ROLF.XEX - an Ed, Edd, 'n Spaghetti Story
So, one night, after posting on r/the_donald, I was getting reddy for beddy. But, before I closed my Tor
browser, a message popped up on Yahoo Messenger in my Tor browser. It said "DOWNLOAD BUY XBOXXX GAME TO SOLVE YER LIMP DICK"; immediately, I was intrigued. I clicked in a heartbeat, and it linked to a webpage that immediately opened up two new webpages. One was an Amazon page for anal beads. The other... well, my dear reader, that was the EVIL Rolf game. Well, the page to buy it, that is. On Amazon. It was called "Rolf and the Chipettes: The Revenge Part II Rise of the Sith Lord Jedi Known as Double D". The title confused the fuck out of me, but I spent my -0.5 pennies on it. It arrived the next minute in a capsule. I opened it and put it in my Xbox ('cause the story's title .xex, get it!?!/1!!?!? lolxd) and the title appeared before me (and also popped out). It featured all of my favorite characters from Edd, Edd, 'n Edd: John Wilkes Booth, Bizarro, Someone Else That's Not From Ed, Edd, n Eddy, and our favorite Rolf, Rolf.
I pressed the Start Button only to hear a spooky sound. Also the game started up. You played as (shocker) Rolf as he explores the world of Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, (record skip) Edd, n Eddy, such a deep universe, I tell you what. The game played like a 3D Platformer mixed with a Real Time Strategy game mixed with Bust-A-Move, for some reason. I had fun partially, because I FUCKING HATE Bust-A-Move sorta, it's kinda fun. After a while though, I was sick of this game's shit, so I punched the Xbox to get the game out, but then I realized that there was an Eject button, and punching the Xbox only caused the game to flip the fuck out. Rolf transformed into what I can only describe as Cthulhu meets Megatron meets Goat Simulator. Holy mother of god, this was too much for my brain.
CthulhuGoatMegaRolf looked over at a currently-seizuring Lord Vader and said, "The one who will punch us will get my hoof!" Immediately, I was on the lookout for a Rolf monster thing in my neighborhood. But it never came to give me the hoof, at least not yet. Lord Seizure Vader said, "I am your AKRJRAJRORJIASOROJPR." I then realized that Ed, Edd, n Eddy is really based in purgatory, if you really think about it. Anyways, I just now thought to myself, "I wonder if I can still play this broken game? That'd be pretty sweet." I picked up the controller and mashed random buttons. This angered Monster Rolf and he looked STRAIGHT AT THE CAMERA (also into my eyes... I was aroused), and said, "So you want an ass full of hoof/cum? Keep mashing those buttons if you want to get anally pounded by my being!" I was shocked speechless. And then I mashed random buttons some more.
"I'm coming for you and I'm also just cumming, period!" Rolf the Hoofer yelled at me. I wanted this. He jumped at the screen and hit the screen like in the Ed, Edd, n Eddy theme song. "What the fuck," Rolf screeched. I was thoroughly disappointed with this display. I mean, cum on! Suddenly, the game fixed itself from its glitchy state, and Rolf and Lord Vader and The Tick all went back to normal. Because I was no longer getting any goat man action, I needed to do something with my time, so I continued playing. The game booted me back to the main menu, and there were three save files oh my god original! The save files had pictures of Ed, Edd, and, to my surprise, Eddy. This was too damn unpredictable for me like and subscribe.
I picked all three save files at once somehow, and it placed me in a side-scrolling type game, rather than the Sonic Adventure 2: Battle style game it once was (oh yeah, it was also Bust-A-Move, my bad). I was controlling all three Eds (Ed, Edd, n Eddy, for those keeping track at home) which was totally awkward to control. The game looked professionally done, except for the fact that it was poorly programmed and the sprites sucked and all of it was a rip-off of Sonic. Ignoring all that, it was pretty cool. The stage was named "Goat Soup, Anyone?" and I was confused. The only character on Ed, Edd, n Eddy who transformed into partially a goat in this game was Rolf, how could this be? Rolf was bigger than Jesus. He was my hero. He could do no wrong. He promised me sloppy goat hoof sex. He can't be the villain of this buggy awful game thing inside of a bootleg 3D Platformer on an Xbox in my house on the planet Earth, right? Well, let's see. CONTINUED IN PART TWO WHICH IS RIGHT NOW.
I walked along the level with my three Eds, jumping over tar pits and flaming cars as I journeyed farther into this bizarre adventure (am I cool on the internet yet?). Finally, I saw it. A shadowy figure that wasn't Shadow the Hedgehog stirring a giant pot of what seemed to be soup. As I got closer, the shadowy figure was brightened up by me getting closer. It turned out to be none other than ROLF. He had a Luigi-esque smile on his face, as if he was possessed by a fucking Italian. He said, "Want some soup?" I was hesitant to get soup from this git, as I was racist toward Italian people, if you couldn't tell. However, curiosity overtook my very being and I had to feed the Eds some soup. I collided the Eds with the ladle Rolf was presenting to them, and they automatically ate that stuff. During the animation of them eating the soup, I noticed something: the soup was a deep brown color. I realized something else: the pot was actually a chamber pot! They were eating poop!
I was so disgusted that I vomited internally somehow. Baffled, I read the text that appeared. "Technically, it's goat soup. MORE LIKE GOAT POOP!" Once again, I puked. How could this be so disgusting/scary? Who could have made this? Who could have corrupted such an innocent and holy character as Rolf? And then, I saw it. The ladle that Rolf used? It wasn't a ladle at all. It was Plank! Plank, somehow reacting to me realizing it was him, stood erect, and stared at the screen. He slowly turned toward the Eds, and he lunged forward. The screen cut to black before the money shot of violence. Text appeared: "WOOD YOU LIKE TO PLAY AGAIN?" That, audience, was by far the scariest pun I've ever heard in my life.
There were two options: "Yes" and "Maybe". I, being spooked as hard as wood, chose "Maybe". A jump scare of a supremely actual Plank popped up and made a noise like a car crash between a car driven by Satan and a car driven by Jack Skellington. The noise was so loud I was propelled outside of my window and fell two whole stories down. Luckily, a couple branches from a tree, a floating weather balloon, someone's science fair project that involved floating, a freaking bird, and a fat lady broke my fall, so I survived to tell this tale of absolute terror. I went back up to my apartment and resumed playing.
It presented the "WOOD YOU BULLSHIT ETC." choice again, but this time I chose "Yes". The same very real Plank appeared, but without spooking me. He said, "I had fun toying with that Christ-like figure known as Rolf, now you will be my plaything." I was completely crapping my drawers. But then he said, "...Sexually!" and I immediately was unterrified. "Okay," I said. "Wait, what!? You're supposed to be unwilling! That's how anal rape works," the evil wood thing yelled in frustration. "I'm okay with being sexually dominated by a cartoon character. That's my fetish," I replied. "Fuck this," Plank said, and he immediately shut the game down.
Dammit, I thought. This is the second time I was denied sexy time by the characters of Ed, Edd, n Eddy in one day. My life is sucky. "DO IT," a voice suddenly said to me from somewhere, don't ask. Holy shit. He's right. I am a total loser asshole, and my life is worth nothing. I prepared a noose to kill myself.
"NO," I heard the same voice say, "DON'T KILL YOURSELF! THERE'S ALWAYS A CHANCE THAT ANOTHER CARTOON CHARACTER WILL WANT TO POUND YOUR BUM. YOU NEED TO SAVE YOURSELF BY PLEDGING ALLEGIANCE TO MORMONISM!" Holy shit. He's even more right than before. Mormonism is the only way to the path of good old fashioned cartoon anal gang bang. I must devote myself to Mormon Jesus or whatever they believe in. I asked, "Who are you, wise presumably Mormon voice?" The voice responded, "LOOK BEHIND YOU." I looked behind me, and it was the TV with an image of Rolf on it. It all makes since now! Rolf is the one true man who knows what's up! Fuck Mormonism! I'm creating the Cult of Rolf! "NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Rolf yelled. "I'm making my own choices for once! I'm making a religion and we're gonna fuck all the anime titties we want, and then I'll post my story to the Trollpasta Wiki!" I said. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOADSJORAJRJA!!!" Rolf yelled as he melted away to nothingness. Lucky for me, not existing doesn't keep you from having a religion based on you lol I'm so funny.
Epilogue
Our hero, Fred "Cartoon Star Fucker" Edderson, founded the Cult of Rolf on July 15th, 1997. The cult had two members, both of which were Fred Edderson. His genius idea of marketing his religion on a Geocities page didn't produce much. He later went for a naked joyride in the state of Montana and was shot dead by police for being a fuckwad. This story was discovered covered in semen in his old apartment. The words, "I NEED THE HOOF IN MY ASS" was scrawled all over the walls. The Xbox game that Edderson wrote this story about, shockingly enough, doesn't exist. He was completely hopped up on methamphetamine at the time of writing, or some other drug, I dunno. The paper was typed down for documenting, and then his apartment, along with the paper, was burned down. His last wish of it being posted on the Trollpasta Wiki will be fulfilled, for better or for worse.
However, the semen encrusted paper has been said to have been sighted somewhere in New Jersey. Anyone that is said to have read the paper has immediately gone missing. At least, for a while. If they are found, they are a rotting corpse with hundreds of splinters in their body. If you see this paper that is all gross looking, DO NOT READ IT! This is a special report from the Totally Legit Police Force saying that any contact with the paper could lead to a woody DEATH.
Written by InvertMike
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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