Pocket Sand Preparedness

I don't know about the rest of you clowns, but I am absolutely packing pocket sand 100% of the time. If you don't do likewise, I guarantee you that any assailant worth half his salt will simply wait for that window of time where you are not prepared, and it is then that they will strike. If I was them, that's what I would do.

Listen, I'm sorry for being kind of dick but I really feel strongly that this is serious business, and I don't know any other way of getting my point across.

For those of you who still don't have a firm grasp on the grim reality of this world we live in, allow me to educate you on some of my methods for 100% pocket sand preparedness. I really hope that all of you who are carrying 50%, 90%, or 99.99999% rather than 100% of the time will seriously consider implementing some of these methods. It could save your life, or the life of those you love.

⁠1) sleep - Many people who lapse in their pocket-sand-preparedness do so while sleeping. They'll complain that it's "impractical" to carry pocket sand into bed. My wife used to complain all the time about sand in our bedsheets, but I had to explain to her just as I am explaining to all of you that waking up to find an intruder standing over you and having no pocket sand at your disposal is a hell of a lot more "impractical" than a little sand in the covers.

Here is what I do: I have pockets sewn into the inside of all my briefs which I fill with sand before going to bed. In order to avoid even a momentary lapse in preparedness, I fill the underwear-pockets before I remove my pants. This is absolutely critical. Remember that even a moment's lapse is likely to simply be the moment your enemy waits for to strike.

2) showering (and other situations involving water) - This one gets a surprising number of even experienced pocket sand users. They'll carry at all other times but for some reason not when they are in the shower or at the beach. (NOTE: THE PRESENCE OF A BEACH FULL OF SAND IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR NOT CARRYING. THE BEACH IS NOT GUARANTEED TO BE ON HAND AT ALL TIMES). Some people will complain that pocket sand doesn't work in the shower anyway because it gets wet. This is simply a misunderstanding of the dynamics of pocket sand. The simple answer to this objection is that wet pocket sand can still be effective. In fact, in some situations wet pocket sand is even more effective.

Here is what I do: It's low-cost and extremely effective. I take some pairs of jean shorts and cut off all of the material below the waist band, but leave the pockets attached. This leaves basically just a denim waistband with two side pockets hanging down. You can find plenty of cheap jean shorts for this purpose at your local goodwill or comparable thrift store.

When I am in the shower, I'll put this waistband around my waist and fill the pockets with sand. Of course, once again you should put it on before you take off your pants so there's no lapse in preparedness. At the pool or beach, I'll just put it on over my swim trunks. If you're really worried about wet pocket sand you can always line one pocket with a watertight plastic sandwich bag and seal it, but I usually just let the sand get wet. Like I said, wet sand is still effective if you know how to adjust the manner in which you wield it.

Look, I'm sorry for sounding like a dick but I want you all to understand how serious and important this is. Please consider taking the necessary steps to ensure that you have pocket sand on hand 100% of the time. You don't have to do it the same way I do, but remember that being prepared could save your life or that of someone you love.

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