Snagglepuss in: I Have No Ass, and I Must Shit
Does anybody remember Snagglepuss? Well, I sure do! I know I could never forget him. Those glistening whiskers, beady eyes, pristine smile, and pink flamingo kool-aid hued fur made it feel like nothing else mattered but his cartoon shorts. However... one fateful day...
I decided that I couldn't willingly endorse Snaggletooth the Pussycat... anymore!
When I was a child, I always dreamed of catching a foul ball. I thought it was an honorable goal, but my brother used to jump on me and fart and tell me I instead had caught a foul smell. And I did. I considered taking the train home and leaving my family at the game, but as I peeled myself out of my plasticine seat, I overheard the stadium announcer say something that sent a horrifying chill down my spine.
"Now at bat for the Castleviewtown Isotopes... Dieeegggoooo... Fernannnnnnndeeeezzzz!".
Oh, no. Not Diego. No, Diego, no! The Take Home of Taco Town. The Salsa of Slam. The Sombrero'd Sultan. I gulped down my big league chew crystals in disturbance and defeat, as he stepped up to the plate, scratched his balls, took a swing, and...
Grand slam. Bottom of the 9th. Homerun. Touchdown. The Puerto Vallarta Chihuahuas had slain our postseason hopes for the season. Slain them... forever!
I went to bed crying. My mom tried to console me by cooking up my favorite meal, Vaseline on toast, but nothing culinary could satisfy the crushing of my boyhood dreams.
When I woke up, I noticed something extra hard underneath my pillow. Oh, great: had I sipped too many malts and woke up in the county construction site again? But no. I could tell by the Pinky Pie and Howie Mandell cutouts on my wall that I was still in my bedroom. I checked underneath my pillow, and...
Well, it sure as heck wasn't a gift from the tooth fairy! It was a VHS tape! And a pink one at that! How did this tape know my favorite color? I got up and ran over to my desk. My nightlight had burnt out, so I needed to fetch my stylish Buddy Holly glasses to peruse the title. Upon squinting, in size 49 extra emphasized Cambria... it read...
"Snagglepuss Pussycat in: I Have No Ass, and I Must S***".
Well, I won't go to school today, said Miss Peggy Anne McKay! Just kidding, I'm a man. Was a boy back then, though. My name really is Peggy. Peggy Sue. I called up school in my best impression of my mom's voice and said I'd be out for the next 25 minutes (22 for a standard episode and 3 more for cushioning) before slamming the receiver and pacing all fastlike to the family den. A brand, spanking new episode of Snaggletooth Pussycat! Or, at least, it had to be. I was pretty sure that I had seen them all on TV before. Pretty sure none of them had a fecal reference.
I set up the rabbitears TV and coax cables and while I was at it, got out my trusty ol' NES Power Glove. This was gonna be a half-an-hour of power alright, or my name wasn't Young Mr. Peggy Sue! I jammed in the tape with my Nintendo P.G. and though my thumb got stuck in there for a couple seconds the tape began as it normally would have.
The episode? Oh, right. The episode. Well, I was having a psychotic episode. As for the tape, it started off with the familiar Snagglepuss theme song. Snaggly P was dressed up in top hat and cane and started dancing around and singing:
"Howdy ho ho, oh hey, diddly dee!
I'm certainly not hiding an alt sexuality!
I'm Tennessee Tuxedo and playwriting gives me glee!
You farted on the schoolbus and now you're going to pay in the most horrible way Peggy Sue you little pipsqueak muskrat miscreant."
Hmm. No, that's definitely not how the Snagglepuss themesong is supposed to go. I hit the television several times with my fist, and it... ah. Ah. Ah. Well. Ah. I don't wanna say it, but. Ah. Well. Ah. It certainly made... something happen.
Snaggletooth was now a neon pink skeleton! "Heavens to Mergatroyd! That really hurts!", he asserted, coughing up blood, pantyhose, an accordian, and a panther-sized copy of Men's Fitness. That didn't make any sense. Skeletons don't have blood. I felt a little unnerved and shut the tape off, knowing that I still had several minutes to get ready for school without being accused of being hockey. Hooky. Whatever. The Chicano Bears.
I had to run several blocks to catch the schoolbus, but things ended up working out O.K., other than that my honeybuns fell out of my backpack and I had to settle on the school cafteria reduced lunch of maggots, bratwurst and nemotoad soup. I don't really know why, but on the bus to school and back all the kids were staring at me and laughing, except for the bus driver, who gave me an evil scowl: a mouthful of jagged teeth and whiskey breath. Actually, that was the way he always looked. Never mind. I was pretty sure everything was O.K.
I tried to go back to bed but I was feeling really depressed about what I had seen from the tape earlier. Either that, or I was sugar crashing from not eating my honeybuns. I got up and went to the bathroom to take a wee wee. Innocuous enough, right? But that was when... I. I. I did something I wish that I NEVER DID!
I caught a vision of myself in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes!? Oh, doubly dooly heck! I tried washing my eyes out with soap but they just burned like hell. Perhaps this was some sort of forbid curse put on me by that godforsaken Snagglypuss VHS tape? I considered going back to bed, but I just couldn't take my morbid--and I really do mean morbid, you'll hear more about that in a bit--curiosity anymore. I just had to watch the tape to the end. To its shocking conclusion. Shocklingly.
The first bad omen was that I couldn't find my power glove. Perhaps I misplaced it somewhere, or maybe the family dog had eaten it. Just kidding, Rover knew better than to f*** with my s***. Or at least he better have. Cough cough sorry. Anyway, I thumbed down on the play button on the VCR, but... then it happened again. Another sign. The play button was... mysteriously missing! There was nothing there but a blank button. Knowing better than to let my mental state get the best of me, I stuck my tongue in the socket and, magically, the tape worked.
Boy oh boy do I wish it didn't have.
Snagglepuss was auditioning to play the role of MacBeth in Shakespeare's eponymous MacBeth play. "Oh, Mr. Director! I'm sure you'll adore me for this part!", Snagglepuss emoted, putting his arm over his eyes as if he was about to faint. Snagglepuss walked up on stage. "I hope he knows how to mind his manners", he stated under his breath, laughing and breaking the fourth wall to the audience. Snagglepuss took the mic and began speaking like a Shakespeare.
"When the mountain is high/Just look up to the sky/Ask God to teach you/Then persevere with a smile". Hmm. He certainly did sound the part. I was just about ready to shut the tape off and go back to bed in satisfaction, when... I DIDN'T! For good reason!!
The camera immediately cut back to Mr. Director. It was... strange. And eerily familiar. He... he had jagged, yellow, purple-greenish teeth! I could even smell through the VHS player, the smell.. the scent of... whiskey?
Oh god.
Oh no.
Oh god.
Oh no.
"That's right, Peggy Sue!", The Director stated in a demonic voice, staring directly at me--or he would have been, if it wasn't for the fact that his eye sockets had been replaced with entirely blank glass eyes! "Let's wax a little Shakespeare, Pinkie!"
It went back to Snagglepuss. He cleared up his throat and popped in an orange tic-tac. "Oh, Romeo! Romeo! Oh, he who smelt it dealt it, Romeo!".
Ohhh... f***...
I let out a scream. Then I went with my gut instinct and shut the tape off. Fast. The stop button was missing this time, so I took out the q-tip I had thrusted into my ear canal (bad idea, don't do that, not good for you) and stuck it in the vacant slot and it worked, thankfully. Or at least it went to static. Good enough for me. Step 1: Stop the Bleeding. Step 2: Get out of dodge! I prepared to take off and run, but all I could do is run in place like a television cartoon character.
That's when it all hit me.
I was sleeping.
I pinched myself. ... No, never mind, I wasn't sleeping, but as it turned out I pinched way too hard and now I was stinging hard and bleeding. Well, no time for that now! My legs started walking all normal like and I frantically pranced my way out of my house. Maybe I could stay at my brother's house. Although he was 12 he had struck it rich with his MBA with IT concentration from Western Governors University, so he could make sure his bodyguard could take care of me. Unfortunately, I wasn't watching where I was going however, and I...
I fell into a manhole, where I was eaten into itty bitty pieces like a crocodile. Just kidding. I realized that I was being a weirdo for wanting to leave my house, given I was all bent out of shape about a VHS tape and not any sort of real, verifiable threat. I had woken mummy and papa up, and I explained to them that I had been scared out of my mind by the VHS tape they had purchased for me as a 'sorry that your favorite team sucks' gift. "What tape, son?", daddy asked, scaring the f*** out of me until he started laughing and revealed he played a prank on me all along. He even spiced the VCR buttons with mutton spray and fed them to Rover as part of his puppychow dinner. Well, that explained that.
The En-- -- --....
!!
I thought it was over. I thought it all was over. But when I woke up... it was gone. My family was gone. Rover was gone. The VCR was gone. Pinkie Pie and Emerill Lagassi fathead wall stickers. Gone. What had happened? Where did it all go?
I went into the kitchen to grab a bite to eat, to muster up the energy to figure out where life had gone wrong. However, there was nothing inside but musty old cobwebs and a jar of spoiled mayonnaise. Had... had I actually been sleeping? And if so, how long?
Ever so frustrated and not knowing what to possibly do next, I did what my anxiety disorder has me do in situations like these: I popped open the microwave door. There... there was a note inside.
"Dear Peggy Sue,
The truth of the matter is that we always hated you.
It's your fault that you were incontinent for the first two years of your life.
For that, we are no longer your family.
Dinner's in the microwave.
It's this letter.
Exit stage left,
Daws 'Dads' Butler."
What? ... I mean, uh, what? This didn't make any sense at all. I sat down on the floor and cried, moistening the paper with my tears until it was no longer legible.
And until it all hit me.
Son of a b****.
It finally. All. All. All hit me. All of it. All. All of it. All. All...
All...
Daws Butler was the original voice of Snagglepuss.
The end.
YouTube reading
Credited to DaveTheUseless
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