Sesame Street: Hard Mode
Do you like Sesame Street?
Answer me honestly.
I see your college-age asses watching Sesame Street in your dorm and reading about Sesame Street on the internet.
And that's ok. Because Sesame Street is the shit.
The shit I sprayed in horror all over my walls, my carpet, my keys, my clothes, and my $600 laptop after discovering that no, it wasn't some cocaine-addled nightmare, there really is a fucking advanced Sesame Street for older people.
I first heard about it while lurking on 4Chan, where some guys were having a Sesame Street debate that was making me laugh my ass off.
Then someone typed a comment about "Sesame Street: Hard Mode", and the thread went SILENT.
A couple of hours later and someone posted a picture of a bloody road with the caption "Everyone gangsta until someone mentions Hard Mode".
Wondering what the HELL I had just stumbled upon, I decided to ask what this was.
Instantly, my computer started bulk downloading a bunch of .exe files and creepy pictures. This did not amuse me, because I'm not fucking 12 years old.
Then the video.
"HARD_MODE.mov".
I figured I'd give it a watch.
The video opened on the Jim Henson Logo for so FUCKING LONG I thought my PC froze.
Then, the Count appeared. He was writing on a chalkboard, and it appeared to be pretty basic arithmetic. 2 + 2, 4 - 3, stuff like that.
There were kids sitting on the floor around him.
"Ah-ah-ah! I'm so glad you're here!" The Count said as he stared into the screen.
"Come join us in our game of mathematics!"
The Count went from kid to kid asking if they could solve the problems he wrote on the board. They were generally very easy and the kids figured them out without issue.
This was cute, but I wasn't sure how it differed from something else you'd see normally, other than the Count seeming to address the viewer directly. Maybe he'd done that before.
But then, the Count got to me.
"For your question..." he began...
And that's when fucking SAWS started swinging from the roof as this seizure-inducing flickering lighting began and fucking fire erupted from the edges of the room. The Count began to write the most INTENSE fuckin' Calculus I had EVER seen, laughing hysterically.
The kids all laughed.
"Solve THIS!" The Count SCREAMED with RAGE.
I was taken aback. They would never allow this on Sesame Street! And Calculus? This show barely touched multiplication!
Then I remembered.
"Hard Mode".
What sounded like the Sonic Drowning music performed by a fucking choir and a rock band began to play as the camera zoomed in and the Count held up a clock. "Solve my SHIT or DIE!" he SCREAMED.
I quickly ran his question through an online calculator and typed the answer in the text box that had appeared on the screen.
The Count SMASHED his clock all over the room and started screaming "GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!" at the kids, who just laughed.
Then one of them RIPPED the Count Puppet off the puppeteer's hand.
What looked like a fucking gray zombie Jim Henson BURST out of the ground for a split second before the scene changed.
We see Elmo.
Suddenly, the "U rappin'" meter from that old "Parappa The Rapper" game appeared as Elmo picked up a fucking Mic and started dropping bars.
My computer Mic clicked on as Elmo demanded I rap along.
The lyrics were obscene, riddled with references to drugs and swearing. If I refused to rap, however, the "U rappin'" meter would began to fall and Elmo would lose his SHIT.
What was with the fucking death threats in this? It was Sesame Street!
I finished the rap and Elmo threw his Mic at a wall.
We see Boober from Fraggle Rock for a split second throwing a LEGO Death Star at some kid and screaming before the scene transitioned to Rosita with a long black moustache and beard in a pagoda.
"Hello". Rosita said in a deep, male voice.
"Today we learn Chinese."
Losing my patience, I screamed "NI HAO, BÉNDÁN" at the screen.
Rosita stood up with the anger of an alcoholic father and fired a chopstick out of her mouth at the screen, causing a massive fucking graphic explosion.
We see Sesame Street, but it's on fire.
Ernie and Bert appear with MASSIVE fire hoses. The only way to make them spray water on the flames was to type swear words on the keyboard. If you tried to type a different word, they would laugh and shoot fucking fire out of the hoses.
Ernie suddenly asked a VERY detailed Literature question that I barely even fucking understood. He wanted me to put the answer in the text box below.
Suddenly, Ernie started spraying fucking BOMBS out of his hose and yelling "ANSWER MY QUESTION OR DIE!"
I had had enough. I typed "fuck this" into the answer box.
That's when my fucking computer exploded, shooting my disc drive out like a fucking shuriken and blowing bits of shrapnel everywhere. I ducked behind my office chair as my hard drive burst into six pieces.
I don't remember exactly what happened next, but I passed out and woke up in my bed.
So, dear reader, if you know how to get to Sesame Street...
Don't.
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Credited to Chimichangar
Originally uploaded on December 28, 2019
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