Never do anything whatsoever, any time, anywhere, or something terrible will happen

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Lately I've been obsessed with a subreddit called r/nosleep (maybe you've heard of it). The really scary part is that it's all true, even when it seems like it's not! It's really scary you guys.

It's so scary that I've been making a point to follow every single rule. After all, it turns out there is so many ghosts and demons and whatnot waiting to go after you that it would be foolish not to take the advice offered.

It's taken a lot of very serious high IQ research to figure out what you can and cannot do. I've read real true accounts of people getting killed by monsters for such indiscretions as:

Looking out the window

Opening the door when someone knocks

Looking at a stranger

Looking behind them

Going into the woods

Going into old buildings

Getting married

Having kids

Having pets

Receiving a gift

Answering the phone

Going to work

Having parents

Not going to bed

Staying in bed

Answering an ad

Reading a text message

... And many more! So obviously, I now refuse to partake in any of these activities, even the ones that are impossible or contradict each other.

Naturally my walls are now covered with printouts of these very valuable accounts of supernatural encounters, each pinned and interconnected by red wool. It doesn't help me figure anything out, of course, but it made my girlfriend, friends, and family all stop bothering me. Thank god, since all of those things are just hotbeds of paranormal suffering.

So I tried just not existing for a while. Especially at night when all the scariest bric-a-brac line themselves up behind every tree, closet door and friendly face you see. It took a lot of getting used to, phasing out of reality for twelve hours a day, but it's worth it for peace of mind! It's almost indistinguishable from sleep, but since monsters love to murder you in bed I am positive I have managed to obliterate my corporeal form nightly, as there is no way I could survive the onslaught of horrors out to punish our every innocuous thought and action. I would ask someone, but obviously I have chased every single living thing out of my life, for protection.

After a while, though, I realized the truth -- the overlaps are so complete that it's a miracle we haven't all been devoured by incorporeal eldritch shark babies from the 7th dimension (which is obviously Hell's storage room).

So, I just wanted to let you all know.

That I'm on to you.

My research is conclusive: all other human beings, statistically, are almost certainly dead, and now all Redditors are just monsters trying to figure out where the last pockets of precious long pork are hiding. Feigning interest in karma and cake days to lower our guards, shaming us for wanting to know about the rules that protect us when clearly, we should be following every last one.

Anyway, enjoy planet Earth, ghosts n ghouls. It was a good run.



Credited to NihilisticThrill 

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