Mortal Kombat: Soul Sucker

My friend Jeff got sucked too hard and now he's dead. He was found with his head pressed up the TV with his mouth agape and eyes bulging, his features wrinkled and contorted. The autopsy was unable to pinpoint his exact cause of death, but it's suggested an intense session of Mortal Kombat lead to him becoming departed. It's a shame too, 'cause I never fully reconciled with him after all these years for that fateful day in 4th grade when he devoured my last Oreo cookie. Even with him gone, I can never fully forgive him for it.

"Thank you all for gathering here today as we lay Jeff Fraglemen to rest. The only thing he loved more than video games were booze, hookers, and the 16th amendment," the funeral director said. Jeff laid in his arcade cabinet-shaped coffin wearing a Sub-Zero outfit, which he didn't request. I did on Jeff's behalf thinking it would be funny, but no one's laughing. "It's a damn shame my son's chronic media consumption got him killed. And with that stupid costume, he's taking it to the grave with him. I should've knocked some sense into that boy before he croaked," Jeff's father said. "Fatality!" Jeff's little brother said before slipping a Scorpion Funko Pop in Jeff's casket. I thought about snatching it and selling it on eBay, but changed my mind when I saw how pathetic the prices were.

Days before his death, Jeff obtained a "one-of-a-kind kopy" of Mortal Kombat Trilogy. He tried his hardest to beat it, but I think the game itself beat him. I posted this theory to Reddit hours before the funeral but the comments were full of fatherless incels telling me video games can't kill people. But they do, and I'm going to prove it, even if it means I end up the same fate as Jeff. I'm willing to put my life on the line for some Reddit Gold, or better yet, a lengthy YouTube essay about my revelation. The internet deserves the truth.

As the funeral wrapped up, I skipped the dinner and rushed to Jeff's trailer park home before Jeff's family got there to do who knows what with it. The scent of stale swamp-ass, rotten pizza and energy drinks lingered in the air as I entered the dark trailer. I flipped a light switch on, praying to the Elder Gods for the electricity to work still. "And let there be light..." I said soon as the lights came on. I hurried over to the TV and saw the PlayStation still plugged in, untouched since Jeff's untimely death. I picked up the controller and it felt oddly warm still. It was like Jeff was still here with me. "Don't worry buddy, I'll get to the bottom of why the game killed you. The reason better be good!" I took my phone out and set it against the coffee table facing the TV, live streaming to Twitch. I hope my 2 followers tune in.

The haunting atmosphere of Mortal Kombat blared out the speakers, bringing me back to a time I wasn't even born yet. I picked Johnny Cage because I only play game characters that look like me. The first match in the tower pitted me against Sub Zero. I cringed, as I just buried my best friend as Sub Zero hours ago. Maybe I should've requested they dress him as Goro and attach extra arms to him with corpses from the morgue.

My fingers danced across the DualShock pad as I laid the smack down on Sub Zero. "Take this, take that! Hiya!" I blurted, having the time of my life beating the ice ninja into a bloody pulp. "SUB ZERO WINS!" My face turned red. I looked over to the Twitch chat, and thankfully I had no viewers yet. For round 2 I mixed up my strategy, throwing out shadow kicks more often. I clinched my asshole as Sub Zero whipped up a chilling ice ball and hurled it straight for Johnny Cage. "JOHNNY NO!" I shouted, but it was too late. Sub Zero inched toward Johnny's frozen body and performed a gruesome fatality. Before ripping his spine out, Sub Zero turned his head toward the screen with glowing white eyes, followed by a black screen.

"Yo, someone clip that!" I glanced at the phone and saw I had one viewer. "Can I get an F in the chat?" As I waited for a response, I reached to reset the PlayStation. That's when I noticed on the carpet next to a block of moldy cheese was a paper of Kombat Codes. All of them were scribbled out... except for one. The game booted up and I went to the password screen, with only the buzz of the CRT permeating. I entered the code, only to find out the last 3 digits were missing. Dumbfounded, I reached for my phone to watch some Subway Surfers gameplay, pondering my next move. But something in the chat caught my eye... my sole viewer put the last 3 digits. It's probably BS, but there's only one way to find out.

After entering the full code, a swirling vortex of blue engulfed the screen. As I went to thank the Twitch user, I realized their name was... Shang Tsung. I whipped my head back to the TV, greeted by white text spelling out "YOUR SOUL IS MINE!" Like a monkey seeing a banana, I pressed my face against the TV in a trance-like state. My mouth opened involuntary, followed by what felt like someone shoving a vacuum nozzle down my throat and sucking all the air out of my lungs.

I later awoke in confusion. The air felt unnaturally dry, devoid of discernible temperature, and the ground I lay on seemed suspiciously fake despite its realistic appearance. I stumbled as I got up, not used to my new body weight. Looking down, my shirtless body revealed a 6-pack. I tried rubbing my eyes, but something plastic blocked them. I dawned a pair of sunglasses only a man with the ultimate rizz would wear. I was Johnny Cage!

Appearing before me stood an old man dawning a fancy Asian robe. "Jeff never stood a chance -- neither will his pathetic mortal friend!" Shang Tsung said. "Did you just suck me?" I asked. "I sucked your soul. Lose against me and you lose it forever -- like Jeff!" "Wait, so long have you been on Twitch? Have you ever donated to someone as Nick Gur--" "Silence, fool!" Shang Tsung said before firing a flaming skull at me. With my quick rizz techniques I managed to dodge it. "Bring it on old man, bring it on!" "Round 1, FIGHT!" a booming voice from the heavens shouted.

I tapped my feet around, light on my toes like Liu Kang. I fired an energy ball towards the elder, but he ducked it and charged for me. I pondered what Kevin Spacey would do in this situation, which made my mind sharper. "Christmas came early, punk!" I said as I did a back roundhouse kick to Shang's wrinkled face. He flung across the arena, with a comical amount of blood spilling on the ground. "Balls in your face!" I said before flinging a low energy ball, causing Shang Tsung to trip back into the corner. I charged forward and spammed a flurry of jump kicks like a first grader or boomer playing Mortal Kombat. Shang had enough, giving round 1 to me.

Shang Tsung groaned, his battered body rising from the blood-soaked ground, attempting to look intimidating by cracking his neck. "Any last words before I banish your ass to the Netherrealm?" I said. "No. It is you that shall be banished!" And with that, round 2 commenced. As I thought about what Nicolas Cage would do in this situation, Nick Cage himself appeared before me. Blinking hard a few times, my eyes did not deceive me. It was truly the one and only Nicolas Cage. "I should be playing Johnny Cage, not this bozo." "Yo Shang what's the hold up, is this a leaked character for MK12 or something?" That's when Nicolas vanished and Shang Tsung appeared in his place, with an evil grin. My heart skipped a beat. "Right... You can literally transform into anyone." That's when Shang transformed into a dead-man walking... Jeff Fraglemen.

I raised my sunglasses up and went to approach him as he stood there like a statue. "Jeff?" Jeff grabbed a hold of my arm tightly, twisting it in a crushing grip. I stared deep into his eyes... realizing those weren't his eyes. Jeff flung me into the corner on his side of the screen, draining a lot of my HP. "This is for taking my last Oreo!" I said before shadow-kicking fake-Jeff in the jaw, causing a shower of fake teeth to fly out. I retaliated with a barrage of energy balls, bombarding the imposter Jeff with relentless force, determined to protect my dignity and, more importantly, the memory of my last Oreo.

Shang Tsung transformed back to his regular self, and began raising flaming skulls out of the ground to attack me. "Got a bone to pick?" I said, dodging the skulls. "Your soul is miiiine!" were the last words Shang Tsung uttered before I delivered a crushing uppercut to his face. Shang's body rapidly flashed white and yellow like a demonic rave, with what appeared to be souls escaping his body. The ground shook like a 500 lbs. man walking to the microwave for chicken tendies. I lost my balance and held on to the edge of the arena, my feet dangling with spikes below me. I was worried my sunglasses would fall off. Suddenly, an intense tremor caused me to lose my grip. "No, my sunglasses!" I said, plunging into the abyss.

Then, everything appeared white, as if the universe had reset and God had not created anything yet. "L-let there be light..." I choked out, followed by my vision coming back. I laid in the ruins of Jeff's trailer park. I raised up and saw the CRT in a ditch with a gaping, smoking hole in it. Did I win? Did I avenge my friend's death? I hoped so. Feeling my abs, I learned my rizz stayed intact. I still had Johnny Cage's body! But my smile wiped away as I felt a huge dong slap me across the face. I groaned and rubbed my cheek. Towering over me stood a massive, hulking beast with no clothes on. Naked Goro.

"You did it! You beat the game! You got me out! I knew I could count on you!" Goro said, hugging me tightly with his bottom set of arms. "What the hell's going on?" I asked of the beast. "It's me, Jeff! I tried taking on Shang Tsung as Goro, which was a big mistake since I didn't know his moves that well." "Y-you're Jeff?" "Yes! Just like how you picked Johnny Cage and now you're still Johnny. I picked Goro, and I'm still Goro!" "Are we stuck like this forever?" "Maybe, but who cares! I'm just thankful to be alive. Say, why don't we go get some Oreos?"

Suddenly, a van of miserable people pulled up to the destroyed trailer. But not just any van of miserable people, it was Jeff's family. "Holy moly! Call the National Guard, a naked giant just destroyed Jeff's trailer!" Jeff's dad cried. "Uh oh, gotta run!" Jeff said before stomping off into the forest. I really, really hope he finds clothing his size. Jeff's family drove off, followed by an ambulance pulling up.

"Hey, I'm fine," I said to the EMS workers, but they ignored me and went straight for the rubble. Underneath the debris laid my old body, which like Jeff's, looked like someone sucked it too hard. "Hey wait a minute, that's my body!" I said as they strapped my corpse to the gurney. "This young man is dead. His family will be devastated."

Welp, looks like I'll be attending another funeral this week. I needed a new life anyway. On the bright side, the Twitch VOD must be crazy... Wait 'till Reddit sees it!

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