Ritual Basics Ep.1: How to Set up a Basic Ritual
Author's note: This is clearly a joke story parodying all those stupid ritual creepypastas. Don't actually do this lol
Oh hello my fellow Satanic worshipper! Has Satan asked you to do a ritual but you just don't know how to make it? Or is there a new ritual that all the cool dudes are doing!
Hi, I'm Lucifer Devilston, and I'm going to show YOU how to set up a basic ritual!
What you'll need:
666 litres of blood from a virgin,
3 Jesus's crosses,
1 Satanic bible,
20 Candles emitting a red flame,
A stick of tainted chalk,
A dark infused scroll of whatever chant you must do,
A large ladle made of the skin from EVIL PATRIXXX's left leg,
2 devil horns,
A dark-energy infused cauldron
And last of all, you'll need to know how to draw a pentagram.
Step 1: You must find a willing sacrifice. You know what, they don't have to be willing to do it, just grab anyone on the street and crucify them.
Step 2: Once you have crucified them, you will need a container to store some of their blood. You will need to take their heart, eyebrows, pre digested food from their intestines, and around 1/2 litre of their blood. Got all that? Good!
Step 3: Draw a pentagram with your stick of red tainted chalk. Satan will most likely give this to you. Or, you can rummage up EVIL PATRIXXX's asshole and find some there. You will need to draw this pentagram in a dark, secluded place, like a cave of some sorts. It needs to be fairly big, maybe 3.5m in diameter.
Step 4: Boil the virgin's blood with the sacrifices body parts and blood in a kettle. The mixture will need to be quite gooey, so add some human flesh. Or just some glue.
Step 5: Once the blood mixture is all gooey, you will need to drink about 666 tablespoons worth of it. What? It sounds disgusting? If you're willing enough to do this cruel, twisted sacrifice, then you're willing enough to drink some gooey blood!
Step 6: Put the remaining mixture into the cauldron. It should come up in a wisp of red smoke and possibly, depending on what make of cauldron you have, it will spark! You also need to put your candles around the pentagram.
Step 7: Chant the lyrics on your dark infused scroll while you add the other ingredients except for the bible. You'll need to read a verse from that.
Step 8: Mix up the ingredients in the cauldron while reading John Chapter 3 Verse 16. And then the whole of the bible. While you stir it up, the smoke should be getting redder and redder. You'll know when to stop stirring once it rains blood from the smoke.
Step 9: When it starts raining blood, the blood should be raining ONLY on the pentagram. If it rains anywhere else outside of it then you will turn into a pile of ash. It raining outside of the pentagram rarely happens however. It will take around 11 minutes and 6 seconds (because that is 666 seconds) for all the raining blood to go into the pentagram. The pentagram should start to turn, glow red, and even go on fire.
Step 10: Eventually it will spin completely off the ground, leaving a pentagram hovering above the cauldron. As for the candles, they will completely burst into a wild, red fire.
Step 11: All the mixture in the cauldron should have rained out of the smoke, and the smoke should have turned into a ball of a wispy, red texture. Congratulations, you have just built the foundation of every satanic ritual!
What to do with the ritual you actually have to do:
You will need to follow the instructions of the ritual you actually have to do into your new, evil cauldron. When the ritual is finished, the wispy ball of red smoke should plummet into the cauldron, causing the contents of it to explode. Whatever happens after the ritual should happen at the moment.
Glad this helped!
- Lucifer Devilston
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