Pissman
The vine twisted around my ankle. My chin slammed against the dirt, cushioned only slightly by pines; I bit my tongue very hard, and it was painful. I didn't know what to do now. My heart was thumping very rapidly. The smell of my sweat was thick in the air. Hiet (it or he; I don't know which would be the proper pronoun to describe this, so I will refer to it as "hiet") was very aware of this and approached behind me. I knew it because I heard the twigs on the ground and on the trees snap, the snapping growing ever louder. It became so loud that it hurt my eardrums.
"Well now, how did you get into this branch of the wilderness?" hiet inquired with a grin. Hiet was many feet behind me but I knew hiet was grinning. That grin made me think hiet said branch so that his question would be some kind of wilderness pun. That pun made me exhale in exasperation.
"I know you like to get people in your part of the wilderness all scared and sweaty then you touch the back of their neck because you can taste the salt through your fingertips and then you go back into your hollow tree trunk while hissing and waving goodbye, but I won't let you do that, so stop grinning!" I gasped.
There was silence. Hiet lifted me up really high with his scorpion tail and turned me around and I saw hiets raisin face with all the holes and hiets barn jacket which also had all the holes. Hiet shrieked in my face very loudly. Fluid sprayed out and I couldn't smell my sweat anymore.
"Since you know that is what I do, or would do, and also since you are a horrible narrator, I am going to do something else! By the way, this isn't a scorpion tail!"
More fluid came out of the raisin face holes and a ton of fluid came out of the scorpion tail and also hiets barn jacket flew away and hiets torso was all the fluid, hiet was all made of it, and it was all pee! Hiet was the Pissman!
—
That branch of the wilderness was transformed into an ocean on that day, and it is said that those who sail out into the middle will be confronted by a humanoid composed of urine with a raisin face with several holes which will ask you if you know what pee (that's pees proper pronoun, use it for the sake of your fate) does when outsiders come by. If you tell peem that you don't know, pee will touch the back of your neck. If it is not sweaty enough, you will spontaneously appear back on land. In this case, bury yourself alive or be swept away by a tidal wave of urine four hundred and thirty-one minutes later. If it is sweaty enough, pee will hiss and wave goodbye as it sinks into the ocean, and you'll be free to go. If you tell peem that pee likes to make outsiders fearful and sweaty and then touch the back of their neck for the salty sweat, you will be responsible for the second great flood. If you're going to be that asshole, at least warn everyone that they should build another Ark before you go sailing on the piss ocean (your boat will sink with you in it, by the way). If you tell peem anything else, you will fall asleep on the spot and wake up in the sewer in the form of all of the urine that you had in your body at the time of speaking with peem. And if you had no urine at the time of speaking with peem, your head will become a raisin. Not a large raisin either like that of the Pissman, a regular raisin down to the disproportionate smallness to the rest of your body. And if you don't go sailing on the Pissman's ocean after reading this, the Pissman will appear in your dreams and teach you pees pronouns peemself. Pee likes to test pees pupils too, so pay attention.
Written by Factionnaire
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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