Spoungebob Scary Video

SpongeBob was one of my favorite childhood shows. I would wake up every morning and see that funny rectangle laughing his ass off at some stupid shit and I would laugh along with him. I loved SpongeBob so much that I got a job at the SpongeBob Company to quality assure episodes before they came out. I would sit in a single room with a projector, staring at the laughing box man's antics all day and writing down my hot takes. The episodes I saw were sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and sometimes gave me irritable bowels, but overall it was a decent job... until the incident happened.

Butch Hartman, the creator of The SpongeBob, came to me one day and said "Hey man, you wanna see some shit?". I was burned out of watching that stupid fucking cheese slice that day, but I couldn't say no to the man himself. "Aye aye, captain! Get it, it's because that's the thing he says." I said. "Shut the fuck up", he replied, tossing a blank disc into my face and bolting out the door. After tending to the newly formed slice on my cheek, I took a good look at the disc. It was a DVD labelled "SQUIDWARD SUICIDE". I had heard rumors of an episode called this around the block, but I didn't think it could possibly have existed.

I put the DVD in my player and booted up the projector, unsure what to expect. On the screen was a menu with a white background and black Times New Roman text reading "SQUID WARD'S SUICIDE (CONFIDENTIAL) (DON'T WATCH) (PROPERTY OF SPONGEBOB INC)" with an option to "PLAY" below. The intro played out like a normal episode, with SpongeBob leaving his house and angrily shouting expletives to the sky, including, but not limited to, "FUCK", "SHIT", and numerous unspeakable epithets, while the classic jaunty sailor melody played in the background. Just as SpongeBob got finished venting his frustrations to the world, the title card appeared. "SQUADWARD'S SUICIDE" in bold, red text on an eerie black background.

The episode began with SpongeBob's iconic foghorn alarm clock going off. He excitedly jolts up from bed and exclaims, "This is it, Gary! The day Squidward performs live at the Bubble Bowl!". Gary violently coughed and keels over. I laughed, as this was an iconic character trait of his. Once an episode, Gary had to die due to SpongeBob's ignorance and neglect. Truly wonderful.

We cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward's door, excited to congratulate him on being able to make it into the big leagues. However, as the door opens, SpongeBob is blown away from an off-screen shotgun blast. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!" Squidward screamed at the top of his lungs.

A title card then appears. "Due to his recent demise, SpongeBob is no longer the main star of this show. From now on, this show will be renamed to 'Patrick Star'. Regular viewing will shortly commence, thank you for your patience." I was stunned. They killed off such a beloved, developed character after this many seasons and story arcs? What the FUCK!?

Just then, Patrick himself ran up to find out what all of the commotion was about. He was mortified to see his best friend with his brains splattered all over the pavement. "Squidward, why!?" he said, sobbing like a baby. Without hesitation, Squidward aimed and fired at Patrick as well.

"Due to his recent demise, Patrick is no longer the main star of this show. From now on, this show will be renamed to 'Eugene Krabs'. Regular-" Just then, the scene cuts back to Squidward looking angrily at the screen. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EUGENE KRABS!?". Squidward skedaddles to Mr. Krabs' famous backyard shed in which he and his daughter Sandy Cheeks lives. Out of ammo, Squidward proceeds to beat Mr. Krabs to death with a cricket bat. A live studio audience laughs as Mr. Krabs begs for mercy. It's the little things that make this show so wonderful.

"And BEFORE you say a FUCKING THING", Squidward shouts, turning to Sandy. He tosses the cricket bat and hits her square in the forehead, impaling it through her skull. The audience breaks out into uproarious laughter.

"Due to his recent demise, Sandy Cheeks is no longer the main star of this show. From now on, this show will be renamed to 'Sheldon Plankton'."

The screen instantly cuts to Squidward staring towards the camera with a blank, emotionless expression. "Why am I not surprised. Oh well." He says dryly. He begins to slowly walk out of the shed. The bubble transition appears and Squidward is now standing outside of the Cum Bucket. I spelled that right, right? Just checking.

He pulls out a match from his pocket and proceeds to throw it into the doors. The building begins burning and smouldering within seconds as Plankton screams into the heavens for God's forgiveness. "Am I the main character now? Can we finally start this stupid fucking episode?"

The title card returns, with the voice sped up like a chipmunk. "Due to his recent demise, Sheldon Plankton is no longer the main star of this show. From now on-"

"YES?" Squidward butts in, excitedly gesturing towards the camera.

"this show will be renamed to 'Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius'".

Squidward, frozen in time, continues to stare at the screen. The scene cuts to an exterior shot of Bikini Bottom. The city itself lights on fire as Squidward screams numerous forbidden phrases in tongues as wacky music plays. The screen cuts to black. Roll credits.

Danny Antonucci walked back into my QA room. "So, how was it? Would you say you're ready to approve it?"

"Shut the fuck up." I said, throwing the disc in his face. It sliced his skull open and he collapsed to the ground. I am now serving 30 years in prison time.

Comments • 0

Loading comments...