As soon as I turned 13 years old; my parents' first action was getting me a job. I was initially quite happy to get a job as I was planning on saving my money to get a Sega Dreamcast. I know that Sega Dreamcasts are pretty old now, but I'm more of a retro gamer to be honest with ya. My happiness of getting a job quickly turned into dread and anger when I discovered that my parents had landed me a job at a corner shop. Now that wouldn't have been so bad if had not been for the fact that the shop was ran by a horrid man known as Mr Turnips. Mr Turnips as I said before was a horrid man who hoarded newspapers and Mars bars. Even though I was his biggest asset; Mr Turnips treated me like scum and often forgot to pay me.
This led me to start stealing Mars bars from him when he wasn't looking. I hated working for Turnips, and he hated me just the same. He was however unware that I was stealing from him. He believed that his Mars bar supply was being stolen by rival corner stores.
Mr Turnips and I butted heads constantly over everything under the sun. I detested how he ran the store, and how he acted nice and friendly with me whenever my parents were around, but as soon as they left he went back to being an annoying son of a gun. Mr Turnips was also corrupt as he was getting protection from Kenny Petrovic: the most powerful Russian gangster in the city. Petrovic protects the corner shop with his iron fist, and Mr Turnips returns the favour by providing kickbacks to Petrovic and his crew.
I was somewhat lucky to get a job working for Turnips as he was incredibly distrustful of new faces. Ever since his wife Martha ran off with a scuba instructor, Mr Turnips became a hard man to be around ya know? He often accused me of working as a spy for rival corner shops even though there was no evidence to back this up. Regardless, Turnips always felt like he had to keep an extra close eye on me. I found this to be incredibly insulting, and asked for my parents' assistance in the matter. My parents however believed Mr Turnips to be a great man, and that his methods were something really inspiring. They actually told Mr Turnips to keep an eye on me as they didn't trust me either. Oh how quaint.
Anyways, Mr Turnips used me as a door to door salesman of sorts. I would go to people's homes, and offer them some of Mr Turnip's merchandise. Now because I live in a very rough area I am often robbed on a semi regular basis. Now even though it's not my fault; Turnips believes that I got robbed on purpose just to mess with him.
I wanted to get some sweet revenge so I started throwing some pretty harmless pranks on Mr Turnips such as spiking his cup of tea with whiskey. This caused Turnips to start dancing on the roof until 4'o clock in the morning whilst listening to Queen. I had also began nicking Mars bars from him on a far more regular basis. I made sure to steal at least two every day. This was until I was eventually caught by Mr Turnips, and he gave me a lesson that I shall never forget for the rest of my life.
After I was caught stealing Mars Bar, I was brought into the backroom by Turnips. There was a small dirty and smelly DVD player sitting on top of a table in the very corner of the room. I asked, "what's going on here Boss?" "I got a little present for you my boy." Mr Turnips said as he pointed towards the DVD player. "This DVD player contains the very thing which will set you on the right path." Mr Turnips then proceeded to explain that there was a DVD inside the DVD player which contained a never before seen episode of The New Adventures of Winnie The Pooh. The episode had been created by Turnips' close friend and benefactor Prime Minister Rabe Maniels. Rabe actually used to work for Turnips when he was a small child living in the land of Wales.
Now I was very excited to say the very least. I had not seen The New Adventures of Winnie The Pooh in almost ten years. The show is about Winnie The Pooh and his friends going on some crazy adventures while Christopher Robin is at school. The show aired on Playhouse Disney until the network decided to replace it with My Friends Tigger & Pooh. The less said about that show the better. I was also curious as to what this never before seen episode would be like. Although I must admit; I was very confused as to why the Prime Minister would make an episode of Winnie The Pooh but in the end I decided not to dwell on it.
Mr Turnips headed into the main area of the store in order to continue serving people while I watched the DVD. The DVD started with a brief commercial which had Bob the Tomato asking Larry the Cucumber an incredibly hard question. I can't even really remember what it was to be honest with ya. Something to do with solar energy or something. "No Bob I cannot say that I am. I am sorry Bob!" Larry proclaimed as he began floating towards the sky. Bob looked up at Larry with an incredibly shocked face before he began melting into the floor.
With that, the episode started with the theme song which just wasn't right. For starters, Pooh's nose was green instead of black which made me vomit all over the floor. The person singing the lyrics kept stuttering and even began asking for help in singing the lyrics. "It's time to get up.... it's uh um it's... uh gotta see a friend.... how does this go again?" The singer sang. It was so bloody annoying. Also, during the part where Pooh was shown crossing his arms; he instead began running towards the camera like a mad man. Tigger also had no stripes which again made me vomit all over the place. Finally, when Pooh was shown shoving honey into Eeyore's mouth; Eeyore responded by beating the snout out of Pooh. And with that, the episode cut to black before coming back with the title of the episode appearing on screen.
The name of the episode was, "Rabbit's Phobia." It started with Rabbit doing some gardening as always before Tigger began jumping towards him. Tigger ended up jumping through the entire field thereby completing destroying all of Rabbit's crops in the process. "Oh Tigger look what you've done!" Rabbit cried in despair as Tigger responded with, "oh sorry Rabbit I'm off to Hushaby Mountain!" And with that, Tigger continued to jump down the road all the way towards Roo's house. Rabbit went back to picking up some of the crops which Tigger hadn't destroyed. "I don't understand why that damn tiger can't just leave me alone!" Rabbit cried as he placed the crops inside of a wooden basket.
The screen then transitioned to show Rabbit sitting in his living room with a cup of tea. Suddenly a knock occurred at the front door, and Rabbit got up to go and see who it was. He opened the door to reveal none other than Winnie The Pooh himself. "What are you doing here Pooh?" Rabbit asked in a gruff voice as Pooh responded with, "I was wondering if you had some honey to spare a friend Rabbit?" Rabbit then sighed before saying, "come with me Pooh." Rabbit made his way inside the kitchen with Pooh following behind him. Rabbit removed a large pot of honey from the top of a cabinet and handed it to Pooh. "How much do you want Pooh?" Rabbit asked. "Well I was hoping to have the entire thing Rabbit." Pooh said sheepishly as Rabbit responded with, "oh well um..." Rabbit was cut off as Pooh began dancing like a mad man before making his leave.
Rabbit was then shown pacing around his living room. He was annoyed. "It's not fair!" Rabbit complained before continuing with, "why must my sweet honey always be stolen from me!?" The screen then proceeded to show a serious montage which showed Pooh stealing honey from Rabbit. The montage also showed several clips of Tigger destroying Rabbit's beautiful garden. "I've got to do something!" Rabbit cried as he flopped down on his rocking chair. Two seconds later, Rabbit shot up like a brick and proclaimed, "I have an excellent idea!"
The following day, Tigger was shown bouncing as normal until he reached Rabbit's garden. "Hey Rabbit ole boy I just wanted to say...… oh sugar honey ice tea!" Tigger cried as he fainted onto the cold hard ground. "What's the matter Tigger?" Pooh asked he appeared on the scene. He looked up at what had been the cause for Tigger's fainting. He couldn't believe what he saw! Rabbit had built a horrifying scarecrow to scare any one who dares trespass on his land. The scarecrow could not have been real. It looked evil and like it was planning some sinister.
Now at first, Pooh didn't seem to be that scared of the scarecrow and decided to just ignore it. He headed over to Rabbit's house and knocked on the front door whistling while he did so. "Oh Rabbit you wouldn't happen to have any more honey from a friend in need would you?" Pooh asked. No response. Pooh continued knocking on the door but eventually came to the conclusion that Rabbit wasn't home. He turned to leave only to see that the scarecrow from the garden was now standing right in front of him. "Oh very clever Tigger." Pooh laughed as he opened up the scarecrow's chest only to quickly learn that there was no one inside it.
Pooh looked completely terrified as the scarecrow gestured his head towards the field behind Pooh. Pooh turned around and saw an entire army of scarecrows marching down the hill. They were coming to get him. Pooh didn't even have time to react for within mere seconds; he was consumed by the army of scarecrows. "Help me Rabbit help me!" Pooh cried as the scarecrows carried him off into the deepest and darkest part of the Hundred Acre Woods.
The screen cut to show Pooh arriving at a small dark and damp cave located at the very end of the Hundred Acre Woods. Pooh was forced to enter the cave, and was then thrown inside a small rusty and pretty darn smelly cage. One of the scarecrows walked over to the corner of the cave, and hit a small light switch. At last, Pooh could finally see what was going on. He looked around the cave and saw that Tigger had also been kidnapped. "What's going on here Tigger?" Pooh asked as Tigger responded with, "it's Rabbit Pooh boy! He's gone bananas!" Pooh then tried his best to break free from the cage as a loud clap noise could be heard from the other side of the cave. That's when the mysterious person behind the kidnapping finally made themselves known. It was just as I expected. The kidnapper was none other than Rabbit himself.
Rabbit was wearing a dark red dressing gown, and his fur looked messy. He was standing next to two scarecrows. "So Pooh tell me how you do like my friends?" Rabbit asked as he made his way towards Pooh's cage. "Rabbit why are you doing this?" Pooh asked before continuing with, "and what are those things!?" "These scarecrows aren't things Pooh. They're my friends!" Rabbit explained as he began to tell Pooh and Tigger his story.
You see; Rabbit had begun to live in constant fear as Pooh and Tigger always annoyed him on a daily basis. First, Tigger would destroy Rabbit's garden and then Pooh would come knocking for some honey. Pooh's constant demands combined with Tigger's constant destruction had driven Rabbit up the wall. He had developed something of a phobia of the two. Rabbit was also convinced that Pooh had started stealing honey from him as his supply of honey kept going down by the day. Pooh tried his best to explain his innocence but Rabbit was having none of it. Rabbit then went on to explain that the scarecrows were old friends of his. They had all gone to Oxford University together many moons ago. Even longer now than it seems. So sad.
Rabbit then proceeded to explain that he had hired the scarecrows to capture Pooh and Tigger for him so that he could finally teach them a lesson in taking what isn't theirs. "Oh but Pooh I didn't..." Pooh was cut off once again as Rabbit said, "shut up! My friends and I are going to teach you a lesson." Rabbit was then knocked down to the floor by Tigger who had managed to escape from his cage by using a paperclip. "Come on Pooh boy we got to get out of here!" Tigger cried at the top of his lungs as he and Pooh began running out of the caves. "After them!" Rabbit yelled as he and the scarecrows began chasing behind them.
Pooh and Tigger eventually reached Piglet's house and saw that Piglet was busy playing Resident Evil 5 with Eeyore and Owl. "I say what's going on here?" Owl asked as Tigger responded with, "no time to explain we got...." The door to the house suddenly burst open as Rabbit's scarecrows made their way inside. "What on Earth are those things!?" Piglet cried at the very top of his lungs. "No time to explain Piglet we've got to go get Christopher Robin!" Pooh explained as he picked Piglet up in his paws.
The group made their way out of the backdoor and then proceeded to run down the nearby field all the while getting chased down by Rabbit and his scarecrow minions. While running, the group ended up running through a smelly farm which was ran by Amos Slade. "You darn animals!" Slade yelled as he began shooting that the group with his shotgun. "You come back here I'll send me dogs after ya!" Amos barked as he was pushed down to the ground by Rabbit and his scarecrows.
The group eventually reached a small clearing which was only five minutes away from Christopher Robin's place. The group hid themselves behind a bush where they bumped into Gopher. "What's going on here sonny?" Gopher asked who was busy trying to have his lunch which consisted of veggie roundtables. I don't even know what those are to be honest with ya.
Pooh and his cohorts then proceeded to explain the situation to Gopher who didn't look the least bit terrified of Rabbit's sudden insanity. That's when Gopher told them a shocking thing. So shocking in fact that it literally made my jaw drop to the floor. You see; Gopher had actually been the one who was stealing Rabbit's honey supply not Pooh. So Rabbit had essentially accused Pooh of doing a crime he hadn't commit. Gopher also admitted that he had been responsible for destroying Rabbit's garden every day which meant that Tigger had also been wrongly accused by Rabbit.
Gopher then proceeded to look above the bushes. He couldn't believe what he saw! Rabbit's scarecrow minions were making their way down the hill at an alarming rate. "What are we going to do!?" Owl asked while Pooh and Tigger tried their best to calm Piglet down. "There's only one thing we can do Owl." Gopher said to which Piglet asked, "and what is that Gopher?" "We've got to fight fire with fire!" Gopher proclaimed as he pulled out a large steel briefcase. He reached inside the briefcase, and pulled out a large machine gun.
Gopher and the gang made their way towards the scarecrows, and placed the machine gun stationary on the ground. "Smile you sons of bitches!" Gopher proclaimed as he began firing the machine gun at the scarecrows. It was beautiful. The scarecrows were getting killed one by one. Gopher continued firing the machine gun like a mad man. Owl meanwhile helped Gopher out by reloading the machine with more and more bullets.
Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and Eeyore meanwhile provided assistance to the pair by using slingshots and rocks in order to help repel the advance of Rabbit's troops. Pooh had even began pouring boiling hot honey onto the scarecrows which helped weaken their forces incredibly. After what seemed like hours, all of Rabbit's scarecrow minions were no more. "We did it! We did it!" Gopher proclaimed happily until he was shot and killed by Rabbit who had finally made his presence known on the battlefield. He was accompanied by even larger gang of scarecrows. "This things ends now Pooh!" Rabbit proclaimed evily as Pooh responded with, "not today!"
Pooh and the gang ran towards the largest oak tree they could find, and then proceeded to climb to the very top. From there, the group continued their assault on Rabbit and his reinforcements. At one point, Pooh made his way down the tree and reached the machine gun with his friends providing cover for him. Pooh reached the machine gun, and began firing once again and managed to successfully kill all of Rabbit's reinforcements. Before Pooh could celebrate he was knocked down to the ground by Rabbit.
Pooh and Rabbit began having an epic fight with the others cheering on Pooh in the background. Eventually, Rabbit was able to knock Pooh down onto the ground. Pooh tried his best to get up again but he just couldn't. Rabbit then laughed a wickedly evil laugh before lifting his mighty paw right up in the air. "Say goodnight Pooh Bear!" Rabbit proclaimed but the impact never came. Instead a loud gunshot echoed through the air.
Pooh opened his eyes and saw that Rabbit had been shot right in the chest by none other than Christopher Robin who was accompanied by Amos Slade. "Lucky shot." Rabbit said before collapsing on the ground dead. The group made their way down the tree, and hugged Christopher Robin in a massive group hug. They then proceeded to make their way over to Christopher Robin's house to have some honey and cider.
At Christopher Robin's house, Slade revealed that he was actually Christopher Robin's father. He also apolisged for his violent outburst, and claimed that the reason for it was because he hadn't had his Weetabix's yet. You're not you when you haven't had your Weetabix's. Get the hint? Christopher Robin then proceeded to throw a toast to the 100 Hundred Acre Woods. "And from now on no more lives will be lost in the Hundred Acre Woods!" Christopher Robin proclaimed as the entire table cheered in admiration. And with that, the DVD player shut itself off. Ah it probably needed charging.
I made my way of the backroom in order to ask Mr Turnips about the episode. I have some very weird feelings regarding the episode I just witnessed. On the one hand, I found it really weird and far too dark for a Winnie The Pooh episode. Yet on the other hand; I thought it was pretty fricking awesome to see Pooh and the gang using machine guns and stuff. I also had no idea that Rabbit was so crazy. How could I have been so blind all these years? Perhaps society is to blame.
Whatever the case maybe; I made my way up to the front desk only to find that Mr Turnips wasn't there. 'Maybe he's outside chatting with his crush Lady Battersby." Lady Battersby is the object of Turnips' affections. She is an incredibly rich millonairess who is currently in a relationship with Wallace the cheese and cracker addict himself. Unbeknownst to Lady Battersby; Wallace is conspiring to kill her in order to claim her sweet insurance money. Yeah Wallace is a sick piece of crap. Bet you didn't know that did you? Well now you do! Ha!
Sorry for that massive tangents; anyways, I went up to the front door and opened it and saw a rather terrifying sight. Out on the streets sat an incredibly creepy figure. It could not have been real! It looked like some kind of unholy demon. It had claws that were sharp enough to cut through flesh like a knife through butter. I probably could have ignored it but that was of course until the creature actually started speaking to me in a dark raspy voice. It seemed to echoed throughout the entire store. "Return the DVD." The ghostly creature said to which I asked, "what?" "Return the DVD.... or suffer my curse!" The creature explained.
I ran back inside the store, and headed inside the backroom. The DVD player was gone! There was still sign of Mr Turnips either. What the heck was I going to do!? I made my way outside to check if the ghostly apparition was still out there. Sure enough it was. I said, "uh slight problem that DVD you want well it's kind of sort of gone....." I said as the creature said in it's cold raspy voice, "then suffer my curse." And with that, the creature disappeared into the shadows of the night. I was completely terrified but decided that it was probably just a glitch.
I headed home only to find that my parents weren't there. They had left me a note explaining that they both had to work late and wouldn't be home until the following morning. I was rather tired anyway, and decided to head to bed. I got into my pajamas and turned off all the lights before climbing into bed. That's when I felt something at the bottom of my bed. It felt like a huge lump kind of like a pillow. That's when I noticed something else. My bedsheets were soaking wet, and my pajamas were also soaking.
In a moment of sheer terror, I pulled back the sheets only to see the decapited head of Mr Turnips had been placed at the very centre of my bed. I screamed at the very top of my lungs. I screamed and screamed and screamed some more. I got out of bed, and huddled into a corner. The lights in the room began to flick on and off. The wind outside was beginning to grow louder and louder, and my hands and feet were beginning to turn purple and swollen. Large blisters began appearing on my feet as I heard my bedroom door creak open. "Then suffer my curse!" A voice could be heard saying. That creature had come for me. It had killed Mr Turnips and now it was going to kill me too. I'm not really sure what to do now. All I can really do now is pray as the sound of the creature's voice gets closer and closer.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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