My shit came alive and tried to crawl back up my ass
Hi everybody, I'm David. My wife died six years ago after losing an argument with me that she couldn't drive with her eyes closed. I miss her and her death really builds my character.
Anyway, I was letting out my morning shit and, you know, just generally enjoying myself when I heard this gurgling noise coming from below. I looked down to see this monstrous log of shit squirming and screeching as if it was alive and didn't appreciate being the cast off of my anus.
"Christ alive. What have I been eating?" I said to the empty bathroom.
Being a man without a wife I thought back to my previous 6 years of living on cereal and fudge. Would that cause my excrement to come alive? I wasn't sure as I had never paid much attention in school nor after school.
"LET ME BACK IN!" Screeched my shit, which I now noticed was peppered with small blood shot eyes from tip to tip.
"Excuse me? Let you back in my ass?" I asked, incredulously.
"YES! YES! LET ME IN. I'M NOT DONE YET."
"No thanks, buddy." I replied and went straight for the flush. Hadn't wiped yet, but could do that after this bad boy was off and away.
When the shit saw what I was trying to do it physically lunged up towards my anus using these long, weird, tendrilly type things. Now, this made me scream and jump forwards from the toilet, but of course my pants were still round my ankles and I tripped up, smacking my head, where my brain is, right on to the porcelain sink. It hurt for a second and then I think I went to sleep.
When I woke up I had that blessed moment of thinking it had all just been a horrible dream, that's when I notice my same shit from earlier crawling its way up my leg.
"Fuck off!" I said, as it was really gross.
I tried kicking my legs around and screaming some more.
"I HAVE TO GO BACK!" It kept saying in a screechy voice almost like it was suffocating. "I NEED TO FEED."
Fucking creepy ass shit.
I made a judgement call and shoved a shampoo bottle up my ass so even if he did get close he'd have something to keep him busy for a bit. Then I began to slowly crawl to my gun bucket, with the living shit screaming and crying all the time.
"Dad, are you OK?"
It was Janey. I forgot I had a daughter.
"Janey, I've done a massive shit and it's come to life. It wants to get back inside my ass! Go and fetch me my Smith and Wesson from the gun bucket."
"Ok." Said Janey.
"WAHHHH, WAKKA, WAAHHH." Gurgled the shit once we were alone again. I'd never been good at small talk so I just smiled.
"Here's the gun, dad."
"Thanks Janey."
I took the large revolver from my daughter and shot my fucking ass off. There was no way that thing was coming back inside me.
"WEEEECH, WEEECH." Said the shit. "MY CHILDREN!! MY EGG SACKS!" It continued.
FFS, I said to myself.
This all happened on a Monday at 8:15 in the morning, before I'd even started work.
Credited to koalazeus
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