her by the hand and led her to the middle of the forest where his mansion was hidden away.
There she met all the Creepypastas. IM 12 so I think "Creepypasta" is an organization of monsters the characters belong to. She met BEN who was actually just an anime-esque Link with bloody socket hole eyes, Smile.dog who was a friendly little puppy, The Rake and BOB who are here just because, Ticci Toby and Hoodie who were playing video games, Eyeless Jack who was liek (sic) a brother to her, Laughing Jack who was a friendly clown who played pranks on her, and all the other Creepypastas.
One day Slender Man called them all into his office.
"I have a job for you all!" He announced. "I want you all to kill all the people in the city by sundown! Jeff take Mary Sue along and show her how things are done."
So the "Creepypastas" ran all over town, slashing and killing people without anyone putting up a fight, or anyone being arrested.
ONE YEAR LATER
"I'm glad you adopted me daddy." Mary Sue says, expositing things to the reader that the author was too lazy to actually write. The odd part is that she is expositing things to Slender Man would have been around to see them happen. "Jeff and I have been married for a whole month now. We can't wait for the baby to arive. We're going to name him after you, but make Uncle Eyeless his godfather.
"It was so exciting when Jeff and I went on a killing spree one day and he proposed to me! I usually kill more than him, but that's ok. We'll teach our baby to be a murderer too!"
THE FUCKING END!
Author's reaction to story deletion
WHAT?! WHY DID (insert whichever Creepypasta Wiki administrator would make this more funny) DELETE MY STORY! THEY SAID IT WAS JEFF INSPIRED! IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH JEFF! HE ONLY SHOWED UP AT THE END! THIS STORY IS NOT SIMILAR TO JEFF'S AT ALL!
IT WAS ALSO DELETED FOR BEING A SPINPASTA! IT WAS NOT, IT JUST USED CHARACTERS AND PLOT ELEMENTS FROM OTHER CREEPYPOSTAS (sic), THAT'S ALL!
I FOLLOWED ALL THE SITE RULES AND YOU DUMMIES DELETED MY HARD WORK THAT TOOK ME 6,000,000 HOURS TO COMPLETE! I DIDN'T BREAK A SINGLE ROLE (sic) AND I FOLLOWED YOUR QUALITY STANNERDS! (sic)
YOU WILL REGRET DELETING MY PASTA! JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL MARY SUE COMES TO YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT AND KILLS YOU! BWAHAHAH!
THERE ARE GUH-ZILLIONS OF MARY SUE FANS ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE SORRY WHEN WE ALL UNITE AND BEAT YOU UP, DICKFACE!
YOU SHOULDN'T BE CALLED THE CREEPYPASTA WIKI, YOU SHOULD BE CALLED THE DREAM SMASHER MOTHERFUCKERS! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU! BITCHES! ASSES! PEE-PEE FACES!
MARY SUE FANS, ARISE! LET'S VANDALIZE THIS SITE TO TEACH THEM A LESSON!
FUCK THIS SITE! I'M GOING TO ANOTHER ONE! FUCK YOU!
GO TO SLEEP FOREVER!
(Author got banned before she was able to vandalize. She went on to form her own Creepypasta Wiki which had no users and was eventually abandoned.)
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