My Shit Don't Stink
To preface, every word of this story is true. Of course, on r/shittynosleep, everything is true anyway, even lily madwhip, but this one actually is. I don't expect you to believe that, but it is. Do with that knowledge what you will.
I was doing my Sunday shop, literally yesterday, when I saw an offer for party food. Two mains and four sides for £15. The sides however included packets of microwavable chicken wings, which for a fruit free scot, is a meal with only a bit of rice added, so without questioning more I bought the lot, 6 meals for 15 quid! What could go wrong? I was shopping in M and S after all.
EVERYTHING
My first repast took place just an hour after purchase. If the side meals of wings were a meal, then the mains, a half chicken, were a feast. I had not questioned why bought individually the half chickens only cost £4.75 when the packs of lunch adequate wings were £3.50, but there we have it.
Most food, especially from metropolitan cunt shops like M and S, shrinks when taken out it's packet. The Chicken grew. A half chicken was normally no matter for a active lad like me, but this was a monster. 40 minutes, whacked in the oven, surely it would shrink? Surely cheap chicken is half water? No, it grew again.
I sat down with trepidation to eat the fearsome knock off Nando's. The outer skin was acceptable, but the interior tasteless. The bargain had been Faustian. I could not even finish the mild rice garnish, not even with help of friends and flatmates. Most of the chicken is intact to this day.
However, the waste of money and poultry life was the least of my worries. Within two hours of giving up, I took a mighty shit, and it smelled good. Like Turkish Delight good, the green ones with extra sugar good. I could eat no dinner that night, for lunch had been big enough, but the shit I took that evening smelt the same.
Today, my shit continues to smell like nice perfume, and I dare tell no doctor. And a second half chicken remains in my fridge, requiring devourment by the 25th. It seems unlikely I will live long enough to post again, having devolved into a puddle of hundreds and thousands by Thursday, so all I can do is ask you that the next time someone tells you not to act like your shit don't stink, tell them to check their privilege. Thank you, and goodbye.
...
Edit: I shat again, and it now smells like bananas, and I hate bananas
Credited to scannerofcrap
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