Some things are better left unknown
One day, my brother and I decided to hunt for some yet to be discovered glitches, for we, the both of us, have shared this fascination for ages. We booted up Pokemon red on our old yet trustworthy Gameboy, for these games are notorious for their easy and accessible glitches. But little did we know that this innocent hunt, to quench nothing but our curiosity, was going to be far more than a simple gaming session...
To our despair, we noticed that the save battery had ran dry, we lost all our precious data! Our beloved companions we had cherished for so long! It seemed like we needed to complete this quest without our friends of yore. And so we ascended, to a new start, Ragnarok, courageous and determined!
We named our character Bubbero, after our recently deceased Charizard, Bubbero Bo. Our scars where still fresh, yet our curiosity prevailed, we could do this, the spilt blood of the innocent ones shall be avenged! And so we started our journey, without knowing what torment awaited us.
Bubbero Bo started off in his bedroom, just like every other game in the series, but something was amiss, Bubbero Bo's hat was gone, and he shared his room with Professor Oak, who was staring at the tv. Bewildered by this happening, we brought Bubbero Bo to the Professor Oak npc as fast as possible, and tried to talk with him, yet as soon as we pressed the A button Professor Oak disappeared, and Bubbero Bo's hat returned, but appeared transparent somehow. What the..!? How did we achieve this?! Our curiosity grew more and more, what miracles awaited us? Bubbero Bo immediately ran downstairs, 5 mother npcs awaited us, yet as soon as we interacted with one, a battle began. What?! how? We don't have any pokemon yet! "Kao Proforp wants to fight!" The challenger was named Kao Proforp and displayed a picture of a Hitmonlee lacking eyes or a Doduo, my brother left the room out of fear, and I nearly turned the Gameboy off myself, yet muttered up enough courage to continue this terrifying yet interesting quest. To my surprise, Bubbero Bo actually possessed a Pokemon! But my glee quickly turned into despair.
"Go Voltorb!" A level 2 voltorb emerged, only knowing one single attack- Self-destruct. Kao Proforp at the other hand, revealed a level 74 Diglett! I had no choice but to give up, submissively I tilted my thumb over the A button. I felt miserable yet I didn't know why, it was just a game, right? As I closed my eyes, one single tear managed to escape and descended to the ground bellow. With my eyelids firmly shut, I pressed the A button... "Voltorb used Self-destruct" echoed through my head, I was afraid... Very afraid, heartbroken and afraid. But suddenly, I heard my brother! "Hey? Since when can Digletts learn Explosion?" questioned he out loud. I immediately opened my eyes, and there it was! Diglett used explosion! My brother accompanying me once more, while that nasty Diglett was destroying itself faster than the average member of the fat acceptance movement. I couldn't be happier! But all of that happiness quickly went away, for Voltorb's health bar decreased as well!
"No! I am not ready for this kind of torment!" I cried, as tears streamed down my face. A vast amount of tears fell onto my Gameboy, and it thereby crashed. "Holy medaroli!" yelled my brother enraged! "You ruined it!" I felt disheartened, and was about to throw the Gameboy away, when suddenly, music emerged from the seemingly broken thing! It was the battle theme! "What?! How is this possible?!" My brother screamed. But the music quickly turned into a distorted version of professor Oaks theme, and grew louder and louder! Make it stop! I pulled the cartridge from the Gameboy, but this didn't cease the awful noise! It sounded as if every damned soul trapped in purgatory screamed at once, begging us to join them. I threw the Gameboy out of the window, what led to a peculiar realization: The horrid sound came from the cartridge! I wanted to throw the damned thing as well, but my brother stopped me. "Those cartridges cost about 30bucks! Are you stupid or something?" he yelled, as he nicked the cartridge from me. "What if we manage to finish the battle? Maybe it stops the music." He added, while forcing the thing into the super game boy peripheral we had left in our Snes.
To my surprise the game actually worked, and even better, the horrible noise was gone! Yet to my despair, we lost our precious save data once more. We selected 'new game' and Oak appeared on the screen. "Well god dang it!" yelled my brother But as soon as he said that, another Oak appeared, and another, and another...until the whole screen was full of Oaks. For every Oak that appeared the music began anew, creating utter chaos! Until it stopped, all at once. The screen turned black for a short time, allowing my brother and I to recover from another assault on our ears.
As soon as the game continued however, our npc was nowhere to be found. We didn't got the option to name red nor blue either. Oaks theme played once again, and his NPC entered the room. It looked different somehow, I couldn't quite lay a finger on it.
But when (about) the same sprite as in the beginning of the game appeared in front of us, everything became clear, unfortunately. There he stood, Oak, bare naked! My brother burst into tears, and left the room again, he was terrified! Even more so than his previous encounter with Kao Proforb! I mashed every button on the controller, but the naked Oak kept blocking the screen. I tried to hold back tears, this was far too intense for me! But It got worse! The screen started to slowly zoom in on his Pokeballs! This proved to be too much for me, and I ran out of the room as well. I joined my brother, who was bawling his eyes out in some dark corner. this lasted about 40 minutes, before I collected enough courage again. With soiled pants and sore eyes, I walked back to the room where the Snes was located. My brother had other plans at the other hand, and remained in the corner.
When I neared the room, I heard another familiar tune, Cerulean city's theme! How was this possible? I rushed into the room, the naked Oak was gone! I immediately snatched up the controller and continued the game and I quickly headed to the gym. The two trainers weren't present, and misty herself sure as hell wasn't either! Her sprite got replaced by that of a balding middle aged man. I wanted to challenge this mysterious entity, And thus, I did.
"I'm more than good enough for you! Rhubarb can wait!" Spoke the mysterious gym leader. What?! Rhubarb? I felt agitated, but litterally everything sounded more appealing than waiting for Oaks testicles to appear again.
The balding man started off with a level 17 Rattata, his manboobs jiggled up and down as he threw the Pokeball, like the wings of an angel. Animations weren't present in this game yet, this shouldn't be possible, but I shrugged it off, this clearly wasn't your average Pokemon red game.
My trainer sprite remained invisible, but my Pokemon did not. A level 89 Dugtrio appeared! This should be easy! But without warning my beloved Pokemon got hit with the confusion status, what? are you kidding me? His Rattata hasn't even attacked yet! But oh well, no sweat. I chose the move earthquake, but it missed, my Dugtrio damaged itself in confusion. Rattata used tailwhip, causing no further damage. I tried earthquake again, but my Dugtrio damaged itself once more. Rattata kept using tailwhip. And so the battle remained, for what felt like ages.
My Dugtrio didn't hit the Rattata once! And Rattata kept moving its rear end at me. My Dugtrio's HP however, had decreased to a mere 4. The beeping noise that played whenever your Pokemon is low on health filled the room. My opponent called the Rattata back, a new Pokemon emerged from one of his Pokeballs. But what?!
...It was the infamous naked Oak sprite! His theme immediately blared through the speakers, obscuring the infamous beeping noise as well as my thoughts. Oak used Oak, which did 3 damage. It wasn't very effective on my Dugtrio. My Dugtrio was still confused however, and I didn't want to let it faint. My bag was completely empty, and I could not run. My only option was to attack. I tried to think of a strategy, but Oaks naughty parts tainted my vision. My eyes kept moving to his grotesque body, to the point I had to close them. But even with my eyes shut I kept seeing this particular sprite, closing in on me. I wailed and cried, but nothing worked! I was alone in this dark room, and everywhere I looked I saw this stomach churning image!
And the music! It grew louder still! No! NO! I took the cartridge out, and threw it out the window. I didn't even care what my brother said anymore! Everything seemed normal again, I fell down on the ground, exhausted. My shirt, wet from all the tears I had shed. It was over, finally, over.
My brother walked into my room, wearing an angry expression. "Is this some kind of joke?!" He yelled "I am sorry for throwing the game cartridge out, I couldn't stand it any longer!" I cried.
"You did what?!!" Yelled my brother, even angrier than before. "First you scare the feces out of me by placing this horrible doll on my bed, and then you throw our beloved cartridge out without my knowledge?!"
"Horrible doll?" I asked My brother took me to his room, and there it was! A naked Professor Oak plush covered in blood! I immediately jumped out of the window, thus throwing myself out, experiencing the same fate as my old game boy and cursed cartridge.
This is in fact, written by my spirit. For I still wander this earth to this day. Warning vulnerable souls about the dangers of Professor Oak.
Written by MikeDikenike
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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