My Life With a Satanic Antivirus

I was only around 19 years old. I was starting to become a gaming hipster at that age. I wasn't interested in those fucking consoles. Only peasants play consoles. I decided that I wanted a fucking gaming PC. So I started saving up money, but the problem was that it was the Great Fucking Depression (Thanks Obama). One day after walking back from my part time job at McDonalds, a white van drove up to me. The door to the van opened and inside was a British guy.

"Hey kid, you want a free computer? Just one George!" He said

"Sure why not." I said as I handed him the dollar.

"Thanks kid." He replied.

He gave me a laptop with a charger and mouse. I was about to thank him, until I blinked and he disappeared, but I shook it off as a graphical glitch.

When I got home, I plugged in the laptop and turned it on. I noticed that the computer only had internet explorer for its browser. I clicked on it. After waiting for around 5 days, the browser finally opened. The homepage was Ask.com, which kind of triggered me. I also noticed the bookmarks. They ranged from things like YouTube to custom cursor websites. I then decided to look in the hard drive to see what kind of shit the dumbass owner installed on this PC. I opened up the C drive and the Control Panel and started deleting the virus programs and other shit like bootlegged games and 13 terabytes of porn.

However, even after cleaning it, the computer still ran really fucking slow. I decided I needed an antivirus. I went onto the web and searched for legit anti-viruses. The problem was that the ones that weren't shit had trial versions for free. I can't afford that. I was starting to give up after a few hours of searching. I was thinking about trashing this thing and try to get my money back.

But all of the sudden, a spooky gargoyle flew in and threw a CD case at me.

"What the fuck dude?!" I yelled. But the second I blinked, he was... still there. Oh.

The gargoyle then exploded.

I looked at the CD case. It had the words "Super Free Antivirus" scribbled on it with marker. I opened up the case and put in in the laptop, and it started to install. After it installed, the program booted up and a window popped up, but something was wrong. The window was red and hyper-realistic. I was spooked. I ignored it though and observed the window. There were four options to choose. Quick Scan, Full Scan, Options, and SUPERSATAN666DEVILKILLJESUS! I decided to select Full Scan. The window then showed a bar that started to fill up as time went on. But the bar was red. After about an hour, the scan finally ended, and it said that I had 666 viruses. I was relieved, but also spooked. I wanted to end the virus scan so I could start playing my fucking games. It seemed that there was only one button to select to end the scan. It was red and said "Sacrifice Viruses to Satan." I selected the button, and the computer started screaming. I told it to shut the fuck up. It said no and continued to scream for about 66.6 minutes.

After the thing finally shut up, I went onto internet explorer, but it was different. The homepage wasn't Ask.com anymore, it was a new engine called Super Satan Demonic Search. I was spooked. I ignored it and went to the steam website, which had a red tint for some reason. Then again, Gabe was probably just a Satanist. I installed steam and logged in. It seems that steam got a new logo. It was a 3 bones that made the shape of the old logo. Steam also renamed itself to Spook. I was spooked. I then installed CSGO, Minecraft, and TF2.

I first started to play Minecraft. I made a new world called. I spawned and then went to punch a tree, but when I got a wood block, the tree started yelling and then ran off a cliff and died. I then went over to a cow to kill it, but it looked... depressed. Before I could stop giving a fuck, I heard a spooky scream and a bunch of skeletons started attacking me. They were red, bloody, and they weren't burning in the sun. That spooked me. I decided that this was too spooky for me, and I left the world, but when I went to the main menu, my world was renamed to Spooky 666. I was spooked.

When I went back to Spook, I saw that a new game installed. On its own! It was Spookrim. I never heard of it. But I was too braindead to think about it. Being the retard I was, I launched the game and it immediately started at the beginning, without even going to the main menu. I was on a wagon, and there were other people on it with me, but they were all depressed. I also noticed that we were in hell. After going through a boring intro where I was almost executed for my crimes, a spooky skeleton dragon tried to kill me, and I escaped with some guy who ended up jumping off a cliff, I went to a nearby village filled with retards who didn't see a fucking dragon destroy a town five feet away from them. Also the villagers were all depressed cows. I was creeped out, but I decided to steal some supplies from a shop, but the shop keeper saw me and turned into a dragon and ate me. The game then crashed. I wasn't really spooked, but more annoyed. I didn't save my fucking game.

I decided that I wanted to play Team Fortress 2. I went to my games menu on Spook, but then found out that TF2 was renamed to Team Spook 666. I decided to launch the game, and the valve logo came up, but it was red, and a pentagram. I decided to join a game of Capture the Spook. What is with all this Spook?! I then chose to play as the Hellvy, and I spawned and chose to run outside towards the Blu base..... until I was killed by a fucking Spy.

"FUCK!" I screamed

I ran out again, only to be killed by another Spy!

"What?!" I yelled

I asked in the chat how many fucking Spies there were, and everyone responded saying "What Spies?" I tried to play as the Inferno to combat the Spies, but they just kept coming. The Spies were now everywhere. All of the sudden, the map fucking changed. To a hell level. The chat started freaking the fuck out. They started saying that I hacked the server and caused the fucking map change. Long story short, I got banned from Team Spook 2. I was really fucking sick of this shit. I looked up what the fuck was happening on my satanic search engine. But all that came up were websites for Scat Porn, Satanic Forums, and Black Rights

Useless.

I decided that I would just give up on PC gaming and just download a computer virus. I then went to download Bonzi Buddy to destroy my computer, but when I tried to download our lord and savior, an mp4 file appeared on my desktop. I clicked on it, and the video was Bonzi Buddy getting sacrificed to Satan. I was spooked. I was also fucking furious this fucking antivirus was doing its job. I went to the control panel to uninstall it, but when I tried to, the Robot Hell song from Futurama started playing on loop. That's it. My computer needed a fucking exorcism. I called the local church, and the Priest picked up.

"What's up?" he asked

"HELP! My fucking computer is fucking possessed by Satan himself" I yelled

"What are you talking about? Computers don't exist" he said.

Then he hung up. I was fucked.

I started to browse the antivirus's options to see if there was an uninstall option or something. The options only had things like Kill Jesus, Praise Satan, Volume, Suicide Options, Spook, etc. I then decided that I should try the SUPERSATAN666DEVILKILLJESUS option. I clicked the button, then the computer screen turned red and started playing the Pokemon Rap backwards. I shat myself again. Then, Minecraft opened up to the Spook world, and my character was surrounded by depressed cows. They then started yelling at me for killing innocents, not praising Satan, and to go vegan. I then spotted something in the corner of my eye. It was..... a depressed cow plushie. I was spooked. I read too many Creepy-pastas to know how this was going to go. I took action. I took the plushie and shoved it up my butt. That would stop it. Oh yeah also my laptop was on fire. I knew that I couldn't shove that up my butt, so I had to call others who knew how to deal with this kind of shit. I dialed the number to the Church of Scientology.

"Hello this is the Church of Scientology, how can I help you?" said a girl.

"I need help. My computer is possessed by Satan and he's sending depressed cows after me!" I screamed into the phone.

"I'm sorry I do not speak English." She said as she hung up.

I was so fucked. Then there was a ring at my doorbell. I knew he sent more. But there was no more room in my butt. I grabbed my shot gun and went to the front door. I opened the door and shot whatever was on the other side. I then realized I shot the pizza guy. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, while Team Spook 2 was loading, I ordered a pizza. Oops. I took the pizza and then flushed the dead guy down my toilet. I got back to the laptop, which was still on fire and now playing MIDI's backwards. Oh and the depressed cows were still screaming at me. Don't they have better things to do? I decided to unplug the laptop's charger and wait for it to run out of battery so I could use it again. After about 4 minutes, the laptop ran out of battery and exploded.

Then there was another ring at my doorbell. I opened the door to find the laptop at my doorstep.  I took it inside and turned it on. The spooky MIDI's started playing and a game called "Grand Spook Auto 5" opened up. The game started off with a skeleton walking out of a hospital. The skeleton then said that he needed to get home. I was then able to control the skeleton, so I took him to a nearby parked car and had him drive it onto the road. But then, all of the sudden, I had 5 stars. Except they weren't stars, they were pentagrams. Police cars, tanks, demons, Cthulhu, milkshakes, and helicopters were all chasing me. I decided to pull out a rocket launcher and shoot them. Bad idea. The enemies then all pulled out nukes and charged at me, causing them to go off and destroy the whole fucking city. The game closed and I was spooked.

Then a new game opened up. It was Spookout 666. The game started with me as a character in a 50's home. There was a depressed cow robot cleaning the dishes.

"Good morning dad! Your coffee is ready, with a temperature of 666666666666 degrees, brewed to perfection!"

How did the game know my gender?! I was spooked and triggered. The doorbell rang and the robot told me to answer it. I opened the door and there was a skeleton wearing a tin foil fedora and coat made of garbage.

"Satan Calling!" He said with a cheery and demonic voice.

I chose the option to tell him to fuck off.

"Before I do, can I tell you about SpookTec? A great company that produces state of the art Vaults to protect you and your family from total nuclear annihilation!"

I told him to fuck off.

"Fine, just go up the fucking hill if we get nuked."

Then the TV announcer said we were getting nuked and the game crashed.

"Fuck" I said. I then noticed that the fucking wallpaper changed to a picture of a bloody milkshake. I decided that enough was enough! I was going to get rid of this evil thing once and for all! I decided to go onto the spooky search and look up 'how to get rid of evil computer Satan.' All that came up were death threats, porn, Pewdiepie memes, and Kermit x Fozzie fanfictions. Then the antivirus window came up and said that I must give myself to Satan to free the computer. I said no. It asked why not. I said that I don't care anymore. It said that I could have free CSGO skins. I told it to fuck off and dialed a new number on my phone. The number of the last person I could think of who could help me. Bill Nye the Science Guy. I called Bill Nye and he picked up.

"Who is this?" he asked.

"I need your help, Bill!" I screamed

"How did you get my number?" he asked

"Because plot." I said

"Well what do you need?" he sighed

"My computer has been possessed by an antivirus created by Satan himself" I yelled

"Hmmm. I think I have a solution. Just upgrade to Windows 10. It won't be able to be compatible with it." said Bill.

"Fuck you, Bill" I said as I hung up.

Then I got an idea! I would download a bunch of Christian games! I went online and looked for Christian games (I went to fucking google this time). I started downloading as many I could find. The antivirus started fucking screaming at me and launching spooky games, the doorbell started having a fucking seizure, and my pizza was starting to turn into an evil monster. I then started to launch all the Christian games. The antivirus screamed in agony. Then the computer fucking blue screened, except it was red. Then it exploded.

Did I win? Well the computer is gone. Fuck PC gaming. Fuck video games. I'm going outside for once in my life. When I left my house, I realized something. I was in North Korea. I was also arrested for using foreign currency. I hope you learned something from this story. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go attend my funeral.

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