Robots: The Early Test Reel
Blue Sky is an interesting company. They have their course set. When you take Pixar and DreamWorks out of the equation Hollywood is great at children's CGI films. I remembered when I grew up with the Ice Age series, and then it all went to shit after that. I loved Robots, and I still do to this day. Either I love the story and humor, or that big-ass bitch Aunt Fanny, because I got myself the very own limited edition Aunt Fanny fleshlight. But this isn't about my fetish with Aunt Fanny, oh no. What I'm about to tell you is a story of theft, horror, and porn. Okay, not the porn, but I wish I could.
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you who I am. My name is Gerald. My parents named me that after their favorite character from Hey Arnold. I work as one of the test audiences for Blue Sky Studios, where I get to watch their upcoming movies. I have a lot of knowledge of what their films were supposed to look like. For example, did you know that there was a deleted scene where the baby from Ice Age dies? I sure wished they kept that in the script. Back in 2004, Chris Wedge called me and many others in the studio to see their new movie at the time, Robots. I was excited.
During the screening, I guess the film projecter was jammed or something, maybe someone jacked off on it, because it exploded, causing everyone to cough from the debris. Wedge was disappointed by this. He apologized to everyone that they had to cancel the screening until they take the projector to the shop. Everyone left in utter disappointment, and one of them was complaining, claiming he had to go in his undies for nothing. Yeah he was a retard for coming to work in his undies. I looked at the film projector. As soon as Wedge and the other employees left the room, I pressed the eject button on the machine, took the disc, and ran.
I felt a little bit of guilt for doing something that I know to fuck is illegal, but I didn't give much of a shit, as I once stole an Aunt Fanny fleshlight from a Walgreens the day before. Once I got home I placed the disc in my television. God knows what I was preparing myself to get into. The disc started with the with the sentence "Robots: The Movie". I cheered out "Horray!" after reading the text. The film started with the main character Rodney Copperbotton in a restaurant, dancing to the Sesame Street version of Hot and Cold by Katy Perry, which is weird because the Katy Perry version didn't even come out yet. Rodney was pelvic thrusting and dry humping the floor. Oh shit. I thought this was for kids. A bunch of children robots were watching, as Rodney pulled down his pants to show his bare ass to the kids.
"Eat it!" said Rodney. The children yelled "Eewww!" as an adult in the background threw up after witnessing the event. A little girl kicked Rodney in the ass, causing Rodney to yell "Yow!" and causing him to pull up his fucking pants. Rodney then proceeds to approach the kitchen, where his father was at, while panning out to show the environment. The environment was a Chuck E Cheese-esque family restaurant, where kids are playing arcade games and picking their belly buttons. Rodney greets his father Herb Copperbotton, who was just finishing up some birthday cakes for a few children. "Hey son," Herb responds. "I told you, my shift doesn't end until five."
"Yeah," Rodney tells his dad. "I just wanna show you my newest machine I invented." Rodney then pulls out a large machine under a white cloth. "It's the Cake Maker 42000!" Rodney yells in excitement. One thing that I will add is that the voices are different in this version of the film. Like Rodney clearly isn't voiced by Ewan McGregor here, but he sounds more like Chicken Little. Rodney then proceeds to tell his father what his machine does. "It makes cakes for you so you don't have to make any!" Herb looks surprised, like that one meme with Nicholas Cage saying "You don't say?". Herb then starts to speak up. "That's neat! But I already made my last batch, I don't need anymore." Rodney ignores his father and proceeds to fuck with the buttons.
The machine then spurts out cake, causing it to fly everywhere. Rodney screams like a retard and then ducks, while his father watches in horror. Rodney tries to stand up straight, but with cake all over the floor, he starts slipping. Rodney almost knocks over the cakes that Herb already baked. Herb starts to speak up. "Hey, watch out for the cakes!" Herb says while Rodney manages to get back up on his feet. "And turn that machine off!" Herb then tells Rodney, in a more stricter tone. Herb then grabs a sledgehammer out of fucking nowhere and proceeds to crush the machine with it. Rodney, now in shock, accidentally pushes one of the cakes off the cooking table, but manages to catch it at the last second. That is, until he slips and the cake flies on top of Herb's boss, who came into the kitchen to find out what the hell's going on.
"What in the shit is going on here?" The boss yells. Herb, just like in the final version of the movie, tries to defend his son. His boss just says nothing but gives him a toothbrush and advises Herb to clean up. Rodney, now feeling guilty, tries to tell Herb to stand up for himself. Herb does nothing back other than pointing to a table at the dining room and saying "There, Rodney. Sit right there and don't move from that spot until I come get you." One thing that I realized is that the animation looks different in this scene, and more like motion capture, like in the movie Monster House. Rodney then looks down at the ground completely guilty, and runs out of the restaurant while letting out a yell of sorrow and frustration. It was like Gwen from Total Drama Island when she caught Heather kissing Trent. It was the loudest and most saddest thing I've ever witnessed than when my mommy died of consuming too much strips of acid.
The scene then abruply fades to the inside of the Chop Shop, where a wrestling ring sits, with Rodney and Phineas T. Ratchet in the ring. The fuck? We suddenly cut to a wrestling tournament? Madame Gasket is there laughing. Fender and the rest of the characters in Robot City were there too, yelling out Rodney's name. A bell is heard, as Rodney and Ratchet start to fight. Ratchet catches Rodney in a headlock, but Rodney manages to fight back by slamming down Ratchet's body to the ground. This fight scene goes on and on and on! It's like arm locks, headlocks, punching and kicking, like AAHHHH, STOP IT! GET TO THE FUCKING POINT! Rodney then ends up headbutting Ratchet, causing time to fall out of the ring and into an abyss. Ratchet screams, before getting impaled in the chest by an elongated metal pole. Oil starts leaking out of him like blood, as Ratchet gasps for air, and dies. Madame Gasket looks at her son's corpse, saying "My son!" now sounding like Nancy from SuperMarioLogan. She growls at Rodney before kicking him in the balls. Rodney then falls down to the ground.
Fender and the others climb into the wrestling ring and try to comfort him. Fender gives Rodney a Sprite from McDonald's. Rodney the says, "Mmmmmm! Diluted Sprite! My favorite!" I felt the urge to vomit after that sentence. Everyone knows that the Sprite at McDonald's is god awful. Perhaps this is what robots like?
"I can't do this, Fender. I just can't." Rodney tells Fender. Aunt Fanny and Bigweld then look at each other with sadness on their faces. The both of them were wearing gangster attire. Herb then comes out of goddamn nowhere and pats Rodney's head, with a look of disappointment and heartbreak. "I let you down, Dad," Rodney said, on the verge of crying. The animation in this scene now looks more simplified, like in the style of the show Roly Poly Oley. The exact same voice line from the phone call scene in the actual movie is played, when Herb tries to encourage Rodney. Rodney then looks at Herb and stands up, majestic. All of the characters cheered, although they didn't see Madame Gasket holding a metal bat. She ends up hitting Herb with the bat, as Herb starts flying and screaming into the pit of fire. Rodney then yells, "Dad!" before screaming "Noooooo!!!!!!". Rodney, now heartbroken and filled with rage, starts to body slam Madame Gasket, who in return pulls up her dress to reveal her privates. It was so bad that Cappy's head exploded into pieces. Madame Gasket then lunges at Rodney, as she pulls out a knife. Rodney tries to fight back by strangling Madame Gasket like that scene from The Return of the King when Smeagol strangles Deagol. Madame Gasket then turns due to suffocation. Then the video ends there.
Fuck me. Motherfuckers ended it so abruptly. Although I guess it is fine. I don't care anymore. Next day I went to the studios to see Chris Wedge waiting for me. Crap. I know what he's mad about. When he told me to return the disc, I said I threw it in the trash because I didn't knew what to do with it. Well, fuck. He went batshit crazy and lunges at me. I tried to bite him, because I said I have the Hitler Disease, a disease I made up when I was 6. He didn't believe in the Hitler Disease. I hope he likes dying. That day I was fired from my job, and I no longer support Blue Sky Studios after that.
I just wanna close this off by saying that Blue Sky Studios are fucked right up in the head. What the hell were they thinking making such a thing? I enjoy Robots, I really do. But this? I'm glad the one we got is better. I felt the need to post this after hearing the news that Blue Sky Studios was shutting down this year. I guess they'll no longer make any more god awful Ice Age sequels. I gotta go now, I have to polish my pirate hook.
Written by Datboiman949
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