Nutella Can Cure a Man's Worries
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was the tastiest story I've ever written.
I was addicted. Needless to say, I still am. Some drink alcohol to get their mind off of their worries.
I ate Nutella.
It all started 69 years ago. I was an intern at Nickelodeon Studios, we were just about to make a new episode of our hit TV series, THE EVIL PATRIXXX. I loved working there, it was what I woke up for every morning.
But boy was the boss a dick.
He limited us to a bowl of Balls Sweat every day. It didn't even taste good. It was salty, and it burned my throat.
He shouted at us for doing one tiny inconvenience wrong, then he whipped us with his salty balls.
That was the only bad thing about my job.
I suppose I was alright at it. But every day I would get something wrong, then the balls whipping began.
Ok, can I let you on a little secret? I loved the balls whipping. I puposely made mistakes to let his-
Uhh, ok that was off topic. Anyway, after about 2 years of my job, he fired me. He said that I was a "delusional retard" and that I should "go back to the gay industry".
I was sad. I stood up off my chair, flew through the roof, then back to my house.
I went over to my local pharmacist for some anti-depressants. After all, I was sad that I wouldn't get whipped by my boss's ba-
I mean, I was sad that I lost my job.
Anyway, the pharmacist gave me them and I followed the routine of when to take them.
They didn't work.
I complained to the doctor, and he said that was their strongest dose.
I frowned, then ice skated back to my house.
I looked for anything that would cheer me up.
And then I found it.
Nutella.
I nervously took a spoon (my wife was watching me) and scooped a bit of this heavenly, creamy creation.
It filled my mouth with a parade of awesomeness. It tickled my tastebuds with the most heavenly taste ever! I felt fireworks go in my throat, my brain being cleared of depression, and my stomach dancing with joy.
My wife watched me, wondering what the hell I was doing. I took a large ladel, filled it with Nutella, then ate it all in one gulp.
I eventually just took a whole jar, and extended my tongue then proceeded to lick the godly chalice of Nutella.
There was no Nutella in the jar anymore, so I frowned. The depression came swimming back.
I found another jar, then the whole process started again until I had none more.
But the strange thing is that every time I finished a jar, the depression filled my head.
A few days later, I went down to my shop and bought more. I ate nutella every day, untill one day there wasn't any on the shelf.
I angrily asked the shopkeeper where it was, then he said I ate it all.
I shot lasers at him, and he disintegrated into a pile of nutella.
I skateboarded back to my house and sat in my bedroom, eating more nutella.
My wife walked in, crying.
"Honey, you need to stop."
"How dare you disturb my nutella eating time!" She knew that every 2 hours, 7 hours of it was me eating nutella.
"Yes, you must quit eating nutella!"
I flicked my head around, nutella flying everywhere.
"No! Nutella is my life!"
She hit the jar out of my hand, and it spilled everywhere.
I found it hard standing up from my now major obesity. I finally got on my two stubs of what used to be legs, then toppled over.
My wife helped me get up, and said,
"I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving you."
She stormed out of the house, sobbing. I was sad now. So what did I do? Carried on eating Nutella!
A light shone down from the roof. It was a giant jar of Nutella!
"I thank you for understanding how amazing Nutella is. I, Nutella God, hereby grant you flight."
Tiny wings came out of my back, and sure enough I could fly! I flew around the world, eating all nutella, then it was all gone. So I ate people, becausd my tastebuds had adapted so much to nutella that everything tasted like it.
So now I'm wanted by the police. I've eaten more than 500,000 people, that's more than Jeff and Slenderman combined! I roam around, eating people then leaving their remains as empty jars.
I am,
THE NUTELLA MONSTER!
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