SpongeBob Needs Help
Let me start by saying, that I had no intention of writing this down, but my friends ordered me to do it. A few month ago, I was searching around CEX for some cheap games, when I stumbled upon a SpongeBob DVD entitled SpongeBob Needs Help. The cover had a picture of SpongeBob sitting on a therapy longue chair while a man sits across him. An actual man, it was a big fat guy, with a bold head, and glasses. I payed for the item, and the cashier looked at me weirdly before saying, "have a lovely day."
I took it to my house, and threw the disc into my PS2. The DVD showed some commercials for other SpongeBob DVD's, and a weird video of a guy cooking dinner, and mumbling things under his breath. 'weird', I thought to myself. Anyways, the main menu appeared, and it was really bad looking. I mean seriously. It had write text written over a badly cropped picture of Patrick with sunglasses on. There was only one option which read play episode. I clicked it, and the episode began to play with no paramount or nicklodeon logos nothng!
The intro was normal, but instead of it being the pirate captain who says "are you ready kids," it just a random dude dressed in drag who said, "sup bois be ready for sum real shit." I was shocked. The word shit being said on a kid's show. I think not. I didn't stop the DVD however as I was weirdly entertained. The intro then played like normal but the music was odd, it sounded like a rap that would have been made by Eminem or Snoopy Snoopy Dog. Also SpongeBob didn't appear at the end of the intro to play his nose, instead it cut to a two second clip of a man shaking his head.
The title card then appeared it read 'SpongeBob Needs Help' in big red letters on a white background. The funky sax part of the song 'Careless Whisper' was playing in the background.
The episode then started with SpongeBob cooking krabby patties, and talking about how he had not taken his meds for the day. His eyes began to twitch and turn green. Mr Krabs then bursts in and yells, "SpongeBob me boy where be me sweet dough?" SpongeBob didn't listen, and instead lunged towards Krabs, and proceeded to brutally beat him to death. 'Wow that's shocking,' I thought to myself as I shoved a massive pizza slice into my mouth. Then the police busted in, and grabbed SpongeBob throwing him into one of their cop cars outside the Krusty Krab.
A time card comes up on the screen which read 'two hours later' only it wasn't read by the usual French narrator instead it was read by someone who sounded Jamaican. After the time card, an outside view of a building entitled the Bikini Bottom House of Mental Health was shown. SpongeBob was taken in by two officers into a therapy room. The therapist looked like the guy on the front of the DVD, and he said, "so Nathan I see you haven't had your meds again."
"Nathan?" I said to myself. Why would he be calling SpongeBob Nathan? Suddenly SpongeBob changed from being well SpongeBob to a man who looked like he was in his 20's wearing a yellow shirt, and brown trousers. The therapist who after I looked at his name tag learned that his name was Gabe Daniels looked at SpongeBob with contempt before saying, "Nathan you've got to stop doing this! You're not a sea sponge, there's no Bikini Bottom, and there isn't a Krusty Krab!" Nathan looked at Gabe and said in a voice that sounded like Mike Myers in Cat In The Hat, "wanna prove that buster?" Before lunging at Gabe, like SpongeBob done to Mr Krabs earlier in the episode.
However, Nathan was restained by two bodyguards who one of them looked like the guy who was cooking his dinner eariler, and the other looked the guy who was dressed in drag in the intro. They held Nathan down, as Gabe pulled a large dirty needle filled with green liquid. "I'm afraid this is going to hurt." Gabe said before throwing the needle right into Nathan's neck knocking him out. I was no scared I mean really I hate needles but then again who doesn't? So then Gabe has the bodyguards carry the now unconscious Nathan to his new room at the mental ward. After Nathan is placed into his bed, Nathan gently pats his head, before saying in a quiet whisper, "welcome home Nathan."
The episode then ended with the credits being displayed as write text on a black background. The music that played during the credits was 'smoke weed everyday," but sung by the French Narrator. Then once the credits were over, it showed a SICK clip of a man wearing a potato sack over his head carrying a chainsaw chasing a farmer down a field yelling, "get off me property!"
The disc then popped out of my ps2 by itself. I put it back in so I could record it as proof of it's existence. I recorded it only difference was is that the post credits scene had the man with the chainsaw staring at the screen, and said rather happily too happily if I might add dear reader, "you no like me episode?" It then showed a video of Mickey Mouse dancing on ice while demonic music played in the background. I recorded that too.
The following day, I emailed Nickelodeon hoping to get some answers about the episode. They emailed back with "Hi! Sorry we scared you. You see the episode you watched was actually intended to be the series finale of SpongeBob SquarePants, but was cancelled for being too dark, as well as the fact that we've decided to renew the series for a thirteenth season. We like money. Please do not go public with the DVD, as it could ruin our reputation. Thank you for your time. Lots of love-Nickelodeon Staff/Interns.
I called 999 as I needed someone who would actually give me some answers. The police arrived at my door a few hours later, and a big fat policeman walked in. He was wearing a black police uniform. He sat down in the living room, and let out a big fart. It made the ground shake I'm telling ya. "Right you lot get out of here. I need to talk to this young man in private if you don't mind." The policeman said as his fellow officers did as they were told, and left the house.
"I'm not in trouble am I?" I asked. "All I can say is that your DVD might be useful in a possible law suit against Nickolodeon. I'll need to know how you found it, and if you want to appeal for compensation." the policeman said as he farted again even louder than last time.
Ten minutes later, I got up off the sofa, and asked if the policeman who revealed his name to be Rabe Maniels wanted a cup of tea. He said "yes," and I headed into the kitchen to start making it. Rabe then got off the sofa after another large fart, and began speaking again, "this DVD worries me you see these kind of lost episode things tend to be just rumours. Stories that people make up just to get attention. But from the footage you've shown me by all accounts it appears to be genuine." Rabe said before continuing, "this DVD is trouble, and the person who made it is also trouble, and that's my job eliminating trouble." I heard him say as he put his big meaty hand around my mouth.
"What the hell are you doing!?" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "We told you to not go public about our DVD!" Rabe yelled as he made his grip on my mouth tighter and tighter. "I just wanted answers!" I yelled in a muffled voice. "And answers you shall have," Rabe said as he made his grip tighter and tighter. I looked at him, and realised he was the therapist from the episode. Just as I thought I was about to die, I heard the door slam open as Rabe's fellow officers came in holding dougnuts and coffee. "Sup Rabe you forgot your dough... oh sugar honey ice tea!" One of the officers cried. Rabe let me go, and ran off into the outside world never to be seen again. I passed out after falling onto the floor.
Months have passed since the incident, and life has gone back to normal for the most part. I still don't know what that policeman wanted with me, or if he even was a policeman. But rest assure my dear reader, as I've got the two best cops Sam and Max on the case. Rabe also took the camera with him which I used to record the episode with, meaning I have actual footage of it... YET!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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