My disturbing realisation of David Bowie's true nature
Joke story, don't take it seriously.
Hello.
My name is Tom, and this is the story of how I found out the truth about David Bowie.
Chapter 1: The Shit, the Song and the Basin
One day I was playing with my cat's poo-poo when I got bored and my hands got dirty.
I decided to go wash my hands and listen to some music. I grabbed my phone and started up my illegally-downloaded MP3 player app. I played my favourite song, 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie. As I washed my hands, my phone slid into the basin and was corroded by the water. After 3 seconds of water exposure, my phone exploded, and my hands were reduced to a burnt, shriveled mess. Tiny shards of glass peppered my face. I fell to the bathroom floor in surprise.
The first thing that went through my mind was the fact that exposure to water should not make a phone explode. The second thing was the sudden awareness of the pain in my hands. I did not scream in pain, but merely lay on the floor, falling into equilibrium. I felt my consciousness slipping away. I made a half-assed attempt to stay awake, but as with all half-assed attempts at anything, it was unsuccessful.
Chapter 2: The Bowie-ing Begins
I woke up with a start. I looked around and realised I was on the bathroom floor.
I also realised I had glass in my face, and that my hands were munted.
I attempted to grab the edge of the basin so I could pull myself into an upright position, but discovered that my hands were even more munted than I had previously thought. Not only were they burnt and shriveled, but I could not operate them. When I lifted my arms, my hands flopped around like pieces of burnt meat attached to my wrists, which was effectively what they were.
I lay on the floor, helpless. It was then I noticed that 'Space Oddity' was still blaring from my phone's speaker. How was that possible?
Suddenly, I heard the door creak open behind me. David Bowie's voice seemed to be coming from behind me, not from my phone.
Suddenly, a shadow fell over me. A man-shaped shadow.
I turned my head, and standing in the doorway was David Bowie.
I smiled and my heart filled with joy. I must be dreaming! I thought. My favourite singer was here to save me!
It was only then I noticed David had a bizarrely twisted smile on his face, and his skin was pale-looking, even for him. I began to panic. I halfassedly tried to scrabble away on my 'hands' and knees. I was unsuccessful. I didn't give it my all.
Bowie jumped and smashed his crotch into my face.
The world turned to black once again.
Chapter 3: Ground Control to Major Protagonist
I woke up yet again. This time I was dressed in a spacesuit, and I felt something large, hard and metallic behind my back. I tried to move my limbs, but they were securely (and somewhat painfully) fixed to the metallic object with cast iron restraints.
I surveyed my surroundings, and found I was in some kind of desert, clearly far from any civilisation. I immediately began to regret leaving my phone so close to the basin where it slipped in, destroying my hands, and indirectly, my life, so it seemed. I also regretted playing with my cat's leavings. That was just disgusting.
David Bowie approached me from the right, and strode up a ladder near me. His face was now level with mine. He produced a astronaut's helmet and earpiece from his pockets (LOGIC) and placed the earpiece in my ear, and the helmet on my head, all the time wearing a gentle smile upon his face. He then retreated down the ladder and opened a control panel on the side of the object, which I now realised was a rocket of some kind. He tapped a few buttons, closed the panel, placed a headset upon his own head, and backed away from me slowly, that evilly gentle smile still on his face. The rocket began liftoff.
I struggled against my restraints with all my might, but I got tired after about 7 seconds, and decided to struggle halfassedly instead. I paid dearly for that decision. I was unable to break free, and the rocket ascended into the sky.
Suddenly, my earpiece chimed, and David Bowie's ethereal voice filled my helmet.
"Ground Control to Major Tom" he sang.
It was that moment I realised this was destined to happen. My name was Tom. I had a major in something from University. And 'Space Oddity' was my favourite song.
"Ground Control to Major Tom" Bowie's voice continued to croon.
If only I had seen these signs before.
"Take your protein pills and put your helmet on"
I could have halted this unholy prophecy.
I could have realised that I was, in fact, Major Tom.
"This is Ground Control to Major Tom"
"You've really made the grade"
"And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear"
At this point, my suit began to decompress. In my panic, I lost control of my vocal chords and began singing back to David Bowie.
"This is Major Tom to Ground Control"
"I'm stepping through the door"
My restraints released, and I began floating through space.
"And I'm floating in the most peculiar way"
My eyes began to fail me as I rapidly lost oxygen.
"And the stars look very different today"
As I began dying, David Bowie's voice and the whoosh of the oxygen leaving my spacesuit were the only noises I could perceive.
Ironically, my favourite song had become the agent of my downfall.
And now it was the last thing I would ever hear.
"Ground Control to Major Tom"
I closed my eyes and waited for eternity to come. I made a halfassed attempt to spread my arms out to welcome death, but the statement still rang true.
"Ground Control to Major Tom"
Epilogue
I died.
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