Steamed Hams but it truly is an unforgettable luncheon

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Author's note: I wrote this entirely in A.I. Dungeon after I've heard that Latitude finally removed that infamous filter



You are Seymour Skinner, principal of Springfield Elementary. Your boss, Superintendent Chalmers, has just arrived at your home to have dinner.

"Well Seymour, I made it. Despite your directions," he says as he walks in.

"Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!"

You enter the kitchen to fetch the exquisite roast you have prepared for the evening, but you are stricken by panic as you see smoke pouring out of the oven!

"Oh egads! My roast is ruined!"

You walk over to the window and peek at the Krusty Burger restaurant from across the street, where you then get an idea.

You turn off all the burners on the stove and rush to the window.

You say "But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh, delightfully devilish Seymour!"

Superintendent Chalmers turns pale grey. You can see his thin lips moving as he's thinking, but he's not really paying attention to you. "What on earth are you talking about, Seymour?"

You say "Uh! Nothing! I'm just... uh... just stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise, care to join me?"

You are rewarded with a slight blush from your boss. He strolls over to you and sits at your kitchen table. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about, young man," he says.

You say "I said I am stretching my calves on the windowsill as part of isometric exercise. Want to join me?"

He stares at you blankly. "Calm down, I'm not planning on burning down the house or anything. This is just a little creative thinking." Your mother walks in.

You say "Mother, what are you doing here?"

She stares in horror at the pale grey color of her son's skin. "Seymour? What's going on?" You stare at her, dumbfounded.

You say "What? But... Chalmers is not your son, I'm your son!"

She looks at you, then at him, and then back at you. She draws a deep breath, and lets out an ear-piercing scream. "Seymour! How could you?"

You say "WHAT? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!"

Your mother's hysterics are all you can take. You march towards her and slap her hard across the face.

You say "OH GOD, I'M SO SORRY!"

She grabs her face, and stares at it in pure shock. "Seymour!" She walks out of the room and into the bathroom, leaving you and your boss alone. "Seymour, what was that all about?" Chalmers asks, confused. "What? Someone call the police! My mother just slapped me across the face!" "Seymour! You're in your 40s, stop acting like a little kid and act like your age!" "My what?" "Your mother just slapped you across the face and you want me to call the police, despite you being middle aged, like me!" "No I don't!" "Yes you are! Don't you dare argue with me Seymour!" "No I'm not!" "Yes you are! I have your birth certificate saying so!" "NO I..." "You slapped your mother! That's a crime, you know that!"

You say "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT!"

"Seymour, you're not thinking straight. You slapped your mother in the first place! I witnessed with my very own eyes!" "But I didn't mean to..." "You don't mean to what? You're a grown-up, not a child! You're not too old for me to spank you! In fact, I'd say you're still quite the kid!"

You say "BUT... CHALMERS... I'M A GROWN MAN! AND I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!"

"Seymour, I'm your boss. You do what I say, when I say it. Now take your punishment like a man."

You say "I'M NOT A LITTLE KID! I'M A FULLY GROWN MAN! I'M AN ADULT! I AM MIDDLE AGED, LIKE YOU! WE ARE BOTH IN OUR 40S!"

"Seymour, you're a disgrace to the profession! Not only is your skin pale, but your thinking is that of a child! I can't believe you were ever accepted into the police."

You say "I AM NOT A POLICE OFFICER! I WORKED FOR THE U.S. ARMY BEFORE RETIRING AND BECOMING A PRINCIPAL!"

"Oh, you're a soldier, are you? Hm. You must be one of those fancy super-soldiers that spend all their time hunting criminals and saving the world.

You say "THIS IS NOT THE FUTURE! I KNOW THERE MAY BE SUPER SOLDIERS IN THE FUTURE, BUT STILL!"

"Seymour, soldiers don't use logic. They are emotional. Their job is to follow orders. If you still want to be a soldier, I suggest you find a place where there is more crime.

You say "BUT I STOPPED BEING A MARINE! I'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL CHALMERS! I WITNESSED JOHNNY DIE BEFORE MY VERY OWN EYES! IT STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS VERY DAY EVEN AS A SCHOOL PRINCIPAL!"

"Seymour, you're nothing but a disgrace! I never should've hired you. I don't know what kind of life I can get you if you continue like this. I hope you realize that."

You say "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I JUST WANT TO SET UP AN UNFORGETTABLE LUNCHEON FOR THE BOTH OF US TO ENJOY!"

"I'm not having any part of this! I quit! I never want to see you again. I hope you go to prison and suffer all the pain you have coming to you.

You say "ARE YOU SERIOUS?! "

"Yes, I'm serious! Now get out of my sight! I never want to see you again!" You stand at the kitchen counter, your face in your hands.

You say "YOU BETTER NOT CALL ME ARMIN TAMZARIN! "

"I wasn't planning on it." "You'd better be, because I know where you live and I'm telling the world!"

You say "WHAT?!"

"So we're even. I'll tell the world your secret, and you'll tell the world mine. Now you better get out of here before I change my mind."

You say "NEVER!"
You punch Chalmers in the face.

Chalmers falls back onto the floor and holds his nose.

You kick him in the groin.

Chalmers yells out in pain and is unable to continue.

"SEYMOUR! WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU DOING?!" He yells.

You say "PREPARING AN UNFORGETTABLE LUNCHEON!"
You shoot him with a stun gun.

Chalmers screams in absolute pain and agony as you shoot him with the stun gun.

Electric shocks dance around his body as his body convulses onto the ground.

You cut open his throat with a meat cleaver.

I'm such a good principal.

You grab the cleaver and press it against his throat. The blade is so sharp that it slices through flesh, blood, and veins in one solid motion.

You stab him in the eye with a fork.

I wish I could be more of a gentleman.

You stab him in the eye with the tines of a fork.

You pull his eye out.

I really do have to make an unforgettable lunch.

You yank his eye out with the fork. You throw the eye at Agnes as she enters the room. Agnes screams in absolute horror as she sees what you have done to your own boss. "SEYMOUR, WHAT ON GOD'S EARTH HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR BOSS?!" She screams. "WHAT'S WRONG MOTHER? I AM PREPARING AN UNFORGETTABLE LUNCHEON!" You reply. Agnes screams bloody murder and runs towards a nearby phone to call the police.

You throw a frying pan at her, hitting her on the head.

You grab a cast iron pan and chuck it at Agnes. She ducks under it and it hits the counter behind her, leaving a huge crack and dent. Agnes reaches the phone and is about to phone 911, when all of a sudden there is a loud smack, like someone just hit Agnes across the back of the head with a baseball bat. The person is you, and it looks like you might have done some permanent damage. "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MANIAC!" Agnes whimpers, trying to crawl away from you while there is some blood trickling down her head. "You're not going anywhere!"

You shoot Agnes in the head with a loaded pistol.

You cock the pistol and shoot Agnes in the head with it. Blood spurts out of her head and down onto the floor. Agnes collapses onto the floor, dead, with a bunch of blood and brain matter just splattered all over the floor. There is a ringing noise in your ears, like a party of people is starting a rally in your head. You feel like you are in the twilight zone. "What... happened?"

You forget about it and cut open Chalmers and Agnes' dead bodies.

You hack the dead body of your boss to pieces with a meat cleaver, and then you do the same thing to the body of your mother.

You rip out their lungs, hearts, kidneys and entrails, and cook them into hamburgers.

You grab a large bowl and add a pound of ground beef, a half a pound of bacon, four stalks of celery, six slices of American cheese, six pickles, one large green pepper, and a bottle Afterwards, you tear out your boss' internal organs and put them into the bowl, followed by doing the same to your mother. You mix everything together as best you can, and when it looks and smells good, you place it into two buns, one of each kind.

You go to the dining table and eat them.

The burgers are delicious. Crunchy on the outside, gooey in the middle. You've never tasted anything quite like this before. Afterwards, you feel fine. You can't remember ever feeling this good.

You quickly dispose of your boss and your mother's dead bodies before anyone else notices and calls the police.

You cover your tracks and then head to a nearby lake and chuck the bodies into it.

You return home, only to find multiple police officers, detectives and investigators inside your house because they heard reports of screaming and gunshots.

You get a bit nervous, but the cops just want to know what happened. It's almost like nothing ever happened.

Suddenly, they notice the blood in the kitchen, as well as the meat cleaver, pistol, frying pan and fork lying on the ground. "We've got a homicide on our hands," says one of the cops. A truly unforgettable luncheon Suddenly, one of the cops produces a photograph of a man, just spotted walking down the street. It's you! "That's the guy, quickly! Restrain him!"

You try to escape.

You quickly try to escape out the back door, but a police officer grabs your leg and pulls it out from under you. The rest of the officers pin you down onto the floor and put handcuffs on you. "You have the right to remain silent! You are under arrest for double homicide!" One of the officers say while the others just point their guns at you.

You get escorted to the police car.

You are placed in the back seat of a police car and driven away. The officer who was driving, turns around and says, "You fucking disgust me..."

The car eventually stops at a traffic light. Looking out the window, you see there is a squad of about six officers waiting at the intersection. "They're not kidding," you think to yourself.

You break the handcuffs off, throw the police officer out of the car, and hijack the car.

You grab a chunk of concrete, that was lying on the seat, and hurl it at the police officer who was driving. The concrete hits him in the head, and he is knocked out cold.

You throw him out of the car.

You try to yank the officer out of the car, but unfortunately, he's a lot bigger and heavier than you, and so you can't get him out.

You keep doing it.

You keep doing it, but he's still too heavy for you to budge. You roll over to the passenger window and repeatedly bash the officer in the face with the chunk of concrete until he can no longer move.

You throw him out of the car and into the street.

Just like you expected, he is unable to move. The car is still in gear, with the driver's door open. You quickly put on his police uniform, and get out of the car.

You open the car door and throw him out.

You grab the officer and heave him out of the car. You are both surprised that he doesn't land on his feet, given that you threw him with so much force. The police officers immediately notice your actions and immediately call for backup.

You get back in the car and drive off.

You get back in the car and drive off quickly. The officers pursue you on foot, but the car accelerates quickly away from them.

You throw the concrete block at them.

You are going too fast for the police to chase after you, so instead they just stand there, dumbstruck at what you just did. You throw the block at them, and hit one in the face.

You break through a barrier thanks to you not paying attention to the road.

You are careening around a corner too quickly, and lose control of the vehicle. The car slams off the road and down the hill and into Springfield.

You smash through the sign.

The car crushes the large, heavy, metal and wood, neon-colored sign. The impact sends shockwaves through the entire car, and you feel as if your head just went to pee.

You start smashing through the town.

The town is filled with people and cars, and it's easy to push your way through the occasional obstacle in the street. The people of Springfield have never seen anything like you.

You smash through the Krusty Burger restaurant from earlier and run over Krusty The Clown in the process.

You run the car down Krusty the Clown, destroying the front of the restaurant in the process. You quickly get back out of the vehicle and notice that the police are coming at you from both sides.

You smash through a museum.

You hit the large wooden museum doors. They quickly splinter and crack, but hold strong. You use the car to knock them away and continue driving.

You accidentally run over many people and tourists and hit many artifacts.

The sheer force of the car is enough to shatter the windshield, and it has a tendency to cause minor collateral damage.

You smash through a circus tent and run over the clowns.

You watch in horror as a clown's face is crushed and splattered with red as they bounce off the front of the car.

You plow through the performers and the ring master.

You continue to drive over the people of the circus, running down the center of the ring. One of the clowns, seeing what you are doing, stands up and holds onto the sides of the vehicle.

You smash through the Simpson Family's house, running over Marge and hitting Homer in the process.

You slam into the house and run the car right into the side of the house. The house is demolished and you drive right into the family's bedroom.

You smash through the school you work at.

The front of the school is brought down in a cloud of dust and debris. Many students flee while screaming in terror , but you don't stop.

"OH GOD! I'M SO SORRY!" You shout.

You smash into the Nuclear Powerplant Homer works at.

You plow right into the building and into the small, windowed viewing room. There is an explosion that nearly shatters the windows and bats are flying around at you at an angle. WARNING: NUCLEAR MELTDOWN IMMINENT! EVACUATE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY! You try to open the door to leave, but it is jammed solid with what you presume are, hundreds of bats. They have no escape. You stand there and blast the roosters with your shotgun. The powerplant explodes, killing you and everyone else, and causing a nuclear explosion which wipes out all life and turning Springfield into a barren wasteland. Suddenly... "SEYMOUR!"

"Superintendent, I was just... just stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise, care to join me?" You say to your boss, imagining the entire scenario the entire time.

THE END.

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