Polar Express Bootleg Version
Ooh choo choo ch'boogie take me right down to the track Jack! Oh, sorry didn't ya see standing next to me on the courtyards. Now, my friend allow me to introduce myself if you'll let me that is. My name is Dennis Kim, and I work as a conductor for my local train company: Chilly Charlie Express Lines. Well at least I used to work for them until an incident happened. An incident so shocking so Christmassy that the mere mention of it sends shivers right down my spine to my ass. This story is all about a cursed version of a delightful Christmas classic known as Polar Express, and the viewing of this film is what resulted in me getting fired from Chilly Charlie Express. So put your seatbelts on ladies and gentlemen, and if you don't then I will know about it!
Polar Express is a classic Christmas film about a boy who goes on a magical train named the Polar Express. duh! The young lad does not believe in Santa Clause, and now on a train headed for the North Pole he finally begins to learn the true meaning of Christmas. The boy comes across several colourful characters including a girl and a boy named Billy who wears massive wellies. The wellies are so fricking big that it causes Billy to trip onto the snow in one scene. Upon finally reaching North Pole, the hero boy is given the first gift of Christmas by Santa Clause himself, and the rest is history. Now that we've discussed the plot of the movie let me tell you something. My wife and I have a yearly tradition of watching Polar Express every Christmas Eve, and she always cooks us enormous meals for the occasion. I mean seriously the meals are so big that the plates go from London all the way to Vice City. Sadly, our yearly tradition was cancelled for this year after my boss informed me that I would have to work on the trains on Christmas Eve.
My boss was a horrid pot belly red faced bastard who has a temper like you've never seen. Hard and as sharp as a razor blade, his name was Winston Big, but everyone on the trainline referred to him as Mr Big. No one dared to call him by his first name, because if you did oh man if you did! He'd throw you underneath the moving train. Sometimes. Mr Big if he felt that the trains weren't running smoothly enough he have you thrown into the train's fire. Yes, for some reason even though we are knee deep into the new century, Mr Big prefers using steam trains. In fact, our company only uses steam trains, and we don't have any of that modern new fangle shite. Mr Big was the one who informed me that I would be working the late shift on Christmas Eve. Upon being given the news I asked, "what me but why?" Mr Big grabbed me by my suit collar, and lifted me high up into the early morning sky. "Don't question ya wee little gobshite! I oughta feed ya to the Junkyard Dogs ya know?"
Oh good otters! Not the junkyard dogs! You see; security at Chilly Charlie Express Lines is our company's top priority. We want to make sure that anyone who uses our trains feel safe. We used to have this really stupid tiger as a security guard. I shall not give his name out for privacy reasons. All I can say is that the tiger would force people on the train to participate in a karaoke sing along. You had to sing for you had no choice in the matter. If you didn't sing, he'd forced you off the train. Thankfully, the tiger disappeared a few years back, and hasn't been seen since. I heard from friends up in Queens that the tiger owed a lot of money to some yid from Southport. They last saw him getting into a car with some big beefy money lenders. Some say that they saw the tiger living it up in the hills of Greece, but uh I begin to beg differ. Oh, I do love a good beg I do!
So with our dear tiger gone, Mr Big elected to hire some really dumb Junkyard Dogs to serve as our new security guards. Oh, they were so fucking annoying, and the leader of the Junkyard Dogs was a proper dumb dog named Buster. Buster always asked you if you were worthy to join the Junkyard Dogs. He did this because deep inside he was very shallow like the shallow end of a swimming pool in Berlin know what I mean? The Junkyard Dogs always patrol the trainyard to the best of their ability, but they rarely if ever actually do anything. We've been robbed constantly by several gangs operating in the area who steal our paperwork for some reason. I reckon they're handing the papers over to Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri always hated our guts as he was given a bad lamb kebab while on a train from Somerset to Sweden. He ended up getting stinking the entire bloody train out. So in reaction to this incident, Guy Fieri began scheming with Western Railways and Virgin: the latter of which he used as a pawn to pressure people to stop using our trains. That's certainly not the Guy Fieri that I know! He's just a greasy spoon, but I would trade it all away if he'd come back to stay!
So, now that you have some background on how Chilly Charlie Express Lines operate, I think that it's about time we get into the real meat and potatoes of the tale at hand. So sit back relax as I tell you the story of the Polar Express copy that shouldn't have been. I arrived at the trainyards at a quarter to five. It was already pitch black on the trainyards, and the local street hobos were stomping their feet on the streets outside the new convention centre. Meanwhile, the lamp lighters were at work plying their trade, and were lighting the lamps and not the rat! Dusk had fallen, and it was Christmas Eve for certain! I headed to the local cafe, and had myself a hot chocolate. At the cafe, the cashier looked a lot like Sylvester Stallone. In fact, he was an exact replica of that famous actor. He stared at me intently as I drank my delicious hot chocolate. After finishing my drink, I paid the cashier in full and upon turning to leave the casher did a strange thing. He grabbed me by the wrist, and forced my head to face him. "I got something to give you. A little early Christmas present." The cashier explained as he reached under the table, and pulled out a DVD shaped present wrapped in wrapping paper obviously! DUH!
The cashier handed me the present as he asked, "well ain't ya gonna open it my little son of wood?" "Well... I think I'll wait until the big day to start opening up presents." I explained when all of the sudden the cashier pulled out a revolver and pointed it at my chest. "Open the fucking present right now son!" The cashier yelled at the top of his lungs. I did as I was told, and unwrapped the present which was nearly impossible because the cashier had wrapped it so fucking much that it took me over an hour just to unwrap one layer of it. You may think that I'm exaggerating, oh trust me I wish I was. After FINALLY unwrapping the present, I saw that it was none other than the DVD for the Polar Express. It didn't look right. The snow on the front cover was red instead of blue and this made me vomit onto the wooden floor of the cafe. The colour blue had always had that effect on me ever since I saw the Blue M&M performing Mozart at the Lobster Inn. He was an extremely talented candy, but I just don't think that singing is for him honestly.
To be honest, I was very grateful for the present as we always show a movie on train journeys which were extra long. Suddenly, I was then reminded that I hadn't asked Mr Big where we were actually going. I turned on my heel, and left disappearing onto the cold damp streets. However, just as I got outside, I turned around to see that the cashier had followed me. "What are you doing out here asshole?" I asked confused as the cashier responded to this by pointing his revolver right at my bald head. "Don't call me that prick! You were the last order for the day. I'm coming on the train. I just got to lock up first see ya on there!" The cashier explained as he locked the door of the cafe. Meanwhile, I headed over to Mr Big's office which was located inside a small warehouse at the very end of the trainyards.
Inside the office, Mr Big was reading from a newspaper which detailed the rise in price for raw cookie dough. After seeing me enter his office, Mr Big placed his newspaper down on the desk as he asked innocently, "can I help you son?" He hadn't even bothered to decorate his office for Christmas. The rude carrot onion. "Yeah uh I was just wondering... where exactly are we headed this fine Christmas Eve?" I asked. "Why to the North Pole of course!" Mr Big proclaimed happliy as he rose from his desk, and led me outside onto the boardwalk. "Uh,,, you been on the sherry again Big? The North Pole is like 9000 miles away." I said only to get slapped across the face by Big who yelled, "do what I tell you to!" He then continued with, "and what does it matter to you anyway? You're not the one driving. All you have to is take tickets, and set up the movie. By the way what movie did ya get?" "Polar Express." I said bluntly as Mr Big grabbed my hand as he sang, "now I get it let's go!" We made our way onto the carriage, and this is when I learned that Mr Big would be accompanying us as protection due to the Junkyard Dogs being on their Christmas holidays. Lucky bastards!
The train wasn't very busy a given since it was after all Christmas Eve. The passengers included the cashier from earlier, Johnny Woollyhatson, Sam and Max, Colonel Dodo, and Trevor Evans a bus driver who used to take me to church back I was training to become a bishop. Upon seeing Colonel Dodo, I attempted to get off the train, but was prevented by Mr Big. I hated that damn dodo as he once killed my uncle for ratting out some of his partners to the governor. I mean seriously look it up. Colonel Dodo is a sick bastard! So, I made my way up the carriage towards the TV which hung from the ceiling. Underneath the TV sat a DVD player. I hopped the disc inside, and began checking people's tickets. However, from outside the train, I could see world famous detective Sam Bramsberry running towards the carriage. "Stop right there!" Sam cried as he struggled to throw his massive and overly heavy suitcase onto the carriage. He managed to climb onto the carriage as he proclaimed, "special detective Sam Bramsberry! Sam to my friends on spread to my enemies!" Bramsberry was wearing a ginger wig for some reason as he asked Mr Big, "better find a seat hadn't I old chap?" So, while Bramsberry found himself a seat the DVD started by showing an extremely weird commercial.
The commercial had two local weirdos visiting the M&S Christmas fair. They were extremely fucking weird, and kept bugging people at the fair when they were just trying to eat their food. Rude bastards. "Oh I love a bit of Len!" The female weirdo exclaimed as she ate a taco covered in cheesy cheese. "That is M&S sponge!" The male weirdo said as he and the other weirdo made their way over to a table which had Billy Bob Tanley eating Christmas dinner with a bunch of dodgy looking BBC extras. "Tuck in don't forget yer sprouts!" The male weirdo joked while poking Tanley on the shoulder. All the BBC extras laughed at the joke even though it was fucking terrible. Billy Bob Tanley turned to face the two weirdos as he yelled, "don't touch me you fucking dog!" Tanley then rose from his chair, and began beating the snout out of the male weirdo. A narrator could be heard saying in the background, "make your Christmas an M&S Christmas."
Suddenly, the DVD cut to show the main menu and it looked horrific! The Conductor's face took up the whole screen, and it was zoomed in so much that I could see his nose hairs. "Oh by Joe that doesn't look quite right." Colonel Dodo joked as he lit himself a pipe. Yes, Chilly Charlie Railway Lines allow people to smoke on their trains. Maybe that's why we've had so much financial trouble in the last 20 years. I then clicked on, "play movie," but nothing happened. The DVD was stuck on the main menu when all of the sudden the Conductor's face began moving as he said, "take the omelette without the eggs." And with that, the film finally started.
Hero Boy was shown lying in his bed trying to get to sleep when he decides to head downstairs to see if Santa has been yet. He crept his way down the stairs, and saw Squidward? Squidward? Yes Squidward! Squidward was dressed up as Santa, and was dancing in the living room to some classic 1970's jazz music, Upon seeing that the Hero Boy was out of bed, Squidward grabbed a chainsaw and yelled, "get back to bed boy!" Squidward then proceeded to chase the Hero Boy upstairs, but thankfully the boy was able to lock his bedroom door thereby preventing Squidward from being able to get in. "Oh buggering buggerton." Squidward muttered as he made his way back downstairs caring not a button for the darkness. Darkness was cheap and Squidward liked it!
Returning to bed, Hero Boy on the verge of falling to sleep heard something from outside his bedroom window. He couldn't be too sure, but it sounded like a train. He didn't get a chance to go outside to investigate as the Polar Express ended up crashing through the walls of his bedroom. Terrified beyond belief, Hero Boy put on a dodgy looking Shrek costume in order to look somewhat presentable to whoever had crashed into his home. The Conductor emerged from the stairwell of the train as he asked, "well are you coming or not?" "Where?" Hero Boy asked as the Conductor proclaimed, "why to the North Pole of course! This is the Polar Express!" The Hero Boy looked as though he was going to say something else, but the Conductor cut him off by yelling, "get on the train now! We haven't got all day!" The Hero Boy then crept his way onto the train as the Conductor pulled out a shotgun in order to make the boy move faster. Now inside the carriage, the Hero Boy found himself a seat and sat down.
However, the Hero Girl was not on the train, and instead she was replaced by Navid Harrid owner of Harrid's Convivence Store, and the Know It All Kid's glasses were 1% larger than normal which made me vomit onto Sam Bramsberry's ticket. "Oh dear why don't you sit next to me son?" Bramsberry asked as he got up from his seat so I could sit down. I sat sown, and began gazing out the window. Meanwhile, Sam and Max were playing poker with Colonel Dodo. "Do you have any Aces." Sam asked as Colonel Dodo responded with, "go fish." That doesn't sound anything like poker to me, but let's not judge for we do live in a crazy world of fools don't we dear? Anyways, Hero Girl or Navid I shall continue to refer to him as from now on then began pestering Hero Boy about buying some stock from him. "Listen buddy.... I got to get off here!" The Hero Boy exclaimed as Navid then began throwing Curly Wurley's at the young lad's face. "Take them all have a party!" Navid exclaimed at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, some really out of place Indian music began to play on the train radio, and Navid began doing a funky dance which made me gag violently into my pullover.
The Polar Express then arrived in the slum districts of Michigan which is where we introduced to Billy the Lonely Boy. However, I could barely see him due to the size of his wellies. Now, I thought that his wellies are abnormally large in the original film, but for some reason, they seemed be even larger here. I mean they were so big that Billy that was unable to walk properly, and he kept struggling to keep his balance. He ended up falling face first into the stone, and his wellies began stretching at an alarming speed. They stretched all the way from the Polar Express to New York City. Billy kept trying to get back from the snowy ground to speak with the Conductor, but each time kept falling over and over again. The Conductor then said, "hey I don't have time to waste waiting for you. Get on the next train!" However, as the Polar Express began to pull away from the house, Billy began giving chase to it as he soon rose to be over 5000 feet tall. He chased the Polar Express for quite awhile until he eventually decided to get a latte from Starbucks only to learn it wasn't Starbucks after all. It was Costa.
So, the Conductor then began stamping the tickets and then asked if the passengers desired any refreshment. And so, the legendary hot chocolate song then began to play. However, it was done in the style of an 1980s rock ballad, and the Conductor grew a massive mohawk as his tongue became green like a shrew. Eventually, the Conductor offered Hero Boy a cup, but he declined as did Navid. "Listen boyio drink the fucking thing down will ya!" The Conductor yelled angrily as he forced Hero Boy to chug down 100 cups of hot chocolate. I'm being serious here people, the poor boy actually drank 100 cups of hot chocolate. After consuming all the hot chocolate, Hero Boy's belly was so large that it took up the entire carriage crushing two kids to death in the process. The Conductor didn't seem to mind as he said, "now young man Christmas may not be important to some of us, but it is very important to the rest of us!" He was quite an arrogant bastard that Conductor! He kind of reminded me of Winston Big in that respect. Anyways, the Conductor then decided to stamp the tickets
The ticket stamp scene went like normal until the Conductor came to ask Navid about his ticket. "I no got my ticket man." Navid explained as the Conductor asked rhetorically, "no ticket?" Navid was then forced off the carriage by the Conductor, but he didn't go without a fight and was able to kill two of the Conductor's employees who had been ordered to help with getting Navid off the train. However, Navid wasn't thrown off the train, and much like the Hero Girl in the actual film became the new train driver. He ended up driving the Polar Express a tad off course, and ended up crashing inside a cafe in the middle of Scotland. The cafe was very high class, and was often frequented by Prime Ministers and Kings. Sometimes a bear. At the cafe, local actor Ronald Villiers was filming an advert for Cillit Bang due to the fact that the company's mascot Barry Scott was on holiday in Ibiza. It was rather ironic that Barry Scott hated that role so much, as his starring role in Cillit Bang's adverts prevented him from getting other parts. Ronald Villars was trying his best to show off Cillit Bang could clean bathroom sinks with ease. "Could you maybe try it this way Ronald?" The director asked as Ronald responded with, "nah that's too difficult that." The Conductor upon seeing Ronald yelled, "you get on the train right now!" You see, the Conductor and Ronald Villars had both trained under the same acting agency of Widdecombe and Pump. Sadly, the Conductor's acting career never really took, and this is why he bared such resentment for Ronald.
So, the Polar Express then crashed it's way through the rest of the cafe, and went down the busy streets of Scotland running over everyone they passed by. "Oh man this is the bullocks, if I had a train of mine I'd be doing this all the damn time!" Navid proclaimed happliy while running more and more people over the Polar Express eventually became lost in the Scottish highlands. The train was swaying violently from left to right, and was no longer on course as Navid had taken the wrong turn up past the crossroads. While driving through the highlands, a really smelly looking polar bear began giving chase to the train. "Oh God!" The Conductor cried at the top of his lungs. "What's the matter?" Navid asked as the Conductor responded with, "he's after me honey!" You see; the Conductor stored honey on the Polar Express, and it was widely regarded as some of the best honey in the world. The Conductor produced three shotguns. He handed two over to Hero Boy and Navid while he kept the other one for himself. The trio then made their way towards the honey carriage which was located at the very tail end of the express.
On the honey carriage, the polar bear was helping itself to some sweet honey, and there were also some bees there. The bees looked nasty, and I don't know if I can really call them bees because I think the animators must have been drunk when they were animating this part because they looked more like wasps than bees. The weird wasp hybrids were celebrating while the polar bear ate up the honey. "Ya lousy fat bastard!" Mr Big proclaimed who was busy eating some popcorn, and throwed some of the delicious popcorn pops at the screen. The Conductor then proceeded to shoot the polar bear five times in the chest with the shotgun. One of the bee wasp hybrids began crying hysterically as he had planned on asking the polar bear to marry him. He had also intended to ask the Conductor to serve as the best man, but much like Richard Bagg's medical school dreams it was sadly just not meant to be. "Ya greedy dick!" Navid cried at the top of his lungs with caused the Conductor to say, "young man Christmas may not be important for some of us, but it is very important for the rest of us!"
So, the Conductor, Hero Boy, and Navid left the honey carriage behind, and began making their way through the abandoned toy containment room. The containment room was used to store all the abandoned toys of Christmas. Navid found all these damaged toys very funny, as he picked some of them and laughed at them. The Conductor and Navid left the room accidentally locking the door behind. That's when Hero Boy was confronted by the Ebenezer Scrooge puppet, however it was no puppet. No, it was the real Ebenezer Scrooge! "Dance with me boy dance with me!" Scrooge proclaimed happliy as he forced Hero Boy to dance with him. It was the kind of dance that an old couple in Scotland do after getting conned out of their millions by the local Mayor whose got big plans than trees know what I mean? However, Scrooge ended up getting too into the dance as he accidentally threw Hero Boy out the carriage window.
However, that's when the film jumped back in time to the scene where Hero Boy meets up with the Hobo on top of the Polar Express. The Hobo offered the boy a cup of Joe which looked really fucking disgusting. Like no joke there was a slug coming out of the cup. Hero Boy slowly drunk the disgusting drink down, as he began coughing out his intestines. The Hobo grabbed the boy by the neck, and held him over the edge of the roof. "Nobody spits out one of my coffees!" The Hobo proclaimed as he then proceeded to throw Hero Boy off the edge. In reality, the Hobo had actually killed the boy because the Hobo was an old friend of the Corleone Family. Hero Boy had been an informant for the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, and had tricked the Feds into thinking that the Corleone's were involved in drugs. This led to Don Michael Corleone ordering the Hobo to kill the boy. He was truly a sick twisted duck that Hobo, but let's not judge because his mother used to force him to eat his shoes for breakfast. My shoes! Oh my shoes!
Needing to relieve myself, I got up from my seat, and made my way up to the toilet only to learn that it was out of order. "Bastard." I muttered to myself as I then proceeded to relieve myself in Colonel Dodo's glass of pre-war scotch. "Oh you little fucker!" Colonel Dodo yelled at the top of his lungs as he then began beating the snot out of Trevor Evans who responded to this by throwing an extremely rare diamond crusted Fabergé Egg out of the train window. "Oh Trevor!" Colonel Dodo cried in despair as he then leaped out of the train window onto a conveniently placed canoe. Dodo then began rowing after the egg, as I made my way back to the seat.
Back in the film. the Polar Express finally arrived in the North Pole, and like in the original film, the Conductor split all the passengers into groups of two. Now, what struck me as kind of funny was that the Conductor didn't refer to Santa Clause as Santa and instead referred to him as the big boss. Also, there were Vote Trump posters plastered all over the walls of the North Pole. I mean how could that be anything other than a political statement! However, unbeknownst to the Conductor, the Hobo and Navid decided to sneak into Santa Claus' factory where they come across all the presents including a box which was addressed to Billy The Lonely Kid from earlier. The Hobo opened the box up revealing it to contain an Xbox Series X still mint in the box. The Hobo latched onto the box for dear life, and ended up falling onto the conveyer belt which housed all of the presents for Santa. The conveyer belt then began moving, and the Hobo refused to let go of his sweet Xbox Series X. Eventually, the Hobo and Navid both ended up falling inside Santa's sack.... that's sound really bad um Santa's testicles. Oh um... fuck hang on oh I've got it! They fell into Santa's shopping bag. Yes, that's what we're going to call it from now on.
Eventually, the pair ended up crash landing in the middle of the town square, as the elves struggled to get Santa's damn shopping bag onto the sleigh. However, it wasn't a sleigh no it was a red Ferrari. The elves then opened up the shopping bag, and ushered Navid out of it. "Ah shut up ya greedy dick!" Navid yelled as he was kicked off the Ferrari by the elves who laughed hysterically at Navid's misery. Upon noticing that the Hobo was holding onto one of the presents, an Elf tried to get him to hand the damn thing over, the Hobo refused. "I'll take good care of it. Trust me." The Elf said. Oh man that Elf! His teeth were as sharp as knives, and his eyes were bloodshot. Also, he had a nose like a Turkish garden hose. The Hobo ran away screaming as he threw the present right at the Elf's stomach which nearly caused to vomit. I did a small throat laugh at that which caused Sam and Max to glare at me. Sam even went as far as to remark, "dear God that's rather cold son."
Huddling up in the town square, everyone gathered around to await the arrival of Santa Clause. That's when he appeared. I couldn't believe my eyes! It was not Santa Clause... it wasn't even Tim Allen. No, my friends it was... it was... it was former President Donald J. Trump! I guess this what Trump's job is now that he isn't the President anymore. Trump smiled a very smug smile as he made a podium appear magically. He stood behind the podium as he began to give an incredibly boring speech about the Cartels in Scotland or something along those margins. "Grab that present by the wrapping paper." Donald Trump explained as he then proceeded to explain that his grand masterplan was to make the North Pole great again. In order to do this, Trump planned on sending a series of elephants led by Colonel Hathi to trample Joe Biden to death while he gives the big speech just before he is officially given the title of President. With Biden dead, Trump will then fall from the sky from a conveniently placed helicopter, and take his rightful place in the Sun.
That's when Trump decided to do the first gift of Christmas, and Hobo managed to get picked due to the fact that Trump loved the way he played the beat of his own drum. It also helped that the Hobo was an old friend of Trump with the pair having attended Fordham many chilly Christmas mornings ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. Trump grabbed the Hobo by the neck as he asked in a rather stupid voice, "now what do you want for Christmas?" "A better Polar Express bootleg." I muttered under my breath which caused Donald Trump to.... and I'm not even joking here to start climbing out of the television screen. Now on the carriage, Donald Trump began making his way towards me with his tiny little penguin hands held high up into the air. "We need to build a wall around the North Pole." Trump said as he got closer and closer. I hid underneath one of the chairs on the very far side of the train. Also, I should mention that during Trump's pursuit; no else on the train seemed to be particular bothered by the whole ordeal. Sam and Max were too busy with their card game to notice while Trevor Evans was trying to best to con a sweet old lady out of her millions by pretending to be the Sultan of Backville. Ever been there? Trust me you don't want to because that place is... well to put it bluntly a shithole.
Donald Trump then began dancing towards me and threw the chair I was hiding under away. Now glaring down upon me Trump proclaimed, "you're gonna be huge!" Suddenly the most extraordinary thing happened as before Trump could kill me he was thrown out of the train by Johnny Woollyhatson. Before I could get a chance to thank him, the blue alien revealed that he had a secret of his own. Removing his woolly hat, Johnny revealed himself to have a small zipper upon his brow. Woollyhatson removed the zipper, and stripped down revealing him to be none other than Joe Biden in disguise. "Thank you Mr Biden!" I proclaimed happliy as Joe Biden said rather arrogantly, "don't thank me son thank the States." And with that, Joe Biden climbed inside the TV screen, and declared that he was would be delivering all the Christmas presents this year. So it was Joe Biden that delivers all the presents on Christmas Eve! The plot thickens!
The film then cut to show the Hobo arriving back at the Hero Boy's house, and was allowed off the train by the Conductor. "Now then... GET THE FUCK TO BED!?" The Conductor yelled at the very top of his lungs as he pulled out the shotgun from earlier, and began shooting at the Hobo. He ended up shooting all the windows of the house, and he even shot the snowman. You know something, that snowman had a really successful career after starring in a Christmas music video with Wizzard, however that all changed when a smelly and incredibly fat Scotsman stole his fame. Perhaps one day, I shall write a book about it, and I shall name it, "Blood Chills."
Whatever, so the Hobo goes to bed, and then wakes up the next morning only to be horrified to learn that Squidward was still there. However, Squidward didn't look like himself, and instead looked incredibly handsome. The Hobo and Handsome Squidward then sat down in the living room to open presents. However, there was one remaining present which the Hobo had not yet bothered opening. Upon opening said present, the Hobo was horrified to find a grenade, and attached to the grenade was a letter from Donald Trump. Here is what the letter said;
Dear, Hobo
So you thought you had it in the bag did ya boyio? Well you were wrong!
Love,
Donald J Trump
The Hobo had no time to even react as the grenade ended up exploding in his hands causing the house to become a mess of fire and madly rendered animation. While the Hobo died instantly from the explosion. Handsome Squidward didn't, and began dancing through the house while screaming, "noooooooo!" He did this while really out of place Italian opera music played in the background. Squidward then collapsed on the floor dead, as the end credits began to play. They were normal. There was however a post credit scene which featured some really dumb people giving each other presents. However, one of these dumb people was a stupid little shrew, and she ended up shaking the present which caused the cake inside of the present to become completely useless. Upon looking inside the present, the dumb little shrew pulled an incredibly shocked face but then laughed it off by saying, "it's my birthday!" Her voice was incredibly gruff sounding. Although, the incredibly fat judge laughed at her antics he began sobbing heavily. According to my sources, every night, that judge cries himself to sleep. Some story. Some Luca.
The TV ended up blowing up. The cashier then got up from his seat, and began clapping very slowly. He was pulling quite the smug face as he asked, "well what did you think?" "This was certainly not the Polar Express that I know and love!" I cried in despair as I sank to my knees. The cashier then removed his uniform revealing himself to be wearing an extremely fancy tailored suit underneath it. That's when it dawned on me. The cashier really was Sylvester Stallone the entire time. Needing some answers, Sam and Max proceeded to ask Stallone about why he had gone through all this trouble to make a shitty bootleg of a Christmas classic. "I made it so that I would have time to distract you." Stallone said as I asked, "distract us?" "Yes my son. Now picture this." Stallone said as he then proceeded to explain his evil plan. Basically, Stallone had gotten the bootleg from Guy Fieri, and the pair were conspired to use it to distract us while they placed a series of bombs underneath the wheels of the train. What distressed me most of all, was when I learned that Stallone had paid Mr Big into forcing me to work that night as he too was in on the scheme.
I began crying hysterically. "How could you do this?!" I asked as Mr Big responded with, "well that's the corner stone of the bakery is it not?" Completely ignored my question! The utter bastard! I then proceeded to jump out of the train window, and then using all my strength I was able to climb underneath the carriage. Sylvester Stallone wasn't lying. Underneath the carriage sat about 69 different types of dynamite. Challenging my inner strength, I began yanking all the dynamite from the train, and threw all of them into the deep dark sea. Once I was sure that all the dynamite had been disposed of, I made my way back inside the carriage only to find that ole Stallone was still smiling that incredibly smug grin. He would have continued smiling expect for the fact that Sam Bramsberry appeared from behind him smoking his pipe. Bramsberry said, "no need to fear Dennis for I saw everything."
Arriving in Barmouth, Mr Big and Sylvester Stallone were both carried off the train by Sam and Max. Meanwhile, Bramsberry and I made our way towards a local town cafe where we helped ourselves to a cup of tea and a cheeky scone. Well you know what they say; a scone and tea at half past three makes the day that little bit easier. Bramsberry then proceeded to explained the full story behind Stallone and Big's plan. Basically, Mr Big knowing that his train company was falling behind on profits due to other rival train companies stealing his customers allowed himself to be bought out by Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri's plan was to blow up the train, and because Mr Big was on the train at the time of the explosion it would look like he died in the explosion. In reality. Big and Stallone would have survived the explosion by hiding in the train's freezer. The pair using phoney passports would then go on the run to Bolivia where they would find some work down on the docks. They would have to work such long hard hours, but they believed that in the end it would be worth it. Bramsberry then went on to explain that the company would then close it's doors, and Mr Big would split his retirement funds with Guy Fieri and Sylvester Stallone.
I sipped on my tea as I began to ponder about what happened to Guy Fieri. "So uh did you guys manage to catch Guy Fieri?" I asked confused as a confused man would often do when confused about something confusing which confuses him. "No cigar." Bramsberry said before continuing with, "he's hold up in Hushaby Mountain under an assumed name. Something which rhymes with brown and electric telemarketers. It could be at least another three or four years until he is to be found." "So what happens now?" I asked as Bramsberry lit me a cigarette. "Well I need some strict assurance from you that you will testify in court against Mr Big and that bastard Sylvester Stallone." "You can count on me Detective!" I proclaimed happliy as Sam Bramsberry smiled intently at me as really cheesy music began to play in the background.
On the afternoon of Boxing Day, I testified in court against Mr Big and Sylvester Stallone. The Judge was a big chungus of a judge, and he had about 50 chins. "You two were ready to commit an act of terrorism just to save your business! I should have you both put away for 50 years!" The Judge yelled angrily. 'Oh yes give them the whisk star whip.' I thought confidently to myself. The rats were being flushed out of their holes, and it would be my pleasure to see those two bastards sent to prison. However, there was something false in all this that Bramsberry and I failed to recognise. The Judge sighed as he said, "but because of your fine families, and because I am a corrupt son of a bitch; I am dropping all charges." He then slammed his mighty gavel down, and those bastards Big and Stallone smiled at me as they made their way out of the courthouse accompanied by a band of pigs. Forget Band Of Brothers; Band Of Pigs is the film I want to see! I should sell that to Hollywood!
With Sam Bramsberry's help, I was able to go under a witness protection program of sorts which protected me from Guy Fieri and Sylvester Stallone. Thankfully, though Stallone and Big were spared from serving jail time both men did face consequences. Big was forced to leave the country by the local stationmaster, and upon returning home to Scotland he found his childhood friends to be as cold as ice. However, he eventually managed to remedy the situation by landing some work down on the shipyards. It all worked out well until the smelly cook gave Big some smelly stew which gave him a bad stomach ache. Well Mr Big is a delightful fella sorry about the salmonella! Meanwhile, Stallone's acting career took a serious plummet after his relationship with Guy Fieri was publicised in the LA Times. Last I heard, Stallone was busy trying to land an advertising gig with Warburtons.
I myself began living a normal life by breaking into people's homes, and stealing their books because I've become quite an arsehole thanks to Mr Big's influence. I never thought that one bad bootleg could have such disastrous consequences. So, guess it's true what they say in Hollywood; perhaps society is to blame. Now if you excuse me friends I've got a house party up near Fort Wallace to attend. I'm going to impress the party goers with my rad dancing moves. I had previously tried to impress the people who rode my trains with my rad dancing moves, but I had no such luck due to Mr Big waving his finger in front of me while pulling an incredibly smug face. Oh my giddy aunt there is so much smug in this story! If there's anymore smug I think I'm gonna shit myself. So, if you're ever in a cafe and you think the cashier looks an awful lot like Sylvester Stallone; get the fuck out of there! Run and don't look back. Maybe then you'll be safe, and though I've grown old the bell still rings for me as it does for all those who truly believe.
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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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