MechWarrior Online
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Hello, I'm a big fan of the Battletech franchise, specially the MechWarrior games, I always loved the feeling of riding a giant robot and murdering people, I have every game from the original MechWarrior game for the DOS up to MechWarrior 4 Mercenaries, yes, even the abortions known as MechAssault and their sequels but I still got them because they are Battletech games so fuck you. The walls of my room are completely filled with posters of robot porn, anyone that would come inside would probably just scream bloody murder or call an exorcist but I didn't care, I even have the games encased in glass on my shelf so no filthy hands can touch them, these games are as sacred as the Bible and if you don't follow the religion of MechWarrior then obviously you must die.
Anyway, I would always look for updates about Mechwarrior games or just porn of hot stompy robots with dongers and boobers, recently I have found an online game based on MechWarrior called MechWarrior Living Legends, which was shitty and completely ruined my fetish for giant metal cans with legs so I threw it in the garbage. However I did found out about yet another game based off the franchise... MechWarrior Online.
At first it seemed another failure like Living Legends, but after watching some videos about it, my mind was blown, it looked like what any hardcore lunatic MechWarrior fan would have, so me being the bright boy I am, decided to buy it off Ebay before realizing I could just download it for free, I shouldn't have sniffed crack naked earlier that day, who knows if I couldnt have gotten some dangerous cursed Pokemon game for my collection but whatever I couldn't wait to pilot the sexiest robot mech to ever exist in the history of the universe, the Mad Cat, the biggest pussy ever. I immediately went into the mech bay and got my Mad Cat, which was actually classified as a Timber Wolf, how dare Piranha Games do this to me!? Using the original shitty name for my big pussy. I got so enraged I started yelling curses so loud my neighbors could swear that I was assassinating someone, indeed I was, my pet bird was a prime target as I slapped him hard and cooked him for dinner.
After satisfying my rage, I let the thing search for a server. And it kept searching... And searching... And searching... And searching... And searching... Until I got into a server, I was on the red team which consisted of two lances, the people in the first lance were me, also known as Mekfapper69, Satan, Zalgo and Hitler while the second lance had Trump, Bin Laden, Snoop Dogg and Bootman Bill. This was weird as I was expecting peoples names to sound more like I_Fartd_in_ur_face or B00bs4thewin as I learned from my previous experiences playing multiplayer games, however these names just looked too normal. But it got even weirder when I went to see who was on the blue team, the first lance had Jesus, Buddha, Shiva and Moses and the second lance had Obama, Zack, A Potato, and... What was the name again? Muhutahar I believe. What a stupid name. I could see the chat on the left in bold bloody bright blood hyper realistic red letters, it went as follows.
Zalgo (To team): Wtfing motrfuker who tf is this??!
Satan (To team): Quiet! We have a job to do, I didn't made this private server so you could all fuck around and kill random people, I made a bet with Jesus and none of you will dare to lose!
Hitler (To team): 999
Bootman Bill (To team): Who be this Mekfapper69?
Bin Laden (To all): Alahu Akbar
Satan (To team): Mekfapper69? Must be replacing Stalin, doesn't matter, our plan still stands! Fuck Jesus and his crew!
Jesus (To all): Get set to get rekt!
As soon as Jesus said that the match started and we divided into two groups, I went left along with my lance while the other lance went right. The map was Terra Therma which was full of volcanoes and fiery hell fires, with a bright bloody red sky, it actually looked alot like Hell itself, even though I never saw Hell so how the fuck could I know that? Anyway, Bin Laden was our first casualty as he saw the second blue lance and immediately charged for them, falling into a pit of lava while shouting terrorist words. What shocked me the most was the message that showed up next.
"Bin Laden has dieded"
That made me shit myself, I don't know why, its not like if I would die in game I would die in real life or would I? I was still too virgin to die. Was I just trying to be edgy like those emo teens? Maybe I read too many creepypastas? I have no idea. But for some stupid reason I kept playing like a fucking idiot, maybe because I was a sadistic dumbass and wanted to see how this would end. It seemed like our second lance was having the battle of their deaths.
Zack (To all): I'm a LEGO maniac! I love to step on LEGOs! I-
Bootman Bill (To all): Die you manchild!
The message "Zack has dieded." appeared followed by a grown man's loud girly screams coming from my speakers, they were so real that I couldn't even believe it, thats how real they were. But because of sheer adrenaline, stupidity or maybe even both I continued. Satan walked his mech through a pool of lava and emerged undamaged. That was weird because Bin Laden had dieded when going into one. Maybe it was a glitch or just a troll I dunno, but I wasn't gonna question the game's logic because fuck me, thats why. Also didn't know Bootman Bill was a pedo.
Obama (To all): No violence gentlemen, we can settle this by dialogue.
Trump (To all): To Mexico with your dialogue!
"Obama has dieded." I could feel this was escalating more quickly than that time I smoke crystal meth and jumped off my apartment building thinking I was Superman, that and I voted for Trump. I should've died that day, but an old lady that was going across the street broke my fall, too bad she died right afterwards, not really, I didn't even knew the old hag so I don't give a fuck. Back to the game, things seemed to go smoothly for our second lance as it turns out that Moses had killed A Potato for some reason, they were both still on their spawning point, however the kill message was different this time, instead of the usual dieded message it appeared as "A Potato has been eaten."
Moses (To all): Dats sum good shit
Jesus (To all): Moses what have I told you about eating team players? I will have to punish you now! Shiva and Buddha come with me!
Zalgo (To team): F ing n00bs we got tis in t bag!
I swore Moses sounded more like Snoop Dogg's retarded cousin, but it seemed we had screamed victory too soon as from nowhere someone had taken down our second lance in minutes, I could hear lasers and missiles being launched on the horizon and sure enough when I turned to look there were fireworks going down to the ground, basically like me when I'm in the shitter.
"Bootman Bill has dieded"
"Trump has dieded"
"Snoop Dogg has swagged"
Zalgo (To team): Wat?! How t fuk?! Wtf just happnd?!
Hitler (To team): *Unintelligible German words*
Maybe I should have used google translate, I will remember to do that next time, nonetheless we kept on heading for the center of the map where we thought Jesus and his first squad were, until Hitler was hit in his metallic dong. That must have hurt. Boobtahar jumped in front of us in his own mech, a Catapult. We started shooting our missiles, lasers and bullets at the mutafacker but it was doing no damage! Zalgo immediately typed "Haxxxor!" And proceeded to go on a full frotting assault with the mofo. Unfortunately he tripped in a conveniently placed rock that was on his way and fell, getting lazored in the face by our sworn enemy before exploding in a hyper realistic explosion.
"Zalgo has dieded"
We were now at a disadvantage, 3 to 5, except this guy counted as the entire team, I thought about cutting my wrists and commiting suicide to escape my fate as I felt the crosshair of the evil Swagtahar lock on me, I typed "Aaaaah" on the chat before Hitler knocked me out of the way cursing German words which made me pull out my google translate and got the thing translated to "Stalin took my virginity with a lamp post." At that moment I thought how Hitler's anus must be as deep and infinite as the universe itself, before getting up and taking cover behind some rocks.
Satan went against the Sexytahar and fired his particle cannon but it was fake so it didn't do anything to him so Satan used his missiles. Ballsytahar dodged matrix style and it actually looked cool, which only made me certain that he was hacking in an online game, I wasted no time in taking screenshots so I could report this fudger to Piranha Games and get him banned like Gaben does to cheaters on Counter Strike Global Offensive, but for some reason my print screen key wouldn't work even though I got images of this shit so what the fuck?! You know fuck this! Anyway, the Judastahar climbed up the mountain and sniped Satan's right arm off, hyper realistic scary oil coming out of the mech. Now I was spooked. If only it was photo realistic blood, it wouldn't be so scary.
Badasstahar jump jetted behind Satan and almost finished him there, only that Hitler shot him in the bum and that made Dongtahar shoot him instead. Hitler gave out a "Heil Hitler" before exploding into tiny Hitler fragments.
"Hitler has dieded"
I used this moment to jump on top of Jizztahar typing "You are alot of fun to ride around". In my mind I could have sworn this sounded and looked like a bad written fanfiction, the only thing that was left was us wearing bikinis, but unfortunately my day dreaming was cut short as Satan shot Mutahar in the face and evaporated on the spot, I survived somehow though. Me and Satan regrouped and he looked at me before turning around.
Satan (To team): Gotta go fast!
He typed while his mech ran turning into every color in the universe and dubstep played in the background, I followed closely as fast as I could until we got to our final destination and when we did we saw... We saw something shocking, something so terrifying that even Satan himself shat in place, we saw Moses gargling Jesus's balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrated his divine hand holes, and they were doing all that in their mechs, which made it even sexier, I felt my boner grow to over 9000 meters. All in all it was a win win situation because I was watching sexy shit go down and I didn't have an insurance for my mech in case it got white paint everywhere. However Satan ejected from his mech... I guess it was too hawt for his demonic ass.
Satan (To all): The power of Christ compelled me! Its all up to you newby!
"Satan has dieded."
It was all in my hands now, as Jesus and his crew finished screwing Moses, I locked my missiles onto their cock pits and fired. Most of them hit Shiva directly, taking care of that bich while the others damaged Moses, unfortunately Jesus and Buddha jumped out of the way and turned towards me. Even so there were only three more to go.
Jesus (To all): How dare you interrupt our sacred action!
I went around some mountains and got Buddha by surprise, killing him. Moses was crippled and walking slowly trying to hide behind some rocks but I jump jetted on top of him while typing "Death from above". Then I got hit on my right torso, losing half of my weapons and my right arm, which was useless by the way but I still missed it, more hyper realistic oil came out of the destroyed arm and that scared me as my sexy mech was hurt! Jesus was gonna pay now! With his Paypal account!
We stared at each other for what seemed like 8.37924850 minutes before Jesus jumped at me in a kinky way, I dodged out of the way and tried fisting him but he found out my special attack and avoided it with his sexy moves, he then aimed his cannon straight at me, ready to shoot, but in some weird plot twist of fate or some idiot writing this story. Jesus spountaneously combusted for no fucking reason and I won the match. I guess I had god mode on.
"Jesus has dieded."
After that the score screen appeared and everyone except for me had dead written in big bold red hyper realistic tomato sauce letters, oh that and that I had gotten 20 million xp and c-bills which meant that I had literally beaten an MMO. I was so proud of myself that I got nekid and started making out with my window as my next door neighbors watched before throwing a shoe at me. After that I got a message from Piranha Games saying that they were having server maintenance and they wouldn't be available for today... But then... How did I just played a game online!? And then Satan popped out of my screen and shoved a dildo up my ass.
I am now in Hell serving Satan and being his sex toy while Jesus is still having dirty fun with Buddha, Shiva and Moses.
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