Sonic.exe but I wrote it from memory
Hi. I'm Tom. I like Sonic. I like modern Sonic. I'm fine with classic Sonic, though. I've never played glitchy or hacked games, except I did. One day, my best friend Cartman sent me a letter (an actual, physical letter, through the postal system, like a fucking troglodyte) with a CD and a note. It read:
''Dear Tom...''
Please destroy this disc. I can't because they/them'll notice.
Happy Trails,
Stan
I then looked at the disc my best friend who I have presumably known and trusted for years told me to destroy, noticed it had "SONIC.EXE" written on it, and completely ignored my friend's instruction because I have the attention span of a hummingbird and want to play some Sonic. I popped the disc into my computer's disc hole and ran it. Then the Sonic 1 title screen appeared and I soyfaced so hard. I hit start and the game flashed a spooky image for 0.0833 seconds. Despite this appearing in the amount of time it takes for a fly to blink, I can fully recollect what it looks like. The water was red (the color of BLOOD), the sky was black, the 1991 was 666, the hole Sonic pops out of looked like a rusty bathroom drain, and, (worst of all) Sonic's weird-ass mono-eye was black with red (the color of BLOOD) pupils. That or he just got back from the optometrist and his mono-eye is dilated.
The title screen faded away and stayed on a black screen for 2/60ths of a minute. When it faded back in, it showed the save screen from Sonic 3 (not Sonic & Knuckles or Sonic 3 & Knuckles) with a red (the color of BLOOD) cloudy background. I listened to the music and recognized it. It was from (INSERT SCARY PIECE OF MEDIA TO MAKE STORY SEEM SCARY BY COMPARISON)! There were 3 save slots each containing Tails (or Miles if you're from some godless country that isn't the US), Knuckles, and- *record scratch* *freeze frame* Dr. Robotnik? *the intro to "I Got You" by James Brown plays* I thought Dr. Robotnik was never playable in any official sonic game (unless you count Sonic Drift 2), and this definitely seems official! The save slots all had locks on them except Tails, so I moved the cursor over and selected him.
When I hit A, the screen erupted into red (the color of BLOOD) static and a laugh rang out that sounded alot like the really scary villain from a better game. Then, the zone intro played, revealing this level's name: "HILL ACT 1". The level began, and I was playing as Tails in Green Hill. A very flat Green Hill, as there was nothing to do but run forwards. The music was some reversed song, because everything's scarier when played backwards. I pressed the right arrow on my keyboard (as will become tradition around here) and commanded Tails forward. What followed was 5 minutes of jack shit happening, just a seemingly endless Green Hill to run around to my (and Tails') heart's content. I could tell this is what Tails wanted to do because his sprite looked like he was enjoying himself. Why I didn't CTRL+ALT+DEL out of this walking simulator and smash the disk like Kenny told me to, I don't know. At the end of these 5 minutes was a surprise.
The surprise was dead animals. lots of them. Disemboweled critters were scattered across the landscape, in a myriad of ways. A diorama of two Flickies ramming into a stack of Pickies, an inside out Tocky, A Clucky doing the backbreaker on a Micky, the works. This was not to my (or Tails') heart's content. I could tell because Tails' sprite was visibly shook by these gory sights. That and Tails is 8, and the most grievous injury he's probably seen beforehand is a sprained ankle. Despite my caring for Tails as a person, I pressed on just for shits and giggles. After another 5 minutes (during which there were even more unique displays of woodland atrocity I can't be fucked to describe, Tails careened to a halt upon sighting his hero, Sonic, standing in a clearing (Clearing as in "no corpses" not "no trees", there were hella trees). Sonic looked like a straight badass silently crossing his arms with his eyes closed, seemingly unaffected by the carnage. Suddenly, I decided just now that playing this game was against my best interest and I went to move Tails away. Tough titty, because the game was in a cutscene randomly. Tails walked towards Sonic for what felt like an eternity (it was actually 8 seconds, I counted), with red (the color of BLOOD) static and white noise slowly fading in as he approached. Suddenly, Sonic opened his eyes to reveal that they were black with red (the color of BLOOD) pupils, and the screen cut to black. A text box popped up in your usual Sonic font (seeing as this is a usual Sonic game), reading as follows:
''Dear Tom...''
Hello. Want to "play"?
Best Wishes,
Very Real and Not Possessed Sonic.
The zone intro plays, showing the title "HIDE AND SEEK" without a zone number. Since this is a usual Sonic game, this means the zone only has one act. Tails, however, looked quite worried. His expression was stressed and he was pointing rightwards as if to say "Hey, Tom, keep going right, you lazy bum!". I happily obliged. Tails' run lasted 5 more minutes (I counted), until it was interrupted by red (the color of BLOOD) static and Sonic's relatively evil figure repeatedly striking poses to the camera. At the conclusion of this impromptu photoshoot, the Evil Sonic started to chase Tails with the drowning theme blaring. Tails looked about the same, but we have been friends for many years (longer than I've been friends with Butters), I could tell he was incredibly fearful for his life (I know he's alive because I've never seen someone emote in a video game). As Sonic neared and the drowning theme concludes, Tails trips and falls on his ass like the goober he is. As he lay on the ground, he began absolutely bawling his eyes out due to the stress (I knew he was going to do this because Tails is a big baby and has cried at least half the time I've met him). Suddenly, Evil Sonic teleported in, striking a Thriller-esque pose over the damaged fox. Before I could act, Evil Sonic struck Tails, shooting out a fat glob of BLOOD (that scary stuff that's inside you) and the screen cut to black. Another message appeared:
''Dear Tom...''
The poor fuck. The poor, stupid fuck. Too slow.
Lotsa Love,
Very Real and Not Possessed Sonic.
P.S. Tails, more like FAILS! Forward this to 5 people for good luck
The game cut back to the save screen. Tails' save slot was static'd out, with a faint glimmer of Tails in there. Tails was grey and had no eyes. The eyeholes were bleeding blood (Hyper-Realistic, specifically) which matted his fur. I select Knuckles. More red (the color of BLOOD) static and laughing, the screen cuts to the act intro, revealing the zone's name as "YOU CANT RUN". Knuckles appears in another flatter version of a Sonic 1 zone, this one being Scrap Brain. After another 5 minutes of counting, some bursts of red (the color of BLOOD) static appeared for 1, 1.57, 2.12 and 2.59 seconds (I counted) and the floor was covered in blood (of the hyper-realistic variety). Evil Sonic pulled up, and another text box appears:
''Dear Knuckles...''
GoTcHa bItCh
Yours Truly,
Very Real and Not Possessed Sonic
Evil Sonic stood still, as if waiting for Knuckles to attack. I know this because this isn't a cutscene and I stood there like a melon for 37.4 seconds (I counted). After this, I directed Knuckles towards Evil Sonic, only for Evil Sonic to teleportal away like a little bitch. I didn't know what Knuckles thought of him because we'd only met 3 days ago and he's more of a co-worker that a friend. I kept directing Knuckles to cave in Evil Sonic's poncey little skull, only to have him teleport away again because I have zero pattern recognition. Knuckles collapsed to the floor after 23.145 seconds (I counted) of fruitless attacks, panting like a cute little doggie. Evil Sonic didn't think this was too entertaining and bent Knuckles' spine the wrong way before cutting to black with another message.
''Dear Tom...''
So many souls to give, So little time. This post has been fact checked by true Mobian patriots.
Good Day,
Very Real and Not Possessed Sonic
The game went back to the save screen, Knuckles' save slot greyed out. Knuckles put considerably less effort into his appearance, and was just a darker red (the color of KNUCKLES) with missing eyes. Tired of this, I just now decided this game Isn't worth my time and closed the game so I could take a nap. During my rest, I had the strangest dream. I'd sailed all the way to china in a little rowboat, and I was just docking before I was accosted by Tails, Knuckles, and Clyde. Wendy called out to me, chewing me out for not breaking the disc. I then woke up and decided to keep playing.
I boot up the game, same old title screen, same old spooky title screen, same old spooky save selection screen. This time I selected Dr. Robotink, mostly because that was the only one note static'd out. Same red static, same laugh, but a new zone title: "...". The music returned, being a non reversed version of HILL's music. It was a mellow piano melody, but it made me feel like the only way to win was to kill John Romero. The zone was an old castle, with drapes fluttering in the wind and torches illuminating the checkerboard floor. Dr. Robotnik, being quite the fatass, moved quite slowly (well, slowly in relation to everyone else I've played). I moved forward for 3 minutes (I counted), until Robotnik jumped down some stairs (good for him, he needed some exercise). The castle walls went from a purple hue to a more red (the color of BLOOD) tone. The torches got dimmer, and I could barely see the path ahead of me (neither could Robotnik, seeing as he needs glasses). after another 3 minutes (I counted), Robotnik careened down another fight of stairs. He fell for hours (a long time, or what felt like hours). Luckily, he found a magic balloon, which helped him float down safely. Not to a safer location but right in front of Evil Sonic, striking another Thriller-esque pose. Before I could witness Robotnik getting his clock cleaned, a burst of red (the color of BLOOD) static assaulted the screen. What appeared afterwards shall haunt My Immortal soul for the rest of time (I counted).
It was Evil Sonic, but quite realistic (Hyper-realistic, even), and he was staring at me. His fur, well textured, was so enticing that I touched the screen. Unfortunately, I forgot how hedgehogs ward off prey and poked the shit out of my finger. Before I could get an adhesive bandage, some more text appeared (though not in letter format) which helped me make sense of things:
I AM GOD
Everything I just watched was real. The ghosts of Tails, Knuckles, and Craig are constantly tortured by Evil Sonic. Because he's god. Did you not read what just happened? I couldn't muse on their fates for long because Evil Sonic vored the screen, shrouding it in black. Another message appeared (Back in letter format):
''Dear Tom...''
Are ya ready, Kids?
Love,
Very Real and Not Possessed Sonic
I was not, in fact, ready. The screen then cut to everyone I played as (not Timmy, as he was my best friend) with their guts strewn about like Christmas decorations. Displeased with this, I said to myself "No. I'm not ready".
I didn't expect a response.
"I can't hear you!"
I turned around to survey who said that.
It was an Evil Sonic doll. *dramatic sting*
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