SpongeBob Is Real

Hello. This document was written by yours truly while in a rusty cage. The reason I am writing this is because I need to warn the world. The universe must know... Spongebob is real. But he is not who you think. I am in his cellar now. He is coming downstairs now. I have to be quick.

A few hours ago, I was in my kitchen, fixing myself a nice meal. An episode of Spongebob came on. It was just a normal episode. Spongebob annoys Squidward, Spongebob fixes Krabby Patties for customers at the Krusty Krab. But then something peculiar came on.

The screen went static for a moment, and a man in a Spongebob costume came on. The video was grainy and looked like a local program. The man in the Spongebob costume said, "Hello, children! If you really want to see Spongebob in real life, call this number!" The phone number appeared on screen in Times New Roman font. I still remember it. 666... 3498.

Being a naive child at the time (more like a preteen, actually) I immediately dialed the number. I remember saying to myself, "Oh my god. Spongebob is real. Oh my god so blow my mind open into pieces." The phone rang. But only after two seconds had passed did the phone pick up. The voice on the other end was deep and raspy. It said, "Hello, little boy. Do you want to meet Spongebob?" I screamed, "OH MY GOD YES PLEASE NOW PLEASE."

On the other end, I heard screaming. I could barely make it out, but it said, "SPONGEBOB IS NOT REAL THIS GUY IS A-" He never finished, because he died, I guess. I don't really know. I just heard a crash. But, you know, whatever. Anyway, back on the topic of the phone call.

The man gave me the address. I had my idiot dad drive me there. He was also a naive preteen. My dad was like, "Hey, if he tries to harass you or something, take my AK." He handed me the machine gun. I was like, "Oh holy cow it's a machine gun my friends will bow to me." But first, I went into the old creepy shack that the address addressed.

It was dark inside. But it was also dark outside. And it was dark inside. I heard giggling. I pulled my AK and was like, "Hey!" I heard nothing but the echoing laughter. The weird part was that it was a tiny shack. I still don't know how it echoed. Maybe it was magic. Then I heard a voice. The same deep and raspy voice from the phone call. It said, "Welcome to Spongebob's Pineapple House. My name is Murderbob Deathpants, and I'll be torturing you today." The man in the Spongebob costume appeared out of the shadows with a missile launcher. I, despite being a naive preteen, knew that this was screwed up. I blew the crap out of that dude. His head exploded in a fiery fireball of guts and brains. His soul was burned to the core. I hadn't realized that my dad had loaded incendiary ammo.

But then another Spongebob man appeared. He knocked me out with his Fist of Evil. When I awoke, I was in a cage. The same cage I am in now. I must warn you: Spongebob is still out there. He will kill. Be ready for him killing you. He will do it I was there when he brought another dude down here and he killed him. He's going to kill me now. I will send this message to a blog I guess. Okay I'm dead now. x_x

Okay nvm. I became a zombie and killed all of the Evil Spongebobs. You don't have anything to worry about. Except for the Evil Squidwards.. Beware of the Evil Squidwards.

1/26/14

I killed all of the Evil Squidwards

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