Sonic Dot Sht

Let me tell you about a game I played when I was young.

It was the early 90's, and Sega was king of the world. Nintendo was starting to reek like grandparents, and their poor plumber Mario was left in the dust. A blue kid on the block was making the rounds, and I'm not talking about the ageing Blue Bomber, but a certain hedgehog with red sneakers who was spinning circles all over the competition. I'm talking, of course, about Sonic The Hedgheog™.

Now,  we in our friend group were avid followers of the Blue Blur. We watched the cartoons religiously, we chatted up the Sega Hotline regularly, and we wore the official undies. There was only one problem - almost none of our parents bought us a Sega Genesis. After all, most of us already had a Nintendo Entertainment System (the oldest among us even had a ColecoVision), and our parents just didn't understand the difference between 8-bit and 16-bit or video game exclusives. We were converted to what we called the "Church of Hedgehog" virtually overnight and shunned our former Nintendo ways. Despite that, we did have only one particular friend in the neighborhood who had a Sega Genesis.

He was a dick, and an asshole, so we'll call him Dick Asshole.

Now Dick Asshole had a decent library of games ranging from Michael Jackson's Moonwalker to Altered Beast, but there was always one game we wanted to play when we were over his house. You guess it: Sonic The Hedgehog. The cool dude with the 'tude was our hero. We were mesmerized by the checkerboard hills and loop-de-loops of Green Hill Zone, which was the first level of the game. We cheered when Sonic shredded hordes of Badniks when his spiked haircut rolled into his Super Sonic Spin Attack, freeing his true blue woodland friends from the cold clutches of Dr. Ivo Robotnik, a real bad egg who was the hedgehog's eternal arch-nemesis. We had never seen anything like it.

However, none of us were actually ever good at the game. We were content with watching the demonstration game that automatically plays on the title screen. Sonic would almost teasingly wag his finger at us and lean on his side in a giant ring. We weren't exactly sure what exactly he was saying if he could talk. Perhaps he was warning us that his game was hard as shit, or maybe he was telling us that winners don't do drugs. Whatever the case, we all agreed that the pose was Classic Sonic.

We all gave the game a turn, but that Asshole, Dick, would always make it farther than us.

One day, my older cousins decided to let me borrow their Sega Genesis over a weekend. Unfortunately, they did not have a copy of Sonic The Hedgehog since they thought it was "kids' stuff" and they dumped their entire load of cheap, uninspired, licensed sports games on me, but I had an idea: if I could convince Mr. Dick Asshole to part with his copy for a while on the same weekend, I might be able to get enough practice to outperform him and impress my friends next time we played, especially the kinda-hot bookworm chick with the glasses who I secretly mentally undressed in my mind whenever I wasn't thinking about the speedy blue ball that is Sonic.

That Friday afternoon, we all hung out at Dick Asshole's place as usual. This time, he made chili dogs while we played, which was Sonic's favorite food. We've never had chili dogs before and only knew it was some sort of hot dog. It was even his "special homemade blend" of chili. Now, when he said that, most of us looked at each other skeptically, but we wanted to be just like Sonic, so we were still very eager to eat this meal. Surprisingly, his chili dogs were very delicious. We all relaxed a little too soon, though. While I was in the groove, I noticed him taking a sloppy bite in the corner of my eye. He was practically hovering over the game console, so I knew what was going to happen a mile away, and I seemed to see it happen in slow motion - all the special chili from his hung dog spilled all over his Sega Genesis, which instantly froze the game. I was nearly as far as he had gotten in the game, so I suspected this was an intentional act of malevolence.

Dick was such an Asshole.

Dick Asshole kept turning the power on and off to no avail, but the game would not work. Other games he put in the Sega Genesis worked perfectly fine. We all believed that the game was broken. The mood was sour, but I managed to blurt out then and there that I wanted to take the game off his hands. At first he got cross, but then I thought up an excuse and told him that I took full responsibility and wanted to take the game to some cleaning professional. He then shoved the game in my hands and frustratingly told me that it's my problem now. I looked down on the cartridge, and it might have been my brain playing tricks on me at the heat of the moment, but I could have sworn that I saw the label's illustration of Sonic licking some of the chili off of his lips.

The party was soon over, so I raced home that evening to my room, where my cousin's Sega Genesis awaited me. One trick I learned in my former Nintendo years was to blow the game cartridge, so I did just that, placed the game into the slot, and crossed my fingers. Miraculously, I heard the heavenly choir of "SEGA" greet my ears. I stared at my television screen in awe - Sonic The Hedgehog was right there, wagging his finger on the title screen. It was almost as if he was happy to see me. I was happy to see him, in my bedroom, all mine to play with, alone. I wanted to savor the moment.

I decided to wait and rewatch the game's demonstrations to see if there are any pro tips I could learn. First up was Green Hill Zone, which I was well-acquainted with. Next up was Marble Zone, that bastard fiery place that ended many an adventure. After that was Spring Yard Zone, which looked like Las Vegas as a pinball table. Finally, there was an unfamiliar rotating area with a psychedelic background where Sonic stayed as a spinning ball the whole time. I knew I had to get better at the game to reach that special zone. I must've watched the same demo scenes for at least a half hour, fully absorbing the skillful play at work.

Again, my imagination must have been playing tricks on me,  but Sonic seemed to be looking less and less pleased every time the title screen appeared.

Eventually, I pressed the start button, and found myself in Green Hill Zone. Immediately, I noticed something was off - Sonic started out in his idle animation, tapping his sneakers and starting directly at me. I've seen this before, but normally, you have to not touch the controls for several seconds in order for Sonic to lose his patience. It's almost as if this self-aware character was becoming more self-aware. I thought I heard a voice telling me to turn the game off and do my homework, but my hands could not let go of the controller. I had to keep playing, because I have to beat Dick Asshole's ass at this game. Failure was not an option.

As I pushed the buttons on the controller, things seemed to go back to normal. I've had a little difficulty with this level many times, but I somehow got through without any problems. I'm still not sure how I did it, but when I reached the end of the act, I found a giant Ring in midair. I paused and consulted the enclosed instruction book, and discovered that this leads to a special place called the Secret Zone. This must be the place I didn't recognize from watching the demo scene earlier. Apparently, I have to collect multicolored gemstones called the "Chaos Emeralds" from each of the Secret Zones, which are found by collecting a certain amount of Rings.

I looked up at the screen, ready to take on this brand new challenge, to which I saw something that shocked me to my very core. Sonic was staring at me through my television screen with the most hyperrealistic expression on his face. His eyes were widened - either in shock or pleading, I do not know - and his pupils are looking directly into my own. I felt the chili dog nearly leave my stomach. I wanted to dump it all over the Sega Genesis so that I wouldn't have to take anymore of this horror. At that moment, I was utterly spooked from this haunted and cursed phantom game.

Then I noticed that I was just paused a frame of Sonic's idle animation, so I slapped myself, regained my composure, unpaused, and jumped into the Ring.

Sonic was whisked to another dimension. It was the same one that was scene in the fourth demo scene. This must be the Special Zone I've heard so much about. The maze rotated constantly, and there were objects that I had to navigate through to reach the goal. The gameplay was much more aimless than the familiar platforming of Green Hill Zone. It almost seemed like I was no longer controlling the game, but I narrowly avoided the traps and steadily made my way towards the brown emerald. When I touched it, the world around me span around and faded to white.

"CHILI EMERALDS"

That was what the text on the screen before me had stated. I thought they were called Chaos Emeralds? Furthermore, they're supposed to come in yellow, pink, blue, green, red and white, not brown. I wanted to check the manual again to make sure, but I found myself totally unable to look away from the screen. It was as if I myself had frozen. I had no choice but to sear every single pixel into my brain. After what felt like an eternity, the screen finally faded to dark.

I heard the phrase, "I'm outta here," and saw Sonic running in what appeared to be a very dark, lonely corridor. There were no Badniks or obstacles. It was just Sonic in his circular running animation. It must have been a cutscene because I knew that my thumbs were not moving. Sonic appeared to have a pained expression on his face. It felt as though I was following Sonic along to his destination. After a very long time, he reached a door that read "lavatory" and had a sign with a hedgehog on it. He opened the door, revealing a tiny closet with a toilet, and he sat on it.

Sonic was taking a shit.

He shut his eyes as the muscles on his face twitched. He was having a little toilet trouble. This was incredibly surreal to see such an out-of-place action in the game, but the likes of Ren & Stimpy was hot on the airwaves, so I thought maybe this sort of weird, sick humor was the new norm. I thought for a second about maybe resetting the game so I wouldn't have to collect the Chili Emerald, but then I would have to replay Green Hill Zone, so I decided against it.

That was the worst fucking mistake of my life.

I heard a wet plop in the water. Then a lot more as Sonic was squeezing out a series of turds straight out of his little blue anus. Soon, his grunts of pain were replaced with sighs of relief. He was beginning to enjoy himself as he felt the joys of release from holding it in. When it was over, he smiled and said to himself, "THAT'S SO GOOD." These sounds were so lifelike, I couldn't help but admire the sheer blast processing. But then, it happened.

Sonic opened his eyes, and was staring directly into my eyes for an uncomfortable length of time with an unreadable expression. After about a minute, he cryptically said, "You'll have the runs, too." The sound of his Urkel voice seemed to come from everywhere and penetrate my eardrums. At that point, I instinctually wanted to turn off the game, but then I realized something completely terrifying. Something that I should have noticed a whole lot more sooner had I not been obsessed with Sonic The Hedgehog.

I was inside the game.

When I came to, I was in a black void of emptiness. I heard the "SEGA" chant from a distance, and overhead, I saw a giant ring-like shape. I found myself automatically zooming up until I saw what was on the other side of the ring - the horrible sight of Sonic The Hedgehog in my bedroom, holding the controller, with the blankest look in his face. I realized that I was on the title screen, and Sonic and I had switched places. I was now the character sprite in his game. I tried to scream, but I could only do Sonic's preset motions - the finger wag with the sly smirk.

When Sonic started the game, he retraced my steps precisely, down to the same button inputs as my previous playthrough. I wasn't in control of myself in any way whatsoever. On the other hand, it was quite amazing to see Sonic's world in the first-person perspective, but I severely thought I was going to pass out of exhaustion from all the running and spinning I'd been forced to do. I was grateful that Sonic didn't go off-script and send me into a bed of spikes, which I'm sure would have been an excrutiating end. When I got to the Special Zone, I felt incredibly nauseous. Where the Chili Emerald should have been, there was a piece of shit. "Sonic's shit," I thought to myself. I couldn't stop myself from diving right into it.

"CRAPS EMERALDS" was the new text on the screen.

Afterwards, I found myself in a very cold, dark place. I recognized it as the long corridor. For the first time in a while, I was in control of my body, so I took a breather to catch my breath. I was shaken, but ultimately okay. This would not last, however, as my stomach started to violently rumble, and I felt a sudden unpleasant wave of chronic constipation. My sphincter clenched tighter than I knew possible. Instantly I knew the culprit behind it.

Dick Asshole's damn chili dog!

I had no choice. I ran as fast as I could, down the long corridor. For some reason, I thought I would explode if I didn't make it to the toilet in time. "You're too slow," I heard Sonic taunt. The words echoed in my skull, pounding with such attitude that I couldn't take it. When I finally made it to ye olde water closet, I noticed that Sonic didn't even flush the toilet, but it didn't matter. I barely pulled my pants down in time and sat my ass on the seat, ready to dump ass all over it.

The sensation was not unlike giving live birth to a walrus. I could swear that my shit was tearing out my insides as it was coming out, but that didn't matter. I knew I had to purge it from my system as soon as possible. With the greatest pain I have even felt in my life, I pushed it out into the toilet. I thought it was over, but more was coming down fast. However, this was not ordinary shit. The hardness and the shape was unmistakable, and the words "CRAPS EMERALDS" quickly came flooding back into my mind like a bullet train.

I was literally crapping emeralds.

I opened my eyes to see Sonic across from me from the other end of the television screen, awkwardly staring at me as I was about to take another shit. "Are you going to look at me the whole time," I asked aloud, not knowing if he could hear me. "Yes," said he. "I will look upon you. I will look upon you as you have looked upon me." He said these words not with malice, but an alien monotone that made me shudder. "I'm sorry, Sonic," I cried. "I won't do it again," I squealed. He said nothing more for now.

I had a physically easier time when the next crappy emerald passed through, gradually becoming less painful. There was another, then the fourth one, the fifth one, and then the sixth one. I was practically making a mountain of them. I thought I was done when I felt a seventh coming out. I started to feel immense relief as it was exiting my ass. I wanted to yell out when it did and I was finally done. It went from being one of the most painful experiences of my life to one of the most euphoric, and I wasn't sure that was entirely possible.

I looked down and noticed my flaccid "Liquid Snake" had become a "Solid Snake" of passion.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA," Sonic said in disgust, breaking his monotone. "Did you actually get off on that, you goddamn sicko? Too far, dude, too far," he yelled, crossing his arms. I begged him one more time for him to let me free. "Fine, I'll let you go, but don't you ever play this motherfucking game again, or I swear I'll finish you off next time." I thanked him as the world faded to black.

When I woke up, it was the end of the weekend. I'm not sure exactly what had transpired over the course of two days. I heard that I was playing the game for 48 hours straight, but I didn't remember any of it. In that time, Dick Asshole had hit on Stacey Bookworm (the girl I had a crush on), and inexplicably successfully might I add. He had seemingly forgotten all about Sonic The Hedgehog and told me that he had moved on to the next big thing - pussy. He also claimed that he laced his chili with an unlawful substance and didn't expect me to go on such an embarrassing trip like a pussy. So I beat his ass, shoved his rotten game in his mouth, and never spoke to him again. I think he moved away like an asshole. What a dick.

When I went back home, I turned my television on to see it was in the middle of a Sonic cartoon. I thought that the time slot was odd, but I watched it anyway. I should have been completely turned off given the terrible event I had just been through, but I couldn't help myself. I still found myself enthralled at the hedgehog's adventures against the evil Dr. Robotnik. After all, it was just a bad dream, or hallucination, or whatever. When the show was over, I turned the television off, yawned, and curled up in bed. But then I noticed something sitting on my windowsill.

It was a chili dog.

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