PJ Mole's Downfall
Have you ever felt like a stranger? Have you ever felt like a bad song? Oh sugar honey ice tea sorry I didn't see you dear reader. So where we last off, me and my cohorts including RJ Mole and Globox had fallen in an underground bunker ran by the mole people. For some reason, the mole people decided to not burn us to death just as we were about to touch the fiery abyss. The leader of the mole people: Francis Goggins no relation to Mrs Goggins ordered for us to be set free. I also learned from Francis Goggins that RJ Mole and Globox had told the mole people all about their intention to bring PJ Mole to justice. The mole people then offered their assistance to the pair for they lost many of their people due to nightmares of PJ Mole and his associates Bee Bear and Moley.
After we were set free from our trap, the mole people brought us to a small sitting room which they had underground for some reason. I think it had something to do with a hole in the satellite picture. In the sitting room, RJ Mole and Globox were both drinking cups of tea and discussing how they should proceed with advancing on PJ Mole's troops. "Ah Green you guys made it! Whoa nice new threads!" RJ Mole remarked in his annoying voice. "Thanks.... so what's happening? We taking on PJ Mole or what?" I asked. "Not just yet." Globox said before continuing, "first dear RJ here's got to make some phone calls." So, while RJ made some phone calls, I asked the mole people about how they came to be for some reason.
The mole people revealed to me that they were actually real people at one point and had been converted into monstrous mole creatures by PJ. PJ had done this to them for they had mocked his appearance. An eye for an eye! After getting transformed into moles and getting shunned from society, the mole people were forced to move underground where no one else can see them! So sad. For the next several years, the mole people have been waiting in vain to get their long awaited revenge on PJ Mole, and this may be their chance!
Meanwhile, RJ Mole was busy ringing a serious of numbers. First, he rang Sam and Max who answered instantly. After telling them the sitch, Sam and Max both fell from the damp and dark ceiling of the underground caverns. "So what's the sticky wicket RJ?" Sam asked but he got no answer for RJ was busy making another phone call. Next, he rang Richard B Bee. Richard B Bee was a rogue member of the Pollen Jocks. In 2007, Richard was exiled from the Jocks after he was discovered to be honey laundering and also feeding information about the hive to other insects. The Queen Bee put a hit out on Richard, but he managed to escape after overpowering the pollen jocks who had been hired to kill him. He spent a few years in Empire Bay before returning to London where he got a job in a factory up North. Well that's his day job anyway for his night job was finding out more about PJ Mole. Because it fucking it is!
After calling Richard, RJ Mole made one final phone call. He called perhaps the most important person in all of funnypasta history. No not Colonel Dodo no not General Asquith not even Mr Parks. No he called.... he called.... he called Pimping Sanders. Pimping Sanders is Colonel Sander's twin brother, and as the name implies works as a pimp. He had made his bones working as a pimp in the slums of Paris back in the 1400's. Yes, Pimping Sanders is pretty darn odd, and this is because he is immortal for he once bathed in the fountain of eternal life back in 1497. Pimping Sanders can never die! Also, just like Richard B. Bee; Sanders was exiled from his home after he kept making rude remarks about the townsfolk most especially the local bell ringer. Yo Mr Bell Ringer what's going on?
Sorry I'm getting distracted. So, after making these three phone calls, RJ Mole explained to us that Richard and Sanders would be here in about half an hour. He then proceeded to lay a huge blue print sheet onto a small steel coffee table which lay in the centre of the room. "The plan's real simple fellas. We're gonna lead my brother into a false sense of security." RJ explained. "What do you mean by that?" Fritz asked. "We're going to let him take over as Prime Minister. That way he'll think he's won." RJ went on, "if he thinks he's won he won't expect us to stop him. We'll be able to kill him before he even gets a chance to infect anyone with Chemical 57. Once, PJ becomes Prime Minister he will give a speech right outside 10 Downing Street. I've got Sam and Max on the roofs with a sniper rifle. They'll shoot PJ right in his eye, and we'll laugh as we watch him die." "Well if this is the plan then why all the unnessacary characters?" I asked confused to which RJ responded by slapping me very aggressively on the ass.... I mean the toes. Yeah that's what I meant! "We need extra guns for what's happening Bruno. For you see; once PJ's dead, his men and the entire London police force will be gunning for us. So, Sanders is bringing us a getaway car." "Now are you okay with sniping you two?" RJ asked Sam and Max. It was Max who answered with, "no complaints from me RJ!"
At that very moment, Pimping Sanders came crashing through the walls of the underground caverns in his Rolls Royce. Also, Richard B. Bee was sitting in the front seat for he had been picked up by Sanders outside the courthouse in Dukes. What had he been doing at the courthouse? Well let's just say it involved honey trafficking. Bet you didn't expect that did you? "Come on get in! PJ Mole's already halfway to Downing Street!" Pimping Sanders yelled at the top of his lungs as we all made our way inside the car. The mole people didn't accompany them for they claimed they had something extra special planned for PJ Mole's finest hours. It hoped it involved fish and chips or coffee and cream. Boy what a team! "Step on it Pimp Sanders!" Joseph Green commanded as we began speeding out of the caverns, and using a conveniently placed cat flap were able to make our way back onto the surface. I'm not sure how a cat flap enabled us to escape the underground caverns, but whatever just go with it. If I was a toy!
While in the car, Pimping Sanders decided to put the radio on. The music that played was, "Sunset Balthazar." Ever heard that song before? Trust me if you haven't then you're real lucky because it sounded bloody horrible! It made my feet itch. I managed to scratch them as Pimping Sanders sped down the seemingly deserted streets of London. "Why are the streets so deserted? Is everyone inside having some desert?" Green joked in a wicked voice as Fritz said, "afraid not Mr Green. For you see; Boris Johnson is holding a public address this evening. He will speak to the nations of the world!" After Fritz said that, really sinister music began to play in the background. However, I then realised that it was actually just my phone going off. I answered it as Richard Fatchurd had called me. "It's cold up here boy!" Fatchurd cried as the phone call abruptly ended! Yes you see; because Fatchurd is so fucking fat he had to sit on top of the car because if he sat inside the car with us he'd probably crush us to death or stink us to death with his obnoxiously bad wind.
Eventually we arrived on a small side street just outside of Downing Street. We got ourselves out of the car as RJ Mole explained the plan once more to us. "Right Sam and Max; you two are on the rooftops. I left a sniper up there." RJ was cut off as Max held up a semi automatic rifle and said, "no need for that RJ I already bought one just in case!" "You crack me up little buddy." Sam remarked as he and Max made their way onto the rooftops of a nearby building which overlooked 10 Downing Street. RJ Mole then turned to face us and said, "right Richard you keep a look out just in case PJ's planned for our arrival! Sanders you wait in the car to serve as our getaway driver." "We're seriously counting on the bee to serve as our look out?" I asked which caused Richard B. Bee to get extra close to my face to the point of kissing. "Got a problem with that buzzy boy?" Richard asked in an incredibly threatening tone. Maybe he's the real villain of the piece? Whatever, with Sanders and Bee both assigned to their jobs, the rest of us accompanied RJ to a nearby street corner in order to watch the magic happen.
At that moment, PJ Mole arrived being driven in a limo by two bodyguards who looked like BBC extras. RJ looked puzzled and said, "nothing's not right. Bruno you and Fatchurd follow me. Fritz you and Green stay here to keep a lookout!" RJ commanded. RJ Mole sure does love giving orders doesn't he reader? RJ and I then proceeded to make our way over to Downing Street and made our way inside the building using the back entrance. Now inside the building, I asked RJ Mole what we were doing here, and he explained that we were looking for Chemical 57 which PJ had hidden some tanks of inside the Cabinet room. However once we got inside the Cabinet room, we both found ourselves locked in. The evil PJ had planned ahead of us. That's when RJ and I noticed that a small laptop had been placed on the middle of the table. We opened the laptop, and saw that it showed PJ Mole now wearing a downright ugly blonde wig doing a press conference in Boris' place. RJ Mole was also dismayed to learn that the tanks of Chemical 57 were not here.
We both turned out attention to the laptop as PJ Mole gave his speech as intended. "Ladies and gentlemen my name is Morris Johnson. I regret to inform you that my dearest brother Boris has disappeared. How did he disappear? Well my children; it is the work of common criminals led by a mole known as RJ." PJ explained as Sam and Max who for some reason I could see on another screen were getting ready to shoot PJ only to get knocked out by Moley. Moley then sang; "you're so yum yummy fat fat!" Moley then proceeded to throw the pair into a Tesco carrier bag. PJ Mole meanwhile turned to face the screen and said, "hello there RJ glad you could make it! Just a shame this will be the last time we see each other!" PJ then ordered his two BBC extra looking bodyguards placing some canisters full of Chemical 57 onto the road. "I say what's this?" Gareth Eggplant an incredibly rude news reporter asked as PJ didn't respond. "Open em up boys!" PJ ordered as the bodyguards opened up the canisters, and a large smelly and downright terrifying purple gas filled the entirety of Downing Street and surrounding areas.
The TV in the Cabinet room came on, and showed the news anchor talking about the outbreak of Chemical 57. "Breaking news! A deadly currently unverified chemical has been released into London tonight following the disappearance of Prime Minister Boris Johnson." The news anchor then continued with, "London has been placed under martial law. Police reinforcements from Oakton City have been drafted in. Stay in your homes and play monopoly!" Suddenly, two freakishly tall nightmarish creatures entered the newsroom, and tried their best to attack the anchor who cried, "Dallas! Dallas help me!" The camera then panned over to show weatherman Dallas Coleman rubbing the back of his head nervously as he said, "I can't touch them! I mean I'm not really qualified." Dallas then pulled a wickedly wicked Dallas Coleman smirk. The kind of smirk that only a mother could love. Then the two demon creatures turned their attention to Dallas Coleman who responded to this by running out of the studio like a mad man. How pathetic! For if I had been in his shoes... I would have well probably done the same thing let's be honest.
RJ Mole then tried his best to break out of the Cabinet room, but it was no use. Actually no it wasn't he was able to break down the steel security doors with his immense strength. So if Role Mole has this kind of strength why did he wait so long to break the doors down? I think it was some kind of self confidence issue or something not really sure to be honest with you. "So what now RJ?" I asked as RJ responded with, "hmm well we're fucked that's what's now!" We then proceeded to MGS our way through 10 Downing Street past PJ Mole's guards and corrupt cops until we eventually reached the kitchen. "This must be where they're keeping Boris!" I proclaimed happily like some kind of Spyro The Dragon. Inside the kitchen, we found out that the fridge was being guarded by real estate novelist Toad John who never had time for a wife. He was also still rather fat for a toad just saying. "Let's what's in the fridge!" Toad John said as he had one of his guards open up the fridge revealing that Boris Johnson was indeed trapped in there along with Sam and Max and the others including Richard Fatchurd who we had left on top of the car.
We thought for a moment that we would have to sneak past Toad John and his guards, but thankfully he was called away from the fridge by a mouse with a severe nose injury. "Boss I've had a tip off. They're in Kensington." The mouse said as Toad John asked, "Kensington? The royal borough up top?" Toad John and his gang of mice then made their way out of the kitchen to look at Toad John's collection of priceless British memorabilia. It's quite the collection I must say! Just make sure if you ever get the chance to see it; not to laugh at it because otherwise Toad John will have your head on a stick by sunrise. So, RJ Mole opened up the fridge and let the flame grow. By that I mean; he set the others free by puling the emergency release button which was conveniently placed on the smelly tilled floor which stank of toads for obvious reasons.
After, Fatchurd and the others were set free; Pimping Sanders and Globox came crashing through the walls in the hover car thing from earlier. "Pizza anyone?" Globox asked like some kind of Mr Potato Head as we made our way inside the hover car. "Where we headed?" Fritz asked to which Richard Fatchurd responded with, "we got to save Richard. He's been taken captive by a smelly hunter named Hunter John." They're sure are a whole lot of Johns in this story aren't there reader? Also, because Fatchurd's so fucking fat, he made the hover ship tilt towards the one side as we began making our way towards Hunter John who was having a little picnic in a small woodland area just north of Oakton City. While flying above the streets of London, I got a first person perspective on how Chemical 57 affects people. All the people had turned into weird monster hybrids. Even Dallas Coleman had been changed into an elephant monkey hybrid thing from outer space. Meanwhile, incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant turned into an actual eggplant or aubergine if you live across the sea! Wow how creative. Also, I should mention that me and my cohorts were all wearing gas masks expect for RJ Mole who was immune to the effects of Chemical 57.
Thankfully, we are able to land the hover ship properly this time as we arrived at Hunter John's picnic. "Oh bugger!" Hunter John cried as he began shooting at us with his shotgun. However, we were eventually able to bypass Hunter John's wrath when he explained that he had simply mistaken Richard for a butterfly. "You ain't that lucky bastard." I remarked as I then proceeded to light Hunter John on fire. Oh he screamed and screamed some more as we saved Richard and began making our way back into the air.
Sadly, Pimping Sanders had departed from our team for he had taken a walk up to the Court Of Miracles up in Paris. "Oh buggering buggerton." RJ Mole groaned as we were forced to make a quick de-tour to Paris where we saw that Pimping Sanders was smoking dope with some powerful and snooty business people right outside Notre Dame Cathedral. "Remember last year?" Pimping Sanders asked one of his good friends as he began laughing hysterically in a shrewd and really fucking way. Richard B. Bee then proceeded to hover above Sanders as bees tend to do ya know? Richard then proceeded to sting Sanders on his forehead knocking him out. He then picked Sanders up, and threw him into the hover ship as we FINALLY began making our way towards our destination. However, our ship ended up getting shot down by a local street hoodlum whom Pimping Sanders owed a great deal of money to. "Give me a crust of bread! Maybe just a crust of bread!" The street hoodlum yelled angrily as he began chasing us through the streets of Paris towards the shipyards where he eventually gave up for he had a deep fear of the sea. This was because as a child, he nearly drowned at sea after getting pulled underwater by a smelly fisherman. Oh man that's some good scum!
At the boatyards, we rented a pirate ship from the stationmaster as we began making our way towards the Tower of Leptys which is where PJ Mole was waiting for us. "Come on boys! We'll get that crumb bum!" Globox proclaimed happily as our ship was attacked by waves upon waves of gangster pirates. Thankfully, we managed to kill them using the cannons, and eventually arrived at the Tower of Leptys. Things were about to get juicy as if they weren't already juicy before!
Oh and by the way, Sam and Max departed from our team for they had gotten distracted by the lovely sights in Paris. Last I saw, the pair were helping an angry mob in chasing down a deformed hunchback. The crowd wanted to kill the hunchback, but he was able to narrowly escape their wrath by walking around awkwardly on a stage. "Quasimodo guardian of an ass!" Martin Frollo remarked as he watched from a nearby alleyway. The greatest alleyway that I can give is me!
Anyways, we were eventually able to reach the Tower of Leptys. At the Tower, all made our way towards the very top of the tower where we saw PJ Mole sitting on a small throne gloating about having turned London into a demon creature hells cape. PJ laughed when he saw us enter his domain without an invitation. "Watch this." PJ remarked as he used Chemical 57 on himself. Nothing happened for a few minutes but eventually he rose to be over 9000 feet tall. His teeth became sharp and wicked, his eyes turned yellow like a Simpson, and his snout became hairy like the forest. Also, huge boils formed on PJ's back which looked nasty, and his face looked swollen. "Oh my look at Quasimodo's hot body!" Pimping Sanders remarked as he charged towards PJ Mole which led to him getting thrown off the roof. He didn't die however for he landed in a conveniently placed pillow fort. Sitting on a hut I need a rehanger!
Meanwhile, Richard Fatchurd and Fritz fought with Bee Bear Hybrid and Moley. "You can call me you can buzz me cause you know I love your honey!" Bee Bear remarked as he was able to defeat Fatchurd and Fritz with no problem whatsoever. Moley then picked up Fritz while singing, "you're so yum yummy fat fat!" The pair are nasty little things who sing in the most horrible voices that you will ever hear!
Anyways, PJ Mole then proceeded to rise to become larger and larger. "Oh my wickers what do we do now?" Boris Johnson asked who had not woken up since we got him out of the fridge, but somehow still knew what was going on. Richard B Bee lifted me up into the sky, and we made our way up onto some conveniently placed platforms which somehow floated in the sky. PJ Mole shot lasers from his eyes which we were narrowly able to avoid. Suddenly, PJ grabbed us with his immense strength, and lifted us high up into the air. "If you like you can sing the pyjama song too!" PJ laughed evilly as he began crushing us to death with his hairy and downright smelly hands. "PJ!" I could hear RJ Mole yell as he then continued with, "look out for that bowling shoe!" "Huh?" PJ Mole asked as he turned around to see a large brown bowling shoe coming for his face. The shoe caught PJ right in his head, and caused him to drop me and Richard B Bee. I didn't die however for Richard carried me down to safety like a good little bee. PJ Mole meanwhile began falling dancing for some reason while screaming, "nooooooooo!" He then fell to the floor in a massive thump, and somehow this caused him to return to his original form. "Is he dead?" Joseph Green asked. "Yep." RJ Mole said as he gave PJ a small kick just to make sure. "Oh that PJ Mole what a douche!" Pimping Sanders remarked as he began sniffing his walking stick like a boss.
With PJ Mole dead, Chemical 57's effects wore off because RJ Mole had gotten his hands on a cure. Where did he get the cure from? Why didn't he use the cure earlier? The world may never know. Once everyone is cured of the disease; I was surprised when I discovered that Bee Bear and Moley had refused to be cured. "It's like I said Bruno." RJ said before continuing with, "the pair lost their sanity a long time ago. Singing and being fucking bastards is all they know." We bid ourselves an emotional goodbye from Bee Bear and Moley. So emotional in fact that Tim Allen who voiced the lamps in scene 23 had to turn away. He just couldn't get through it!
Everything went back to normal. Boris Johnson went back to being Prime Minister, and made a speech about Chemical 57 and PJ Mole. "So what can I say about this whole fiasco. Well we could avoid it happening again with a really big trap!" Boris proclaimed happily as everyone clapped happily. That's a whole lot of happiness! Don't tell Noel. Meanwhile, Richard Fatchurd and Fritz went back to running things over at Fatchurd Manor. Pimping Sanders returned to Paris where he continued to insult Quasimodo. However, Pimping Sanders harboured a secret crush on that Quasimodo. He couldn't let anyone know about the crush for it could his damage his social status in the Parisian aristocrat society. Joseph Green went back to running the sugar company in Hartley Dale, and as for Richard B Bee. Things turned out better for him that anyone of us. After PJ Mole's death, Richard B Bee was offered to become a pollen jock again. He agreed just as long as he got to give the pollen jock general: General Bumble a right good kick up the arse. Bee gave Bumble a kick up the arse which caused Bumble to cry; "ouch!"
Several news reports were made on the situation by none other than the rude news reporter himself Gareth Eggplant. I fucking hate that Eggplant! Also, Harry Byrd a reporter from Greece who had a German accent I think anyway tried his feathers to get in on the PJ Mole controversy. "Ladies and gentlemen did you see it? Of course you didn't see it, because you can only hear me!" Harry proclaimed as some nearby birds with soggy old socks for beaks laughed at him on a nearby lamp post. You know; Harry Byrd often goes home crying at night because of those birds laughing at him. He needed to build his reputation as a field reporter if he was going to get onto national television. Maybe Harry could organise a football match. Yeah maybe that'll help!
We held a funeral in PJ Mole's memory, and everyone attended. Even the Minister of Defence whoever that is attended the funeral. Don Salieri cried on Morello's shoulder. You wouldn't think that they had been at each other's throats only the day before. RJ Mole gave the eulogy, and everyone myself included cried but not because of the eulogy no because KFC had closed earlier that day due to a change in the silicon mass. Not sure what the fuck that means but whatever. After the funeral, PJ's body was dumped in a quarry. After getting dumped in the quarry, a priest said, "PJ Mole you have been buried in an unmarked grave. May no soul ever mourn your passing." "PJ Mole never had a soul." A sarcastic policeman remarked. He was the most sarcastic policeman you will ever see. Have you ever seen such a thing as a sarcastic policeman? Oh and as for that security guard we gave laxatives to back in part one. He's just been admitted to Royal Hope Hospital. You know we probably killed him. Poor guard can't even go two seconds without running back into the bathroom.
After the funeral, we headed back to Joseph Green's place due to his wife being on holiday with her boss and totally not her lover Charles. With his wife gone, Green was forced to cook us the after funeral buffet. It was a valiant effort, but it failed nonetheless. It was so fucking terrible! The food was incredibly overcooked and undercooked in some cases. The meat was raw and made me shit out eggshells, and the subway meatballs had been laced with smelly swamp water. It was the same thing that caused the downfall of House of Mouse many moons ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. After we were done eating and evocating our bowels, we were forced out of the house by Green for his wife had arrived earlier than accepted. His wife will no doubt insult Green for having a face which smells like a foot.
Ladies and gentlemen: I never thought the truth behind PJ Mole would be so crazy. This is the reason why only the PJ's Storytime series is available on the internet. This is because it's not PJ it's RJ. Now, some of you may be inspired by these two stories to look for some footage of PJ's Bedtime online. Trust me when I say you won't find anything. Believe me I've got my sources. Ha! Oh and about the mole people? They um got lost boss. Yep not even joking they legit got lost in London. How does anyone get lost in London? Well it is a big place Trevor it is a big place. I never thought that PJ Mole was such a bastard at least we managed to defeat him. Also, the last of Chemical 57 has been taken to Area 69 where it is being investigated by top men. Who? Top men. Goodbye dears for I've got saving to do!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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