Poop Poet

When I worked at a major Australian magazine publisher, there was someone on our floor of the building who would produce a chocolate monster every afternoon, without fail.

There was no fanfare. No anouncement – just one ordinary day, one of my co-workers emerged ashen-faced from the bathroom, pointing back over his shoulder with one shaking finger as his mouth worked to make words, but no audible sound could come out.

It was the talk of the office for the rest of the day, and at knock-off time it was still there - but in the morning, it was gone. Not a trace of it to be seen.

Until mid-afternoon that following day, there was another.

I'm sure whoever made those wretched beastly turds had tried to flush them down, but they wouldn't budge - at close to a foot long and thicker through the middle than a decent French baguette, they'd lurk in the bowl like an ambivalent mud-brown saltwater croc, occasionally releasing a small burst of bubbles that would cause them to tremble, before settling back into place to glisten sleekly with intensified malice.

The cleaners started to refuse to deal with them, leaving notes on the toilet door that started off polite, turned nasty which eventually became outright pleas for whoever was doing it to stop.

But they didn't. In the morning, the bogs would be pristine, but by mid afternoon the rumours would begin to swirl that the Brown Bomber had struck again.

Eventually, the day came that the owner of the world's most ruined anus had failed to deliver – and so began the Great Witch Hunt.

Attendance logs were pored over – who wasn't in that day, who was off sick? Or was this just a mind game by a man so clearly colonically corrupted that he would stoop to stools of subterfuge just to throw us all off his remarkably pungent scent.

The next day, again nothing. And those days turned to weeks, and eventually office talk turned to more pleasant things once more, and the identity of the man who could deposit a Giant Redwood from his rectum has remained a mystery for close to 20 years.

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