Santa stabbed me with his dick
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NSFW WARNING
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Hey everyone it's me ya boi xx_emokid_xx69 back at it again, I'd like to tell you about my horrible experience this Christmas!
"but xx_emokid_xx666 it's not Christmas yet" you say. HA! You bafooligan, you absolute sour punch ketchup packet. I just got a time machine! I wanted to know what I got for Christmas.
And it was definitely not what I was expecting.
So it was 3am (the witching hour for you n00bs who don't know) Christmas eve and I went downstairs for a nice giant glass of curdled milk since I was thirsty. But as soon as my feet hit the cool floor I noticed a figure sitting in the chair in front of the fireplace, which was now just some slowly burning embers.
"Dad?"
"Did you just call me butt-dad?" the figure growled as he rose from the chair. That was definitely not my dad. It was SANTA!!!!
"HOLY KENTUCKY FRIED FUCK ITS YOU!" I whispered.
"You said the f word, you naughty little boy!" Santa spat, sending the foam that was around his mouth splattering into my face as the rest trickled down his beard. "You won't get coal this year."
He pulled down his pants to reveal the most massive.... Candy cane? And that's no double entendre, guys. It was literally a candy cane in his pants. And it was sharp. He snapped it off with a sickening pop and shuffled back into his pants.
"Santa, I—I'm sorry!" I stammered, backing up towards the stairs. Before I could make a break for it, he dug the candy cane right into my heart, twisting it, and pulling it out. My blood probably tasted super minty!
I died, but luckily my parents knew I had a time machine so they put me in it and I teleported back to today.
Moral of the story, I'll leave my curdled milk upstairs and hope for the best.
I guess that's all for today, guys! Thanks for watching please like, comment, and subscribe. Merry Christmas and Happy Honda Days!
Credited to mysticaltater
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