Road To El Dorado Smeg Version
Oh hello there! You wouldn't happen to know where I placed my reading glasses would you? Oh wait, I remember now! I accidentally fed them to my pet pig Miguel. I named my pig Miguel after the titular character from one of my favourite movies of all time; The Road To El Dorado. Released by DreamWorks Animations in the year 2000, it tells the story of two con artists named Tulio and Miguel who discover El Dorado and are thought to be Gods. They decide to roll with the croc so to speak, and go along with the story of them being Gods which as may expect creates one heck of a fantastic motion picture. The problem with my love for The Road To El Dorado is the fact that I am physically unable to handle it whenever someone disses it. For example, one time at church, my local priest Father Oldman whose voice is so very much annoying that it makes me wince told me that the film is blasphemy because it makes fun of Gods. I responded by running over Oldman with my car. He ended up in the hospital while I ended up getting my license revoked. Because of this incident, I am now viewed with judgemental eyes whenever I spend an infrequent night out on the town. I also happen to live in a very rural area which means that everyone and their washing machine dealers heard about it. Even Grandmother Edgar heard about it for crying out loud! I think the reason why it shocked people so much was the fact that I am usually quite a swell fella who loves to tell wickedly bad puns and I am also known to take every thing in stride. One time, a gang of clowns spray painted my car using ass sauce, and instead of calling the police I brought those silly sons of Magra into my house where I gave them cups of tea and scones. Sadly, the clowns hated the scones as they were deathly allergic to them it would seem, and it caused their heads to blow up. Believing I had killed the clowns on purpose, I was brought under even further public scrutiny.
Wanting to move far away to a place where nobody knows my name and the wine tastes like ass, I arranged a meeting with my estate agent; Richard Beck who offered me a lovely condo over in Arizona but I didn't have the funds to afford such a home so he instead opted to give me a bog standard council house in Hartley Dale. I moved out that same day, and caught the moving van to Hartley Dale. Yes, seriously I threw myself into a moving van which was moving some other people's items to their home. Arriving in Hartley Dale, i decided to make my presence known almost immediately by throwing a massive house party for all to attend. I invited everyone in town from shipmasters to teachers and I even invited town mayor; Alyious O'Hare the man who bottled up fresh air and became a zillionaire! Fired from his job as District Attorney of Oakton City for undisclosed reasons, O'Hare bribed the local government and was elected Mayor of Hartley Dale after winning a landslide majority. Using a party guide from a old and quite frankly very smelly Thomas The Tank Engine VHS which I found lying in a pig sty, I made up my house for the party and got ready to await the arrival of my guests. They came much early than expected, but I was still prepared for them and gave them all a tour of my house only to become heavily embarrassed once the guests started to browse through old photo albums at pictures of me marrying one of my pigs Winapig to a local governor. I also quickly realised that I had made a slight mistake when typing up the invites and this meant that loads of people showed up that I hadn't invited. As a matter of fact, none of the really smart and powerful people like O'Hare had showed up, no instead this really weird scarecrow bird hybrid thing named Henry Tomasino Jr had come alongside his old whaling buddy Mogens who also worked as a part-time shipmaster and... well actually that was it. How sad.
My first ever big shin dig in Hartley Dale was not getting off to a very good start. It only worse with Mogens mocking me for not having that many guests, and he kept yapping on about his mate Brian who lives in Bungalow, and he threw a party that 912 people attended. He kept going on and on about Brian to the point that I actually became physically sick, but I managed to hold it in as I demanded that Mogens and Henry Jr hand me their entry presents. Yes, in order to come to the house party, you had to provide me with a present. Hmm perhaps that's the reason why I didn't have that big of a turn out. Oh silly me! That's the reason isn't it my pork? Reaching inside his old sailor cap, Mogens pulled out a picture of him and Captain Haddock eating a fish who looked proper miserable and according to Mogens, that fish used to be a man who worked as a bus driver for the local high school. The bus driver was very fat and lazy going by the name of Fat McSleeze, but one Summer he tried to change all that day by doing some research into O'Hare's air business. Going deep.... undercover, McSleeze was able to discover that O'Hare's bottled air actually fattens the body by 10% if you have more than 10 bottles a day. Wanting to take this information up to City Hall, McSleeze instead found himself being taken out to the seaside by O'Hare. Once there, he found it to be a trap and was ambushed by O'Hare's crooked security guards. McSleeze was thrown off the pier into a bad part of the sea which was green and radioactive. Welcome to a new age McSleeze as he became a big ole fish who loves to sit on his butt or should I perhaps instead say fins? Oh wouldn't that be cheeky? But what McSleeze really wanted was clarity, and by that I of course mean was for someone to make him into fish and chips. That's honestly really sad.
Learning the tragic story behind McSleeze, I began sobbing heavily as Mogens wrapped his smelly arm around me and handed me a McDonalds branded tissue. "Don't feel bad sport, for ole Henry over there has got you a little present. Wanna see it?" Mogens asked as Henry Jr came up to me and gave me a right good handshake or feather shake I should say as he was part crow after all. He was no man. He was part scarecrow part crow. Wait a minute!? Could he be a chemist? Henry Jr was very pleased to meet me as he heard loads of stories about my days of working on the farm from his local drug dealer. Yes, Henry Jr does drugs and why you are surprised? This isn't a game. "Oh it's a pleasure to meet ya governor! A real pleasure indeed it is!" Henry Jr proclaimed very happily as the force of his feather shake was so much it caused my damn moustache to leap off from my face, and run out the front door catching a bus to Lake Destiny Idaho. Thankfully, I had loads of spare moustaches located in a trunk in my bedroom. I went upstairs and grabbed a spare mo, and when I came back downstairs I found Mogens and Henry Jr encaging in a rather violent pillow fight. Upon catching my eye, Mogens pulled an incredibly smug face as he held up an old dusty DVD case as he asked, "looking for this love?" Henry Jr took the DVD off from Mogens, and attempted to hand it over to me only for me to rudely Falcon punch him to the other side of the room as I couldn't bare the thought of having to handle another one of his deathly feather shakes. Scanning the DVD over I saw it had no cover or title and even the disc inside bared no name or any kind of identification, I asked the pair, "what be this mates?" "Don't call us mates mate." Mogens said as he then added, "that DVD you're holding is...." Mogens was cut off as Henry Jr placed his feathers above his mouth and proclaimed, "a super special bootleg version of The Road To El Dorado that I got from me Gran Gran Governor." Was Governor the name of his Gran Gran or was he calling me governor? Then again Calling Me Governor is the name of a rapper who lives in Hartley Dale so perhaps the true answer lies in the similia and I shall not disturb it any further.
Though grateful for the present, I thought to be a little pointless as I already owned a copy of Road To El Dorado and on Blu Ray too. When I brought this fact up to Mogens, he simply responded by downing a huge keg of Guinness as he asked, "are you sure about that?" Not liking Mogens' attitude, I made my way over to the old bookcase where I kept all my Blu Rays and DVD's only to find my shock and horror that it had disappeared completely and there was a small note placed where the Blu Ray of that film had once been. Picking up the note, I saw that it read, "sorry but that DVD was so 2000 have this new special one instead." I grabbed Mogens by his shirt collar, and demanded to know what happened to my original copy of the movie, but as I was interrogating him Henry Jr busied himself by popping the disc of the bootleg movie into my DVD player. Oh! That Henry Jr was certainly a character, and quite a mysterious one as he is said to be the son of Walkers CEO: Henry Tomasino hence the name Henry Tomasino Jr. No one is sure when or where he was born, but he was reported to have been living in the mountains of rural Spain in around 2004 or 5 somewhere around there. Henry Jr was incredibly dangerous as he loved to chase people around with scissors. Don't believe me? While the opening advertisements to the film opened, Henry busied himself by chasing Mogens around the living room with a big ole pair of scissors. Scissor me timbers that's a big dangerous don't ya think Henry? Somebody could get hurt. Wink.
Having nothing to better to do, I heard my phone get a text. Checking the text, I saw that it was from... oh my golly it was from Mr O'Hare himself! He was going to be at my place in a couple hours. Needing to kill time, I grabbed the scissors out from Henry's feather and ordered Mogens to help me make some popcorn. We made a real mess and the entire house ended up getting filled to the brim with fucking popcorn. Oh pardon me I just shat myself. Anyways, the popcorn pile was so bad it filled the entire house as I just said but I didn't care and neither did Mogens and Henry Jr. We turned our attention to the screen as Henry then piped by saying, "I could really use a bathroom break governor." He then shat some bad as the film FINALLY began by showing a brief commercial of sorts which had Nate Hamilton CEO of Renegade Media Group yapping on and on about how I needed to listen with my heart and I will understand or some shit. I don't even know to be perfectly honest with you. "Hey there wait wait!" Nate cried as he held his hands up and he looked really sad as it abruptly cut to another commercial which had Mr Foxy from Foxy Bingo holding a huge basket full of bingo balls up at the screen as he sang, "I've got balls!" I laughed heavily as did Mogens as we shoved buttery popcorn up your arses as the film began with a bloody horrendous main menu. It looked really bad. It was a badly cropped picture of Miguel doing his washing while Tulio dances with a dragonfly who has no wings and looks rather cold likely because he had those damn wings ripped off by a big lipped frog. Fuck you big lipped frog! Oh my! I don't usually swear this much. I simply can't apologize enough for that!
Seeing that really cold dragonfly made me feel sad, but then I felt the unmistakeable urge to vomit once the dragonfly started twerking. I pulled a very DISGUSTED face like some kind of Hank Hill as I hastily used the remote to click on Play Movie. Right from the start, things weren't right as the film's opening number El Dorado wasn't being sung by Elton John, no instead it was sung by Grammy Norma who used to babysit me back when the world wasn't made of bricks and no one had to pay for air! Good times good times. After the song ended, the film started up in Spain with Hernan Cortes announcing his plans to conquer the new world, but that's when things quickly took a turn for the worse when someone threw a baseball directly at Cortes' head. Cortes started to break down and cry and was eventually carried onto the boat by a bunch of BBC extras. Pretty sure the BBC didn't exist in 15th century Spain, but whatever just roll with it. Roll with it like you roll with the croc. Once again that really is quite dangerous Sonny Jim! The scene then transitioned to show Miguel and Tulio were playing a game of dice which was secretly loaded, but something was off about the dice that the pair was using and not just the fact that it was loaded, The dice cubes they were using clearly had something hidden inside of them. One of the people that Miguel and Tulio were playing against a very stupid and incredibly fat man named Bob Abing picked up the dice and learned that there was a secret compartment attached to the top of the cube. He picked up the hatch and learned that the cube was stuffed with dope. Bob Abing's lover Sam Trapani picked up the dope as he cried, "Jesus Christ it's dope!" Soon, Miguel and Tulio found themselves getting chased down by the narcotics department, but they managed to escape by throwing themselves into a bull pin much like in the actual movie.
The bull was actually very friendly and wore a red and white striped shirt. He could actually talk too, and offered to cook Miguel and Tulio an American style BBQ. Tulio took a big bite out from his burger and looked really sick as he cried, "oh that tastes bloody disgusting! Where did you get this crap from anyway? The local junkyard or something?" This caused the bull's face to become redder than ever before he proceeded to give Tulio a right good kick up in the arse which sent him flying all the way up to Cortes' boat. I think the bull enjoyed it a bit too much as he proclaimed, "yahoo!" The bull then turned his attention to Miguel who pulled a very impassive face as he said, "don't worry about it I got this." Suddenly without warning, Miguel's hair started to act like a helicopter and using this magical flying hair he was able to fly his way towards Cortes' boat. Only it was no boat it was a ship. It's worth noting that Miguel never uses this helicopter ability ever again even though it could have been useful. Especially when he and Tulio have to block the entrance to El Dorado from Cortes and Tzekel-Kan, but we haven't got anywhere near that part yet hold your horses! I took another big handful of popcorn as the screen did a rather smelly cut to the scene where Miguel and Tulio are berated by Cortes for arriving on his ship without an invitation. "I will not tolerate stowaways!" Cortes bellowed at the very top of his lungs. Cortes was also being shown holding an ice pack on his head as a result of the baseball hitting it in that earlier scene. Cortes then ordered his men to punish the two con artists by making them watch every single episode of Big Bang Theory for the rest of their pathetic lives. While being carried out of the room, Tulio could be heard crying, "no anything but that!" Can you blame him honestly? I mean the way you chew. Ew chew the stew!
Sorry about that, now watching Big Bang Theory on repeat doesn't sound like the best way to spend the rest of your life, so naturally, Tulio started putting in work to make his master escape plan become a reality. Eventually, Tulio presented his grand escape plan to Miguel which basically involved the pair skiing along a summit beyond the clouds. Oh yes indeed, a summit beyond the clouds. Naturally, Miguel brought up the necessary elephant in the room by asking, "but Tulio how are we going to get to this summit when we're stuck here?" Suddenly like some kind of Shrek, Tulio pulled large amounts of DISGUSTING ear wax out from his ear much to Miguel's delight. Using this ear wax, Tulio was able to build a ladder for Miguel to stand on. Once on top of the ladder, Miguel used an apple to tempt Cortes' horse Altivo in setting the pair free. Altivo helped the pair by getting them the keys, and that evening the pair snuck onto an old rowing boat but that's when Altivo ends up making a scene by having a seizure. Altivo are you having stroke? He ended up falling off the ship into the dark crystal blue ocean below, but Miguel didn't bother to save the dear horse as he said, "hey it's a horse eat horse world." So, for the next two minutes we were delighted to a scene of Altivo slowly drowning as his life flashed in front of his eyes. Before becoming Cortes' pet, Altivo used to be a famous artist living in Paris, but sadly his protégé Fiasco decided to set all of Altivo's paintings on fire with a flamethrower right before Altivo was to present them at the biggest art show of the year at the Louvre. Disgraced, Altivo contemplated jumping in the Seine, and he did but he ended up getting caught in Cortes' fishing net, and in order to avoid getting killed he agreed to become loyal to Cortes and the rest is history.
Wow! That was rather sad but that's when you stop and realise you have a nose. For the next several days and possibly weeks, Tulio and Miguel used the rowing boat to sail across the sea until they found the place to make all their dreams come true. For a little bit, things seemed to be going back to normal with the pair arriving on an uncharted island and Miguel revealing he had the map to El Dorado the entire time. Where had he been keeping that map? In his ear lobe probably. Look I don't know alright maybe check with Lou? Also, Miguel and Tulio winning that map in a dice game was not shown in this piece of shit movie so we can only assume they stole it from a frog. If it's the frog that broke the dragonfly's wings from earlier he had it coming. That sick prick. I hope he croaks on a fly like some kind of King Harold! Miguel and Tulio then decide to venture through the island and find the mysterious city of El Dorado as Elton John finally decided to rise to the challenge and sing into the mic for a whole two seconds. Elton John sounded scared and really confused as he kept forgetting the lines to the song. "Changing legend into fact... uh we shall... uh ride.... into... wait what?" Elton would sing. Then Grammy Norma could be heard yelling, "oh don't worry dear I got this!" Then she started singing and she sounded like she was high on weed. I bet she and Elton John were singing this inside a tractor up in Townsend Street, as that is the place to be when things get wild. After the song ended, Miguel and Tulio found themselves surrounded by stone pillars who all had Steve Harvey's face plastered on them and they were singing about how everyone has a little love in their heart even Tulio. The song was nice but my only question is where is Chel? Where's my Chel at? Listen to me very closely you Steve Harvey wannabes, let her out of whatever hole you stuffed her inside of and give me back my Chel!
Out from the water fall that led into El Dorado, a massive stone man hybrid thing named Mr Stone came out and gave Miguel and Tulio a right good telling off, but that's when he spotted the stone carving of the two Gods that looked remarkably like the two con artists. Mr Stone picked the pair up and glared down at them as he said, "you two are coming with me." WHERE THE FUCK IS CHEL!? Anyways, Mr Stone led the pair through the caves of wonder or some shit until they finally reached El Dorado. El Dorado was everything that Miguel and Tulio hoped it would be, but they were stopped from getting off their little rowing boat by a man who was selling curry sauce. The man smiled an iconic grin as he said, "curry sauce all over your stubble. Delicious!" That man had quite possibly the cheesiest grin that has ever been cheesed. Tulio rubbed his chin curiously as he and Miguel were brought into the town square in order to meet up with Chief Tannabok and vicious High Priest: Tzekel-Kan. Tzekel-Kan gave Miguel a right good pat on the stomach as he said, "we just want to get to know you better and perhaps have a few parties here and there that sort of thing." Realising that the two elders think that the pair are Gods, Miguel and Tulio have a little bickering session while a volcano who had a face ended up crying, "oh my I think I had a bit too much water!" He then ended up erupting and a huge flood of Volvic Water came out with the intent of drowning the people of El Dorado. "None of that thank you!" Tulio yelled to Miguel, but it caught the volcano so off guard that he ended up sucking all of the water back inside as he looked to where the noise came from. He pointed at Tulio as he bellowed, "fuck off!" Also that damn volcano sounded an awful lot like Matt Berry. Hmm has somebody at DreamWorks being berry picking? I don't know probably.
Convinced that Miguel and Tulio are in fact Gods, Chief Tannabok and Tzekel-Kan take the pair to their new residence in El Dorado, and then ask if the pair want a grand feast or something extra special something extra smelly. "Both." The pair said in unison as they then stared at the screen for an uncomfortable amount of time. Suddenly, for two seconds, Chief Tannabok's face came on screen and it took up the whole screen. It was so close as a matter of fact that I could smell his sweat and it doesn't smell too good. I got to be honest it really doesn't not really no. That evening, a lavish party was thrown in Miguel and Tulio's honour with the pair singing about how it's tough to be a God, but that's when Grammy Norma came dancing into the scene via a massive disco ball which was being hoisted high up in the air by the help of a helicopter which was being driven by Tzekel-Kan of all people. Tzekel-Kan looked at the screen with an incredibly smug face as he asked, "hey what did you expect from Sunny D?" That's when I noticed the bottle of Sunny D placed in my hands, and I quickly shoved that bottle down Henry Tomasino Jr's beaky beak as Grammy Norma, Miguel, and Tulio spent the rest of the evening getting completely shit faced. Meanwhile, Cortes finally reaches the island leading to El Dorado and starts to make out with the sand. One of Cortes' men rubs his head confused as he asked, "uh yo Mr Boss Man what the fuck is you doing bro?" Cortes looked at the man and shrugged as he said rather awkwardly; "uh........" He then got up from the sand and ordered his men to follow him as it was time to find something real sweet which would sanctify everybody's needs. Perhaps it was a Thneed that he really needed. Either that or maybe just maybe a bag of chips.
The following day at Dawn, a highly hungover Miguel and Tulio were forced to watch in horror as Tzekel-Kan wanted them to watch him sacrifice a man by throwing him into the lily pond. Lilly pond!? Helicopters!? Grammy Norma!? Tzekel-Kan what the heck has happened to you? You're not the Tzekel-Kan that I know! Miguel was actually quite happy to watch the man be sacrificed especially when he noticed the man had some rather odd looking tattoos on his hairy back. Turning his attention over to Chief Tannabok, Miguel inquired, "say Chief what do those strange tattoos mean?" "They are not of my design." Chief Tannabok explained like some kind of a Dalek. "Well what do you mean?" Miguel asked. "I'm saying he is not one of ours. I was under the assumption that he came with you." Chief Tannabok admitted. The man looked very nervous. The tattoos on his back were of a incredibly smelly farmer sticking a turnip up his ear. Before Chief Tannabok or Miguel could question the man personally, a massive pirate ship came crashing into the walls of the High Temple. A heavily built man named King Courtney came swinging down the anchor and sang a little song as he sang, "El Dorado is mine mon gonna make it Jamaica Mark II." Then without warning, Chief Tannabok shot King Courtney in the chest with a double barrel musket killing him instantly. All of Courtney's men looked shocked but soon began rejoicing as Tannabok offered to make everyone a big bowl of soup. Meanwhile, the man with the tattoos looked at the screen and asked, "hey what's a matter with me." Apparently. that man was a spy who had been planted in El Dorado by King Courtney in an attempt to map out the city's structure and other boring information that King could possibly use to his advantage. King Courtney failed to realise that much like Cortes, Chief Tannabok will not tolerate stowaways unless they're Gods of course. More like false Gods am I right?
The following day, Miguel acting out against Tulio's orders made his way into town where he came across an incredibly smelly man named Clarence who was being harassed by the royal guards because they couldn't understand why Clarence felt the need to make notes about absolutely everything. Clarence walked up to Miguel and asked, "are me honey?" "Okay." Miguel said like some kind of Crane as he took Clarence to eat with him at a smelly restaurant. Miguel delighted Clarence with stories from his time down on the dockers union, but the only problem is that Miguel would tell these stories so fast that Clarence barely had any time to write these things down. It was a rather sweet moment as soon many other people came to join Miguel and Clarence with one man telling the pair about his dreams to read a book to a tree named Mrs Oakwell. Miguel rolled his eyes as that man was rather stupid and he had two noses which were shaped like onions. While Miguel finds himself wanting to stay in El Dorado, Cortes and his men finally begin making their way through the jungle. While walking through the jungle, Cortes' right-hand man Lord Mercer tapped Cortes on the shoulder as he said, "Boss the Governor... he's been asking questions about the conquest." "Has he now? Then perhaps his usefulness has finally run it's course." Cortes said evilly. The local governor; Governor Swan had been asked to accompany Cortes and Lord Mercer on their voyage to conquer the new world, but Governor Swan was actually very sneaky and was trying to get information on Cortes' plans from a member of Cortes' crew who would hopefully be willingly enough to spill the baked beans so to speak on Cortes' plans. Unluckily for Governor Swan, Cortes and his men had become wise to the ruse which culminated in Cortes ordering Swan to be eliminated.
Governor Swan was shown being taken out to sea on an old rowing boat by Lord Mercer and two unnamed mercenaries both of whom looked like they were high on toast. It was the same rowing boat that Miguel and Tulio had used to reach the island earlier. That's kind of cute. Governor Swan held a tissue up to his nose not because he was sad no because the island was right next door to an old sewage plant which meant that the entire area did stink quite a bit. While Governor Swan was taken away to a mysterious fate, Tzekel-Kan pays Tulio a visit over at his condo, and basically tells Tulio that Miguel is beginning to get awfully chummy with the people of El Dorado. "He fucking what!? Tulio bellowed as he decided to see what was going on. Miguel was busy at the restaurant playing a banjo while Chief Tannabok took his turn telling Clarence some stories. Unlike Miguel, Chief Tannabok made sure to take as much time as possible when telling Clarence his stories so that Clarence would have enough time to write it all down. I'm thinking Clarence is going to publish all of these stories in a book one day and the book will be called Two Lobster Tails In El Dorado. Sadly, the book will do terribly, and in a last ditch attempt to sell some books, Clarence will appear at the Lobster Inn but no one will pay attention to him and laugh at him as he begs for a jug of water. Sick bastards! I'd of sat next to Clarence! I would have! Actually no I probably wouldn't have because once again the way he chews! Ew chew the stew! Sorry about that, another smelly cut happened as the scene transitioned to show Miguel and Tulio being forced to take part in a massive soccer game.
I'll be honest this is the one part of the movie that never really made much sense to me. I mean why does Tzekel-Kan want Miguel and Tulio to play soccer for anyhow? Not like it matters anyway, as Tzekel-Kan announced that Miguel and Tulio would be competing against El Dorado's best players. Who were they? Well it was a bunch of really scary Russian mobsters who had been on the boat with King Courtney rest in peace. Miguel and Tulio were able to beat the Russians by boring them to death by discussing the ethics of playing a friendly game. "You stupid buggers!" Tzekel-Kan yelled angrily as he came to confront Miguel who then basically told Tzekel-Kan to fuck off and never return, but that's when Tzekel-Kan noticed that Miguel had a piece of beef stuck to the roof of his teeth. Grinning evil, Tzekel-Kan finally came to the realisation that Miguel and Tulio were not Gods, and departed from the scene farting violently as he did so. Using the helicopter from earlier, Tzekel-Kan and his unnamed associate hovered over Mr Volcano and offered him a chance to get back at Tulio for insulting him. "You got yourself a deal!" Mr Volcano proclaimed at the very top of his lungs. But sadly, the sheer force of his proclamation was so loud that it caused the unnamed associate to fall off from the helicopter and into a shrub which was laced with rat poison. Oh unnamed accomplice to Tzekel-Kan we hardly knew ya! Tzekel-Kan laughed evilly as Mr Volcano grew legs and the pair gave each other a high five. That's when Tzekel-Kan spotted that over in the town square look at Quasi there, Miguel was giving red potatoes to Chief Tannabok and his homies. "Looks like our false Gods have got themselves a playdate with destiny." Tzekel-Kan said ominously as the screen cut to black.
Miguel was starting to fall in love with the idea of staying in El Dorado, and this fact became very clear to Chief Tannabok as the two con artists' boat which they would use to leave El Dorado was near in completion. Sensing that something was up, Chief Tannabok wrapped his big meaty arm around Miguel as he said, "why don't you stay another day Lord Miguel?" "Oh I simply must go!" Miguel sang. Chief Tannabok smiled and turned to leave but not before saying, "you're only human after all." Oh Chief Tannabok even in this horrid bootleg you're still such a delightful fella! Returning back to the crib, Miguel was horrified to find Tulio making out with the local fish monger who still isn't Chel! What the fuck happened!? Maybe she decided not to appear in this bastardisation of a motion picture and can you blame her honestly? I no I certainly fucking can't! Disgusted by Tulio's love for the fishmonger, this creates a rift between the pair which carries on to the next scene where the pair are shown attending a celebration in honour of the two Gods finally leaving El Dorado. Just as things were starting to get spicy, Mr Volcano appeared on scene and got ready to stomp on Tulio and Miguel as he bellowed, "hello handsome remember me?" Mr Volcano then began flooding the streets of El Dorado with his Volvic water, but it had no effect as he ended up tripping on a conveniently placed banana peel which caused both him and Tzekel-Kan to fall into a massive toilet. It was the biggest toilet in the world according to the sign. Also, the sign had a picture of Chief Tannabok on it and he was smiling an incredibly cheesy grin. Miguel walked over to the toilet and flushed that sucker all the while pulling the most impassive face you'd ever see.
Mr Volcano was naturally killed from the flush, but Tzekel-Kan managed to survive and found himself being held at sword point by Herman Cortes. Herman rubbed Tzekel-Kan's face affectionately as he asked, "my boy where did you get all that gold?" He was holding Governor Swan's decapitated head in his hands, but somehow ole Swanny was still able to talk as he proclaimed, "I'm a head of the rest!" Believing Cortes to be the real God, Tzekel-Kan offered to lead him and his troops to El Dorado. While Tzekel-Kan was leading Cortes and his troops to El Dorado, the song I'm On My Way by The Proclaimers could be heard playing in the background at max sound. Miguel and Tulio got ready to part ways, but when they noticed smoke coming from over the horizon they were quick to realise that Cortes was on his way. The pair with help from Chief Tannabok, Clarence, and the people of El Dorado scheme to seal up the entrance to El Dorado so that no one can get through. Miguel decides to accompany Tulio for another adventure as he leaps off from the platform and onto the rowing boat with Tulio as the pair make their way out of El Dorado and place an out of order sign on the waterfall entrance to El Dorado. Reaching the secret entrance to El Dorado, Tzekel-Kan was horrified to find the out of order sign and tried his best to explain the sitchy over to Cortes who wasn't having none of it and ordered his men to wash Tzekel-Kan's mouth out with soap. For the next two minutes, I was delighted to a scene of Cortes' men violently scrubbing Tzekel-Kan's mouth out with soap.
With one adventure under their belt, Tulio and Miguel opted to walk into the sunset when they spotted a small red door located on the other side of the stone pillars. Opening the red door, they found another door this one was painted a smelly yellow, and behind that door they found an incredibly fat frog who was holding an old Victorian style candle as he yelled, "this had better be good!" The pair screamed and screamed some more as Tulio was forced by the frog to marry his daughter who looks horrid and sounds like a man getting a helium balloon shoved up his arse. That damn frog was the same frog who ripped the dragonfly's wings off earlier. Furious, I pulled an old musket out from my ear and shot my DVD player 69 times thinking nothing of it. I turned to face Henry Tomasino Jr and Mogens who both looked completely horrified. Curious, I asked, "what's the matter? What's da problem?" As soon as I said that, a knock occurred on the front door and I went to answer it. Before answering it however, I took a little peep through the peephole and saw Russian crime lord Ray Bulgarin just chilling with an army of Russian mobsters as he yelled, "you boys have stolen something which belongs to me!! Hand over the DVD and you'll go free. Don't hand it in and you'll be dead by sundown." Mogens pulled a Red9 out from his ear and threw me a handgun as he proclaimed, "it's game time!" Not wanting to run the risk of getting whacked by Bulgarin and the Russian Mafia, I kicked open the front door which caused the huge piles of popcorn to drown the nearby streets. Bulgarin and his people were so distracted by the massive piles of popcorn that it enabled me, Mogens, and Henry Jr the chance to escape back to the countryside where the two became my new bunkmates. They're bunking with me as it were. Oh and as for O'Hare and why he didn't show up. He got ass flu. Yes, that's my story and I'm sticking to it like gorilla glue.
According to Mogens, much like Cortes, Bulgarin longed to plunge El Dorado of it's all gold and he had created this bootleg movie in order to give him the clues on how to find the city. Why doesn't he just watch the normal film then? Well because Bulgarin is a very stupid man, and he believed we had taken that DVD in order to take the gold for ourselves which simply just isn't true. I knew that the countryside was far out of Bulgarin's grasp, but I quickly realised why I had moved out in the first place. Mogens and Henry Jr were not very good roommates, as Henry kept chasing my damn pigs around the fields with a pair of scissors. Yes, ole Henry does have a thing for chasing things with scissors and he has my pity. No he really does. I mean the way he chews! Ew.... okay not this time love. However, my life ended up beoming upturned when Mogens discovered the golden salad plates which had been left to me in me Grandma's will. Against my wishes may I add, Mogens and Henry Jr took those plates onto Dickinson's Real Deal, where David The Duke Dickinson rubbed his chin all over Mogen's hand for a good twenty minutes. Believe me I checked my wall clock. According to Dickinson, the plates were built during the 18th century by pirate; Lord Mickey who has the highest pitched voice that you will ever hear, and he loved to declare wars, but he had a side hobby of creating plates. He would only ever use solid gold when constructing these plates, and these were among the very golden plates created by him before his untimely death in The Tobacco Fields War. Truly a war thar we all try our best to forget. Selling these plates to Dickinson in exchange for a mean cup of tea, I was able to buy a lovely condo on an uncharted island somewhere near the Bahamas. Mogens and Henry Jr had wanted to come with me, but I had them drugged and thrown onto a freighter which was slated for Sicily. "UNCLE BORIS!" Mogens yelled at the very top of his lungs as he, Henry Jr, and the boat disappeared into the distance.
Well, Henry Jr was gone for long as he flew his way back to the island, but I didn't mind and I offered him a glass of pineapple juice. He's sitting on the sun lounger right next to mine as I finish writing this. I must ask though if Henry Jr could fly why didn't he bring that fact up before? It could have been useful when we were being attacked by Bulgarin's men, but whatever just whiff it like a rose you'll wear for your wedding day. But do tell me why did you get married? Regardless of how DISGUSTING that bootleg movie may be, I still say hand on heart that The Road To El Dorado is my absolute favourite film, and I don't care who knows it. Honestly, I really don't care I mean why would I at the end of the day? Well if you excuse me, it's time for my tea. I'm going to help myself to a lovely pot of leak and potato soup but before Henry Jr wants to chase me with the scissors. Oh buggering buggerton!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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