RonaldvsBK2.mp4
Hello. If you're reading this, it's probably already too late. My life is in mortal danger, and if you've come across this, you probably are as well. I used to be a fan of a web series on YouTube that you might be familiar with, called Epic Rap Battles of History. You know, the one where two white guys dress up as historical characters and rap against each other? Yeah, that one. Good shit. However, they've changed and not just because they frickin' sold out. It's a bit hard to explain, but just let me get the basics out at least.
It was June 8, 2019. ERB had just recently started their sixth season with Freddy Krueger vs Wolverine and some other one with some guy I've never heard of vs that V for Vendetta guy who rap battled the Joker. After some hints on their second channel as well as their Instagram, it was obvious what they were going to be doing next. They were planning to do one of the most requested battles that I never thought they'd actually do, especially since the Infinite Source did it so well: Ronald McDonald vs The Burger King. When I first watched it, it was a bit underwhelming since it was mostly just a more high-budget version of the Flash in the Pan with some added lines and Wendy's coming in, but after the second replay, it really started to grow on me. Soon it climbed the ranks as one of my favorite ERBs of all time. Especially Burger King's line, "You can't do fast food half as good as I do". That's one of the dopest bars ever in ERB history.
About a month later, I was surfing through YouTube and was currently watching a video of some loser trying to imitate a wizard and a flower (and I think Thanos? Idk, don't ask) when I suddenly got a notification. When I opened it, it was...a sequel to Ronald vs Burger King? I was very surprised for many reasons. First of all, I was not expecting a sequel to this battle at all, let alone just a month after the original. Second, with the way the hints were going, it seemed like this battle was going to be George Carlin vs Bill Cosby (my favorite comedian) or something of the sort. I'm still a little bit disappointed that the Cos got robbed of his big ERB debut (especially after that line about his sweater in T vs Rogers, seemed like a big hint), but you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, right? Other thoughts started popping into my mind as well. What were they gonna do with this one? Were they gonna have an even bigger fast food royale with the likes of Colonel Sanders, Jack in the Box, and Little Caesar's? Was Wendy even going to come back?
Anyways, after I got over the initial shock, I shrugged and clicked the video link. The webpage loaded for a bit due to my shitty internet connection, and then the battle finally started. Right off the bat, I was taken aback. I recognized the beat. It was Anger by Kustom, but every so often, an ominous Gregorian chant could be heard in the background. The logo started already on the screen, as opposed to how it usually transitioned on screen. The announcer, while still clearly NicePeter, sounded less "hyped up" than he usually did. It sounded almost like a more depressed version of the Season 1 announcer rather than the more energetic, less intelligible modern announcer. However, the thing that caught my eye the most was the logo's background. Instead of the usual color background, it was an actual image of something. It was a picture of ERB's "office", but when I looked at it, my gut was filled this indescribable feeling of dread. Everything in my body was telling me to click off the video immediately, but out of morbid curiosity I continued to watch.
It cut to Ronald McDonald's title card, and already could I notice some weird things about it. I paused the video to get a closer look. The font was in red Times New Roman as opposed to the white New Cicle font they usually used, and there was none of the usual drop shadow that made it pop like it used to. It kind of looked like a text block you'd find in Windows Movie Maker. Onto Ronald's costume. The E on his logo that they'd originally used to replace the M was now completely blank. I thought it was weird at first, but I shrugged it off. Maybe they forgot about it? I don't know. The fabric that was used to emulate Ronald's pockets was also completely missing. His make-up was also creepier than usual, with the edges of his mouth and eyes being more "pointy". The expression...I don't even know if I can describe it properly. Peter's eyes were filled with this intense sadness. They almost looked haunted in a sense, if that makes any sense. Like he had witnessed something traumatizing that was going to stick with him for the rest of his days. The background, instead of being the colorful abstract one Ronald had in the original, was what appeared to be a low-quality Google image of McDonald's after-hours. The green screen keying looked terrible as well, with the edges and wrinkles being more obvious. It was all very off-setting, but I loved ERB so much that I had to keep watching anyways.
When it got to the Burger King's title card, completely skipping the VS slide for the first time in ERB history, I was completely horrified. BK's costume was way less detailed than he had previously looked, as if he had just taken whatever king costume he could find at a Halloween store. He didn't even have a beard. Instead, he had a dark-brown stick-on mustache that looked like it was about ready to fall off at any moment. The text was very small and was placed in the bottom-left corner of the video instead of taking up the full screen, which struck me as eerie. The background was another low-quality image of what appeared to be a Burger King after-hours, although the tables looked more like the Krusty Krab than anything. Lloyd was smiling, but you could tell that it wasn't genuine. His eyes told a different story. Under whatever bit of a smile he could muster left, he was hiding a lot of pain, sorrow, and anger. I could even see bags had formed under his eyes, as if he hadn't slept for days. I paused the video and slumped back in my chair, staring at this sad excuse of a title card. Has ERB really sunk this low? What happened to being independent? Did their Patreon fail or something? This didn't seem real, almost like a really bad dream...regardless, I had to keep watching. Maybe it's just a mistake, I thought to myself, though even I thought that sounded like I was trying to reassure myself. Maybe it gets better later on. I took a deep breath and hit "play."
The battle started abruptly as the announcer didn't say begin. Ronald McDonald "rapped" his first line and I almost had a heart attack. His microphone, assuming he was using one and not a car alarm, was incredibly overmodulated. It didn't help that what I assumed was Peter but really could've been anyone under all those Hertz was heavy-metal screaming his entire lines. I set my volume to the lowest setting possible to avoid any lasting damage and continued. Ronald had absolutely no flow whatsoever. It sounded like he didn't even know he was in a rap battle and not an Xbox Live chat. The lyrics weren't much better either:
"It's Ronald McDonald and I'll beat you Burger King
I have good rhymes but you don't have good anything.
I will eat you so bad. I'm like a cat and you're a mouse.
I will brutally murder you, call me RONALD MCDONALD HOUSE!
I might be a clown, but this time I won't clown around.
I don't think anyone likes how your stupid raps sound.
I'm Coke to your Pepsi, I'm Mac, you're Android.
I'll fucking rip your limbs off bitch so better watch yourself, EpicLLOYD."
My eyes widened at that last line. Was he talking to Burger King or Lloyd? In the first battle, he broke the fourth wall a little bit, but this was a whole new level of messed up. Outright threatening him like that. How did this even fly in the writer's room? Was Lloyd sick that day and they decided to leave it in as a prank and not tell him until it released? Clearly Zach was sick that day because the writing in general sounded like it came from a little kid's fanmade battle in 2012 with barely any actual references. Even XP9 Rap Battles wasn't this lazy with writing. And really, a creepypasta reference? In 2019? With fast food mascots? Not to mention the editing was vomit-inducing. Ronald was violently shaking and moving around so much you could barely see his face. Plus, the entire verse was just one shot of Ronald with spastic keyframing. There wasn't even a side-shot and the background never even zoomed in or moved once. There was one point during his verse where I could've sworn that, for a split-second, Ronald's face changed into an expression that could've given anyone nightmares. However, that could've just been the disorienting bass of his audio. The whole thing just felt like an absolute departure from ERB's usual style; so much so that it didn't even feel like ERB at all. By now, my horrible gut feeling had amplified elevenfold. However, I had to keep watching until the end. I don't remember why--maybe I was just that morbidly curious, or I was just a fucking idiot. Honestly, I could believe both.
When it got to the Burger King's verse, the original beat was completely replaced. It started playing a more distorted version of a metronome. There was literally no other instruments to the beat besides the same old Gregorian chants, which seemed to get louder for this verse. Lloyd's rapping voice was much more aggressive than usual. I know that EpicLLOYD is known to be a pretty good actor, but he sounded way too genuinely angry in this. Like he just had the worst day of his life and he needed to get it all of his chest. His mic quality was nonexistent, although thankfully it wasn't as earraping loud as Ronald's verse. If anything, it was way too quiet. I had to turn my volume to the max. The King's background had completely vanished, leaving him standing in total blackness. His lyrics didn't even sound like anything Burger King would say at all:
"Shut your mouth, you moron. You are the bringer of my rage!
I'll laugh once you're chained and slowly starving in a cage.
Not even your wife and kids love you, you worthless little bitch.
Don't be surprised if the police find you lifeless in a ditch.
You seem like you would know a lot about castration.
Once I choke you, I will laugh as I cut off your circulation.
You thought you were my friend? I've hated you since the fucking start
I'm going to enjoy literally tearing you apart."
I was absolutely appalled by this. It almost sounded like Lloyd was trying to talk to Peter personally. Even if he was still rhyming, he didn't seem like he was rapping anymore. It seemed more like he was threatening Peter. The editing was just King standing in one spot, not even bothering to lip-sync. His body acting was very aggressive. Lloyd was sporadically flailing his arms in such a way that made him look like he had just escaped from a mental asylum. During his last line, it looked like he was about to charge at the camera, but thankfully he was cut off by the next verse.
I had to pause the video to take time to process what I had just witnessed.. I was drenched in a shower of my own sweat at this point--and ironically I felt like I needed a cold shower. I had been such a huge fan of ERB for so long. It was absolutely heartbreaking to me when they took their two-year long hiatus. I thought they were never coming back. When they released their Season 6 announcement video, it was like an empty part of my soul had been fulfilled again. However, if this is what it all culminated into, maybe they shouldn't have come back. I felt absolutely sick watching this. Had Peter and Lloyd still been bickering for that long? I needed answers, no matter what harm they could put me in. I scrolled down to the comments to find that both comments and likes were disabled. The description was completely empty as well aside from the usual links to their website and merch. There was only one way to get closure. I had to keep on watching.
When Ronald's second verse started, I almost went deaf. I had forgotten that my volume was set to max until Ronald started earrapping. It didn't help that his verse was the most disorienting thing I've ever laid my eyes on. Although it was still only one shot and the green screening was still terrible, the background had been replaced with the brightest, most sickening flashing colors I've ever seen. The shot of Ronald would zoom in and out and move all around the screen. It didn't even seem like it was edited it all, rather a glitch caused by some kind of accident. The background music had completely disappeared at this point. The only thing noticeable was some weird whispering, but it was distorted and reversed to the point where absolutely nothing was discernible. Ronald barely moved his body, but he didn't seem depressed. It was more like when you anger someone to the point that they completely freeze. I still get chills thinking about it. His verse trailed on for so long, even Caitlyn Jenner would call it unbalanced:
"Tear me apart. Ha! Your bones are too frail.
I'll kill you so hard, they'll try to throw me in jail,
But once they see the victim is Lloyd 'EpicLLOYD' Ahlquist,
They'll agree that you deserved it and acquit me of all charges.
Oh, what's that? You're sorry about the way I played Batman?
I'm sorry that having a child wasn't originally part of your dad's plan.
That's right, I said it here. You were just a damn mistake,
But facing me is the last fucking mistake you'll ever make.
You're tiny like an ant, and you're worthless like one too.
I don't know what I was thinking ever starting a channel with you.
You think you're a comedian? The only time you made me laugh
Is in the future, when I split your rotting lifeless corpse in half.
This world will love me once they learn of this betrayal
At least now, they'll never see your Thanos portrayal.
I bet you want to take back all that awful shit you said,
But it's too late for that, bitch. I won't rest until you're dead."
What. The. Hell. What happened between these two over the past few years? And why even come back if this is what they both think? Is this a recent thing? Did they have a falling out just recently? My mouth was agape in pure shock and horror. How did this get uploaded? What about the rest of the crew? Were they just not present during this video at all? So many questions were racing through my mind, and yet I knew that there was only one way to answer them all, however undesirable that option may be. There's only one more verse. What could possibly be any worse than what I've just seen? I foolishly thought. I was about to eat my words.
There was no editing for Burger King's second verse. It was just the green screen. The recording completely cut out and the audio was replaced with the audio from the shaky camera footage, in which you could hear heavy breathing from whoever was operating the camera. Burger King only had four lines, but they were the most chilling lines of the battle:
"Man, I'm really sorry that everything had to end up this way.
I know that deep down, we don't mean any of the words we say
But we both know that today, one of us has gotta die.
I've got no choice. I have to do what I have to do. Goodbye."
Lloyd then pulled out a knife and ran to the other side of the room. The camera followed him, revealing a small room with no one else but Lloyd, the cameraman, and Peter, standing across from Lloyd. He was absolutely defeated. The look on his face was chilling. Like he knew something terrible was about to happen and he was powerless to stop it. Lloyd charged at him with the knife and the screen cut to black. Thank god. The faint stabbing and screaming was almost completely obscured thanks to the bellowing laughter from whoever was operating the camera. After the stabbing stopped, Lloyd started shouting something, presumably at the cameraman, before the video ended.
I was left with a horrible feeling. Did I just witness NicePeter, one half of one of my favorite channels on YouTube, get killed by his best friend? And what was Lloyd talking about at the end? That he had no choice and that he wished it didn't have to end this way. I didn't even know what to think. What to feel. What to do. I was taking a sip of water, trying to process everything, when I got another notification from ERB. They had posted a 31 second video called "ERB SEASON 6 CANCELLED". Without knowing what to expect, I clicked it.
The video was just 31 seconds of Lloyd freaking out. It looked like in the movies when someone gets mentally assaulted with painful flashes of imagery and high-pitched ringing, although none of those things were present here luckily. The way Lloyd was edited made it seem less like a video and more like different frames being played super fast on loop. It was eerie. There were big black borders on the right and bottom of Lloyd, and in the corner, the ERB Season 6 logo was there, but with one difference. It was obstructed by a big, red block of text that read "[CANCELLED]". Meanwhile, ominous music that sounded like something from a horror film played in the background.
None of this gave any closure. Sure it confirmed that Season 6 was cancelled, but I think the battle I had just watched proved that already, and if it hadn't, I don't even want to know what the OTHER battles would be like. To get some kind of information, or at least to see what other fans thought, I went to the ERB Wiki. When I got there, though, most of the pages were deleted. The only one left was an article titled "Season 6 Cancelled". Wanting to learn anything more about what I had just witnessed, I clicked on the article.
According to the article, the reasoning behind the cancellation and the "low-budget finale" was because of some issues behind the scenes. Apparently, the owner of Maker Studios, Sir Maker Brake, was convicted of sexually assaulting many employees. Thus, all assets, including ERB, were shut down. However, this didn't strike me as incredibly believable. One, there is no way anyone would name their child Sir Maker Brake. If they did, they definitely wouldn't own such a successful company. Second, I'm pretty sure that if Maker's owner was found guilty of a crime, they'd replace him rather than shut down the entire company. Finally, ERB's whole deal with Season 6 is that they were independent. Why would it matter to them if Maker shut down? The whole story smelled fishy. I wasn't ready to give up on figuring out the truth. I decided to check their links.
Their website was completely removed. It was replaced with just a single image of the [CANCELLED] Season 6 logo. Their Twitter was also completely gone. However, their Facebook was surprisingly still up, although all of their posts were deleted besides one. It was an obituary to NicePeter, eliminating any chance in my mind that this was just a prank or something of the sort. The post read:
"NicePeter has unfortunately passed away. It's a shame that he had to die so soon. Rest In Peace, 1979-2019."
The post was accompanied by a picture of Peter. I couldn't help but feel thrown off by this obituary. You'd think that such a big part of so many people's lives would deserve more than two sentences that you could say about anyone who died. It felt like whoever wrote this didn't even care about Peter's death. Clearly, there was only one other way to get the answers I needed.
I checked ERB2, and to my surprise, there was a video, but instead of the usual behind the scenes video, it was called "What You Had Coming". The thumbnail was the silhouette of a man sitting behind a desk. I clicked the video to see that ratings and comments were disabled, as expected. The video started with the same silhouette in the thumbnail speaking in a deeply pitched voice, supposedly to mask his identity. He spoke:
"You thought it was funny. You thought it was super hilarious, didn't you? I tried to warn all of you, but everyone just laughed it off and ignored me like some kind of sick joke. Now look what happened. Peter's blood spilled everywhere. We can't possibly continue production like this. Let this serve as a warning the next time you fuckers wanna be comedians..."
From the silhouette emerged the man's face and his voice became normal. Once I saw the man's true identity, I was horrified. Under his disturbing Cheshire grin, under the splattering of what could only be Peter's blood, under the hatred in his eyes lied someone familiar. Someone close to ERB and everyone involved. Someone who I couldn't believe masterminded this whole operation. He only spoke one more word before the video cut to black and my eyes widened in disbelief:
"Stop putting your fucking drinks on the props table."
Original author unknown
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