Postman Pat and the Great Recession

Disney Wiki here we go! Well, I must say I didn't expect to be doing one of these so soon after the last one, but life has a funny way of sorting things out don't it my pork? Yes, as you can clearly see dearest friend of mine, I have gained quite the bit of confidence since the last time we conversed in one of these documents. Life hasn't exactly been going well for me and ole Sir Lionel ever since our adventures with the Pink One. The Pink One ended up abandoning us after a movie night at my apartment went horribly wrong. We all sat down in the living room in order to watch some Ben Stiller movies including Madagascar, but that's when Sir Lionel made a rather off-colour joke about Ben Stiller's ears being bigger than bloody garden hoses and this caused the Pink One to go ape. The Pink One was a huge fan of Ben Stiller and has often said he would sooner kill himself than give a negative review to one of Ben Stiller's films. Outraged by the rather off-colour joke made by Sir Lionel, the Pink One rose from the sofa as he pointed his dirty pink sausage finger at us as he yelled, "you fuckers are in for it now!" Oh dear what have we done? Well, actually what has Sir Lionel gotten us into now I should say! Recently, Sir Lionel and I have been applying for a job at a big shot shipping company in Dartmouth. The company were known for being very choosy and selective when it came to selecting employees for their company.

The head of the company; Mr Big who was ironically rather big as the name implies was incredibly impressed with Sir Lionel's job application which greatly exaggerated our skills in the field of business. For instance, Sir Lionel had written that I was a very gifted bowler, when in reality that couldn't be further from the truth. One day we went to the local bowling alley in Oyster Bay, and I ended up dropping the smelly green bowling eye right onto my sasquatch feet. No one had told me that the bowling ball would be so heavy! Sir Lionel had told me during the cab ride over there that the ball would be lighter than a pea that a laundress sometimes stuffs into mattresses in order to con old princes out of their hard-earned insurance money. The day was not completely ruined however, as Sir Lionel took me out for ice cream and I ended up sticking my smelly feet into the sundae which disgusted a nearby patron. Though in retrospect, he may have been disgusted by the burger he was eating which was caked in cod liver oil. Yes, that ice cream parlour also serves burgers too. Hmm some story. Some burger. Whoa! I simply must apologize for I am getting completely off track. In any case, Mr Big was very impressed with our credentials including a milkshake license approved by Old Man Patton himself. "Oh, my where did you get this?" Mr Big asked as he marvelled the milkshake license all the while pulling an incredibly evil smirk. "It was a nun we mugged her." I admitted with a glare like a pear as Mr Big began laughing hysterically. He wasn't even acting. He was genuinely breaking up. He wiped a tear from his eye as he handed us a contract which if we signed we could basically be selling our souls to the shipping company for the rest of our miserable lives. I was quite content with that as was Sir Lionel so we both hovered our pens above the paper when something happened.

The red telephone on Mr Big's desk start to ring a ding banana phone. He answered the phone and his face turned red as he heard what the person on the other end of the phone had to say. He hung up the phone in such an arrogant tone that it is almost suspicious. Ooh suspicious fox. Mr Big rubbed his temple for a good twenty minutes. I cleared my throat very loudly I might add as I held up my smelly finger as I said, "um I'm uncomfortable." Mr Big then said; "get out." "Ay what?" Sir Lionel asked as he put a massive horn up to his ear. He had stolen that horn from an incredibly smelly Monopoly Man lookalike who needed that darn horn in order to hear the murky blue waves crash upon the seafront. Mr Big then slammed his fists down onto the table as he yelled, "GET OUT!" He didn't have much of a temper ole Big, so when he lost his cool it was actually truly something to see. Fearing for our safety as Big allegedly runs a fief based in Newport, Sir Lionel and I made like a tree and fled catching the tube to the Royal Postal Academy as it was time for us to put the odds in our favour. Oh, and before I forget, I should also mention that during the ride over to the Academy, I got really hot as the tube was known for not having any AC on the count of the drivers not paying their taxes. Oh, those complete and utter basket cases! I was forced to light the lamps and not the rat, and by that I of course mean I was forced to smash open a window with my bare hand which allowed for the toxic smell of a crocodile fart to enter the carriage. In recent months, crocodiles have been sighted occupying the London Underground. Sir Lionel was very scared of crocs as his pet hamster had been thrown into a crocodile pit by his headteacher Mr Gael.

The Royal Postal Academy needed help as in recent months there had been an influx of lost media projects which were sweeping the nation. The Postmaster General (he refused to give me permission to mention his name in this doc), believed that it was an inside job and that one of his postmen was on the take. At first, he suspected his homie; Sergeant Post who was a known friend to the Tattaglia Family as he was known to frequent the crab games hosted by their Caporegimes. Hang on a toe! What games!? Ha ha! Yet, Postmaster General ruled out Post as he was too loyal to the postal service to even think of possibly turning traitor. Sir Lionel and I had solved many crimes in recent months and years including the case of the missing T Rex doll which some bugger had buried in his mate's garden as he was quite scared of the little T it would seem. I wonder what the story was behind that. Knowing that we were a pair who could get things done, The Postmaster General arranged a conference with us at his office at the highest point of the Royal Postal Academy. Sitting down in the company of one of the richest men in Britain made me feel a tad uneasy so I broke the ice by stuffing sugar cubes into my mouth and nose hole much to the chagrin of the Postmaster General who had wanted me to take these negotiations seriously. Still, he remained impassive like some kind of Tom Hagen as he said, "it's been three months. Three months, and you two have found nothing. I used all of my influence to get you boys here and you have turned up with nothing but confusion and delay." Oh yeah, we got hired three months back, but Sir Lionel and I were terrible when it came to procrastinating as we were far too busy preparing to give a speech to a bunch of college students regarding the danger of pirated DVD's. They might make you and your bowl dealer laugh like seals, but don't buy one. Please.

Sir Lionel attempted to explain to the Postmaster General that we had a line of inquiry whatever that means, but the Postmaster General could see through our ruse he could as he explained that if we didn't find the culprit in 24 hours we would be toast. He would actually make us into toast, and he demonstrated this by having Sergeant Post present us with a toaster which was the size of the Empire Arms Hotel. Also, while presenting us with the toaster, Sergeant Post was smiling the most smug smile that has ever been smugged. Sir Lionel and I left the Postmaster General's company with great distain as we proceeded to mug and kill two of the General's finest postmen. We had killed them in order to steal their clothes so that we could fool their fellow postmen into thinking we were part of the same party. We could have just asked the two handsome men for their uninforms as all of the postmen that train at the Academy are some of the most generous people you will ever meet, as they are trained to share anything with strangers from uninforms to sandwiches, even if the sandwich has heroin in it they'll trade it all away if you'd stay another day. Oh won't you stay another day? Back in Office Le Postmaster, The Postmaster General looked out of his penthouse window as Sergeant Post asked, "Sir I'm all one of discipline, but making them into toast isn't that a bit spicy?" Postmaster General sighed as he said, "those two boys need a serious wakeup call Sergeant, and who knows some day they may even thank me for it." How was able to hear this exchange despite not being present during it? Well, I talked to a few people I trust. Wink.

We made our way down the hallways of the Postal Academy until we reached the stamps and processing room, where we found all of the packages and letters all sitting together in a big old pile. I then asked Sir Lionel if we could pop back to London as I knew the local church was hiring people to join the cause of Mar Bars, but Sir Lionel discouraged me from this by wrapping his arm around me as he sang, "stop and look around you! The stories that you see." I stopped and looked around my surroundings and saw a postman taking a dump in a cup of tea. Disgusted, Sir Lionel explained between gagging that the Pink One was a personal friend of Scrooge McDuck who was part of the London Stock Exchange. The Pink One had tricked Scrooge into thinking Sir Lionel and I were mad robbers who happily mug any nun that dares walk along the canal. I mean he's not really wrong though is he? Thinking that Pinky was telling the truth and having no desire to question us personally, McDuck went around town pretty much badmouthing to us to any company that he could possibly find. The Postmaster General was the only one who had not heard the news as he didn't own a computer. I don't even think he knows what Facebook is because he's quite the old fart, but a nice guy deep down. You just got to dig a little deeper! It really ain't that far! The pooping postman got up from his cup of tea as he made his way towards us and sang, "I got something you want to see. Are you ready? Are you ready?" I began dancing and screaming like a mad sasquatch as I then asked, "what does that mean exactly?"

Revealing his name to be Mark Letters, the wee postman who was the size of a toothpick handed us a package which was riddled with bullets. He then put his finger to his mouth as he placed a hand upon Sir Lionel's shoudler and said, "keep it secret keep it safe." He then disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Ha only joking he actually left very awkwardly through the fire exit. Oh, man I sure do love a good joke I guess you could call me Joe King. Before opening up the package, Sir Lionel and I had a brief scan through the postal containment room and were able to find loads of bootlegs which were yet to be wrapped up including a horrid Winnie The Pooh bootleg entitled To Kill A Mocking Owl, the front cover had a picture of Owl getting hacked to death in the middle of the park by some gangsters. I suffered some serious PTSD from the sight of the bootleg as it brought back some rather unpleasant memories from long ago and yet not so very long ago. We made our way out of the containment room and down the hallway until we reached the security dorm. There was only one guard on duty who was a blooming elf who also worked as a janitor. We were able to distract him by claiming that someone had spilled some cookies in the breakroom. "Oh fuck!" The elf yelled at the very top of his lungs as he pushed his cleaning kart out into the hallway where he ended up tripping on a conveniently placed banana peel. I nearly let out a laugh, but I managed to hold it in as Sir Lionel headed inside the security room and opened up the package revealing it to be a DVD which as completely blank, but there were words written on it in mint sauce. I punched Sir Lionel which sent him flying to the other side of the room as he had refused to let me see the DVD. He crashed through the wall but don't worry I'm sure he'll be fine. I grabbed the DVD with my immense strength as I began reading the message which read, "The Answers You Seek Lie Inside." I ripped open the DVD and threw the disc into the nearby DVD player which sat beneath the largest security monitor in the room. I sat my ass down on the floor and I saw Sir Lionel returning to the room now using a crutch as I had unknowingly done some serious damage when I knocked him with my mean right hook. Start talking cookie. In any case, Sir Lionel pulled out a letter from his ear as he explained he was going to try roughing it, and by that I mean he was going to try and sell letters all across the Academy in order to determine who was the culprit was. "How is that going to help exactly?" I inquired. No response was given as Sir Lionel awkwardly left the room. So much awkwardness. It's just like it's just like red potatoes.

I turned my attention towards the security monitor which was having smoke come out from it as the DVD was not sitting well with the DVD player it would seem. The DVD began by showing some brief commercials one of which I think may have been an advertisement for a Garfield themed DVD as it featured Garfield eating from a tub of liver. He turned to face the screen as he said, "actually it's liver flavoured." Also while saying that, Garfield looked at me with the smuggest grin that has ever been smugged. Sir Lionel then came into the room covered in stamps and was or rather he appeared to be in a great deal of distress. I gestured for him to sit down on the sofa which they kept in the security room in case an inspector were to come a knocking. I sat down on the sofa which caused the bloody thing to go up into the sky for a brief moment, but we managed to come back down as the main theme song to Postman Pat began to play. Postman Pat! Oh what a Bobby jaguar! Ahem! Now, what I mean to say is that I fricking love Postman Pat oh my goodness I really do! The show centres around a postman named Pat DUH as he navigates through a town filled with spite as he tries to deliver all the letters. Ain't that what they call Murphy's Law? Well, no it isn't but good try though. To my horror, however the theme song was not right as the person singing the lyrics sounded much more harsh and nasty almost as if he had a bad day. Pat could not drive the post van for love nor money as he kept crashing it into fences and mailboxes. Also, during the part when Pat knocks on a door and slips a letter through it he ends up accidentally mailing a gas grenade through it which may have been given to him by The Joker. The toxic gas filled the entire house which happened to belong to Reverend Timms.

Reverend Timms started laughing hysterically but he looked very scared, and attempted to open a window only to learn that it had been shut tight with super glue. He then called the hospital, but they were very cynical and laughed along with Timms because they assumed he was laughing about the lack of Protestant people in the Greendale area. Timms ended up dying from the gas, but I won't shed a tear as Reverend Timms I think just so happens to be one of the worst characters in anything ever. Not just in Postman Pat I mean anything ever. There was an episode where Timms hijacked a train and almost ran over Pat's part-time lover Jeff as he spent the entire episode riding all around Greendale like a mad man or rather a mad vicar I guess. After finally getting the train to come to a complete halt, Timms played dumb and Pat laughed a mighty laugh all the while giving Timms a lecture about the correct form of address to use while riding public transit. I could however see malice in Pat's eyes and knew that if a cop had not been present during this encounter; then ole Timmy would have been in trouble. I do wonder then if perhaps Pat put the gas grenade through Timms' door based on his own accord, and this is the real reason why in recent episodes Reverend Timms looks like a completely different man. Though it could just be the fact he has been on the wine again. Enough about Reverend Timms, as the theme song FINALLY concluded with Pat running over Mrs Hubert as she was riding her bicycle to the Greendale Community Centre. The episode's title then came on screen and it read, "Postman Pat And The Great Recession." To my surprise and Sir Lionel's too, our lord and saviour Matt Damon appeared to have a writing credit. Now, I am not a religious sasquatch myself, but I make an exception when it comes to Matt Damon. I only go to the Official Matt Damon Church based in well you won't get the location out of me I tell you what!

The episode started with Pat arriving at Mrs Goggins' post office and he looked rather tired as he had been up all night helping Ted Glen who had a problem with his printer. Entering the post office, Pat walked up to the front desk only to be greeted by none other than Matt Damon himself who had been having a brew with Mrs Goggins in the break room. "What is going on here Mrs Goggins?" Pat asked with contempt before continuing with, "where be all of the letters?" Pat's nose was 1% longer than normal which made me sick. Very sick. "Oh Pat; you must forgive me I did send you an email. There won't be any letters today. As a matter of fact, there won't be letters for a long time really." Mrs Goggins explained. "Well, why not?" Pat asked in a rather dumb tone of voice which sounded rather out of character for someone of his standing in the postal service. Matt Damon hoped over the front desk knocking his leg in the process, but he did not care as he pulled Pat close to him and said with a glare, "sorry pal, but this post office just got stamped." "What do you mean?" Pat inquired as Matt Damon proceeded to take Pat for a walk outside the Post Office. According to Damon, he had recently funded an internet delivery service which sold goods exclusively to Greendale. For some strange reason not really sure why, Amazon and eBay were banned in Greendale after an incredibly fat man got killed by a blender, he bought from one of those sites. No one is quite sure which site gave the man the blender, so it just made sense to ban both right then and there. Sensing a prime business opportunity, Damon decided to capitalise on the lack of online traders based in Greendale by simply funding his own from the ground up. Matt Damon's postal delivery service was based in the neighbouring city of Bazooka and received government funding from Mayor Wiggins himself. Furthermore, Matt went on to explain that the company was called Damon's Select and had already seen a lot of traffic. Especially, since people tend to be doing all of their shopping online these days for obvious reasons.

That was when Postman Pat brought up the million dollar question by asking, "with the post office gone, what is a humble postman like me to do?" Matt Damon smiled evilly as he offered Pat a job with the incredibly promising starting salary of £99. Sensing it to be a trap, Pat declined the offer as Matt Damon offered him a glass of ice-cold water. Pat accepted the drink offered to him as it was a rather hot day after all. Pat took the sip from the glass, but as he drunk it you could hear Matt Damon snickering off camera as Pat's face suddenly turned green as he had unknowingly drunk ass water. The pipes in Greendale were very faulty which is why the water tasted so bad. The rotten ass water caused Pat to pass out, and when he awoke he found himself tucked up in bed and was being force fed pumpkin soup by Aunt May who had rented a room in Pat's loft. Pat had not intended to rent out his loft, and only did so after his putrid wife Sarah and really stupid kid who looks like a pickled onion threatened him into doing so. Aunt May was breaking the rules by inviting her current lover; Victor McDade to live with her. The invite was only for one lodger, so Aunt May was greatly treading on the walls by doing that. Victor stuffed a flaming hot water bottle under Pat's sweater as he said; "a wee hot water bottle will cool ya right down son." Pat attempted to pull off the water bottle only to get his arms held down by Victor. Aunt May meanwhile smiled a really dumb smile as the doorbell rang. "I'll get it! I'll get it!" Pat cried at the very top of his lungs as he dashed out down the stairs and opened up the door to be met with Ted Glen's smiling face. "Oh, Ted I've never been so happy to see you!" Pat proclaimed very happily. Hmm, that sounded rather rude Pat, but he made up for the remark by giving Ted a friendly hug and I was rather touched by the sight. Then again I once saw my local postman making out with my local washing machine dealer so this was nothing different. Hang on a second what has that got to do with anything? Ted Glen cleared his throat as he held up a white flag and said, "I've got a very good idea." While saying that, Glen smiled an incredibly cheesy grin.

Over at ole Glennie's workshop, Ted Glen began messing around with the printer again while Pat busied himself by helping himself to one of the many homemade Glennie sandwiches that Ted had sitting on a nearby workbench. In retrospect, Pat really should have asked Ted Glen if he could have one before he went on scranning. Anyways, Ted Glen ended up destroying the printer and caused paper to get all over the blooming workshop, but he did not care as he brought Pat into a back room with him where he revealed that he had rebuilt the Robot Postman who had once wrecked so much havoc upon the Longshore. Pat immediately recognised the Robot Postman, and held his face in his hands as he cried, "oh Ted not the Robot Postman don't you remember what happened last time?" "Leave it with me Pat, this little Dickens is going to sort out this little Matt Damon problem of ours as quickly as can be." Ted explained. "You have a problem with Matt Damon too?" Pat inquired, as Ted Glen nodding his head before saying, "ever since he founded his company, people have stopped coming to me to get their furniture fixed, they just buy it all online from Damon's Select. I just got a visit from my local shipmaster, and he told me that if I don't meet my sales quota by the end of the week I could end up out on the streets. We need to give Matt Damon a right good kick, and I thought who better to do that than the precious robotic postman who stands before us this very day." As Ted Glen explained all of this over to Pat who had helped himself to another Glennie sandwich, the Robot Postman raised its head as the eyes turned red like a golfer in Soho.

Matt Damon owned a massive condo which sat at the very edge of the town of Greendale. He was just about to go diving into his swimming pool when his butler Alfred Pennyworth came in and said, "I say Sir that robot waiter you bought has finally arrived." Alfred then began telling Damon a two hour long story about how a long time ago he was in the Congo where he saw a tangerine the size of a tangerine. "Some men just want a tangerine." Alfred explained. Basically, Matt Damon rolled his eyes for a good ten hours. Believe me, Sir Lionel checked his pocket watch. Ooh a pocket watch isn't he fancy? Ahem! Alfred had told Matt Damon that story in the hopes that Damon would agree to greenlight a film project he had been working on entitled Two To Tangerine. Matt Damon though usually very cordial you really don't want to see him angry, because when he got mad he'd let you know about it. Matt Damon grabbed Alfred by the neck, and lifted him high up into the air. He would have killed Alfred, but that's when he noticed that Alfred had cans of Campbell Soup in his eyes so that's when he chose not to kill him. He dropped Alfred down onto the floor as he ordered his two bodyguards to never let Alfred eat lunch in this town again. The two bodyguards carried Alfred away into a dimly lit hallway as he could be heard crying, "no don't do this to me!" Matt Damon wiped his forehead with a smelly tissue dosed in Genco Pura Olive Oil as he made his way into his condo only to be greeted by the Robot Postman who was busy making a real fucking mess of Damon's living room. The Robot Postman who we'll just call Robo Pat from now on ended up spitting oil over one of Matt Damon's most priceless paintings which was a painting of himself standing next to the Grand Central Station in New York City. In the painting, Damon was smiling an incredibly cheesy face. Too cheesy I might add as I do happen to be lactose intolerant.

Of course, Matt Damon was not stupid so he of course knew that Postman Pat and Ted Glen had been the ones to send Robo Pat after him. He already knew about Robo Pat, after read the newspapers regarding Robo Pat's havoc upon the Longshore and his spitting oil over some of the Molinari Family's strongest enforcers. That robot has got no fear! He also knew that Robo Pat had once ran the entire town of Greendale into a muck. Matt Damon stuck his leg out which caused Robo Pat to trip down onto the beautiful, tiled floor. With Robo Pat lying down on his chest, Matt Damon began messing around with the various buttons and switches on the poor thing's back as it was time for the odds to be put in his favour. Back in Greendale, Mrs Goggins sat at the front desk of her soon to be closed post office reading a book on to handle becoming poorer than poor in not a good way! Robo Pat entered the post office carrying a machine gun as it proceeded to rain bullets all across the post office, but Mrs Goggins though very old was incredibly quick and had amazing reflexes. She ducked beneath the desk and pulled out a double barrel shotgun from her ear. She got back up, and managed to land a shot in the robot's chest which sent flying out of the fucking window. Um that wasn't me who swore I swear that was Sir Lionel. I only speak the Queen's English thank you very much. Robo Pat though injured had not died from the shotgun blast and turned it's attention towards Pat who was heading to catch the Green Rocket. The Green Rocket is the same train that Reverend Timms once hijacked all those moons ago. So, as you can quite clearly see it's all coming together like a beautiful synagogue!

Postman Pat was taking his rat son to see the latest Martin Scorsese flick entitled Honey P, which was all about a crime lord turned rapper played by Honey Monster himself. Someone will have to talk about that film some day as it's quite the story. Wink. Though sadly it's a story for another day. Stay another stay another day! Ha! Wait a second, I laughed like I knew what that meant, but I really don't I'm just saying it because my accounts team pressured me into doing so. Well buggering buggerton. In any case, Pat made his way onto the Green Rocket and began craving a drink. He asked his part-time lover Jeff if he could have one of his many bottles of water. Jeff had recently bought 12 bottles of mineral water from a local Pound Land. If you don't know what that shop is, well don't worry about it okay love? Don't you worry don't you worry now! Jeff refused to give Pat a bottle because Pat rolled his eyes when he heard Jeff rambling on about how you should never go shopping when you're thirsty. I mean I'm not even quite sure how Jeff was able to see Pat rolling his eyes as he was busy playing Shrek 2 on Gameboy. Not a bad choice. Jeff then agreed to give Pat a swig from his bottle wink if and only if he gave him a farthing which came from Dickens' Day. Pat reached inside his wallet only for the windows on the train to be blasted open by Robot Pat. Robot Pat climbed its way onto the train and Mrs Hubbert tried to kill the poor thing by hitting it with a frying pan. Robot Pat was far too strong for her and ended up chucking poor ole Hubbert out of the smelly window which was covered in battery acid. I wonder if Mayor Hall had something to do with that.

Luckily for Pat and Jeff I guess, the Green Rocket ended up losing control and fell off the tracks and sped right into a local ditch which was being occupied by Shrek and a policeman who despised tank engines for not wearing sheep tanks. He claimed to be an honest officer of the law, but there were rumours swirling that he may or may not be on the Molinari Crime Family's payroll. He pointed at the Green Rocket and yelled, "oi you!" He sounded very angry as he proceeded to write up a ticket for Ajay while Pat and Jeff pointed and laughed at him. In a way, Ajay was a lapdog for the rest of Greendale, and that's honestly kind of sad if we're being honest here people. I mean come now. While he was busy writing up the ticket, Robot Pat got ready to shoot red lasers out from it's eyes at the policeman but he reacted instantly. He twisted his body around like he was playing a game of Twister and revealed himself to be carrying a handy dandy double barrel shotgun. He shot two bullets into the Robot Pat which sent it flying to the very edge of the ditch that the Green Rocket had crashed into. "No my boy!" Pat cried at the very top of his lungs as the Robot Pat ended up falling to it's death as the ditch was located on top of a hill in the very highest point of Greendale. It was the only hill in town which had stayed the same so the papers claimed. Pat sank to his knees and started crying as he said, "this is all Matt Damon's doing. He'll pay for this." Everyone cried about the loss of Robot Pat, even the miserable policeman who had committed the murder shed a fart of a Bart. Whatever that means I cannot tell you. Shrek was the only one who didn't seem to mind the whole affair as he was busy glaring at Ajay who was trying his best to push the Green Rocket out of the ditch. Shrek glared at anyone who dared to enter his domain without an invitation. How rude I must say!

Greendale had fallen into a serious recession ever since the creation of Damon's Select. Damon's Select was the only company that people would use to buy their goods from. You could buy anything from that site including letters, two tickets to Universal Studios, and even a bear. Matt Damon was very happy with the recession that Greendale currently found itself in, and he was such a cold little turkey baster that he didn't even bat an eyelid or shed a tear when he heard that Robot Pat had been iced. He knew that the robot was useless after it couldn't even do a simple crossword puzzle without losing it's cool. Poor bastard. Anyways, Damon relaxed on a sunlounger as he received a message from his new butler; Austin. Austin was very sad as he tried his best to get Damon to buy him a brand new floor for the living room, but Damon was having none of it by putting his arm around Austin and telling him to keep moving forward and to simply count his friends. Not knowing what Damon meant by that, Austin pulled an old dusty red tissue out from his pocket and wiped the sweat from his brow with it as he said, "oh golly gosh my word Sir; it is rather hot and the people of Greendale are planning to get back at you and our brilliant company." "Our company?" Damon questioned as he got extra close to Austin's face which caused him to smile an incredibly cheesy smile that only an Austin could pull as he said, "sorry Sir I meant your company." "That's better. You tell the people of Greendale that they'll never eat lunch in this town again when I'm through with them!" Damon proclaimed at the top of his lungs as he went diving into his swimming pool, but it was quite funny as he ended up shedding a tear as the water was rather cold. Well, it is a swimming pool Mr Damon. Silly bear! He ain't even a bear!

Now, Matt Damon though incredibly intelligent and a very skilled businessman he had a serious problem when it came to performing background checks on his employees, and if he had even bothered to do a few seconds of research he had of realised that Austin was actually an old friend of Mrs Goggins having been babysat by her many moons ago. Back when there was a cat and another cat and no one had to pay for air! It was of course in that sense that Austin wore a wire during his dealings with Matt Damon. Damon had hired Austin due to being heavily impressed with Austin's credentials as anyone would be. Through the use of Austin's information, Pat and the others were able to learn that Matt Damon was going to be attending an interview with infamous TV show host; Henrick Oinkerson who was quite the controversial head in television sales as he was once caught dining on pork chops at a BBQ in Queens. He was also quite sadistic as he was known to force feed people peanut butter even if they suffered from a pretty serious peanut butter allergy. Oinkerson was among the new generation of talk show hosts, and he had been aspiring to talk to Matt Damon for many a year. As a young hog living on the farm, Oinkerson had rolled barrels with his many dealers as he watched Damon's movies on an old and quite frankly very smelly DVD player. "This is our chance!" Pat proclaimed happily as he went on to say that the citizens of Greendale could use Damon's interview with Oinkerson as their chance to ruin him and Damon's Select forever.

At first, ole Ted Glen was apprehensive about the whole entire thing as Damon's Select was now regarded as a national treasure by the corrupt sons of Magra who occupied Greendale and would wind up supporting anything that Matt Damon said. Everyone gathered inside of Ted Glen's workshop as he explained to bring down Damon they would have to bring down his company at the very same time. Ted was fearful because if things went south, he knew that all hands were going to be on dick. I'm sorry; all hands were going to be on deck. He was very attached to me was Dick. Greendale had indeed fallen into a great recession ever since the inception of Damon's Select. People were being forced out of their homes because they could no longer work their jobs to get their precious bottled air, and in a reaction to this the smog in Greendale got real bad. Also, the streets of Greendale grew to become incredibly dangerous as there was gang members, corrupt cops, and nasty onion cutters everywhere. No longer were the lamplighters plying their trade and were now openly lighting the rats as if there was no tomorrow. Pat good ole Postman Pat himself ended up getting harassed by a street hood who stole his watch, and then sarcastically asked, "WHAT TIME IS IT!?" He was so obnoxious and laughed hysterically as he saw Pat getting chased down the streets by a bunch of kids who wanted to skin him and make him into a drum. Pat's van ended up getting crashed into by a truck, and the entire town had found itself in a similar state of pain and suffering. Ted Glen eventually came around, but one elderly farmer who goes by the name of Beardie Feel.

Seeing that he clearly needed to boost people's moral, Postman Pat placed his hand upon Farmer Feel's shoulder as he said, "you want something to believe in dear boy? Well, rest assure you can believe in me. Believe in that there sign." He pointed at the Post Office sign which still hanged proudly above the entrance as Goggins had never bothered to take it down even after the office was closed by Matt Damon all those moons ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. "As long as it hangs there. We got hope!" Pat proclaimed happily, when all of the sudden the sign was riddled with bullets by an unknown assailant. Everyone in the town square gasped even Ted Glen who had become so bored by Pat's little spile that he had began reading a magazine gasped at the sight. It was none other than Rattlesnake Jake. Rattlesnake Jake tipped his hat as he asked, "did somebody call my name?" "Yes they did Jake. Yes they did." Pat said confidently as he tipped his hat in return. I sense some romantic tension going on there, but I can't see Pat and Rattlensnake Jake becoming a romantic pairing that people will want to see more of. Now years ago, Pat would have screamed and shouted obscenities at the very sight of Rattlesnake Jake, but not anymore for he had become a new man ever since the great recession had struck Greendale, and that my friends is truly something all inspiring. Pat, Ted Glen, Mrs Goggins, and Farmer Feel all hitched a ride atop of Rattlesnake Jake all the while Jeff and the remaining Greendale residents including Granny Dryden, Aunt May, and Victor McDade would handle any assassin that Matt Damon sent their way. Matt Damon knew that the people of Greendale were going to be plotting against him so he deployed a large army of scarecrows to attack the fields, but they were easily fought back by the Greendale Resistance. Matt Damon looks like you've got a playdate with destiny and a packet of red potatoes! Wink.

During the journey to Damon's Select Headquarters in Bazooka City, Pat departed from the team claiming that it was his duty to stop Matt Damon. Rattlesnake Jake looked very sad as he stopped Pat from going any further by asking, "brother are you thirsty?" Jake poured Pat a glass of poison from one of his fangs, because he didn't seem to realise that humans don't drink poison. Pat declined the drink very politely as he did not wish to upset the snake's feelings. Pat made his way through the many cornfields of Greendale like some kind of Max until he eventually reached the very hill that Matt Damon's condo sat atop of. Matt Damon was waiting at the top of the hill with his two heavily built bodyguards who looked really hot and uncomfortable. Austin meanwhile was hiding behind a nearby barrel pulling a very smelly face as he watched this entire scene unfold. "I knew you'd come here." Matt Damon said as he pulled out a handgun as Pat pulled out a letter stamped and ready to go before saying, "you were the stupid one Damon. Nobody messes with my town." Oh, how Postman Pat had really grown to hate Matt Damon for he was very mean and his enforced no lunch in town rule for Greendale took place almost immediately this being the main reason why Pat had wanted to get revenge on Damon. Pat had been into town that morning to get himself a meal deal from the Golden Koi his favourite restaurant, but they refused to serve him with the owner Mrs Chu threatening to throw him into the same soup that she had once cooked JT in but that's another story. Why are you looking at me like that dear reader? Um ass noodles. Also, while walking home from the Golden Koi, Pat's hat got flown off in the wind. He then spent the next two minutes trying to catch it. That part made me very scared it did. Because of this incident, Pat longed to bring lunch back to Greendale even making that exact promise to a little shrew who wore a cowboy hat at all times in order to hide her DISGUSTING lice. DISGUSTING! While Pat had a little chat with Matt Damon, let's go back and see what Rattlesnake Jake and the others were up to.

They had broken inside the factory where all the dreams happened and discovered a rather shocking sight for all of Matt Damon's workforce consisted of cybermen. Some were loading crates onto a truck while others were busy scrubbing the floors. They all believed that Matt Damon believed in them, but Ted Glen wanted to prove them wrong. He asked to borrow Rattlesnake Jake's blackberry in order to record the scene. Oh man, you know it's old when they are using blackberries! And? What is the point in that remark dear? Ted sent the footage over to Pat who then inquired to Matt Damon about his opinion regarding his cybermen workforce. "They're just damaged goods Pat. Once Greendale has been reduced to a concrete parking lot, I'll have them all turned into scrap and sell them to Bruski's Scrapyard over in Empire Bay." Matt Damon explained evilly. Pat smiled a wicked onion cat smile as he recorded all of this and sent it over to Ted Glen who showed it to the cybermen who all began freaking out like mad men or rather mad cybers ha when they realised what their dearest creator really thought of them. One of the cybermen was so sad it's head bloody burst off. Well buggering buggerton looks like Pat really messed this one up. Wanting to stop the cybermen from going any further, Ted Glen pulled a white flag out from his hat and said, "leave it with me, I've got a very bright idea." While saying this, Ted pulled an incredibly cheesy face as he offered the cybermen two things. A plateful of Glennie sandwiches and the chance to get back at Matt Damon. "We're with you all the way Ted!" One of the cybermen proclaimed in a voice so German sounding that it is almost suspicious.

Back in Greendale, there was a lot more scarecrows than everyone had thought at first with them chasing down Jeff and Ajay who were riding down the train tracks on the trolley. "Come on Jeff move a bit faster!" Ajay cried at the very top of his lungs as he and Jeff were corned on both sides of the tracks by scarecrows who owed their allegiance to Matt Damon and Damon's Select. Granny Dryden and the rest of the resistance did not bother to aid the two as they had all gathered inside Dryden's cottage in order to watch some Harry Hill's TV Burp on the telly all the while Victor painted Dryden's ceiling. Dryden held up a stepladder for Victor as she cried, "oh do be careful love, this is very sticky stuff!" Sadly, Victor did not head ole Dryden's warning as he ended up making a real mess as he got paint all over his beautiful trousers. "Now you've gone and done it!" Dryden yelled as the episode did an awkward cut to a brand new scene which featured Matt Damon still talking to Postman Pat as he then said, "oh my you sly postman you got me monologing. Time for you to die!" Matt Damon was unable to fire a bullet as his gun had been clogged with strawberry jam. Damon got thrown to the floor after Pat caught him right in the face with his letter. Pat had filled the letter with a brick. Matt Damon then laughed that Pat did not possibly have the will to kill him, which caused a very wicked Pat to respond coldly with, "maybe not but he does."

Matt Damon became very fearful as he turned around to be confronted by none other than Rattlesnake Jake. Rattlesnake Jake glared down at Damon as he asked, "what was that you said? No one will eat lunch in this town again right? Well let's just see about that shall we?" Rattlesnake wrapped his body around Matt Damon who begged for Austin to help him. Austin smiled as he waved mockingly at Damon as he was carried off inside the condo by Rattlesnake Jake. Inside the condo, there was a large army of very angry cybermen who were waiting to see him. They were not out of the woods it may seem as Henrick Oinkerson FINALLY arrived in his bulletproof limo. He came out from the limo, and gave Pat a handshake as he said, "Pat this is a pleasure. I've heard a lot about you. I saw the whole thing too. I never knew Matt Damon could be so mean!" Yes, Oinkerson had been watching the entire scene unfold from just around the corner. Why had he not bothered to lend Pat a hand, well maybe it'll get explained in the DLC expansion pack; Oinkerson Adventures which stupidly adds a time limit to every mission all the while hastily cobbling together a story about Oinkerson attempting to get off the Mafia's hitlist. Some story. Some Oink. With his guest nowhere to be seen, Oinkerson opted to instead give Pat the interview and the two rode off into the sunset or rather to Oinkerson's recording studio in Greater Manchester. What's so great about it? Well, I wouldn't know. Farmer Feel then showed up at the condo carrying a torch as he asked, "is anybody there?" Oh and by the way, as for Jeff and Ajay they ended up getting gutted by the scarecrows who remained loyal to Matt Damon and his 'worthy' cause. I never said everyone would get a happy ending now did I?

Bless my soul Pat was on a roll! He had his interview with Oinkerson which went by swimmingly in all of the newspapers including the Greendale Chronicle. Over time, Greendale slowly became a happy place once again with all of the stores and restaurants opening their doors to a bright new future. Lunch time was finally brought back to the streets of Greendale as Pat returned to the town with a new outlook on life. He received a warm hug from the ugly shrew from earlier as she said happily, "I knew you could do it Joe!" Pat shot that shrew in the face killing her instantly as he said, "my name's not Joe kid." Could it be Joe King then Pat? The episode then ended with the normal credits, well actually tell a lie they were very nasty as the music was in slow motion and the letter ended up falling on top of Pat crushing him to death in the process. Now, that's what I call karma! Karma karma chameleon! I had no time to collect my thoughts neither did Sir Lionel as the door behind us creaked open as the Postmaster General, Sergeant Post, and their guest of honour the real Matt Damon who wished to offer me a role in his latest film; A Sasquatch In New York. He had recently issued a contest in 1972 boxes of Cookie Crisp, and there two prizes. A bloody terrible leap frog action figure which breaks the second you do anything with it, and last but certainly not least the second prize was the title role in Matt Damon's brand new sasquatch movie. He had intended for the role to be played by an actor in a costume, but chose me after being impressed by my photo which I had sent to Damon to serve as a cautionary remainder of sorts for what a real sasquatch looks like.

Sadly, I was going to shake Matt Damon's hand in order to cement the fact that we had a deal, but I ended up getting beaten to the post when Sergeant Post revealed that he and the elf security guard from earlier were watching me and Sir Lionel on the secondary security system as we were busy watching the Postman Pat episode. Sergeant Post lied through his teeth by claiming that I laughed hysterically at the scene where Matt Damon is carried off by Rattlesnake Jake. Matt Damon was very angry at the fact I would laugh at such a cruel scene, and my attempts to explain that Sergeant Post was just lying all fell on deaf ears as Matt Damon turned to face Postmaster General and barked, "you tell these young lads they'll never eat lunch in this town again!" Postmaster General pulled out a riding crop as he said, "it shall be done now shall we head home for some tea and scones?" We were escorted off the premises by Sergeant Post who stripped Sir Lionel of his postal uniform. Using all of my strength, I began strangling Sergeant Post as I demanded to know why he had sold me out for a crime I did not commit. Sergeant Post then revealed that he had been lied to himself by the security guard elf who claimed that Sir Lionel and I had spilled Christmas cookies all over the mess hall in an attempt to con money out from the Russians. "That doesn't make sense." I muttered, but Sergeant Post didn't hear me and even if he did he didn't seem to care as he slammed the front doors to the Royal Post Academy right in our face. Rude carrot onion I must say! Matt Damon wasn't kidding about the no lunch thing as Sir Lionel and I were now viewed as outcasts by the entire town and we were not allowed to eat lunch anywhere. We tried to dine out at the first ever Jack In The Box to be built in Great Britain, only to get held at gunpoint at the front desk by the big man himself; Jack Box. Jack pointed a shotgun at us as he threatened us with, "you had better turn back right now. Mr Damon has made it quite clear that you are never to eat lunch in this town again."

We looked everywhere to get a place to eat even trying the local fish and chip shop which is located by the docks. It has like 0.5 on TripAdvisor, and the food is always really rotten and full of bacteria and swamp water. Could it be the sea of old Greendale, or perhaps even the water from Shrek's swampy home. That would explain a lot to be honest with you if that were the case. The fish and chip shop turned us away just like the rest of them, but I didn't lose sleep over that fact nor did Sir Lionel as the fish and chip shop (I won't mention the name of it out of fear of them sending the LOL's after me), are really bad as they are already shaken down by seagull tax collectors who smile suggestively at you until you pay them with a crust of bread, a crumb of cheese, or perhaps even a fragment of underdone potato. There's more gravy than a grave about them whatever they are I tell you what! Not wanting to being shaken down by seagull tax collectors and having no money to spend a night on Captain Hook's boat, we were forced to hitch a ride on a nearby whale who goes by the name of Bubbie who offered to help us find a new place to make our lodgings. Sir Lionel and I sat atop Bubbie as Sir Lionel pulled the latest issue of The Daily Otter and said, "I'd like a spot of a tea and hold the milk." I gagged at this for some reason, though that could also be from the fact that Bubbie was swimming dangerously close to the local sewage treatment plant. Using a map from the 1800's, Sir Lionel was able to deduce that Candied Island was nearby and instructed Bubbie to take us there not being very nice or cordial about it either. He was quite rude. Yes indeed. Bubbie was having none of that as she proclaimed, "who needs Candied Island? Its sweeter at the docks!" To Sir Lionel's chagrin, Bubbie started taking us to a place far beyond the Candied Island, but somewhere that has a very good dinner menu and somewhere that Matt Damon's rule cannot reach. Also, while leaving I threw a peanut butter sandwich at some local businessman who has a serious peanut allergy. It caused his already fat face to swell up as he cried, "mm scone put." Well dearie me, I wiped a tear from laughing so hard as we began sailing toward the unknown.

Little did we know however, is that as we were busy sailing towards the sunset, Matt Damon was watching us leave from the nearby pier. He was using a pair of binoculars to watch as he turned to face his associate an incredibly scary man with a hook nose and said, "they are heading to Chicago. Send word to Salieri." Matt Damon then coughed out some eyeballs as he said, "you tell him that those boys will never eat lunch in this town again." The scary hook nosed man revealed himself to be Lord Nooth who controlled all of the salt mines in Great Britain. Sir Lionel and I had actually worked for Nooth in the mines back when we were both poor and content to be so. I had no recognised him because I had never actually met him as he kept a lot of buffers between himself and the mine workers. After being given his orders, Lord Nooth picked up a stone riddled with diamonds and started making out with before pulling a sinister smile as he said evilly, "excellent!" How I was able to hear them? I think we can put that down to somebody's chemistry set if you know what I mean. Bye bye! I really hope Bubbie is heading to Chicago like Matt Damon claims, because if she is then Sir Lionel and my troubles are only just beginning.

---

Credited to Bruno Tattagllia 

Comments • 0

Loading comments...