Sponge on the Run (From the FBI)

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  • Name: Robert Martin "SpongeBob" SquarePants
  • Date of Birth: July 14, 1986
  • Place of Birth: Bikini Atoll, Marshall Islands
  • Hair: None
  • Eyes: Blue
  • Height: 4'0"?
  • Weight: 120 pounds
  • Build: Light
  • Complexion: Spongey
  • Sex: Male
  • Race: Yellow
  • Occupation: Fry Cook


Robert "SpongeBob" SquarePants is wanted for murder, public indecency, aggravated assault, theft, arson, domestic terrorism, consumption of human flesh, tax evasion, parking in restricted areas, treason, multiple attempts to overthrow the US government, unlicensed carrying of nuclear weaponry, illegal drug use, kidnapping, profanity (said "fuck" in front of a class of preschoolers), and racism, all between 1999-2021. He is believed to have committed 77 murders in the state of Wyoming alone, known to residents as "The Wyoming Wringer". The FBI is offering a reward of up to $350,000 for information leading directly to the arrest of Robert "SpongeBob" SquarePants. The last known traces of SquarePants was a small Post-It note with the words "It was me! And you'll never catch me, motherfuckers! Ehhehehehehyeyeh!!!", although his current location is unknown.

Locals of Bikini Bottom had comments towards SquarePants' endeavors, such as Squidward Quincy Tentpoles, of 122 Conch Street.

"He's a madman." Testicles said, thumping the floor with his foot. "He would annoy me to no end and was always burying things in his backyard. I never knew I lived next door to a murdering, assaulting, thieving, arsoning, terroristic, consumer of fleshing, tax evading, restricted area parking, treacherous, anarchistic, nuclear weapon toting, drug using, kidnapping, profane, racist piece of shit motherfucking sponge! I hate him! I'm going home to play my clarinet."

Another resident, Patrick "The Situation" Star (nickname of unknown origin), had some things to say.

"I feared for my life every moment he was around me. But he was still my best friend."

Former friend of SquarePants, Sandra Jennifer Cheeks, claims,

"He was an all round joyful guy at first glance, but soon all of us began to suspect something up with him. As days grew on, we felt a mutual feeling of dread whenever in the presence of SpongeBob. This man needs to be stopped."

Eugene Harold Krabs, his former boss, declined comment, but offered Krabby Patties at twice the price due to the amount of media coverage the restaurant was getting.


  • [11/20/21] Squidward Tortellini was found dead in his home from unknown causes. No fingerprints were left at the scene, the only evidence of an intruder is a misplaced door frame, a fingernail of indiscernible biological origin and vast quantities of olive oil from multiple brands, varying in cost and quality. This happened after the interview, so the FBI is sure an accomplice of SquarePants or the sponge himself was responsible.

  • [12/1/21] Sandra Cheeks went missing and was never found. It is assumed she either fled town or was caught by SquarePants or his accomplice.

  • [3/10/22] SquarePants is believed to have been spotted in Chihuahua, Mexico. A resident of Chihuahua spotted SquarePants smoking narcotics in an alleyway, however the authorities were not fast enough, as he escaped impossibly fast.

  • [4/3/22] Another sighting of SquarePants was reported in Guadalajara, Mexico, about 724 miles from his last reported location. When police arrived at the scene, a drunken local handed them a kitchen sponge and demanded the reward money. SquarePants is still believed to be at large in or around the Mexican states of Chihuahua, Sonora, and possibly Baja California.

  • [5/24/23] Patrick "The Situation" Star was taken into custody after a girlfriend of his noticed he had been in contact with SquarePants for months, conspiring against his enemies in text messages. Star may have been involved in Squidward Temples and Sandra Cheeks's murders. It is unknown if SquarePants has returned to the United States.

Written by Meaty
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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