Rockstar Photograph
I wanted a brand new house, on an episode of Cribs. A bathroom that I could play baseball in. A king size tub big enough for ten other folks, as well as myself. These were things I wanted in my previous life, but now...
Listen, I don't know if you've heard of the classic Canadian hard rock-pop band Nickelback, but I think they're pretty great. Their songs are known for getting across important social messages, and they do often do it with heavy, crunchy guitar riffs and hard-hitting vocals reminiscent of Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder and Creed's Scott Stapp. As for me, I used to wear Nickelback t-shirts to school. I got beaten up a few times for it—some fucker called me 'Chad Kreuger' because I have lengthy fingernails and have a melted looking face from an electric outlet accident, but I guess that's not important—but, I went for it anyway. If only I had realized that those beatings were all out of love. Then I wouldn't have become...
A rockstar...
It all started in the July of 2006. I had stylized my facial hair into a goatee in an attempt to 'get my Chad on'. I was attending Summer School in my hometown of Milwaukee because I'd failed out of history class. As far as I was concerned, history was history. The present, and the future, belonged to my hard rockin' bros, Nickelback. Anyway, I showed up to Summer class one day, took a seat... everything was going as normal. There was a cute girl who sat in front of me, but I never asked her for her name because... I was scared. So what I did instead was I took a photograph of her. To remind me of how she really was, years down the road, when I was living alone in a tenement, nibbling 7-11 cheesy nachos off my chest before the cockroaches infesting the place could get them.
Anyway, all I did was take a photograph. Casually. I didn't ask, but it was no big deal. You wouldn't expect it to upset a girl that you'd want to remember her forever, but she thought it was—get this—creepy. She was dating a boy named Joey. She wore a promise ring. It said 'Beckie & Joey 4ever', with a heart encasing the words. She told me that she would always be loyal to the fucker.
Ohhhhh well...
Now, that's what really caused me to become a rockstar. Or a wannabe one, anyway. I grew out my hair. I told people that I was actually from Canada. I demanded that people refer to me as 'Cool Chad' instead of my real name. I charged up my credit card as if it had no limit. I started sleeping in a big, black jet-shaped bed, the way little kids sleep in racecars. I started doing drugs, and not eating.
And I really mean... not eating.
Three weeks had passed. I was starving to death. People could see my bones. People started calling me 'Skeleton Side Up'. It all made me feel more at home with Nickelback, but it didn't win blonde-haired Beckie's heart over at all, no.
It was the last day of Summer school. I offered Beckie over to my place. She told me that she was scared for me, and that she would buy me McDonald's. I lied and said I would eat it, because I, well... to me, she was a Playboy bunny with her bleach blonde hair. This was all part of the plan. To be one with Chad. To be one with...
It was late at night. Beckie hadn't shown up yet. I was counting, to try to retain the little sanity I had left while I was losing my patience as well. 500 seconds... 550... 576. That was when I heard footsteps, and a knock on my door. "Come in, Rebecca!", I shouted.
She opened the door, holding a Mickey D's bag, but... instead of giving me my grub, she shrieked in horror. It took me awhile to realize what she was on and on about. I forgot.
I forgot that I had her photograph blown up. Blown up really big, and... I had crudely drawn in Joey. I colored in his eyes blood red, and had drawn a blood red swastika on his forehead. I guess she didn't care for that very much.
Ohhhh well. That's so bad. It's... too bad.
I remember them taking me down to the station. The cops hated me hangin' out. Talked for a little while when they interrogated me, but... they never did find her body. I was hoping they would, 'cause... then they would've made me a real life rock star.
Oh, as for me? I'm fat. I'm old. Balding. I still look at that photograph. And every time I do...
It makes me laugh.
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Credited to DaveTheUseless
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