Santa Must Be Stopped

It appears the world has entered a paradigm shift. After hundreds of years of complaining about the Christmas season starting before Thanksgiving, I believe the world has finally come to terms with Santa Claus and his plans for World domination, by slowly taking over one calendar month at a time.

Never thought I'd see the day that all of the folks in my neighborhood would have inflatable snowmen and chicken wire reindeer and sleighs in their backyard the day after Halloween, but here we are. I guess there's not a lot to give thanks for this Holiday season, not with old Saint Nick spreading Christmas cheer like an evergreen plague.

So have a Holly jolly Christgiving everyone, it's only a matter of time now before next year's Christloween pops up and we're all dressing up as reindeer and elves, knocking on the doors of our neighbors who have decided that Halloween lights can double as Christmas lights if they get them in just the right color. Carrying our stockings around, door to door, while everybody hands out those tacky Dollar store last minute Christmas gifts as supplement for candy corn and black licorice.

God help us all.

And after Halloween's gone what's next? Memorial Day? INDEPENDENCE DAY?! I'll be damned if I let that fat Cherry nosed Son of a bitch change the red white and blue flag to silver and Gold! Christians, you think God is behind this? Look around you, we're all slaves, pulling around Santa's sleigh, carrying a bottomless bag filled to the brim with an undying thirst for hot cocoa, milk, and the blood of the innocent.

That's right. Christ wasn't born on Christmas. I'll tell you what was though, a one way ticket to planet where Jack Frost isn't just nipping at your toes, but he's nipping at your wife's neck, too. Global warming can't save us now.

SATAN. SANTA. You think that was intentional? You bet your cherry red jingle bells that it was. So wake up and smell the mistletoe before it's too late, because before long, he's coming for your parents, Mother's day? Father's Day? Those weird family Holidays that millennials made up in order to make themselves feel more important? Yeah, that's right, he's coming for your Aunts and uncles, your cousins, your kids, and your grandkids, and it all starts here. November first.

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