Meet the Beatles
This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't take it seriously, fellas.
Hey baby. Have you ever heard of The Beatles? Hahaha, just kidding. Of course you do. You know me, and I know you, and you are me, and we are all together. Eh heh heh heh. Remember that lyric? I wish grandpa was still alive.
Anyway, that's not why I called you over today. We were gonna have breakfast but all I have in the fridge is beer and ketchup packets. Let's talk about The Beatles. The Beatles was a great show, but they were also a band. They started out making music for young girls and then evolved and sang about glass onions and drug addicts who murder judges and mean old men sleeping on park benches. It's fascinating that people in the American 1960s who were raised on Wake Up Little Suzy and How Much Is That Doggy in the Window were ready for songs about LSD and adults dying from chicken pox.
Hey, wait. Are you still there? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought the line got disconnected. Silly me. Anyway, that's not why I called you over today. I wanted to ask you a really creepy question. Like, don't worry, I'm not going to ask you out or anything. I wanted to give it a shot to tell you, someone I know, a really scary story that could leave you shaking in your britches. Here's the set-up: what if The Beatles were still around today, making new music? Like, I'm not kidding. You know. That would be pretty weird, right? In the 70s maybe they would've made disco, in the 80s they could've gone all synthpop or New Kids on the Block. 1990s, imagine John Lennon wearing a Kurt Cobain wig and singing about guns and the Salem Witch trials. Could you imagine that? Whoa. Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored water, man!
Hey, wait. Are you still there? Oh, sorry, thought I heard the line disconnect again. It sure would be weird if The Beatles were still around today. Like, I know 2 of them are dead now, but imagine that they were both still with us somehow. John Lennon and George McCartney, I mean Harrison. Maybe even Pete Best and Stuart Sutcliffe, too. If Slipknot could have 11 drummers, there could be a fab-five or six, am I right? ... Hello? ... Hello?
Hey, wait. Are you still there? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought the line got disconnected. Maybe we should talk about the Rolling Stones for a little bit. That Mick Jagger is kinda out there, with the crossdressing devil gig and all that. Kind of way before his time, you know? ... Okay, fine, we'll talk some more Beatles. If the Beatles were still around today, I bet they'd sing about Pokemon, and fire hydrants, and electric chairs. They might even sing about actual beetles. Get it? Because of cockroaches. Cockroaches live forever. Even if nuclear artillery went off. They're kind of like, the rightful heirs to the world. You know?
... Hey, wait. Are you still there? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought the line got disconnected. Where were we? Oh, yes. Beatles. And the animal known as beetles. Humans are animals too, you know. It especially helps to know that humans are animals. It helps you have a stronger appreciation for the Beatles. You know that Paul is Dead thing, right? And how you could zoom in on the license plates in Abbey Road and it says real stuff, and if you hold the cover of Sgt. Pepper in the mirror, it says 1 ONE 1 X HE DIE? Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. I mean, if he was actually dead. That would be weird. But he isn't. Maybe.
O.K., I can tell you're still on the line. Thank you for being such a good person. I was beginning to think that I was weird. Maybe there was something wrong with me, or my basic premise about The Beatles. Anyway, I didn't want to call you about The Beatles. I really just wanted to spend some more time with you. Just kidding, I actually did want to talk about The Beatles. They're alive, and they'd like to speak to you right now. What? No, no, no. I really do mean it. I really do mean it. You should come over and Meet The Beatles, if you know what I mean. Heh heh heh. The Beatles are evil, I mean alive. I keep them in my basement. I feed them a steady diet of beetles, too, to keep them more Beatley. I mean shit, all I had to do was find 4 local boys with mop tops and guitars and a drumset. The one with a long nose sends his regards, you bitch. And if you want to see your punkass grandchildren again you better send the money fast.
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