My sleep paralysis demon keeps trying to get me to join her pyramid scheme

I wake up every night in a cold sweat to the smell of peppermint essential oils. That's usually when she emerges from the periphery of my vision into full view—impossibly tall, pale rotting skin, and an impeccable "can I speak to your manager" hair cut (although her roots have been growing in lately and it looks awful).

She walks, slow and disjointed over to me until she's standing directly at the end of my bed. "Hey hun," she says. "I've been watching you for a couple nights now, but I think you're so pretty and I was wondering how you'd feel about running your own business? Since I've started, I've cleared up all of my student debt, gone on seventeen trips to the Bahamas, got asked by Joe Biden to be his VP and single-handedly convinced Taco Bell to bring back their spicy potato tacos."

I never answer her, because I have sleep paralysis at the time and that would be unrealistic. When I wake up the next morning, I always find a trial-sized bottle of Arbonne hand lotion under my pillow. This morning, I finally made the mistake of trying it. The lotion was normal enough, and smelled pleasant, but there was something else--I felt an intense, euphoric rush. It's what I imagined heroine might feel like. I spent the entire day in the best mood I've had in months—how could I have waited so long to try it? I decided it would be selfish to keep this secret to myself, so I started telling some of my other friends about this great business opportunity.

Speaking of great business opportunities, are any of you interested in starting your own business and working from. If you need HELP taking control of your life, reach out to ME. Boss babes only, PLEASE!

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Credited to notstiflersmom 

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