Russian Crash Bandicoot

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...Or in all situations, at any time, any place, and by any audience for that matter.

Jesus Christ how horrifying

I'm a russian man. One day I went to a shop in Russia to buy a game. I am not a man who plays many games, but my wife died last week so I thought I needed a new hobby.

So yes, it was on this fateful day that I was given a new outlook on the world.

I entered the game shop. A man stood at counter. He was asian and he had an eye-patch, and a scar shaped like a banana placed below his left nostril. He said. "I think you're in the wrong shop." It was now that I realised, I was in the wrong shop: this was actually a pet store. I decided to buy something from here anyway, and selected a beautiful rabbit from the hot selection topics.The man smiled and gave me a key. He said, "You will need this, if you are to succeed."

I went home. I inspected the rabbit thoroughly. All was normal for about seven minutes, when I noticed it lacked genitalia. Instead of any reproductive organs, it simply had a key-hole between it's legs. I thought back to my adventure in the pet-shop, and remembered the key that the mysterious man gave me. Unfortunately, I had left the key on the steeple, so I just hit the rabbit with sticks and stuff. He showed some signs of aggression now, but I found this understandable. I was not usually the violent type, so I surprised myself when I took a potato peeler to its face and started killing the poor bastard. I wasn't quite sure what I was trying to achieve now, so I just stood on its face and laughed.

After this escapade, I felt a bit sick. So, i decided to go to the pet-store and apologise for my behaviour. Much to my surprise, when I entered the shop, it appeared to be laid out competely differently. There were also now a few customers in the shop. I went to the counter, and the same man was there, but this time, he had no eye-patch, and his clothes were a bit more generic. He did not show any expression as I approached him, and when I spoke to him, he showed no signs of acknowledgement that I had just been in the shop hours earlier. I told him about my strange change of mood as I brought the rabbit home, and then explained how after inspecting it's genitalia, I proceeded to beat it and shave off it's skin. Unsurprisingly, he was horrified, and called the police.

The police arrested me and now I am in prison one day I played Crash Bandicoot but a rabbit appeared on the screen but it was no a rabbit it was my dead wife and she said what have you done with the key so I cried and the key came out of my eyes and I looked at it and it had legs and it was a spider so i realised it was my father so i shot it but before i could shoot it again i fell over now i am dead.

Credited to Cybersmack

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